What is 'support'?

[PowerOfWill]

As an early 30s student at a state university, I'm by far the oldest in my classes and younger people keep their distance. Everybody is polite enough and respectful but it's definitely tough (nearly impossible) to make friends or even have a rare conversation. I have no spouse/s.o. and my siblings and old friends are all grown and busy with their own lives. It's definitely the most isolated I've ever felt and I think prison would be far less lonely as I'd have peers to talk with.

Sometimes I feel motivation slipping. Mostly right now toward the end of a rough and unfortunate semester. Extreme winter weather shuffled exams and ruined spring "break"(it wasn't), among other things.

Do most students gain something by having people to talk to or people who care about what they do? Or is it over-rated and I'm perhaps seeking a band-aid to my worn discipline?

Do I need to seek out and have personal connections with people to succeed?

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[Dr. Let 'er Buck]

I was in your same boat. I was in my early 30s and ended up at a state university with people who were nearly half my age. It was PAINFUL........ Not just isolation but the lack of life experience these people had was nauseating. They bickered back and forth like it was middle school.

Anyway, I eventually made a good group of friends who have stuck together for five years. None of them have so much as used a screwdriver, so I help them with mechanical problems and general maintenance on their vehicles. In turn, I could barely use a computer and they have fixed that for me LOL. I've now become known as "Dad (my first name)" to a large part of the pre-medical/pre-professional students. While it is different, my life experiences have helped direct them while their youth has helped keep me going. Quite symbiotic.

I would highly recommend that you branch out and make friends. I have seen too many "old" students suffer with isolation and not feeling like they belong, only to drop-out soon after. It can take on an US vs THEM mentality and I can attest through experience that this is not the case. Your life will be better by branching out and in turn you will help guide the next generation .

Good Luck

 

[deleted967981]

Non trad here too, started completely over in college at 33. I had one friend from my 1st year at community college that I’m still connected with through social media, and a small group of friends I’ve stayed in touch with at my 4-year.

You’ll find a small group of people that you recognize from taking several tough classes together: O-chem, A&P, etc. Reach out to them for sharing notes when you or they miss class, set up a study group, etc.

Personally, I don’t have loads of close friends, more like many acquaintances and a few friends. I don’t need a large social network, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone who does or doesn’t.

 

[PowerOfWill]

Thanks for the helpful replies.

I'm typically mostly introverted and the solitude helps the studies, of course. It's just that, in the past year, I don't remember having any actual conversations about anything, besides subject matters, with anybody. And I've tried. I actually don't speak with any of my old long-term friends anymore either. I've effectively been shunned since moving to the town with the local university.

I think there might be a difference now, compared to years past. When I was 18-21, people my age were quite open to having friends of all ages. However it seems Generation Z is -extremely- socially inept. I also live in the upper Midwest; a culture not known for it's inclusiveness, openness, or friendliness. Double whammy.

I've avoided serious dating for a couple years now, thinking it would likely hold me back. That may still be the truth. However, I'm starting to think it may enhance my life somehow in this situation. Not sure anymore.

 

[baccpost]

That hasn't been my experience here. I'm mid to late 30s, but there are plenty of late 20s to mid 30s post baccs, random second degree students, master's candidates, veterans, etc here. I'm not even close to the oldest. I've met a few mid-40s students, one lady was over 60, worked in environmental law and decided to do a master's in biochem. Not that undergrads are hard to talk to: I've had great conversations with my lab partners about things like local politics.

 

[wulfstan]

It's all about how other students perceive you. If your attitude is "these kids are socially inept high-schoolers" then is it really so surprising that they don't want to spend time with you?

Most of us like to be with people who like us. Try to appreciate them, try to understand where they're coming from, try a little harder to find good in them. Show genuine interest in your fellow students and jettison the idea that they're unworthy of it.

 

[PowerOfWill]

I envy those experiences. People are not like that here. I think my location is a large part of the issue. It's always been a pretty miserable and unfriendly place. I often overhear malicious joking about me and my age. I doubt many of you have experienced that.

