A multi-part process for me...
This feels like one of those "How did you know you were gay? How old were you?" kind of essays 🙂
I am telling the whole damn thing because if I do succeed in getting to med school, I will be one of those stories I would want people who don't believe in themselves, to know about.
1. I have always been interested in medicine and biosciences. In fact, I was a very geeky "egghead" type of kid who preferred to read in my room instead of play. I always came back to medicine as an interest. I liked to play surgeon with my stuffed animals, and do operations on them. I liked stories about doctors and patients. I liked science books and books about diseases (that weren't meant for kids). However, for some reason, people thought this was really weird. As a child, I was told that my interests were weird, and that I was weird for having academic type of interests at all. I didn't have many friends as a kid. Adults weren't always much friendlier. When I hit 13, in fact, one of my mom's boyfriends said about my science interests, "That's nice, but you'll want a boyfriend one day, and that (science) isn't very romantic."
There was also the fact that in my teens, it seemed like I had to be a different person in order for boys to like me.
Then there was the constant feeling of being misunderstood. On and off throughout my late childhood and early teens, I was fascinated with death and dying, and various psychologists were convinced that I had suicidal ideation. Other kids weren't interested in anything I was into, they were interested in... well, typical kid-stuff. I learned to keep quiet about my interests and keep to myself, only doing the "small talk" thing with other people and pretending I was a different person, the person others seemed to want me to be. It's only this year (at 32) that I feel OK with someone seeing me read a medical book. All these years I never considered myself a future physician, just a computer person with a weird hobby.
2. I never told anyone I wanted to be a doctor, because not very many people I knew seemed to believe in me. It was one of those things where, I would say to myself, "Well, if I were a different person - from the right background, a good student."
All my life, people thought I was crazy or dumb. I had various problems all through grade school, I dropped out of high school, and I ended up with serious anxiety that kept me from finishing college in my 20s. I thought I had learning disabilities (which turned out to just be anxiety). After a course of therapy and medication, and some very heavy tutoring, I discovered that not much really was wrong with me, and I came to believe I actually *could* get through the math.
3. The blood-soaked surgeon costume, Halloween, 2000
4. Any number of doctor/healer characters in various RPGs (yes - I AM A GEEK)
5. Pathguy.com.
6. All the medical-narrative books in my bookshelf over the years
7. Retraining in phlebotomy and finding I was comfortable around medical people in a way in which I'm not comfortable in other environments. If I'm working in a hospital and people see me reading a medical book, it isn't "weird". However, when I worked in computers, I killed whole afternoons in medical-related websites.
8. Being in EMT class and only feeling like I had to know more.
8. Knowing for years that I could only be happy in something I could really sink my teeth into, and if the right field came along, then I could live a fairly austere life (little money, no romantic partner, no children) if it meant I got to be in that field. I need something which will be fairly demanding of me. When I'm in something that's very, very demanding, I feel like my life has structure and purpose.
9. After the course of therapy and tutoring, I realized nothing was really stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, but myself, and I would really be unhappy if I did anything else.
10. Discovering that I am an extremely motivated person deep down, under the slackerhood and frustration all these years.
Anyway - I realize that's practically my life story - but there it is.
By the way I am 32, and only made the decision to go into medicine, this year.
I was wandering around my campus one day, wondering what the hell to do with myself. I was feeling frustrated. I had an appointment with a learning disability counselor that day. But right before going into my appointment, I found an abandoned biology textbook sitting on a table, mine for the taking.
Not long after that, my mom started telling me about people who went back to school at a later age to become doctors. She has been wonderful through this.
I still have not shared my decision with many other people, because if I change my mind or something happens, I don't want to feel like a fool. Part of me is still embarassed about wanting to be a doctor, for some reason. Even around pre-meds and med students... for fear some of them will say "Dude, you are too weird to be a doctor." Even though nobody really thinks I am weird anymore, I have many friends, and get along with lots of people.
So, I just keep to myself, study hard, and don't tell very many people.
