What significant others would like to hear...

[neurona]

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Being the bf/gf of a med student is hard. We clean, cook, take stuff to the dry cleaners, buy gifts, make albums, flex around schedules...and still try to be sexy and easy-going all at once. Here is my wishlist as a significant other:

1. Flowers, even if just one (even if picked from the hospital garden)
2. A plan/surprise for a romantic night (even if it involves renting a movie for 4 dollars and ordering a pizza for $12)
3. A hand-written letter, or a sincere e-mail longer than 3 lines.
4. The choice to sleep well the night before a planned date instead of going out with "buds" until 4 am and then being all tired for the date.
5. "What would you like to do this weekend?"
6. "Am I meeting your needs?"
7. "How can I be better?"
8. "I'd like for you to meet my friends, and I'd like to meet yours."
9. "Tell me more about your own career goals and aspirations. How can I be supportive of them?"
10. "Hi, just calling real quick during my lunch break-- I have a 30 minute lunch, but I came outside to call you for 5 minutes... I've been missing your voice."
11. "I'll drive this time"
12. "I'm a poor student, but we'll figure something out!"

Yes, it all sounds corny doesn't it ? But for me these things go a long way. Does anyone feel like I do? Am I too demanding? Are my feelings normal? Do all relationships with med students feel one-sided even if they tell you mow much they love you and are total sweethearts?

 

[MJTig]

*standing ovation*

 

[MJTig]

*another standing ovation*

it takes 10 seconds to say "Thank you for all you do, honey, I love you"

It isn't too much to ask for some acknowledgement.

 

[doglover]

Okay, I'm going to play the devil's advocate. Sometimes the greatest thing you could do for your medical student partner is just to not expect anything in return for a while. Don't make yourself a doormat or let this be a permanent situation, but I know my husband appreciates knowing that yes, I am there for him, but for the stressful time being I don't have to have affirmation of our relationship or his feelings for me on a constant basis. We've been together for seven years and married for two, so we are both secure in our relationship. And I know for a fact that what he is doing right now is harder and more stressful than what I'm doing. I also love to spend time by myself and am pretty easy going about stuff too though.

 

[jessicab]

Okay, I'm going to play the devil's advocate. Sometimes the greatest thing you could do for your medical student partner is just to not expect anything in return for a while. Don't make yourself a doormat or let this be a permanent situation, but I know my husband appreciates knowing that yes, I am there for him, but for the stressful time being I don't have to have affirmation of our relationship or his feelings for me on a constant basis. We've been together for seven years and married for two, so we are both secure in our relationship. And I know for a fact that what he is doing right now is harder and more stressful than what I'm doing. I also love to spend time by myself and am pretty easy going about stuff too though.

Blah Blah Blah-it sounds like a very empty marriage to me!

 

[doglover]

Blah Blah Blah-it sounds like a very empty marriage to me!

Well it must compared to yours.....oh, wait. Never mind, you're not married. 😀

 

[pathdr2b]

Okay, I'm going to play the devil's advocate. Sometimes the greatest thing you could do for your medical student partner is just to not expect anything in return for a while. Don't make yourself a doormat or let this be a permanent situation, but I know my husband appreciates knowing that yes, I am there for him, but for the stressful time being I don't have to have affirmation of our relationship or his feelings for me on a constant basis. We've been together for seven years and married for two, so we are both secure in our relationship. And I know for a fact that what he is doing right now is harder and more stressful than what I'm doing. I also love to spend time by myself and am pretty easy going about stuff too though.

Key word here, H-U-S-B-A-N-D !!

I think a sure way to be the one that was with her/him while he/she was in med school is to act like a spouse BEFORE you become the spouse. Personally, what the OP outlined is great for COMITTED REALTIONSHIPS ONLY engaged/married but doing that stuff as a girlfriend/boyfriend wouldn't cut it for me! I've seen too many people playing that spouse role, especially women, get dumped not long after the person finishes med school.

 

[MJTig]

yes, being realistic on both parts is important...
understanding that they are going through rough times and its hell is important...
also, not being a doormat is important...
and getting some affection once in a while helps you feel more relaxed...

I just know that its easy to become the one that he or she takes out all their stress on, vents at, ignores, etc... and I am sorry but I am not going to sit there and take it over and over if I see them bieng nice to everyone else, hanging out with everyone else and then saving their bad and tired moods for me without any affection thrown in there.

I don't think people are asking a daily thank you or declaration of devotion but geesh... once in a while? And really the little things mean a ton.

😉

 

[taodock]

A friend shared this with me a while ago under very different circumstances, but it has come in handy for me as I have evaluated my relationship over the years. For context, my husband and I are looking at year 7, but we have only been married for a few months. He is an M1.

'You are the only person who has to be okay with the situation you are in or the faults that your partner has.'

For whatever reason, hearing this gave me permission so-to-speak to let go of the many voices in my life and decide for myself what was okay and what was not. I encourage anyone in a relationship to evaluate their position for themselves; do your best to ignore any outside input and then determine if the situation is okay for you or not. In the end, you know when your needs are being met and you can act accordingly with confidence and clarity to change the dynamic to meet your needs.

