I was hit on by the physician I shadowed.

[PikaDocGirl]

I was recently asked by one of the physicians that I shadow what my plans for the weekend were. After I had told him he also decided to add, "well if you are free tomorrow evening, let me know." I do not have LOR yet, but was planning on asking him for one.

How have other women in this field dealt with superiors and/or individuals in power such as someone who could write you a LOR, or refer you to other physicians for shadowing purposes, but obviously also have an attraction to you, try to hit on you, sleep with you, etc...?

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[deleted393595]

I was recently asked by one of the physicians that I shadow what my plans for the weekend were. After I had told him he also decided to add, "well if you are free tomorrow evening, let me know." I do not have LOR yet, but was planning on asking him for one.

How have other women in this field dealt with superiors and/or individuals in power such as someone who could write you a LOR, or refer you to other physicians for shadowing purposes, but obviously also have an attraction to you, try to hit on you, sleep with you, etc...?

If it's any comfort, physician LORs are worthless. You're much better off getting a LOR from a professor or PI or someone else.

 

[piii]

If it's any comfort, physician LORs are worthless. You're much better off getting a LOR from a professor or PI or someone else.

You mean shadowing LOR are worthless.

 

[skinofteeth]

Gurl, find someone else to shadow. It's not worth it. Network, use your resources at school/clubs, etc.

A lot of medical professionals are creeps. I just walk away or brush em off.

 

[oOKawaiiOo]

Women have it sooooo easy.

 

[amazing tekkers]

Is he an OB/GYN?

 

[Spector1]

probably don't shadow him again if it makes you uncomfortable. simple as that.

 

[Affiche]

I was hit on too and it was by a physician that worked with my boss...super awkward. Tbh I figured I would put up with it if I needed a letter from him since he was a DO but he was getting more and more forward so I said deuces and left it at that. Never needed a letter so it was fine, but if he's getting into your personal space then gtfo

 

[Mad Jack]

Women have it sooooo easy.

Easy? Yeah, just bang a dude you're not into for a recommendation. Sooooo easy...

Let's imagine you're hit on by an attending that happens to be into dudes. Is it suddenly "easy" to take them up on their offer? It isn't ****ing easy, it's sexual harassment when someone in a position of power tries to use it to their advantage like this.

 

[esob]

If it's any comfort, physician LORs are worthless. You're much better off getting a LOR from a professor or PI or someone else.

What's a PI?

 

[Catalystik]

I was recently asked by one of the physicians that I shadow what my plans for the weekend were. After I had told him he also decided to add, "well if you are free tomorrow evening, let me know." I do not have LOR yet, but was planning on asking him for one.

How do you know he wasn't going to invite you to shadow him during an on-call shift, or somesuch?

 

[Catalystik]

What's a PI?

PI=Principal Investigator, the person in charge of a research effort.

 

[Annabell Lee]

Easy? Yeah, just bang a dude you're not into for a recommendation. Sooooo easy...

Let's imagine you're hit on by an attending that happens to be into dudes. Is it suddenly "easy" to take them up on their offer? It isn't ****ing easy, it's sexual harassment when someone in a position of power tries to use it to their advantage like this.

Not to mention that accomplishments and recommendations that are actually earned with hard work tend to get dismissed because people assume you did sexual favors for them or somehow got them by being pretty and flirty instead of intelligent and hard working.

 

[Annabell Lee]

How do you know he wasn't going to invite you to shadow him during an on-call shift, or somesuch?

I kind of wondered the same thing, but am giving OP the benefit of the doubt. Context, body language, tone of voice, touching etc can make the quoted words anywhere from friendly to super creepy.

 

[Lannister]

@Avicenna Usually trolls are funny but that was just disgusting.

 

[deleted393595]

What's a PI?

PI = Principal Investigator. Eg: A professor you do research under.

 

[Law2Doc]

While I get that being hit on by someone you aren't interested in is uncomfortable, I think the "harassment" term being thrown around above probably doesn't fit here. You have no employment relationship with this guy. He isn't a superior in any employment sense, he's just a guy working in a profession you have an interest in who is letting you hang out with him. This isn't your workplace, even though he's letting you see it. There is no real "quid pro quo" being offered here -- as most people for allo don't even bother with a reference letter from someone they shadow and you (OP) haven't even asked for a recommendation yet. So really this is just some guy you know who is asking you out at in a setting you find distasteful. I'd say you should find someone else to shadow because obviously you find his advances uncomfortable. But again, this isn't your workplace and he isn't a boss, superviser, etc. so the "harassment" term and reference to "superiors" doesn't fit. He isn't in a position to fire you, promote you, give you a raise, dock your pay, get you into med school, and you don't even work there.

