Worth pursuing?

[scuttedmonkey]

I'm starting my M2 year and have been in a long distance relationship for about a year now with another med student, now an M3.

I basically wanted to ask you folks for your perspectives on whether or not there is anything substantial enough in the relationship that is worth pursuing.

When we visit each other, about every 2 weeks, or talk daily on the phone, I feel that we're in own little world, which is good and bad. Good for the obvious reasons, to get away from it all, etc etc. But bad because I feel that she is a completely different person from the way she is around her friends. For example, she has a very intense and energetic personality, like a bomb ready to explode. I've seen this in her when we're hanging out with friends.

But when it's just the 2 of us she really tones that down around me because she knows how sensitive I can get. If I say something stupid she is extra patient with me, for example. The problem with this is: I feel like 1) she's not really being herself around me, and that I am missing out on the side of her she would otherwise share with me if I wasn't so sensitiive, and 2) that once we get more used to each other and the honeymooning phase (LDR from the getgo) wears off, that she'll drop the "toning down" and I won't feel comfortable/appreciate her for how she "really is".

She is very emotionally needy and has significant fears that I'd leave her. So that plays a big part into her behavior I'm sure.

She has been emotionally supportive to me, but I've felt for a while that it's been more out of her need than her own care for me. She loves me but I feel as though it is mostly because I make her feel loved...that she doesn't appreciate me as much as someone should if they truly "loved someone." I'm ok with her not loving me, but I'm not ok with her loving me mostly out of need.

And we have taken time off from each other, without knowing if we'd get back together again, and now we're not sure what we are, but she's set on being with me if I want to be with her. I can think of easier relationships than this -- no long distance, less needy a partner, maybe a non med student who still understands med school's demands....

With M2 and boards coming up, and limited time and energy for relationships, I'm inclined to think that there isn't enough solid ground for our relationship, and that if I had to choose now I would call it off formally. But I'm here posting this because I still have feelings for her and a gut feeling that she is worth it...and more importantly, that if I get a little more thicker skinned, I might appreciate and even love her for her "true side".

please, any words of wisdom? thanks,

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[thirdunity]

Well, obviously this depends upon how long you've been with her.

Here's my two cents.

We *are* different people, depending upon who we're with. That's why most people enjoy a variety of friends. We don't get the same things out of any one person-person relationship - or experience the same sides of ourselves.

Just so you know, I'm a girl.
Who I am around certain friends is different from who I am around other friends. Around friends J and L (ordinary heterosexual men) I tend to be loud and... well, one of the guys. They're of working class background, and they are the two friends that I get together with to just have fun and blow off steam. We go to dumb action-thriller movies, eat wings, and play air hockey & video games. The only reason beer isn't part of the picture is because none of us drink. You get the picture. Because we have the common socioeconomic background, there is a deep bond with these two guys that I don't share with my other friends, and I will probably never share with a mate. This is not how I am around *other* friends (with female friends I do the typical female stuff) and generally I don't act this way around my significant other when I have one.

You're not going to act the same way around your girlfriend that you are around your friends, are you? If you're like many guys, certainly you wouldn't tell "fart jokes" to your girlfriend. And likewise, you don't talk about your tough day at the office, or tell how you got beat up in school every day, to your guy friends. It's natural and normal that one part of us will come out around our partner, and one part will come out around friends.

That said, what *is* important is determining if there is a very strong difference in sensitivity between you two.

I have been with partners more sensitive than myself. As a woman and as the part who tends to be the more clinical, logical and blunt one, I typically end up with more a typically "feminine" male. Typically I find that the sensitive partner puts me more in touch with a more "noble", more spiritual side of myself than I otherwise would experience - my own sensitivity. I enjoy the guys who do the back-slapping stuff, but I don't fall in love with them. Your girlfriend is probably attracted to you because you're not like her, and she gets to experience her own sensitive side when she's with you.

Most relationships have one person who is more sensitive, emotional and introverted, and one partner who is more dynamic, extraverted and blunt - one person who is dynamic, and one person who is receptive.

There's a flip side to this. Eventually the dynamo *will* blurt something out that will hurt the receptor. Eventually the receptor *will* do something that the dynamo interprets as passive-aggressive. You just need to expect that this is going to happen, and try to be as courteous as you can be.

Sometimes the receptor is just *too* sensitive; sometimes the dynamo is just *too* dynamic. I had to leave my husband because he was way <i>too</i> sensitive. Every little *normal* thing hurt, embarassed or offended him, to the point where I felt fundamentally rejected, and I just couldn't make those kind of adjustments to my personality anymore and still want to go on living. Yes, it got that miserable. You may want to evaluate whether you want a partner who fits better with your sensitivity level, or she may want a partner who is a little thicker-skinned. I highly recommend you read "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Dr. Elaine Aron. [This was a must for me, because I tend to end up with HSPs.]

It may also be that you are seeing a role that she is conditioned into playing, because in our culture, women are expected to act receptive with men. Around her women friends, she can be herself.

That said -
There is *always* a certain amount of masking and role-playing early in a relationship; really the only way you can get to know the "real her" is to spend time with her and get to know her. You don't really get to know the person you're with when you only see them infrequently, and for one day a week. You can only get to know them by going through major life events with them, spending time with their families, and spending significant blocks of time together. Even though you're long-distance, you can still plan spending holidays together.

Edit:
Another thing that clued me in that you were an HSP is that when you said that you don't really feel loved or appreciated by her, it really seemed like you have a definition of love/appreciation that is possibly not shared by your partner. Your partner may indeed love you. However, it's possible that you don't share the same *definition* of love.