 

[DupedbyLove]

BRAVO!!! Although I realize that you have to be as supportive to your Medical Student as possible, it would be nice to be acknowledged for things that you do. I love my b/f very very much, and I'm trying the best I can to help him as much as possible (even if that means I'm driving 2 hours each way to see him and help him with household stuff while he studies at least once a week) Just be aware that sometimes people get too overwhelmed with life that they don't step back and see others that are working behind the scenes. Think of the last time you went and saw a play/show or even movie (movie might be stretching it)... when you applauded, who were you thinking of - the actors on the stage, right in front of you. What about the lighting director, the sound director, stage manager, costume designer, curtain pullers, and (as Jackson Browne would call them) "the Roadies". Right now, you're one of the "the Roadies". Just remember that in the end (although for some of us that's what, 6 or 7 years down the road? (md/phd "ers") it will be worth it when you attend graduation and you see how happy your S/O is, and how happy you'll be when you both recognized what you've accomplished. and YES, I realize that everything I've just said is soooo much easier said than done.

 

[Al Pacino]

Yawn. I like the list, from a FEMALE perspective, but from a MALE perspective, if you're a girl trying to please your man, the stuff on that list would bore guys to death.

For example, what guy wants flowers? No guy dreams about receiving a handwritten letter. Just some food for thought...

 

[MJTig]

yea, we know....

1. Sex
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Sports
5. Sex
6. Porn
7. Sex


😉 hehehe.

 

[doglover]

Key word here, H-U-S-B-A-N-D !!

I think a sure way to be the one that was with her/him while he/she was in med school is to act like a spouse BEFORE you become the spouse. Personally, what the OP outlined is great for COMITTED REALTIONSHIPS ONLY engaged/married but doing that stuff as a girlfriend/boyfriend wouldn't cut it for me! I've seen too many people playing that spouse role, especially women, get dumped not long after the person finishes med school.

I agree. My husband and I weren't married or engaged for his first year of medical school, and I definitely didn't do everything for him. I do a lot more now, but a lot of things I do are in the general househould interest too. Some people put up with too much crap. If he is nice to everyone except you, and reserves his bad moods ONLY for you, then there is a problem with the relationship that has nothing to do with professional school.

 

[MJTig]

...

Oh yeah I knew there was truth in it. 🙂
Well I try to give my BF #1, #3, #5, and #7 as much as I see him (we are LD)... I don't care if he has #6 (we've watched it together), we understand his love for #2 and my love for chocolate... and I love watching football and hockey- so there's #4

😉
Thats the hardest thing probably is the inverse sex relationship... they want to have sex to connect and we don't feel connected enough to have sex.

 

[BeanieA]

Being the bf/gf of a med student is hard. We clean, cook, take stuff to the dry cleaners, buy gifts, make albums, flex around schedules...and still try to be sexy and easy-going all at once. Here is my wishlist as a significant other:

1. Flowers, even if just one (even if picked from the hospital garden)
2. A plan/surprise for a romantic night (even if it involves renting a movie for 4 dollars and ordering a pizza for $12)
3. A hand-written letter, or a sincere e-mail longer than 3 lines.
4. The choice to sleep well the night before a planned date instead of going out with "buds" until 4 am and then being all tired for the date.
5. "What would you like to do this weekend?"
6. "Am I meeting your needs?"
7. "How can I be better?"
8. "I'd like for you to meet my friends, and I'd like to meet yours."
9. "Tell me more about your own career goals and aspirations. How can I be supportive of them?"
10. "Hi, just calling real quick during my lunch break-- I have a 30 minute lunch, but I came outside to call you for 5 minutes... I've been missing your voice."
11. "I'll drive this time"
12. "I'm a poor student, but we'll figure something out!"

Yes, it all sounds corny doesn't it ? But for me these things go a long way. Does anyone feel like I do? Am I too demanding? Are my feelings normal? Do all relationships with med students feel one-sided even if they tell you mow much they love you and are total sweethearts?

I think the majority of those things are realistic,although maybe too much for any med student MALE to actually do.....I recently had to end my relationship with an MSIV b/c while I was out of state this summer, he didn't do anything for my b-day and called at 1am the day after my bday!...and gave the excuse his ER rotation was too demanding...fine and dandy, but a 99 cent card from the hospital gift shop is all it would have taken!Now, the real question is, was I too demading?

 

[cagney]

I think the majority of those things are realistic,although maybe too much for any med student MALE to actually do.....I recently had to end my relationship with an MSIV b/c while I was out of state this summer, he didn't do anything for my b-day and called at 1am the day after my bday!...and gave the excuse his ER rotation was too demanding...fine and dandy, but a 99 cent card from the hospital gift shop is all it would have taken!Now, the real question is, was I too demading?

NO. I dont' think the original list is too much to expect. I disagree that affirmation of the relationship during stressful times isn't important. For Pete's sake...Yes, what they are doing is hard, but it isn't too much to ask for a birthday card from the hospital gift shop or to want their time/attention when they aren't at work. As a matter of fact, I'd add 'take out the garbage' to that list.

Residency is hard, but if you set a precedent that you do all of the work in the home/with the kids/and take care of all of the emotional needs for the marriage (and let things go because 'they're tired') then be prepared to have that precedent follow you out of med school/residency. After 4-8 years of that, you will have set a pattern for your marriage that will be very difficult to change.

Medical training is tough, but your spouse chose it. Stand behind them and support them, but expect them to come home and change a diaper or talk to you while you cook dinner.

cagney

 

[double elle]

Okay - I am female, an MSIV with a wonderful husband and an almost 2 y/o daughter....and planning on going into surgery. My husband is a full-time, self-employeed business man in town who gets contracted out by local banks for real-estate appraisals. We have a very good marraige and we have a blast together. Now - there are times I come right home and go to bed. These are the tougher months, like IM. There are times I am gone alot, but when I come home, I'm totally pumped - like surgery months. I think what helps us is that my husband doesn't sit home waiting for me to arrive in the evenings. He has his job and MANY hobbies that take up his time. That is just my situation.