 

[sliceofbread136]

While I get that being hit on by someone you aren't interested in is uncomfortable, I think the "harassment" term being thrown around above probably doesn't fit here. You have no employment relationship with this guy. He isn't a superior in any employment sense, he's just a guy working in a profession you have an interest in who is letting you hang out with him. This isn't your workplace, even though he's letting you see it. There is no real "quid pro quo" being offered here -- as most people for allo don't even bother with a reference letter from someone they shadow and you (OP) haven't even asked for a recommendation yet. So really this is just some guy you know who is asking you out at in a setting you find distasteful. I'd say you should find someone else to shadow because obviously you find his advances uncomfortable. But again, this isn't your workplace and he isn't a boss, superviser, etc. so the "harassment" term and reference to "superiors" doesn't fit. He isn't in a position to fire you, promote you, give you a raise, dock your pay, get you into med school, and you don't even work there.

It is still very unprofessional. Hopefully he meant that the OP should come shadow him that day and this is all a misunderstanding.

 

[Lost in Translation]

What's a PI?

You donated to this forum and you don't know what a PI is?

I don't know how donation works.

 

[Law2Doc]

It is still very unprofessional. Hopefully he meant that the OP should come shadow him that day and this is all a misunderstanding.

You will see tons and tons of doctors marrying nurses and other hospital employees and you know they all started with someone asking the other if they wanted to go out. And that's all more significant in terms of workplace issues because they all actually work there, even if in unrelated departments-- employee manuals frown on that. But if there's no employment or supervisory relationship it's hard to put any legal name on it, although it may be undesired by one party. I'm not saying it's "professional" to do this but I'm saying using words like harassment or superior are off the mark.

 

[AlfonsTheGuru]

Easy? Yeah, just bang a dude you're not into for a recommendation. Sooooo easy...

Let's imagine you're hit on by an attending that happens to be into dudes. Is it suddenly "easy" to take them up on their offer? It isn't ****ing easy, it's sexual harassment when someone in a position of power tries to use it to their advantage like this.

I believe this was meant to be sarcastic I hope? Also, you seem to be generalizing. Even though it is less likely, let's say a woman you are not attracted to asks you out to dinner. You say no, and now you have a conflict in the workplace. These sort of situations aren't caused solely by men.

 

[ProspectiveKidd]

Maybe you inadvertently gave him a sign or he misinterpreted your friendliness? Maybe he really does want to take advantage of you because he thinks you are likely to go along with it. It doesn't necessarily mean he's abusing a power position either way, and I think we are short-sighted to assume otherwise, particularly outside of the given context.

But if you aren't going to do it and you wanted a LOR you should find a new Dr to shadow (semi-srs).

 

[Mad Jack]

I believe this was meant to be sarcastic I hope? Also, you seem to be generalizing. Even though it is less likely, let's say a woman you are not attracted to asks you out to dinner. You say no, and now you have a conflict in the workplace. These sort of situations aren't caused solely by men.

My response was specifically to a person who said "women have it so lucky." I know, context is hard.

 

[Annabell Lee]

My response was specifically to a person who said "women have it so lucky." I know, context is hard.

Some day I am going to find a way t give you cookies through the internet.

 

[AlfonsTheGuru]

My response was specifically to a person who said "women have it so lucky." I know, context is hard.

Why do you have to specify a homosexual relationship (I have nothing against such relationships) and not just relationships in general?

 

[Mad Jack]

Why do you have to specify a homosexual relationship (I have nothing against such relationships) and not just relationships in general?

It's the easiest way to give a guy the same sense of revulsion that most women feel when an unwanted, older guy hits on a woman in a completely inappropriate context.

 

[allantois]

Jeez, you are neither his employee, nor patient; there's no professional relationship between you whatsoever.

 

[AlfonsTheGuru]

It's the easiest way to give a guy the same sense of revulsion that most women feel when an unwanted, older guy hits on a woman in a completely inappropriate context.

Well, I am sorry I misunderstood you. The specific example just seemed like you were generalizing.

 

[BluMist]

just going to leave it here... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_cookie

Some day I am going to find a way t give you cookies through the internet.

 

[atomi]

In the story, as told, the guy did absolutely nothing wrong and innocently asked her out, which is not the same as "hitting on" (which requires unwelcome flirting and attempts at physical contact). Maybe he really is a creep, but maybe he's just a good guy who found her attractive.

Going off on a tangent here...Older guy liking a younger girl doesn't automatically = pervert. 30+ year old women hate on and gossip about these types of guys all the time (successful middle aged men with younger girlfriends/wives). But when these now-judgemental older women were back in college riding the **** carousel and he was diligently studying and actually wanted a serious relationship instead of casual sex, do you think they would have given him the time of day? Because there are a lot of male physicians who did just that. It's rough being a young man who works hard and desires real relationships with women watch their romantic interests reject them over and over again for some douchey frat guy they find hot who just wants to use them. The really good guys peak when they are 30-40. I don't blame them one bit for being more interested in the 25 year olds instead of those their age who disregarded them left and right when they were younger and now suddenly and desperately think they deserve them.

