saiyagirl

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Let's say...

1. You are dating a guy you really love, and who really loves you. It took a long time for you to get together despite the fact that you really wanted to, mainly because he was reluctant to commit. But then, he did.

2. This guy used to really like another girl who he couldn't be with because of extenuating circumstances. They are still close friends.

3. They used to mess around before he started dating you.

4. He has told you all of this...sober.

5. Now he denies any of it ever happened, and claims they were just friends.

6. It doesn't bother you what he did in the past...but it bothers you that he lies about it now.

7. You become insecure that he still likes this girl deeps down and regrets the circumstances that kept them apart.

8. She asked him to be his date to a wedding out of town and he agreed. They will be sharing a hotel room. He assures you nothing will happen.

So, what do you think?
 

SecretDove

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She's got a lot of nerve and he's full of it. I surely wouldn't trust him after lying to you about what happened between them before you came along. I'm sorry. :(
 

mayoree

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If you've listed all of these things, clearly you've already come to the conclusion. It shouldn't take a bunch of strangers to convince you that something's up with him. Why chase him? He should be chasing you...or at least the two of you should be running towards each other or something.
saiyagirl said:
Let's say...

1. You are dating a guy you really love, and who really loves you. It took a long time for you to get together despite the fact that you really wanted to, mainly because he was reluctant to commit. But then, he did.

2. This guy used to really like another girl who he couldn't be with because of extenuating circumstances. They are still close friends.

3. They used to mess around before he started dating you.

4. He has told you all of this...sober.

5. Now he denies any of it ever happened, and claims they were just friends.

6. It doesn't bother you what he did in the past...but it bothers you that he lies about it now.

7. You become insecure that he still likes this girl deeps down and regrets the circumstances that kept them apart.

8. She asked him to be his date to a wedding out of town and he agreed. They will be sharing a hotel room. He assures you nothing will happen.

So, what do you think?
 
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peppy

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Sorry to hear this happened to you. I agree that the lying is a bad sign and I would not trust him. There is definitely no excuse for him sharing a hotel room with her! :(
 

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peppy said:
Sorry to hear this happened to you. I agree that the lying is a bad sign and I would not trust him. There is definitely no excuse for him sharing a hotel room with her! :(
Please Please tell him to go to Hell and find someone worthy of your time and love. I had the same bull happen to me and i was dumb enough to get in a relationship with the guy. And to the very end I secrectly resented him and couldn't trust him and one day i just woke up and realized that i deserved more. He's still apologizing for the stupidity that went on early on and really wants a relationship but you'll learn that you really can't look pass it. There is no reason for him to be lying and trying to make you look crazy, accepting any trip that doesn't include you, and staying in a room with any female unless it's his mother, sister or daughter. Leave him alone...you'll thank yourself later. Took me 7 months! And the sad thing is I ended up hurting him because he really was sorry and really did change but I still had the growing resentment and broke it off. The entire time the relationship was going from great to H*ll in a hand basket. And now he's waiting for me to "see the light" hoping that i can forgive. So save yourself and him (if he's smart enough to see the error of his ways) and move on.
 
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saiyagirl

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Yeah. I try hard not to play victim because reallly, he does so much for me and shows me he cares about me in many different ways. I can't say he doesn't treat me right in every other way, or that we don't have a great relationship in every other way. We do...it makes it much harder to even think about breaking it off.

At the same time I just can't get this out of my head, and I don't think it's because I am crazy. Maybe he just feels uncomfortable revealing his past to me, but why lie about it? And the girl he is going to the wedding to asked him to assure me that she wasn't making a move on him.

He hates talking about this and we usually end up in a big fight over my insecurity. I can't bring it up with him at all without starting an argument. I really want this relationship to work, and he does too, but I don't know how to help him open up to me and be honest about it. If it really was all in the past, should I even care?
 