Here is the situation I saw with men in my class who had wives/girlfriends - not all...but many....

Problems started because the SO's sat home all day wondering where hubby was. They made dinner and had it on the table at 6:30...and waited and waited. Geesh - get out there and get yourselves some hobbies. I know I'm being rude..but I feel I can, because I used to be one of those wives who did that before medical school. I taught school and was done by 4...well, where was my husband? I cooked, I cleaned, and I waited for him to come home in the evenings. I didn't have a life outside of teaching and my husband. I had no hobbies except for running. To be honest, I put tremendous pressure on him to be home with me...and beginning medical school was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Now, since I am so busy, I understand when he has back-to-back inspections until daylight runs out...I understand when he comes home from hunting since 4am and crashes without saying a word. I understand when he's too stressed out to want to have sex. I never understood any of that before I had my own thing going.

I wish I had a dollar for every conversation I had with some male friends in my class that were having problems with their wives not understanding why they were gone so much. Their wives didn't understand that, usually, they couldn't get studying done at home, because their wives were being over-attentive and it was distracting. Their wives did nothing all day but stay home and take care of the kids...and the only adult interaction to be had was when hubby came home.......whenever he came home. Get out and get a life for yourself! If you have kids at home...it's not going to hurt them to be in day care a few hours a week so you can get a part time job. Go work at a bookstore, blockbuster....anywhere - just get out and be around people. Enroll in a class or something. You have to keep busy and keep living your life.

Now, here's another thing I learned my first year of medical school: No matter how great and supportive your SO is, unless they are a fellow student, they will NOT understand what you are going through. They won't understand the pressure involved with the fear of failure, the fear of owing all that money if you should fail out, and the fear of going back home and telling your parents that you couldn't cut it - after this had been your dream for so long. I don't think people realize that it isn't the course material that gets to you, it's the mental intimidation you subject yourself to as a medical student. Only those in your class will be able to understand at first how things truly are. After a medical student has established a routine and knows what to do to get the grades he/she wants....it's a bit easier. You no longer need so much support from your fellow students because you have things a little more in control. However, there will still be months that are tougher than others.

Do I think your list is demanding? No, I am female and I would love to hear those things. Do I think your list is unrealistic? Yeah, for the most part, I guess I do. My husband probably does a few of those things several times a year...and it's nice...but he's a guy...and they ARE different. They don't think like women and you can't MAKE them think like women. Love isn't anything like the love stories you see in the movies. It's day-to-day stuff that you do to live your life. It's house cleaning, cooking, bickering at times. It's trying to be fair with everything you do and think, but still being mistunderstood.

My husband and I were trying to think the other day about the last time we actually had a fight...we couldn't even remember. It's probably been years. That doesn't count our frustrations we have during certain situations...but those dissolve when he admits he's wrong! 😉 And, I honestly think our comraderie (sp?) comes from both of us having our own lives. Yes, we have a great time together. I still get butterflies when he walks in the door. My belly gets woozy when I see it's him calling on the caller ID. We have 'romance' - but it's our romance....it's not what you read about or see on television. We have our special things we do that we enjoy and look forward to. Just because you and your SO have different lives, doesn't mean it's a lifeless relationship.

Seriously, though....my point is this - if you are committed to being involved with a medical student or resident - you'd better have something in your life besides that person, because you'll be spending a lot of time alone. It sounds negative....but it isn't. As a SO of a medical student, you really have the freedom and the time to do whatever you want. When I was scheduling my 4th year rotations, my husband actually asked me to schedule my away rotations during the winter months so he could go duck/goose hunting anytime he wanted without feeling guilty that he was gone. (I take my daughter with me because my out rotations are close to grandma.)

I've never been a spouse of a medical student. But, I've been a spouse of someone who makes the most of every second of daylight and doesn't want to step foot inside the house until the daylight is gone. I've had dinner waiting, I've rented movies....everything.....I expected him to be my entertainment when work was over. You must realize that medical students don't have the time or energy to constantly entertain anyone. Sure, we all expect quality time....but I fear that some SOs have very unrealistic expectations. This really does take a lot out of a person. Especially when you start...your mind is focused on this one thing only.

Be patient - they won't be medical students forever. Please don't pressure - it only causes resentment and guilt....which are big-time energy suckers for us when are already fatigued. Common courtesy isn't too much to expect, however. When your man is being a down right B*TCH...you have every right to tell him so! 🙂

 

[cagney]

Though I agree in part with your sentiment, it is your attitude that bothers me. So...after I gave up my career working as an attorney to move with my husband half-way across the US to a small community where I was not licensed to practice with our 2 children, I was supposed to 'find a hobby'? When would that have been? Because I couldn't work, we had no money to pay for even preschool. I managed our household, raised our children and took care of my husband's emotional and physical needs. I absolutely believe that the professional and personal sacrifices that I made needed to have been recognized for me to continue to make those sacrifices. Fortunately for me, my husband realized this and made every effort to let me know how much he appreciated what I was doing...especially when things were tough.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a physician complain about how his wifey didn't understand him despite the fact that he forgot her birthday, yelled at her when she spent $10 on children's shoes at Wal-Mart and went out with his med school/residency buddies to 'bond' instead of spending time with his family I'd be rich. It may be true that the spouse doesn't fully 'understand' what the student/resident is going through, but it is also true that the student/resident doesn't fully 'understand' what the spouse is going through.

cagney

 

[Tiagao]

I have to amdit that I didn't read all of the posts on this board, but I read enough to get a general idea of some people's opinions. So for what it's worth here is mine:

I have been married for 4 1/2 years. My wife and I have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old. While my wife has her degree and is staying home with our children I am striving to keep my sanity at school. It is not easy, but we see my education as a mutual challenge. She helps me with studying, providing quizzes or mock exams after the kids go to sleep and I try to help with the things at home whenever time permits itself.