How does one develop an attitude besides the culmination of the sum of their experiences? It's not like one starts out with a certain attitude.

Here, being friendly and open mostly gets some weird glances towards the ground, awkward mumbling, and shuffling away. There's a few really funny and sharp classmates who I enjoy lab time with, etc. Even they flake out eventually (I'm concerned some of them are dropping out.) Just a very fleeting sort of attitude here.

Even offering notes to people I noticed missed lecture isn't met with an 'oh, thanks'.. it's met with suspicion and a guarantee to never have contact again.

If it's not still snowing where you are, you might as well consider me to be in a different world than you.

 

[el_duderino]

I don't think you should be blaming the other med students for being socially inept. They all have friends, it seems. You're the one who doesn't.

I was 33 starting med school. I was the oldest in the class by a good bit. I still made some friends, despite being fairly socially awkward. It wasn't their fault, it was mine.

 

[baccpost]

PowerOfWill, It doesn't sound like the problem is your age, but that a fair number of students don't want to be there and are just going through the motions by default. That's true in every university in the US except maybe the baby-Ivy places like Harvey Mudd or Bryn Mawr.

Find those that are actually sitting where they're noticed, asking questions, who seem alert, go talk to them. Get on some mailing lists, FB groups, etc, attend some events, parties, etc where you can actually talk to people.

 

[wulfstan]

All of the students are unfriendly, everyone talks about you behind your back (really? you are the center of everyone's attention?), no one likes you. You are uniquely lonely, misjudged, unappreciated, etc.

The dramatic self-pitying ("prison would be less lonely") is unlikely to win friends, especially if you are in your early 30s -- you honestly come across as pretty immature when you say that, and I wonder if that's apparent to your fellow students.

The thing that was most helpful for me in gaining perspective+maturity was taking time off from school and doing a long-term volunteer program. I would highly recommend something similar to you. Frankly you sound pretty tired and burned out right now, might not be a bad idea to switch gears for a while.

 

[wholeheartedly]

As someone in the still snowing upper midwest, that wasn't my experience at all.

 

[Synchronous]

Nontrad here as well. As someone who is introverted and did a post bac before applying I found that getting a study group together is a great way to break the ice, and often times these groups develop into friendships. I still talk to some of the people from my post bac study group even now in residency.

 

[Stellaartwa]

OP - I'm sorry this has been your experience. I am also in the Midwest and have never experienced anything close to this but that doesn't mean you aren't experiencing it. That sounds rough. I second the call to find a study group. That was my saving grace throughout post-bacc. Teaching them and being taught by them helped me catch errors I didn't even know I was making, they kept me motivated when I felt discouraged and they were friendly faces to sit with in class. Even if you prefer to study alone, you'll reap the benefits of a small study group. At the very least, you'll have people to bitch about your crappy profs with!

 

[PowerOfWill]

All of the students are unfriendly, everyone talks about you behind your back (really? you are the center of everyone's attention?), no one likes you. You are uniquely lonely, misjudged, unappreciated, etc.

The dramatic self-pitying ("prison would be less lonely") is unlikely to win friends, especially if you are in your early 30s -- you honestly come across as pretty immature when you say that, and I wonder if that's apparent to your fellow students.

The thing that was most helpful for me in gaining perspective+maturity was taking time off from school and doing a long-term volunteer program. I would highly recommend something similar to you. Frankly you sound pretty tired and burned out right now, might not be a bad idea to switch gears for a while.

ALL of the students? Everyone? Please quote me as I dont recall saying so.

And the dramatic self-pitying is clearly on an anonymous forum. Certainly makes for a clean extrapolation to your assumption of my real-world conduct, right?

I am burnt out.

I do volunteer and it's the highlight of my week.

 

[PowerOfWill]

As someone in the still snowing upper midwest, that wasn't my experience at all.

I'm glad for you. How long ago was that?

