A great girl broke my heart

[ohplease]

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I've been dating my gf for almost 4 years. We've been long dist. for about 2 of them. She's 2 years older than me and is finishing law school, while I just got into med school. People always asked me how do you do it, ie. long dist. I always used to tell them that I didn't even have to try, it just worked because we loved each other. I visited her whenever I could.

She broke up with me recently citing the distance, the uncertainty of where I am going to be, and possibliy that we're incompatiable. I just never thought she would have the heart to break up with me and hurt me so bad. I probably will only be an hour away.

I'm only 23 so I feel like I'm still maturing and would be lying to her if I told her I knew she was the one, because I just don't know what I'll be like under that stress load. I'll be in debt and have less time for her while she's beautiful funny easy to get along with, plus she'll have a plush corporate law job. I just thought that stuff didn't matter, just as long as we were together. The reason I have so must faith in her is because we've been through a lot together. She was there when I was very sick also. This was basically our first major problem and it has led to a breakup. I tried to get her back but she says it's just not going to work.

All this just makes me think. A lot of people just automatically priortize their careers over their significant others. It just makes me wonder if I had gone into another less demanding profession, whether that could have saved our relationship. I don't know it just hurts so bad.


Damn it

 

[GeneGoddess]

I'm sorry. Breaking up really sucks. And wondering if you could have done something different is common, but there is nothing that you can do (save invent a time-machine) to change anything. This won't help you now, but you WILL feel better eventually. And b*tching about it here will probably help also, so feel free to let loose.

 

[rpkall]

It's probably for the best; really. You're going off to med school; you're 23 now; you weren't sure if she was the one. You have time to work on yourself, your relationships with others, and the emotional/psychological stressors of medical school, too... Without having to worry about someone else.

Perhaps the trigger for this is that your girl realized that she didn't want to spend her life moving around for you--to go to the city where your med school is; then move together when you match into residency, etc, etc. If this is the reason, the breakup is really for the best; the last thing you want to do is drag an unwilling wife around the country while she secretly resents you for not having all the big corporate law opportunities she could have had... That would suck BIG time, and you'd both had about 0% chance of being ultimately happy with your marriage/relationship.

I also couldn't blame her if she doesn't want to uproot herself without being engaged or married first. There's little insurance when you put your life on hold--or at least, arrange things in your professional life to coincide/mesh with your boyfriend's life. Making big life changes/sacrifices for a boyfriend is very different than making them for a fiance--doing the former is stupid, most of the time; doing the latter is smarter. You said yourself you weren't sure if she was the "one"; maybe she's not sure about you, and she sees little point in continuing a relationship that's probably not going anywhere. Or, maybe she did think you were the one, but you haven't committed yet (i.e., proposal) and she's worried that you two will break up after she makes sacrifices to be with you.

You'll get back on your feet again, anyhow. Concentrate on school and making new friends, and all that; you'll meet some hot med student chick in groping lab, and so forth.

Good luck, and best wishes.

Don't bitch too much; you're liable to start feeling sorry for yourself. 😉

 

[cooldreams]

forget her. she is not worth it. not at all. you WILL meet many others. 😎

i was dating this gurl long dist for about 3 yrs, then came back in town and got ingaged! after a yr, and 5 days before the wedding, she breaks up with me. we even got a freaking house together. i think she just got cold feet but she let out a lot of stuff that i had no idea was there, and is probablly for the best we didnt get hitched. at least i for one am happy. she said something about wanting to date again, but i said if i did not think getting married was a possibility then i didnt want to. havent heard from her since. good ridence.

i was 23 when we broke up. there are many many more out there. im 25 now and have dated maybe 10 more women. screw the getting married thing, im just gonna date for the rest of my life... 😍 😀

 

[ohplease]

Thank you guys so much for your thoughtful advice. I feel better hearing from people who seem like they've been through similar difficulities. Maybe I am being a little selfish in that I want to keep her without making a complete commitment, I just don't know myself well enough I guess.

But I think all guys have that innate instinct that they don't want a girl that they love being with any other guys. I know it doesn't make any logical sense after we broke up, but hey I'm only human... apparently this guy has been hitting on her already and she might even have interest in him, it's only been a few weeks... damn.....cold...

