All-Star Chief Complaints

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Can't recall the exact phrasing, but I had a young woman complain about a sticky white discharge immediately following unprotected sex...could it be...semen?
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"work note"

At least there are some honest people out there. Much easier than them saying chest pain.
 
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Saw this on the incoming EMS transport board while on an away rotation: 8 yo "acting weird after seeing a scary movie". Almost walked over to the peds side just to see the kid (and parents).

Pointed it out to the attending who couldn't stop laughing for about 5 min.
 
Seen twice in the past week - and two different people:
Dry chapped lips for 4 years.
 
"My cootie-cat is itching."
 
"Not feeling like myself might have eaten some of my poop"
 
docB said:
That's like one that I see about once a week:
"Crampy vaginal bleeding every month."
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Yeah, I get that one, too. It's been going on for years, like since she turned 12...Seems like it'll stop for almost year and then start back up after she has a baby...
 
Dr.McNinja said:
Honest to god, at my last hospital you could order beer (budweiser), rum, vodka, gin, or bourbon for each patient. Anything but beer they would send up in a 240mL bottle from the pharm. Nurses would measure out a little shot of it, put it on their tray, and walk away. I was always tempted to ask them to just pour a line of them.
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least that would come in handy if you had a patient come in with Ethylene glycol poisoning.
 
"watch out for the leprechauns"
 
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Patient's handwritten chief complaint on triage sheet:

"tow seegers"

translation: two seizures
 
i knew i was back in the south when i heard a c/o "yellow jonders"
 
few weeks ago, 20 yo female with cc of "my butthole is burning"

turns out the hot wings she at at pizza hut made her butt burn on the way out. her sister was ripping on her the whole time
 
"Crazy legs" - 1:30 am in a 78 year old woman
"Had sex this morning and now my muffin is on fire" - 38 year old woman.
 
"Pot - Head"

No, really. It was a 2 year old who'd been playing in the pots and pans, and the pot he was wearing as a helmet was maybe 1mm larger than his skull diameter. It slipped, and it was stuck. Really stuck. EMS brought him in strapped to a backboard because he was thrashing around, and mom already greased him up with oil trying to get it off, so he was slippery too...

All the pulling made his head swell maybe another millimeter, and we ended up having to cut the darn thing off.

I kept it as a souvenir.
 
dchristismi said:
"Pot - Head"

I kept it as a souvenir.
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Damn right.

Did you have the right cutting instruments in the department or did have to do one of those calls down to the maintenance department to bring their special tools ?
 
5 year old female

Red bouncy ball from her set of jacks



At the mother's insistance her OB was called for removal
 

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We called maintenance, but one of my RNs (who happened to be an electrician in his prior life) had some aviation snips in his car, and that's what we used. The Maintenance bolt cutters weren't small enough to fit between his head and the pot.
 
I had a psych patient complain that he was gored by a unicorn. Something special about unicorns, though, they don't seem to leave a mark...
 
OB was called, where else exactly could it have been? Did vagina need to be omitted, no, but come on
 
"Hit in face with golf club" = complex facial lac.

Right next door was "ear bitten off" = missing about half of left auricle. Turns out he hit the guy who bit off (and apparently swallowed) his ear with a 3-iron. Not sure which came first....
 
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Had a schizophrenic patient once tell me that after several days of telepathic torture by someone 3 states away that same person telepathically "shot me in the gut".

Diagnosis = appendicitis.
 
WilcoWorld said:
Had a schizophrenic patient once tell me that after several days of telepathic torture by someone 3 states away that same person telepathically "shot me in the gut".

Diagnosis = appendicitis.
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Hah. It's interesting how schizophrenics interpret physical signs and symptoms.
 
i really feel for you guys...they better start breeding them tougher.

also i had a male pt 26yrs old come in with piles of paper...he was complaining of everything and he'd 'gone on the internet and googled his symptoms' (what he told me).....i did a H&P on him and proceeded to diagnose him with manic cybercondriasis....he vasovageled and when he came to he said 'i'm dying aren't i" my response 'no but you need to not go on the internet for at least 6mths' the consultant loved how i handled that.
 
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BushDoc20 said:
he vasovageled and when he came to he said 'i'm dying aren't i"
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My stock answer to this question (and I'm an oncologist...so I get it a lot) is "yes, but so am I, and so is s/he (while pointing to others in the room." Works pretty well to defuse the situation in all but the most impressive Axis II players.
 
gutonc said:
My stock answer to this question (and I'm an oncologist...so I get it a lot) is "yes, but so am I, and so is s/he (while pointing to others in the room." Works pretty well to defuse the situation in all but the most impressive Axis II players.
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In the ER, no one cares who else is dying. It's all about them.
 
I work in reg in an ED, patient recently came in and stated he was vomiting and felt dizzy. I asked him how long it has been occuring, he said, "well, ever since I covered my body in oil as a sort of new-age spiritual cleanse."

I was in physical pain holding in laughter.
 
"I want to prove a rumor from school wrong!" What is the rumor? "I'm pregnant." Are you? "No, but I need a pregnancy test to prove them wrong." Mom chimes in,"We need the results so she can go to school with them."
 
dchristismi said:
"Pot - Head"

No, really. It was a 2 year old who'd been playing in the pots and pans, and the pot he was wearing as a helmet was maybe 1mm larger than his skull diameter. It slipped, and it was stuck. Really stuck. EMS brought him in strapped to a backboard because he was thrashing around, and mom already greased him up with oil trying to get it off, so he was slippery too...

All the pulling made his head swell maybe another millimeter, and we ended up having to cut the darn thing off.

I kept it as a souvenir.
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Peds sedation to the rescue!

:laugh:



Best one I've heard of....A little old lady call 911, says "I need help!" Won't elaborate. Paramedics arrive and take her to the ED. At some point during the ride she turns belligerent and starts taking swings at the ambulance crew. They are forced to tie her down.

By the time they get to the ED, she has taken on a demeanor of not talking to anyone and staring at the ceiling. Doc thinks it might be a stroke. CT negative. They do every test imaginable, and find she is in great health for being a little old lady.

Eventually family comes by to pick her up. They are very apologetic about mom taking up everyone's valuable time.

CC: I need help!
Dx: Dementia.
 
"Intestines on the toilet paper, don't know if it came from front or the back"
 
CC: Insomnia

I walk in the room, and the pt is sound asleep.
 
CC: "Ate too many pot cookies.. Now feeling critical about myself"
 
EM2013 said:
CC: Insomnia

I walk in the room, and the pt is sound asleep.
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Problem seems to have resolved itself without medical intervention. Patient will be discharged with instructions to follow up with PCP.

:laugh:
 
Top 3 from my last month rotation:

1. "Something feels like it is moving inside my belly."- Bedside ultrasound revealed a 26-week old baby.

2. "Lost tampon"

3. "I have a jar stuck up my butt." Stated that he fell on it, and that it had been there for 10 days.
 
CC: "I gots tha high blood; tha low sugga'; and I'mma mutha-f*ckin' mazz-MATT-ick"

AND (from a different patient requesting a psych admit for acute SI),
CC: I was going to drown myself in the river, but I don't know how to swim.
 
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