To me, the most important thing in life is my family, not my career. When I put my family first, my kids and my wife understand that there are times when "daddy has to go study", but the little things... the notes on the mirror, flowers in the mail, an occasional "let's get out of her for the weekend" for my wife and stories before bed, a game called "TIGER", and pillow-fighting for my children make the difference. They help me to be a more compassionate individual, which I thinks will make me a better doc.

I belive that one of the principle problems with society is that society puts the individual above the whole, everyone must only worry about themselves. That is not what medicine is about at all. It is about helping the other guy, even if we are having a tough time ourselves. Society is more than the some of its parts.

That's my $.02 🙂

 

[LADoc00]

Being the bf/gf of a med student is hard. We clean, cook, take stuff to the dry cleaners, buy gifts, make albums, flex around schedules...and still try to be sexy and easy-going all at once. Here is my wishlist as a significant other:

1. Flowers, even if just one (even if picked from the hospital garden)
2. A plan/surprise for a romantic night (even if it involves renting a movie for 4 dollars and ordering a pizza for $12)
3. A hand-written letter, or a sincere e-mail longer than 3 lines.
4. The choice to sleep well the night before a planned date instead of going out with "buds" until 4 am and then being all tired for the date.
5. "What would you like to do this weekend?"
6. "Am I meeting your needs?"
7. "How can I be better?"
8. "I'd like for you to meet my friends, and I'd like to meet yours."
9. "Tell me more about your own career goals and aspirations. How can I be supportive of them?"
10. "Hi, just calling real quick during my lunch break-- I have a 30 minute lunch, but I came outside to call you for 5 minutes... I've been missing your voice."
11. "I'll drive this time"
12. "I'm a poor student, but we'll figure something out!"

Yes, it all sounds corny doesn't it ? But for me these things go a long way. Does anyone feel like I do? Am I too demanding? Are my feelings normal? Do all relationships with med students feel one-sided even if they tell you mow much they love you and are total sweethearts?

Youre right, a new level of corniness has been achieved. The sad sad (sad) truth is I cant count the number of buds who had a faithful GF through med school only to upsize during residency, then upsize again once they land the plumb job. It hasnt been all my male doc friends, just most. I agree, it sucks.

Good luck!

PS- If I had a GF who cooked, cleaned and did laundry I would build a friggin altar in her honor and make sacrifices of small furry animals (if she so desired). You cant be an American girl. 🙄

 

[alison_in_oh]

PS- If I had a GF who cooked, cleaned and did laundry I would build a friggin altar in her honor and make sacrifices of small furry animals (if she so desired). You cant be an American girl. 🙄

Heh. You just don't know the right girls. 😀 I've been doing my husband's laundry and cleaning his house (ugh, bachelor pad bathrooms!) since he was a college junior. 😉

 

[pathdr2b]

Heh. You just don't know the right girls. 😀 I've been doing my husband's laundry and cleaning his house (ugh, bachelor pad bathrooms!) since he was a college junior. 😉

So what did his MOM do for him while he was in college? 😕

 

[LADoc00]

I cant believe there are American girls who still cook, clean and do laundry for their BFs on a regular basis at least in California(Im not Mormon or Muslim, the M&Ms religions, maybe thats the problem). Its not that I think its rare, its completely unheard of. I dont buy this, its myth, urban legend. I dated one girl for 8 years, she cooked all of 4 times total and I got food poisoning one of those times. I had one girl who did my laundry only because she would get mad at it piling up in my room. I think there are (maybe) women who would do this, but there are on Russianbrides.com and not in my neighborhood. Nice try though. Im suspecting you are a N.O.W. plant sent to reassure men everything is okay, the sky is not falling.


...No, the sky IS falling. I ate PB&Js again last night! 😡

 

[alison_in_oh]

...No, the sky IS falling. I ate PB&Js again last night! 😡

Aww, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better I only did a load of laundry for him on occasional weekends as a favor in exchange for free reign on his cupboards, and only cleaned the kitchen and bathroom to save my own sanity. And he could cook better than I when we met; I think I've mostly surpassed him now but, to his disappointment, I've recently quit eating meat so he's not so keen on my cooking any more. (I'll make him a nice pepper steak if he asks for it, of course, but the joy of coming home to find it already sizzling is lost for him. 🙁 )

After we moved in together, I generally kept up on the cleaning and did my share of cooking, but laundry is *his* forte, not mine. 😛 (My responsibility is *folding* the clean clothes. )

 

[LADoc00]

If the women who said they cook and clean for their BFs can list their ethnicity, Im gonna predict these arent your average white American girls who couldnt be bothered to lift their fat butt off the couch and call 911 if you arrested during an episode of 'Sex and the City'.