Anyways... ONE QUESTION: When are we supposed to go after the girl and when are we supposed to just let them go...I mean I could see going to her place (which is far) as very romantic or stalkerish... Just wondering... cause I think the way this thing goes changes my life.

 

[MoosePilot]

Thank you guys so much for your thoughtful advice. I feel better hearing from people who seem like they've been through similar difficulities. Maybe I am being a little selfish in that I want to keep her without making a complete commitment, I just don't know myself well enough I guess.

But I think all guys have that innate instinct that they don't want a girl that they love being with any other guys. I know it doesn't make any logical sense after we broke up, but hey I'm only human... apparently this guy has been hitting on her already and she might even have interest in him, it's only been a few weeks... damn.....cold...

Anyways... ONE QUESTION: When are we supposed to go after the girl and when are we supposed to just let them go...I mean I could see going to her place (which is far) as very romantic or stalkerish... Just wondering... cause I think the way this thing goes changes my life.

If you've been dating for years, it's not stalkerish to go after her once unless she told you specifically not to. If you persist in the face of rejection - that's eventually stalkerish.

 

[cooldreams]

screw it dood. dont even leave an email. if she likes you AT ALL anymore, she will try to contact you somehow. in today's lawsuit happy world, you could possibly say nearly anything is "stalkerish"...

this all really sounds to me like she was hardly interested in you long term anyways. once she was free from school, she wanted to be free from you and live the exciting law life. dont even bother with her anymore... not at all worth it... sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.... 👎

 

[Sainttpk]

Anyways... ONE QUESTION: When are we supposed to go after the girl and when are we supposed to just let them go...I mean I could see going to her place (which is far) as very romantic or stalkerish... Just wondering... cause I think the way this thing goes changes my life.

I think more often then not people use their career as an excuse for their failed relationships. You are a young man with a bright future ahead of you. I know how hard it is for you, because I have been there, time will heal your pain, however just remeber when you meet the right person, they will support you no matter what, and they will not let their career and work be an excuse for why your relationship with them has gone sour.

Unfortunately people in our society use the excuse of work way to much for the way they live their lives, trust me if it was not work it would have been something else!

T

 

[Yah-E]

Keep your head up high. I know break ups and fights can be tough to get over, but sometimes things simply aren't meant to be. Myself will be faced with LDR here about two weeks when my GF and I separate as I go off on my month rotation and she leaves for her residency.

Unlike you and your two years being physically together before your LDR, we only have roughly 5 months between us before our LDR. I'm scared what will happen to us, but I believe everything happens for a reason. My GF and I say we'll try our best to "keep it alive", but who knows what will happen. Distance does make the hearts go fonder.

After reading your situation, I believe that you need to figure out what you want the most. If you can't see her as your future wife, then let it go. But if you do see her as your future wife and "the one", then go after her. Good luck. LDR sucks, never been a fan!

 

[ohplease]

Hey guys, I'm back for more bitching. I think I really do understand why she would want to leave. The distance, the uncertainty, the following around a guy who she's not sure she's gonna marry. But that's not what really irriates and depresses me anymore

It's the fact that some guy is already moving in on the girl that I care so much about. I mean I want to take care of her so bad, be the one to make her laugh, the only one that she holds close. She looks more beautiful and kind to me everyday and I haven't even seen her.

She told me that she's not sure what her feelings for the guy is. When I first heard that I went into a tirade. Because I just couldn't believe she could even possibly have feelings for someone else, right after our break up. I think that's worse than making out with someone at a party during a relationship, at least it's not emotional cheating. I asked her how it happened and she said she's not sure. They studied a lot together recently and had dinner a few times, and he's good looking and really nice.

I really wanted to take this whole thing maturely. I guess that means understanding she has different needs and that I should let her go, but still be there for her as a friend. But more and more I'm getting angry at her for doing this to me. It sounds horrible but I almost want to let her know how much she hurt me, by never talking to her again. Someone who I once thought could have been my soulmate.

I just don't know what to do. Granted it's only been a few weeks, but things don't feel like they're getting better. I don't know if I should talk or see her again.

