Anyone willing to review my challenge essay?

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I'm not at the application stage so my advice will be limited, but I can read for tone, word choice, and tell you what I learned about you from it!
 
Are any of you willing to read my diversity essay? Just using this thread instead of starting a new one.
 
@BachDoc
I'm not at the application stage so my advice will be limited, but I can read for tone, word choice, and tell you what I learned about you from it!
 
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