 

[ArmCandy]

If the women who said they cook and clean for their BFs can list their ethnicity, Im gonna predict these arent your average white American girls who couldnt be bothered to lift their fat butt off the couch and call 911 if you arrested during an episode of 'Sex and the City'.

I'm guessing with that attitude your going to eating PB & J's for a long time.

Mail order bride, from an impoverished country may be the way to go for you my man.

 

[alison_in_oh]

I'm guessing with that attitude your going to eating PB & J's for a long time.

Mail order bride, from an impoverished country may be the way to go for you my man.

You got it. 😀

But I'll give him one thing: I'm certainly not average! 😀

I's speshul. 😉

 

[PsychMD]

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

[cgr8979]

That's so funny that everyone is making such a big deal about doing things for their significant other. I do my bf's laundry, cook dinner for him, and clean his apt. I just figured that's what everyone does for their bf/gf. He works hard every day and that's the least I could do for him.
You are right...I am not his wife and I am sure people are going to have fun with that one. We have been together since his sr. year in undergrad and hes now a 3yrd year. Hopefully he won't "upsize" when he graduates! Who knows though...

 

[Curious Tom]

Being the bf/gf of a med student is hard. We clean, cook, take stuff to the dry cleaners, buy gifts, make albums, flex around schedules...and still try to be sexy and easy-going all at once. Here is my wishlist as a significant other:

1. Flowers, even if just one (even if picked from the hospital garden)
2. A plan/surprise for a romantic night (even if it involves renting a movie for 4 dollars and ordering a pizza for $12)
3. A hand-written letter, or a sincere e-mail longer than 3 lines.
4. The choice to sleep well the night before a planned date instead of going out with "buds" until 4 am and then being all tired for the date.
5. "What would you like to do this weekend?"
6. "Am I meeting your needs?"
7. "How can I be better?"
8. "I'd like for you to meet my friends, and I'd like to meet yours."
9. "Tell me more about your own career goals and aspirations. How can I be supportive of them?"
10. "Hi, just calling real quick during my lunch break-- I have a 30 minute lunch, but I came outside to call you for 5 minutes... I've been missing your voice."
11. "I'll drive this time"
12. "I'm a poor student, but we'll figure something out!"

Yes, it all sounds corny doesn't it ? But for me these things go a long way. Does anyone feel like I do? Am I too demanding? Are my feelings normal? Do all relationships with med students feel one-sided even if they tell you mow much they love you and are total sweethearts?

A romantic man is a romantic man whether he is a medical student or a president of a country. An unromantic man is unromantic even if he has all the time in the world. I must ask, was your bf romantic doing the listed things for you before starting med school? I doubt it. If he did, it must been for a brief while at the courting period. Is your list too demanding? Not at all. Those are precisely the things romantic men know women wants and make sure that they do. And those are neither expensive nor big things, and that's mostly why many men miss them.

Your line "still try to be sexy and be easy going" moved me. That gesture alone would make me and many other men very much in love with you. And all other women who are "cleaning and cooking" for their loved ones and even sacrificed their own careers, I respect you highly for being heroic for the sake of love. Once again my late realization is confirmed: women are spiritually more evolved than men in rough generalization, that is, since there are always exceptions.

Just a story: My ex gf who was a premed with me called me out for Easter dinner. She was having a terrible flu and her MCAT was very near and she had to work a night-shift that very evening. It was a chilly Boston April. I waited on campus doing some sketchings. Then there I saw her walking toward me in her best clothing ever, short skirt and black leather boots and thin black leather jacket. She was still wiping off her nose from cold. When I saw her like that, I was deeply moved by the degree of care and strength of women in love. Just to make the night beautiful and special for us, she did all that. I was no longer seeing her outward forms then; I was entralled by her inner beauty, that feminine inborn virtue. As it was meant to be, we broke up few months later. But the impression remains strong in me. And I see it not just in her, but in many women in love.

Well, I don't seem to be making any point.

 

[thewebthsp]

Obsessing over old girlfriends again?

Bah.

 

[Curious Tom]

Obsessing over old girlfriends again?

Bah.

Ha ha ha. Maybe, maybe not. Beautiful memories should be kept; bad memories should be erased. Life is hard as it is. Why not treasure beautiful things around us? Or do we have to be so busy and driven to neglect them? Let's see what our mind will be thinking at our death-bed; that is, if we don't die on street. Higher grades, better residencies, more dollars or missed thank-you's, love-you's, forgive-me/you's?

I thought about these things when I was still a philosophy grad student in my early 20s. Those conclusions still hold true for me.

 

[Peeshee]

Ha ha ha. Maybe, maybe not. Beautiful memories should be kept; bad memories should be erased. Life is hard as it is. Why not treasure beautiful things around us? Or do we have to be so busy and driven to neglect them? Let's see what our mind will be thinking at our death-bed; that is, if we don't die on street. Higher grades, better residencies, more dollars or missed thank-you's, love-you's, forgive-me/you's?

I thought about these things when I was still a philosophy grad student in my early 20s. Those conclusions still hold true for me.

It is very refreshing to hear these sorts of comments from a guy. Women do tend to be more emotionally involved and expressive about these issues, but when a man is that way, many women will appreciate that attitude.

 

[just an angel]

Ha ha ha. Maybe, maybe not. Beautiful memories should be kept; bad memories should be erased. Life is hard as it is. Why not treasure beautiful things around us? Or do we have to be so busy and driven to neglect them? Let's see what our mind will be thinking at our death-bed; that is, if we don't die on street. Higher grades, better residencies, more dollars or missed thank-you's, love-you's, forgive-me/you's?