I don't know the particulars of this situation at all because they were not given, and I could be totally 100% wrong about this dude, but for some reason as written, I kinda feel sorry for the guy.

 

[Mad Jack]

In the story, as told, the guy did absolutely nothing wrong and innocently asked her out, which is not the same as "hitting on" (which requires unwelcome flirting and attempts at physical contact). Maybe he really is a creep, but maybe he's just a good guy who found her attractive.

Going off on a tangent here...Older guy liking a younger girl doesn't automatically = pervert. 30+ year old women hate on and gossip about these types of guys all the time (successful middle aged men with younger girlfriends/wives). But when these now-judgemental older women were back in college riding the **** carousel and he was diligently studying and actually wanted a serious relationship instead of casual sex, do you think they would have given him the time of day? Because there are a lot of male physicians who did just that. It's rough being a young man who works hard and desires real relationships with women watch their romantic interests reject them over and over again for some douchey frat guy they find hot who just wants to use them. The really good guys peak when they are 30-40. I don't blame them one bit for being more interested in the 25 year olds instead of those their age who disregarded them left and right when they were younger and now suddenly and desperately think they deserve them.

I don't know the particulars of this situation at all because they were not given, and I could be totally 100% wrong about this dude, but for some reason as written, I kinda feel sorry for the guy.

Sounds like you might have some issues with women dude. You might want to seek some therapy. That you used the term **** carousel is highly concerning- it's generally only used by beta PUA/MGTOW types

 

[Whats up Doc!]

You could just mention in passing that you have a boyfriend (whether or not its true) I feel like this is something most girls would have automatically done?!?! I would have slept with the doctor I had shadowed if it would have gotten me a solid LOR but he was married, not gay, didnt hit on me, and I too am in a committed relationship and not gay, but besides all that I totally woulda done it.Seriously though I agree with what everyone else is saying, he was just a guy asking you out (if he was???)and that really isnt a crime? But if you were really uncomfortable then just stop going.

 

[Turkishking]

Don't go there anymore

 

[Glazedonutlove]

say "no I am not free" and move on or find another doctor to shadow if you need

 

[atomi]

That you used the term **** carousel is highly concerning- it's generally only used by beta PUA/MGTOW types

I had to look up what those acronyms are. That you knew what they were is probably more highly concerning. Funny that it's a thing now in the past few years since I noticed this behavior over a decade ago. Do I have issues with women? Yes, I have issues with women that slept with 75-100 men during their teens and 20s and now want to settle down with a guy like me and try to shame us for having a problem with their past. I encounter more and more often. Sorry, not interested. I have a good one. Yes, she's younger. No, I don't care what you think.

 

[Chelsea FC]

I had to look up what those acronyms are. That you knew what they were is probably more highly concerning. Funny that it's a thing now in the past few years since I noticed this behavior over a decade ago. Do I have issues with women? Yes, I have issues with women that slept with 75-100 men during their teens and 20s and now want to settle down with a guy like me and try to shame us for having a problem with their past. I encounter more and more often. Sorry, not interested. I have a good one. Yes, she's younger. No, I don't care what you think.

Bitter man ...

 

[Cotterpin]

Well, this thread took a gross turn.

 

[sliceofbread136]

You will see tons and tons of doctors marrying nurses and other hospital employees and you know they all started with someone asking the other if they wanted to go out. And that's all more significant in terms of workplace issues because they all actually work there, even if in unrelated departments-- employee manuals frown on that. But if there's no employment or supervisory relationship it's hard to put any legal name on it, although it may be undesired by one party. I'm not saying it's "professional" to do this but I'm saying using words like harassment or superior are off the mark.

I agree it isn't harassment, but I don't see it in the same light as asking out a nurse or other employee. Maybe it's the fact that I don't think a teacher should be asking out his student, or that there is probably a significant age differential but something about this just makes it seem much more inappropriate.

 

[amazing tekkers]

I had to look up what those acronyms are. That you knew what they were is probably more highly concerning. Funny that it's a thing now in the past few years since I noticed this behavior over a decade ago. Do I have issues with women? Yes, I have issues with women that slept with 75-100 men during their teens and 20s and now want to settle down with a guy like me and try to shame us for having a problem with their past. I encounter more and more often. Sorry, not interested. I have a good one. Yes, she's younger. No, I don't care what you think.

 

[ProspectiveKidd]

Bitter man ...

How is he being bitter? You would want a girl like that? There are plenty of them out there wanting to nest up with an honest guy like yourself after they've been used and taken advantage of in relationships.