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saiyagirl said:
Yeah. I try hard not to play victim because reallly, he does so much for me and shows me he cares about me in many different ways. I can't say he doesn't treat me right in every other way, or that we don't have a great relationship in every other way. We do...it makes it much harder to even think about breaking it off.

At the same time I just can't get this out of my head, and I don't think it's because I am crazy. Maybe he just feels uncomfortable revealing his past to me, but why lie about it? And the girl he is going to the wedding to asked him to assure me that she wasn't making a move on him.

He hates talking about this and we usually end up in a big fight over my insecurity. I can't bring it up with him at all without starting an argument. I really want this relationship to work, and he does too, but I don't know how to help him open up to me and be honest about it. If it really was all in the past, should I even care?
I wouldn't let my bf stay overnight in a room with a girl that wasn't closely related to him. I broke up with someone over that. It was very painful. But if he can't offer you that very small amount of consideration, he isn't worth the time.

My ex had a good excuse too. She was coming into town because her boyfriend (his best friend) was in Iraq and she just wanted someone to talk to and go out with. Sounds perfectly innocent and if they weren't sharing a room together it might have been fine.

But in the end, it isn't really about whether or not he cheats. Right now it isn't. It is about whether or not he realizes what his decision to share a room with her is doing to you. I think it is reasonable to be ill at ease and he should do what he can to mitigate that.
 

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saiyagirl said:
Yeah. I try hard not to play victim because reallly, he does so much for me and shows me he cares about me in many different ways. I can't say he doesn't treat me right in every other way, or that we don't have a great relationship in every other way. We do...it makes it much harder to even think about breaking it off.

At the same time I just can't get this out of my head, and I don't think it's because I am crazy. Maybe he just feels uncomfortable revealing his past to me, but why lie about it? And the girl he is going to the wedding to asked him to assure me that she wasn't making a move on him.

He hates talking about this and we usually end up in a big fight over my insecurity. I can't bring it up with him at all without starting an argument. I really want this relationship to work, and he does too, but I don't know how to help him open up to me and be honest about it. If it really was all in the past, should I even care?
There is no requirement that people bring dates to weddings and if either of them respected your feelings this shared hotel room thing would never, ever be even on the table. It will be a sad, sad, thing, but take good ol' Dr. Ruth's advice (remember her?) and wash that man right out of your hair.
 

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saiyagirl said:
Let's say...

1. You are dating a guy you really love, and who really loves you. It took a long time for you to get together despite the fact that you really wanted to, mainly because he was reluctant to commit. But then, he did.

2. This guy used to really like another girl who he couldn't be with because of extenuating circumstances. They are still close friends.

3. They used to mess around before he started dating you.

4. He has told you all of this...sober.

5. Now he denies any of it ever happened, and claims they were just friends.

6. It doesn't bother you what he did in the past...but it bothers you that he lies about it now.

7. You become insecure that he still likes this girl deeps down and regrets the circumstances that kept them apart.

8. She asked him to be his date to a wedding out of town and he agreed. They will be sharing a hotel room. He assures you nothing will happen.

So, what do you think?
1) While I am sure extreme is bad, it's perfectly acceptable to be jealous and protective of your significant other, otherwise you really don't love him.

2) This is a f**king deal breaker.... end the relationship... I hope you are not married.
 
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saiyagirl

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Thanks for all your replies. No...we are not married.

So now, she is coming to have dinner with him on Sunday...she lives thousands of miles away!! I guess she is flying out on Sunday just for dinner, and then flying back out that same evening.

He told me this much, and that she couldn't stay longer because she has stuff to do. When I asked him why then is she spending all this money just to come see you for dinner he said..............."That's none of your business."

I'm sure it's benign and i trust him not to cheat but i don't think it's unreasonable for me to be uneasy with his lack of disclosure.
 

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saiyagirl said:
Thanks for all your replies. No...we are not married.