 

[PowerOfWill]

I don't think you should be blaming the other med students for being socially inept. They all have friends, it seems. You're the one who doesn't.

I was 33 starting med school. I was the oldest in the class by a good bit. I still made some friends, despite being fairly socially awkward. It wasn't their fault, it was mine.

Why does it seem 'they' '-all-' have friends? That's certainly not my observation. What makes you believe this to be so?

Some do, but very many don't and are as awkward as you could imagine. That's sort of the definition of socially inept, and why I say so. It's kind of my entire point.. And perhaps I would be one to know what social ineptitude is.

Maybe it's unfair to expect people to behave like what I'm accustomed to from when I, and my generation were that age. Afterall, they're fresh out of childhood in modern times. I'm certainly not entitled to people acting my preferred way.

I've had some good experiences in group studies since my post. Of course, once most get what they need from the session they're gone, but that's ok. They're like, 18. I wasn't perfect, either.

As for whoever called me immature; you're absolutely right, to a point. But I figured that would play to my favor.

Im sure as my classmates are older in several years, the situation would be completely different. And it's definitely my fault that I am in their world. I'm just here to do what I must and get an occasional kick out of it.

Thanks for the replies. It helped to realize that nobody owes me a single thing, least of all time or conversation.

 

[pathologicalnerd]

I was left here wondering what you mean by succeeding. As in succeeding as a future MD? Networking and being social (you don't have to be a friend with everyone, mind you) will definitely help you in the long run, not just in terms of your career but as to find likeminded people to navigate through the field. Those who actually can at least understand on some level what you are going through.

You seem to be introverted, as am I, but I am more concerned that you also seem very isolated (rather different and often leaves people burnt out). I am not going to pry to the reasons behind it, but I reckon you definitely should reach out more and perhaps join in different kind of activities that may suit your interests (outside of medical ones).

Currently my plan is to first get into medical school (good luck with that..), perhaps get myself a mentor and become a mentor myself (not because I would be a Great Scholar per se, but I find teaching to be enjoyable and a good way for me to learn).
Volunteering-wise I will do the following:
First aid training and joining to help in events
Perhaps organise a weekly book/movie/board game club outside of school with my classmates as I am not too keen on partying and would like to discuss things further.

I am generally a geek at heart and a pathological nerd, so if I can share my interests with few others, it should work out in the end.

Here are my lackluster 0.02 dollars.

 

[futuremdforme]

I felt quite isolated in my first year but made an amazing group of friends (much younger as they're trads) in 2nd year and we only became closer. Not everyone finds their clique at first. Suggest studying or practicing with someone. Sometimes people don't know if older people are interested in hanging out -- show that you are.

I would also recommend doing some sort of non-med activity like sports or a social club to branch out.

 

[esob]

It's just a state of mind from my perspective. I was in my 40's in undergrad and still had friends over, played sports, hung out for coffee, etc. with kids that were in their 20's. I didn't see myself as different, though I'm probably an extrovert 90% of the time (the other 10% I'm just grouchy, lol).

 

[DocJanItor]

It's just a state of mind from my perspective. I was in my 40's in undergrad and still had friends over, played sports, hung out for coffee, etc. with kids that were in their 20's. I didn't see myself as different, though I'm probably an extrovert 90% of the time (the other 10% I'm just grouchy, lol).

Agreed. I'm a good 10-12 years older than the rest of my class and I don't seem to have a problem hanging out with them. One of the things that makes making friends easy is the fact that I don't NEED more friends. I'm lucky enough to go to school in the area in which I already lived so I have a lot of non-school friends around, and I have a family of my own. However, that hasn't stopped me from hanging out with school friends or inviting them to a few parties we've had.

As someone who is an introvert at heart and a former loner, all it really takes is 2 things. 1) People hate the smell of desperation. If they think you're too intense or needy they will bolt before you have time to get attached. 2) Act confident, even if you're not. Half of social interactions is just acting like you're easy going.