You think just because she's with you now that she's changed? Girls that partake in that sort of thing never really do. They were promiscuous in the first place before you came along and you aren't changing anything about that. View these situations objectively if you must, but always be rational.

 

[amazing tekkers]

Bitter man ...

nothing bitter about it.

 

[911 Turbo]

Sounds like you might have some issues with women dude. You might want to seek some therapy. That you used the term **** carousel is highly concerning- it's generally only used by beta PUA/MGTOW types

u got a prob with mgtow brah?

 

[ProspectiveKidd]

.

 

[mehc012]

I'm sorry, I think I got whiplash somewhere along the line when we transitioned from the expected "girls are too uptight about men hitting on them" to "eww, promiscuous girls are the worst, never date a girl who openly admits she enjoyed sex when she was younger."

Pray tell me, what is the appropriate level of openness to advances that I, as a woman, am expected to achieve?

 

[Cytarabine]

I'm sorry, I think I got whiplash somewhere along the line when we transitioned from the expected "girls are too uptight about men hitting on them" to "eww, promiscuous girls are the worst, never date a girl who openly admits she enjoyed sex when she was younger."

Pray tell me, what is the appropriate level of openness to advances that I, as a woman, am expected to achieve?

I think most guys just want a girl who's a lady on the streets and a girl who is willing to role play as pidgeot while reading on the origin of species in the sheets

 

[mehc012]

I think most guys just want a girl who's a lady on the streets and a girl who is willing to role play as pidgeot while reading on the origin of species in the sheets

That Pidgeotto shriek tho...

No, but seriously now I keep picturing a girl quietly reading her book, her bf slides over, gives her a hug, and all of a sudden she turns and screams right in his face "PIDGEOOOOOTT" in the same ridiculous voice from the cartoon and now I hurt from laughing too much!

 

[arc5005]

Some of the comments in this thread are examples of the gender double standards and inequality that still exists b/w men & women. smh

 

[Chelsea FC]

Hey trust me it is changing .. I have come around to the idea of sexual freedom when it comes to girls. I will admit If my Gf said she slept with 25 guys it would make me pause for a second. But I would tell myself its totally fine because I slept with more and that doesnt make me a deviant ha ha ha . I am trying to work towards making myself a better individual when it comes to these matters . I hope those on this forum try and do the same.

 

[TheZaLord]

You also can't assume because a woman is closer to your age she banged 75-100 guys...many women themselves were in long term serious relationships that did not work out.
You're going to assume that because they're your age they would have rejected you when you were younger?

And this whole "You don't deserve a nice guy like me" reeks of the whole mentality that "nice guys" always finish last or are "in the friend zone".
As if being nice to a women entitles you to sleep with her and she's denying you something you've "earned". Be a kind, or be a gentleman because it's right, not because you think it should get you a f*ck or even a relationship.
Women owe you no such thing.

That said, OP- outside of any unwanted flirting or touching it does not sound like "harassment". Just an ask out.
That said, if it makes you uncomfortable that's legit and would be best to just find a new place to shadow.

 

[oOKawaiiOo]

You have a valid point, but do we REALLY know if this doctor is hitting on her? Young females do read too much into situations sometimes.

For example........a common event of a woman who drops her purse......
A young gentleman sees her accident and tries to be a good samaritan and give back the purse.
Young man,"Excuse me miss!"
The young pretty woman would immediately say, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend." Then proceed to walk off without giving the guy a chance to talk.

Again as always, I do generalize.

Believe me....... I'm on your side MadJack. You're one of my fav people on this site. Thanks for noticing me senpai.......

Easy? Yeah, just bang a dude you're not into for a recommendation. Sooooo easy...

Let's imagine you're hit on by an attending that happens to be into dudes. Is it suddenly "easy" to take them up on their offer? It isn't ****ing easy, it's sexual harassment when someone in a position of power tries to use it to their advantage like this.

100%

While I get that being hit on by someone you aren't interested in is uncomfortable, I think the "harassment" term being thrown around above probably doesn't fit here. You have no employment relationship with this guy. He isn't a superior in any employment sense, he's just a guy working in a profession you have an interest in who is letting you hang out with him. This isn't your workplace, even though he's letting you see it. There is no real "quid pro quo" being offered here -- as most people for allo don't even bother with a reference letter from someone they shadow and you (OP) haven't even asked for a recommendation yet. So really this is just some guy you know who is asking you out at in a setting you find distasteful. I'd say you should find someone else to shadow because obviously you find his advances uncomfortable. But again, this isn't your workplace and he isn't a boss, superviser, etc. so the "harassment" term and reference to "superiors" doesn't fit. He isn't in a position to fire you, promote you, give you a raise, dock your pay, get you into med school, and you don't even work there.