So now, she is coming to have dinner with him on Sunday...she lives thousands of miles away!! I guess she is flying out on Sunday just for dinner, and then flying back out that same evening.

He told me this much, and that she couldn't stay longer because she has stuff to do. When I asked him why then is she spending all this money just to come see you for dinner he said..............."That's none of your business."

I'm sure it's benign and i trust him not to cheat but i don't think it's unreasonable for me to be uneasy with his lack of disclosure.
are you serious?!?!?

listen, before you can truly enjoy a committed relationship, you HAVE to start out with a sense of self worth.

your responses SOUND stupid and ignorant, but maybe you are not. WHEN you get shat on by this fellow and the tart he's seeing, YOU ARE TO BLAME, because you persisted in allowing yourself to be shat on and no one is forcing you.

without argument or melodrama, simply pick yourself up and leave him. have some dignitiy for Christ's sake. you have to start somewhere, and might as well start now. this schmuck knows what he is doing and does not need nor want an explanation. if you linger for one second longer, you deserve all the ugly sequelae (and be doomed to being a walking rug for the rest of your life).
 
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peppy

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Yes, I think it is valid for you to be uneasy about him saying "That's none of your business". It makes it sound like he has something to hide.
If I were him and I was just looking to have a nice dinner with a friend, I would do everything I could to put my girlfriend's mind at ease about it - maybe even invite her along to the dinner to make sure she felt at ease about it.
My guess is that, even if he hasn't cheated with her, he probably does have feelings for her and that's probably making him feel guilty about this.
 

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Dianyla said:
Honey, pull your head out of the sand. And then go visit Heartless Bitches Red Flag List and read it at least three times. :thumbup:
That list is absolutely ridiculous. I'd care to wager you're a lonely person if you screen men based on that list. When you start to judge a partner on a list of #142 rules, you aren't leaving much room. In addition, a majority of those "Red Flags" are completely normal behavior for 99% of the population, male or female. Some gems:

Feminist Propoganda said:
#4: "He doesn't like you talking about (or doesn't even let you talk about) any ex boyfriends/husbands, especially past sexual stuff "
Oh, sweetie, please tell me all about your sexual exploits with your past boyfriends. Truth is, men don't want to know, and you shouldn't be telling them. That's the case in any relationship, unless you're interested in kinky stuff. We aren't jealous, we just don't want that in my head while we're with you.
Feminist Propoganda said:
"He is a film critic, a history major, and poet. You are almost intimidated by his "artsy" side. He is intelligent, well-versed, and well educated. You think to youself, "How did I snag such a GREAT guy?" As time goes by, you notice that his film reviews (especially historical war films) and poetry are the ONLY areas he "comes alive." You wonder why he has such a strong connection to certain things, yet emotionally he's aloof. "
Oh, boo hoo. He likes his job. Another gem along the same lines:
Feminist Propoganda said:
"Is over socially opinionated. At first you think he's well educated, and become intrigued some of the odd facts he knows. Later you realize all these facts add up to the whole, "fighting the good fight" mentality. He's always trying to seek justice, prove wrong, pinpoint facts, find the irony, uncover the conspiracy, etc. His brain is infatuated with this ****. It's all part of the "holier than thou" mindset, how he has everything "figured out" and you should feel proud to be with such a brave man. GAG. "
Damn those justice seekers! Inferiority complex, much?
Feminist Propoganda said:
"He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is). "
Bitterness?

Granted, there are some that are blatantly obvious:
Overtly Apparent said:
"He stockpiles weapons. "
Overtly Apparent said:
"He has kids with various women and never sees them. "
But the rest of it is mostly femi-nazi bull. Stop propogating this garbage, for the good of those gullible enough to take it all to heart.
 

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It's allways refreshing when people don't get sarcasm.
 

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Anyone worth your time is someone who is going to be respectful of you. For him to even consider going is disrespectful. For him to be going, AND sharing a hotel room? Tell him to take his $hit with him.