In hind-sight: I think everyone knows the phrase you don't know what you have until you lose it. But in reality it's actually really hard to do. Who really treasures their legs or hands everyday? She was like that to me. She was a part of me and now that she is gone so suddenly, I'm just so broken. I can't even describe it. Obviously, I don't know how, but please try to treasure what you have before you lose it.

 

[samenewme]

It's not clear whether you want advice or not, but in case you do, I think it's WAY too early to try to be friends. Take some time away from her, as far away as you can be, and kind of lick your wounds and heal and get perspective. Almost anything she does right now will only hurt you.

 

[ohplease]

Yeah sorry about the ambiguity. I definately want advice. Granted no one knows my situation intimately, but I think the objectivity helps too. I'm sorry, but I actually feel self centered, by posting so much about myself, but I really do feel worse than I can remember. But maybe other people can learn from my probs too?

Anyways, any comments appreciated.

 

[Yah-E]

After reading your last post, man, I'm sorry to say, you've lost her. I've been there before where my ex "didn't know how she felt about a guy"! BULL****! Your girl and this guy had feelings for one another long before she broke it off with you, I guarantee you. I wouldn't even put it pass her that she has already kissed him before she broke up with you!

Man, when you don't keep your girl in your arm's length for a long period of time, she'll get lonely and another guy will come into the picture. I lost my ex of almost 6 years to another guy simply because I was long distanced from her due to schooling.

Almost exactly like your situation. It hurts my man, but she dogged you like my ex had dogged me. "I love you"s and "I miss you"s only last and work for so long, most relationships really require that physical presence of their partners to make it work. Sorry to hear the bad situation, but keep your head up, there are other fishes in the sea, I assure you. You may just lost one of your limbs, but perhaps a beautiful prosthesis addition (a new barbie doll look like GF) will be in your future!

I sympathesize to its fullest.

 

[ohplease]

Hey Yah-E, thanks for the reply, it feels good to know someone knows what I'm feeling and that you seem to have gotten over it.

Have you gotten over it completely? Does it ever drive you crazy, even now? Do you still talk to her? Neutral feelings? Hate her? Did she ever try to talk to you again? Would you want to talk to her again?

Thanks man

 

[Yah-E]

The ex that did this to me, we've been apart now for a long time, roughly 3 years. Am I over her, oh yes, completely! Does it still drive me crazy? Not at all, I now use my break up story as entertainment story with friends! I only talk and see her currently because we shared two beautiful children together. Wasn't for the children, I rather not deal with her at all! If you read the "Feeling about the Ex" thread, I'm a "if it's in the past, leave it in the past" type of guy. I don't like to talk to exs, but I have to in this case.

My ex and I don't communicate unless there is a need to communicate due to children topics. We're civil, we're cool with one another, but when we broke up, man, I was a mess and she has hurted me like no other! I never thought I get over her, I too, thought she was the one, my god, almost 6 years of dating and two children together, I figured that I got it locked!? I eventually got over her (dating a lot of fun and beautiful ladies helps tremendously) and now I found a new love of my life who I believe is so much more better for me and beautiful than my ex.

See, life will go on and you will find another. Just give it time and let yourself heal.

 

[sdnstud]

I went through the same situation several years ago. The best advice I received while I was going through my crisis? Leave her alone and forget about her. Put away everything that reminds you of her, including any pictures on your computer, her screenname on your buddy list, her number on your cell phone, etc. Regarding the new guys? Do not ask about him, do not think about him, do not care about what she thinks of him or vice versa.

Go get a PS2, and play it whenever you're lonely. Go to the bar and hit on every girl you see. Sooner or later, you'll see that there are so many other fishes in the pond. 👍

if the old doesn't go, the new doesn't come bro.

Hey guys, I'm back for more bitching. I think I really do understand why she would want to leave. The distance, the uncertainty, the following around a guy who she's not sure she's gonna marry. But that's not what really irriates and depresses me anymore

It's the fact that some guy is already moving in on the girl that I care so much about. I mean I want to take care of her so bad, be the one to make her laugh, the only one that she holds close. She looks more beautiful and kind to me everyday and I haven't even seen her.