I thought about these things when I was still a philosophy grad student in my early 20s. Those conclusions still hold true for me.

Tom,
...... had to comment after reading your thoughts. It really is so rare to hear someone talk like this. You are so right, when we are looking back one day what will we be saying? Will it be "I'm glad i worked such long hours and drove a nice car?" or will we instead be thinking about all the special peaple we met and our memories of them and the special places they had in our lives. There is so much beauty all around and yet so many people walk with their eyes closed. x 🙄 in respence to the origianal post - you really sound dissatisfied. But whatever advice is given you will do nothing until it is right for you. So folow your gut feeling, don't accept second best, and when the time is right you will move on and find what you need elsewhere.

 

[dnl425]

That's so funny that everyone is making such a big deal about doing things for their significant other. I do my bf's laundry, cook dinner for him, and clean his apt. I just figured that's what everyone does for their bf/gf. He works hard every day and that's the least I could do for him.

This worries me to hear that you do this much for your boyfriend, and you two aren't even married yet. But then again, I don't know what your BF does for you. Yes, I've caught myself cleaning my BF's apartment, but sometimes it's out of pure boredom because I don't want to watch the game with him on TV or something. As long as he's doing other household duties, then the contribution is even. Otherwise you may end up resentful down the road. You work hard everyday too, don't you?

 

[daria]

Med students get off too easy; at least, so I feel for years 1 and 2. Med students are not ALWAYS in exams, and while day-to-day non-exam med school also should include some studying, doggone it there is still plenty of time to do a load of dishes, feed the cats, clean the litter box, make the bed, and lots of other small things that show your S.O. that you want to hold up your end.

My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years (no kids yet). Right now he works full time (in software eng.) and goes to law school at night. Frankly, in comparison I've got it easy. And I'm grateful that we're doing it this way for a couple of reasons. First, we're both busy and studying, so in general neither of us is demanding impossible attention from the other. Secondly, I tend to have the very human failing of whining that "the dishes can wait - if I don't learn about these HIV surface proteins RIGHT NOW, PATIENTS WILL DIE (and I'll fail my exam because I procrastinated by surfing StudentDoc)". Gabriel's busyness shames me, so I stifle my whining and do the damned dishes.

I think it's all about loving your partner enough to genuinely want to hold up your end of the relationship. Mutual respect and appreciation of each other's sacrifices are beautiful things. Unfortunately, all so much harder to achieve than to write about 🙁

Aside to Cagney and others: medicine (and law, from what I can tell so far) has SO much more than its fair share of selfish, "up"-trading schmucks. Ack.

 

[nabeya]

Amen! To That!

Though I agree in part with your sentiment, it is your attitude that bothers me. So...after I gave up my career working as an attorney to move with my husband half-way across the US to a small community where I was not licensed to practice with our 2 children, I was supposed to 'find a hobby'? When would that have been? Because I couldn't work, we had no money to pay for even preschool. I managed our household, raised our children and took care of my husband's emotional and physical needs. I absolutely believe that the professional and personal sacrifices that I made needed to have been recognized for me to continue to make those sacrifices. Fortunately for me, my husband realized this and made every effort to let me know how much he appreciated what I was doing...especially when things were tough.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a physician complain about how his wifey didn't understand him despite the fact that he forgot her birthday, yelled at her when she spent $10 on children's shoes at Wal-Mart and went out with his med school/residency buddies to 'bond' instead of spending time with his family I'd be rich. It may be true that the spouse doesn't fully 'understand' what the student/resident is going through, but it is also true that the student/resident doesn't fully 'understand' what the spouse is going through.

cagney

 

[DeterminedMD]

I cant believe there are American girls who still cook, clean and do laundry for their BFs on a regular basis at least in California(Im not Mormon or Muslim, the M&Ms religions, maybe thats the problem). Its not that I think its rare, its completely unheard of. I dont buy this, its myth, urban legend. I dated one girl for 8 years, she cooked all of 4 times total and I got food poisoning one of those times. I had one girl who did my laundry only because she would get mad at it piling up in my room. I think there are (maybe) women who would do this, but there are on Russianbrides.com and not in my neighborhood. Nice try though. Im suspecting you are a N.O.W. plant sent to reassure men everything is okay, the sky is not falling.


...No, the sky IS falling. I ate PB&Js again last night! 😡

Silly boys, dont you know that females dont WANT to do that kind of stuff anymore? Its npot that females cant cook, etc anymore. They just dont want to. You had a smart GF. She cooked bad for you a few times, and now you dont expect her to cook or want her to cook anymore! She outsmarted you.....

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

If the women who said they cook and clean for their BFs can list their ethnicity, Im gonna predict these arent your average white American girls who couldnt be bothered to lift their fat butt off the couch and call 911 if you arrested during an episode of 'Sex and the City'.

You are sadly mistaken, I think you need to come to Texas for some southern lovin, and leave the high-maintenance plastics for a while! Just kiddin, nothing against Cali girls. My bf is an MS4, and I work as well, but I still find time to clean, cook, laundry, etc. I love doing those things bc he is so busy (and his idea of cleaning is a little different than mine...wouldn't wanted to have gone to his fraternity house on a "clean" night!). We like to cook together, or I suprise him when he gets home. We both are healthy eaters, exercisers...so cooking is not really an issue. As for laundry, blah blah- I really don't know what people complain about, you put it in the washer and push a button. BTW, I am an american, white, dallas girl- and yes I can get my "fat butt off the couch". Even hot girls like to cook and clean! Am I right ladies....? I think LADoc, you have simply been hanging out with the wrong girls, don't expect it, appreciate it 🙂

 

[Wifty]

Re: cooking and cleaning - isn't that good time that a person could be spending having sex? (only slightly kidding).