Would you do that to him, and feel like it was right? If not- then move on. Let him be with his soulmate, who unfortunately, he's letting you know, isn't you.
 

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Dianyla said:
Honey, pull your head out of the sand. And then go visit Heartless Bitches Red Flag List and read it at least three times. :thumbup:
Wow.. what a crappy list....a relationship is about meeting of the minds in the middle... not about seeing the first flaw of the other and running... At a certain point you draw the line but this list is full of garbage mixed with some reasonable stuff.
 

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saiyagirl said:
Thanks for all your replies. No...we are not married.

So now, she is coming to have dinner with him on Sunday...she lives thousands of miles away!! I guess she is flying out on Sunday just for dinner, and then flying back out that same evening.

He told me this much, and that she couldn't stay longer because she has stuff to do. When I asked him why then is she spending all this money just to come see you for dinner he said..............."That's none of your business."

I'm sure it's benign and i trust him not to cheat but i don't think it's unreasonable for me to be uneasy with his lack of disclosure.
Not your business?! WTF HE _IS_ YOUR BUSINESS.... YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH HIM AFTER ALL! And yes Qtip96 said it... when you get crapped on and you realize he cheated on you or started seeing someone after he used "NOT YOUR BUSINESS" defense... how will you feel then?

X-GF flying long distance for a dinner (WHEN SHE WAS HOPING TO TAKE HIM TO AS A WEDDING DATE).... abd the reply is "Not your business"..... hmm...

What are you doing with this guy? WTF... dump his arrogant ass. He doesn't understand what a relationship is about and is not ready... A committed person would not do what he is doing. He doesn't think of you as permanent and definitely doesn't think you are important enough to tell you "his" business.
 

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My Vote: RUN AND RUN FAST.

Men just aren't friends with their exes unless they want to get back with them or are having sex. period.
 

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saiyagirl said:
7. You become insecure that he still likes this girl deeps down and regrets the circumstances that kept them apart.
Suspicions and intuitions based on fact and past behavior are not insecurity. And, they sound like a very accurate assessment of the situation to me.

I'm 35, male, married faithfully 12 years. I have a few female friends, but none are ex's, and would not consider having an ex as a friend. I have lunch with the female friends once in a while, not go out of town and share hotel rooms with them.

That is going way beyond the trust you have placed in your boyfriend. And, the trust is very unfounded given his outright lying and denial. It sounds like there's a little manipulation going on by him too. Get out immediately without discussing it further with him.
 

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Anything he is doing with her that is "none of your business" is something that's innapropriate for a man in a committed relationship to be doing anyway.
 

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saiyagirl said:
I'm sure it's benign and i trust him not to cheat but i don't think it's unreasonable for me to be uneasy with his lack of disclosure.
1. I'm sure it's not benign.
2. You shouldn't trust him not to cheat when he's already lied to you.
3. It is absoutely reasonable to be uneasy when your significant other wants to share a hotel room with any woman he is unrelated to or with any unrelated female who isn't gay (and if he says she's gay, you'd better be sure of it!)
4. You're in a relationship. He is obligated to disclose essentially everything especially anything involving other women.
 

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saiyagirl said:
Let's say...

1. You are dating a guy you really love, and who really loves you. It took a long time for you to get together despite the fact that you really wanted to, mainly because he was reluctant to commit. But then, he did.

2. This guy used to really like another girl who he couldn't be with because of extenuating circumstances. They are still close friends.

3. They used to mess around before he started dating you.

4. He has told you all of this...sober.

5. Now he denies any of it ever happened, and claims they were just friends.

6. It doesn't bother you what he did in the past...but it bothers you that he lies about it now.

7. You become insecure that he still likes this girl deeps down and regrets the circumstances that kept them apart.

8. She asked him to be his date to a wedding out of town and he agreed. They will be sharing a hotel room. He assures you nothing will happen.

So, what do you think?
He is already sleeping with her.
 
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