She told me that she's not sure what her feelings for the guy is. When I first heard that I went into a tirade. Because I just couldn't believe she could even possibly have feelings for someone else, right after our break up. I think that's worse than making out with someone at a party during a relationship, at least it's not emotional cheating. I asked her how it happened and she said she's not sure. They studied a lot together recently and had dinner a few times, and he's good looking and really nice.

I really wanted to take this whole thing maturely. I guess that means understanding she has different needs and that I should let her go, but still be there for her as a friend. But more and more I'm getting angry at her for doing this to me. It sounds horrible but I almost want to let her know how much she hurt me, by never talking to her again. Someone who I once thought could have been my soulmate.

I just don't know what to do. Granted it's only been a few weeks, but things don't feel like they're getting better. I don't know if I should talk or see her again.

In hind-sight: I think everyone knows the phrase you don't know what you have until you lose it. But in reality it's actually really hard to do. Who really treasures their legs or hands everyday? She was like that to me. She was a part of me and now that she is gone so suddenly, I'm just so broken. I can't even describe it. Obviously, I don't know how, but please try to treasure what you have before you lose it.

 

[cooldreams]

I went through the same situation several years ago. The best advice I received while I was going through my crisis? Leave her alone and forget about her. Put away everything that reminds you of her, including any pictures on your computer, her screenname on your buddy list, her number on your cell phone, etc. Regarding the new guys? Do not ask about him, do not think about him, do not care about what she thinks of him or vice versa.

Go get a PS2, and play it whenever you're lonely. Go to the bar and hit on every girl you see. Sooner or later, you'll see that there are so many other fishes in the pond. 👍

if the old doesn't go, the new doesn't come bro.

👍 👍

 

[r2b]

I went through the same situation several years ago. The best advice I received while I was going through my crisis? Leave her alone and forget about her. Put away everything that reminds you of her, including any pictures on your computer, her screenname on your buddy list, her number on your cell phone, etc. Regarding the new guys? Do not ask about him, do not think about him, do not care about what she thinks of him or vice versa.

Go get a PS2, and play it whenever you're lonely. Go to the bar and hit on every girl you see. Sooner or later, you'll see that there are so many other fishes in the pond. 👍

if the old doesn't go, the new doesn't come bro.

Good advice. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years after he told me he made out/ slept with (no sex) with another woman. I know I did the right thing but it has been tough getting over him. I put away the pictures, gifts, momentos but I left his screenname on my buddy list. I have been chatting with him regularly online (not about us, just how are you, how is life...etc) After reading this I think it is time to delete his screen name too. I have got to completely end it. It is tough, especially after you have invested so much time.

 

[Sainttpk]

After reading your last post, man, I'm sorry to say, you've lost her. I've been there before where my ex "didn't know how she felt about a guy"! BULL****! Your girl and this guy had feelings for one another long before she broke it off with you, I guarantee you. I wouldn't even put it pass her that she has already kissed him before she broke up with you!

Man, when you don't keep your girl in your arm's length for a long period of time, she'll get lonely and another guy will come into the picture. I lost my ex of almost 6 years to another guy simply because I was long distanced from her due to schooling.

Almost exactly like your situation. It hurts my man, but she dogged you like my ex had dogged me. "I love you"s and "I miss you"s only last and work for so long, most relationships really require that physical presence of their partners to make it work. Sorry to hear the bad situation, but keep your head up, there are other fishes in the sea, I assure you. You may just lost one of your limbs, but perhaps a beautiful prosthesis addition (a new barbie doll look like GF) will be in your future!

I sympathesize to its fullest.

Yaaa sounds like what my X did to me, she dogged me, so I took a 2X4 and smashed her car window in hehe. Just kidding!!

In all seriousness, totally let her go man, dont even think about her, go out dancing with some buddies and meet new and better looking women.