I really agree with double elles posting. A key thing in her posting was how spouses wanted to be entertained by their med student. I know this to be true and heard many grumblings from spouses about the things double elle mentioned.

The thing is, a spouse has to change their idea of entertainment. Now that hubby is a third year, my entertainment from him comes from seeing his goofy grin as he lounges on the coach after a 16 hour day in surgery. 🙂 We used to have nights out and talking......but for now, being the person that he is able to relax and be his non-doctor self with......is his way of showing I am special and loved.

Though, I have to admit that hubby, although a male, DOES do all the things on the original list....and many others. He does them because of love and knowing that an expression of love other then just verbal, can be a very powerful gift.

Med school is about adapting......adapting to how your relationship is going to be during med school.....and finding how love can be shown during this unique time. This does not include bringing home cadaver hearts though! LOL

With smiles....
Rebecca aka Wifty wanting people to know that male students CAN be romantic.

 

[cgr8979]

You are sadly mistaken, I think you need to come to Texas for some southern lovin, and leave the high-maintenance plastics for a while! Just kiddin, nothing against Cali girls. My bf is an MS4, and I work as well, but I still find time to clean, cook, laundry, etc. I love doing those things bc he is so busy (and his idea of cleaning is a little different than mine...wouldn't wanted to have gone to his fraternity house on a "clean" night!). We like to cook together, or I suprise him when he gets home. We both are healthy eaters, exercisers...so cooking is not really an issue. As for laundry, blah blah- I really don't know what people complain about, you put it in the washer and push a button. BTW, I am an american, white, dallas girl- and yes I can get my "fat butt off the couch". Even hot girls like to cook and clean! Am I right ladies....? I think LADoc, you have simply been hanging out with the wrong girls, don't expect it, appreciate it 🙂

How funny is it that we are both from TX and think exactly alike. I think that is what separates us from the rest---I may get tons of crap for saying that, but I think it's true.
And, like you said, it doesn't take much to do laundry and cooking..well, I have to eat too, so why not make it easier for him. Someday, he will be doing all the "work" while I am at home doing those things. I think it pays off!!

 

[franktif]

I almost started to cry when I read the threads! My b/f is in his 3rd year, just about to start his Srgy. & Ob/gyn clinicals! I come over, he is studying, clean up all the dirty dishes and take out wrappers from the past week. I go into the bathroom, where the shower has started to sink, along w/ the toilet. GOSH, I think to myself "he has so much to do, I will help him out and clean up". Well 3 years later I am still just cleaning up. I feel bad for thinking poor me, when he has all of this pressure on his shoulders, but its not like he is the first person to go through medical school.

A typical weekend, I come over, he is studying, I make dinner or we get take-out, we watch a little TV and he is asleep by 1030. Sat. wake up, he studies, we eat lunch, he studies some more. I run errands during the day or work out. Come back over he is studying, we eat dinner what some TV and he falls asleep by 11.

We have been together for a little over 4 years. Some days I just feel so tried but then I feel guilty for thinking this? Anyone else out there?

 

[alison_in_oh]

We have been together for a little over 4 years. Some days I just feel so tried but then I feel guilty for thinking this? Anyone else out there?

I've been with my husband for 7 years and he, too is a 3rd year.

In my opinion, someone having that much trouble making time for important people and playtime is working VERY ineffectively AND failing to prioritize what's truly important in his life. 🙁

Med students look around and assume they have to be studying 24-7, paddling ever faster just to stay still and keep up with their peers. It's just not true.

Yes, when things are tough it's important for us to step up to the plate for our loved ones and take some of the burden off. I've not regretted one second when my sweetie needed me to keep on top of clutter control (so he could have a low-distraction study environment) or when he needed me to take over dinner duty for a week or more at a time. But med school is not a continual burden, and my partner has been able to return the favor many-fold with sweet gestures, running errands for me, and more.

Internship year will be so much more intense than med school from everything I've heard -- as will the whole residency, depending on specialty. If y'all can't find a good balance now you might run into a lot of stress in a year or so. If I were you I'd do two things. One, get your own life, pursue your own hobbies. Sounds like a lot of your social life revolves around hanging around at your boyfriend's house; that's going to get old and unhealthy by the time he's in surgery and ob/gyn (gone from 4-5 to 6-7 even on non-call nights) and certainly by internship (I hear there's still q2 call in some programs). Two, I'd start scheduling activities for the two of you to do out of the house. He won't suffer a huge setback if he has to split his studying around a trip to the art museum, and in fact he will probably work harder knowing that he has the reward of time spent exclusively with you to look forward to. 🙂

I don't know if you ever stay the night with your boyfriend, but as has been mentioned here (maybe in this thread?) sleep time can be quality time, too. It's too bad that you feel cheated of his time when he goes to bed early -- personally, over the years I have simply adjusted my schedule along with his and can no more stay up past midnight than he (most nights it's 9:30-10pm); I'm a bit better at sleeping in till 8 on the weekend than he is, though. 🙂

Anyway, good luck to you, and if you want further commisseration from those who've been there you might want to check out medicalspouse.com/forums.