Its funny after going what you went through my heart is alot harder now, I do not let people f@#$ with me, the first dissing that a woman gives me I shut her off right away to prevent myself from being hurt. I realize how that their are much better women out ther who are mature. GL

T

 

[ohplease]

OK... yeah so I've taken a lot of that advice. Put away everything, blocked her on my buddylist, still have your phone number just in case of an emergency. Try my best to not think about her or what she might be doing w/ another guy. I've gone out to happy hours and clubs, and met some girls... but I'm not even close to ready to fill the void. Just for kicks I guess.

In the previous post, I see what you mean by how your heart has become more cold. I feel the same way. I think it's really unfortunate that I won't be able to trust anyone completely ever again. I mean how could you possibly after your first love.

The last conversation I had with her felt good. I wasn't begging to get her back or sobbing about how much she meant to me. I felt like I let go more. I told her to keep her heart and mind open and to try to not forget about us. I told her to try to not place the negativity of the end of our relationship onto her image of me and that I'd do my best keep my heart and mind open also. And that one day we might be friends again.

She's hurt me really bad. But what can she do about her emotions right? I can't really do anything about mine either. I love her to death, but she's just hurt me too much. I can't talk to her for a long time.

Now, I need a plan for the summer! Need to start setting some goals and treasure the free time I have before med school. Time and hot, kind hearted, smart girls that like me will heal my pain.

PS, listening to ray charles songs do not help. when I listen to "drown in my own tears" "hard times" and "you don't know me" I feel like crap. ok i'm rambling now haha.

 

[rah223]

I feel your pain. My boyfriend of 4 years (2 of which was LD) and I just broke up a week ago. It was a combination of the distance and the fact that he does not want a wife who is never around while we are young. By the time I finish med school and residency, I will be near 30. He wants someone who will be there everyday for dinner and who will have time to take random trips. I just can't provide that until I'm older. My fear is that I will never find a guy who will accept my career...many just aren't brought up to.

I love him so much, and I'm not sure what to do. I thought he was the one. I've put away all of the pictures and so on. The only thing I can't seem to do is delete his screenname. Every time I do, I end up putting it back on "just to check."

I wish I had advice for you, but it seems I need some of the same advice.

 

[Skip Intro]

Having been in this situation, both on the giving and the receiving end, on several occasions over the years, I can pretty much definitively say that it takes a good 6 months to 1 year to get back your normalcy. You have to have no contact with that person for that length of time, though. If you contact them, you're only going to prolong the agony.

You'll see. Six months to a year from now, you look back at what you're going through now and barely wonder whatever happened to "what's-her-face". But, the key - again - is severing all contact. Just do it. She broke-up with you, and you lost all "power" you had in the relationship, if you ever had any at all. So, there is no bargaining or hoping or continuing to wish that you'll get back with this person unless and until you can tip the power balance back to your favor. The best way to do this is to cease contact with them or, if this isn't possible, start calling the shots of exactly when and how you're going to communicate with them. Therefore, your only weapon at this point is to emotionally write her off and take back control of you, and it's the most powerful one both offensively and defensively. Offensively, it works because it takes away whatever power that person currently still holds over you. Defensively, it works because it allows your mind not to focus on this person anymore so you can move on. For example, you stop taking her calls and responding to her emails. If and when she does ever get you on the phone, you coldly but in a friendly way say something like, "Yeah, what's up? What do you need?" If she says she's just calling to check in on you and see if you're okay, you laugh and say, "Of course, why wouldn't I be okay?" Trust me, this will confuse the hell out of her. And, better yet, believe it in your heart of hearts when you say it. Envision yourself being fine without her. Envision yourself not caring about her and some other guy. Envision yourself finding some other girl who believes in you and wants to be with you and worships the ground you walk on. Pretty soon you'll start believing it.

Get your power back. You are hurt, but you are still in control of you. Never forget that. She doesn't love like you did her if she's off with some other guy. Don't let that burn you up. Instead, laugh at it and remember she's the fool for dumping you. And, believe it when you say that to yourself.

-Skip

 

[ohplease]

rah223, I know exactly what you're saying. It's a very helpless feeling. That we're just in a very early stage of our careers while our significant others are going to be established more quickly. I feel like it's a real loss when a couple truly love each other, but has a practical hurdle that keeps them apart. It's been about a month since I broke up, and it does feel a little better than the first week. I still check my IM sometimes too to see if she's online. Just hang in there... if your boyfriend would marry you, then he'd go through anything with you, sickness and health right? that includes med school. But I understand the problems, particularly with women and perceptions of their role in society. Don't be scared though. I think you will meet someone who will one day accept you for all that you are. I know that I would stick with my wife even if she had a very demanding career, I'd marry her because I love her, not because of her job. So hang in there, be strong, and take care of yourself.

skip intro. Thanks for the advice. I know what you mean. I do feel like I have more power, in that I can control our communications... I feel more free instead of pathetic. But I think your way is a little bit too extreme. I mean I love this girl...even though she hurt me. I don't want to play games with her...even though it might make her think of me more. If it takes that for her to love me, then this thing isn't going to get far anyways. I really do think it's true that I have control over myself and that I need to be strong. But it's also hard for me to just automatically say that she's the fool for dumping me. I mean, maybe she's being smart haha. I'd rather suffer than be in ignorant bliss.

 

[Skip Intro]

I'd rather suffer than be in ignorant bliss.

Ahh... you're enjoying wallowing in it. Fair enough. Not my cup of tea, but if you want to stew in your own juices far be it from me to suggest otherwise.

In the meantime, here's an oldie but a goodie for you on obsession...

In the days of my youth
I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I've reached the age
I've tried to do all those things the best I can.
No matter how I try,
I find my way into the same old jam.

*Good Times, Bad Times,
You know I had my share;
When my woman left home
For a brown eyed man,
Well, I still don't seem to care.

Seventeen, I fell in love
With a girl as sweet as could be,
Only took a couple of days
Till she was rid of me.
She swore that she would be all mine
And love me till the end,
But when I whispered in her ear
I lost another friend, oooh.

* Chorus

I know what it means to be alone,
I sure do wish I was at home.
I don't care what the neighbors say,
I'm gonna love you each and every day.
You can feel the beat within my heart.
Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part.

-Skip

 

[HUBBY123]

I've been dating my gf for almost 4 years. We've been long dist. for about 2 of them. She's 2 years older than me and is finishing law school, while I just got into med school. People always asked me how do you do it, ie. long dist. I always used to tell them that I didn't even have to try, it just worked because we loved each other. I visited her whenever I could.

She broke up with me recently citing the distance, the uncertainty of where I am going to be, and possibliy that we're incompatiable. I just never thought she would have the heart to break up with me and hurt me so bad. I probably will only be an hour away.

I'm only 23 so I feel like I'm still maturing and would be lying to her if I told her I knew she was the one, because I just don't know what I'll be like under that stress load. I'll be in debt and have less time for her while she's beautiful funny easy to get along with, plus she'll have a plush corporate law job. I just thought that stuff didn't matter, just as long as we were together. The reason I have so must faith in her is because we've been through a lot together. She was there when I was very sick also. This was basically our first major problem and it has led to a breakup. I tried to get her back but she says it's just not going to work.

All this just makes me think. A lot of people just automatically priortize their careers over their significant others. It just makes me wonder if I had gone into another less demanding profession, whether that could have saved our relationship. I don't know it just hurts so bad.


Damn it

Hey, I am very happy to see that at least one medical student is suffering! You chose your destiny, and now you pay the price! I am very happy that you are suffering. You all medical students should suffer like this all your lives, and then die and burn in hellfire for eternity! That's your punishment for choosing this profession, you arrogant medical students!!!!
My wife is a first year medical student, and she has become very arrogant lately and is wanting to end the marriage (we have been married for 2 years now). I am trying to be very understanding and supportive, but she is totally stressed out and says she cannot continue medical school and being married at the same time! I knew that she would go to medical school when we were dating, and I have been completely supportive of her at all times. But now my marriage is falling apart. I come from a very respectable family and I am highly educated and successful myself! A divorce would not only make me sad (since I love her so much, well I used to), but also it would be a black scar on the dignity of my family! I have been very confused lately about what to do, but now I think I will seek a divorce.

 

[Zephyrus]

Dear HUBBY,

Go fornicate yourself with an iron stick.

Sincerely,
Me.