 

[franktif]

I guess I wouldnt mind doing all those things for him, If we were married, but being that I am only his girlfriend I deep down I feel like "why buy the cow, when he gets the milk for free". He has often said that I should do things for him because I want to, and that if I didnt want too then he would eventually do it. (I tried not picking up and he had mold growing in his dishes for a month! and clothes everywhere!) I know that he needs me, he just won't admit it. (I think that is what makes it so frusterating) I do enjoy go to the gym,which I do almost everyday and enjoy going out with friends. I often go out w/ CoWorkers and the joke is me b/c when everyone goes out with their spouses, every one has gotten used to me saying "oh, matts gota study". The newest joke, is does matt really exsist?

I know that he works extrememly hard and I really actually enjoy not having to always go out with my b./f.

 

[brotherbloat]

I am married, my hubby is a second year resident, and we've been together since his third year of med school. We also had a long-distance relationship (4 hours) until after his intern year was over; then we moved in together and then got married.

Anyhow, compared to his med school days, his intern year was awful, and his residency years are worse still. While he was a med student, we had abundant time together. We talked on the phone 3-4 hours each night at least, had fun, lazy weekends together, etc. Then intern year came around, and that was way harder to deal with. Then I lived with him during his first two residency years, which were harder still. For instance, now (residency years) he gets up at 5 and gets home on a good day at 5. I adjusted my schedule, so now I get up at 5 with him, go to work early (and get to leave at 2:30 as a result) and I also go to bed with him (9:30). However, on a typical weeknight, we procure dinner (usually a frozen entree), chat a bit, and then he studies. Weekends we take Friday night as dinner and a movie night in, Saturday all day is errands, Sat. night is date night, and all day Sunday is study. Still, I feel like I don't get to see enough of him/ do enough with him and it does bother me immensely some days.

Any advice from others as to how this schedule sounds for a resident?

-BB

 

[bouncy_ball]

He has often said that I should do things for him because I want to, and that if I didnt want too then he would eventually do it.

That's *exactly* what my brother says, and, even though I love my brother, he is one of the most self-centered people I know. Does your bf treat his family this way as well (esp. his mom)? I think this is a *big* problem because it's just his way of not feeling that he 'owes' you anything, and how he justifies (in his mind) fully taking advantage of your kindness. I really hope I am just misinterpreting this, because I don't know everything. But that's pretty much what my brother says word for word, and we're all tired of his crap.

 

[franktif]

His mom is even worse! She does all of his laundry, takes his clothes to the dry cleaner (pays for them) His parents pay all of his utilities, which in clude HDTV Cable (150 a month) pays for all his groceries and buy all of his clothes. He has two other brothers and his parents spoil the crap out of them too. So thats really hard.

Dont get me wrong, I love my boyfriend but he keeps telling me that he hates responsibility, for Goodness sakes you are 25 years olds (is what I think in my mind!) Am I selfish for thinking this way? I wish my BF had a sister!

 

[franktif]

Hate to say this but you actually have alot more time w/ your man then most. I think you need to start enjoying things for you, but I know how hard that is. All of you other couple friends guys are Mon- Fri 9-5, normal vactions, holidays ect. Espically, if you go out when he studies and come home, you feel bad that you just went out and had a really good time, while he is at home studing. Its really the lesser of 2 evils.

 

[bouncy_ball]

His mom is even worse! She does all of his laundry, takes his clothes to the dry cleaner (pays for them) His parents pay all of his utilities, which in clude HDTV Cable (150 a month) pays for all his groceries and buy all of his clothes. He has two other brothers and his parents spoil the crap out of them too. So thats really hard.

Dont get me wrong, I love my boyfriend but he keeps telling me that he hates responsibility, for Goodness sakes you are 25 years olds (is what I think in my mind!) Am I selfish for thinking this way? I wish my BF had a sister!

You are not at all selfish. In fact you are too selfless.

My mom was the *exact* same way with my brother. Did his laundry, cleaned his room, cooked food for him, bought him whatever he wanted. The only thing he had to do was do well in school. For his whole life they emphasized getting good grades and working hard, but they never 'taught' him to appreciate and respect others. Now, my mom wonder why he never shows appreciation for the family and why he isn't married yet. (Other girls, thankfully, won't put up w/ his bs.) And it's hard, because, although I get along w/ my brother, I really don't like the way he treats my mom.

Does matt appreciate what his mom does for him? Does he at least treat his mom respectfully w/ love? I think how he treats his mom will be a good reflection of how he will treat you down the line.

More questions:How long have you guys been together? Do you feel like you've invested a lot (or too much) into the relationship? What efforts does he make to meet your needs? Are there any signs that he's just using you to get through med school? (Sorry, I don't mean to sounds mean, but it happens, you know?)

 

[franktif]

You know, he does treat his mom w/ respect and does do things for her, which is more then I can say for his two other brothers. I have often thought about if he was just using me to get through medical school, but we have been together since undergrad, so I dont think that is it. (Dont get me wrong, I have thought about it, and I did confront him about it ( the whole thing were a Med Stu dates some one during school b/c it easy, then dumps them when its over.)

I have been letting him know that I need more attention & we need to do more things when he does have free time, that I want to do.

It just bugs the crap out of me the way his parents spoil the crap of the boys! His grandma bought him a truck for HS graduation b/c he was valdictorian. The list goes on and on.

I see the way my mom treats my brother and he is totally spoiled too and he is 32!!! He just got married last year and moved out! So I totally feel ya on being srewed.