MD & DO Are my classmates/friends acting mean or am I offended for no reason?

[BeautyGuru]

Hey guys!

I'm a first year medical student and school is overall fine but as the year is progressing, the horrible personalities of people are coming out in my class and I am having a very hard time believing that such a smart group of people can be so outright dumb or malicious. Please hear my story and let me know if I am thinking wrong!

So I have two friends who are from the same country, came to USA a decade ago, and currently first year medical students. When it is just us three, the two of them have started to speak in their home language and just exclude me out of the conversation even though i'm just standing there and its just us three. I mean i'm totally excited about speaking multiple languages but only if everyone feels included and can understand. I've noticed that this has only started to happen this month and never happened previously. So, today one of them turns around and looks at me, because I just let them talk and walked behind and she says whats wrong, why are you upset. I wasn't upset and was on the phone casually walking so I don't even know how she could know how I looked considering i was behind her. So I just told her I was just giving them space to talk since I cannot understand their language and didn't wanna disturb. So then she's like well you should know this language too and you will have to learn because we have three more years left. I'm like okay teach me and they are like wait the accent won't work. they are like just ask for a translation. I don't know why I would need to know their language since I am not from their country and I know my own country's language and English obviously. They speak English very well and have been living in america for over a decade and gone to ivy league schools.

What should I do? I can't help but feel like this is being done on purpose to get me to fight or push by buttons. Why would someone who spoke english for an entire 8 months suddlenly speak a language thats different and only in front of me. I know they are not talking about me. But its just not nice to leave a friend out who cannot understand.

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[CherryRedDracul]

Hey guys!

I'm a first year medical student and school is overall fine but as the year is progressing, the horrible personalities of people are coming out in my class and I am having a very hard time believing that such a smart group of people can be so outright dumb or malicious. Please hear my story and let me know if I am thinking wrong!

So I have two friends who are from the same country, came to USA a decade ago, and currently first year medical students. When it is just us three, the two of them have started to speak in their home language and just exclude me out of the conversation even though i'm just standing there and its just us three. I mean i'm totally excited about speaking multiple languages but only if everyone feels included and can understand. I've noticed that this has only started to happen this month and never happened previously. So, today one of them turns around and looks at me, because I just let them talk and walked behind and she says whats wrong, why are you upset. I wasn't upset and was on the phone casually walking so I don't even know how she could know how I looked considering i was behind her. So I just told her I was just giving them space to talk since I cannot understand their language and didn't wanna disturb. So then she's like well you should know this language too and you will have to learn because we have three more years left. I'm like okay teach me and they are like wait the accent won't work. they are like just ask for a translation. I don't know why I would need to know their language since I am not from their country and I know my own country's language and English obviously. They speak English very well and have been living in america for over a decade and gone to ivy league schools.

What should I do? I can't help but feel like this is being done on purpose to get me to fight or push by buttons. Why would someone who spoke english for an entire 8 months suddlenly speak a language thats different and only in front of me. I know they are not talking about me. But its just not nice to leave a friend out who cannot understand.

You have no obligation to learn their language. Whenever I'm with friends who speak my language and there's a non-speaker in my presence, I always speak in the common shared language of the group (English) to maintain inclusivity. That's standard etiquette.

From what you've written, sounds like they're being douchey. You can choose to call them out or find better friends. No need to keep negativity around you because the pressures of medical school will provide enough stress.

 

[BeautyGuru]

Thank you,
I was unsure if this is the norm or of I was the only one to make a conscious effort to never speak a language my third friend in the room couldn't understand. I'm just really upset at how people are behaving. I'm having a really hard time understanding why they would decide to do that all of a sudden. Thank you for your response.

 

[Merely]

I disagree I think you are being too sensitive. They are just being nice saying you have 3 years to learn their language cause they will teach you. I don't really know how they were being mean or what you interpreted as mean. They just like talking in their language which is not douchey but kind of weird, it prolly has to do with their culture and not understanding that its not appropriate to exclude you. I don't think its purposefully mean just more ignorance.

 

[BeautyGuru]

okay good to hear an opposing view. Thanks! I just think that it is impossible to learn a language that you have no exposure to in the middle of medical school when two people speak it fluently and you stare. Also, they both stressed that I won't have the same accent so it will be difficult. I can't keep asking for translations or keep staring. I;ll just remove myself from the situation.

 

[ActinicKeratosis]

Why do you feel like you need to learn their language?


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[750335]

I disagree I think you are being too sensitive. They are just being nice saying you have 3 years to learn their language cause they will teach you. I don't really know how they were being mean or what you interpreted as mean. They just like talking in their language which is not douchey but kind of weird, it prolly has to do with their culture and not understanding that its not appropriate to exclude you. I don't think its purposefully mean just more ignorance.

This. I don't think the intent is malicious. I think it is most likely cultural. You will pick up a bit of the language whether you like it or not if you remain friends with them, and it will actually get to a point where they speak to you in the language, and you may not be able to respond in it but you will understand what was said. At least that is how it has happened in my case. Took me a while to realize they weren't gossiping about me - they just didn't realize it was rude or just felt comfortable around me to be themselves.

 

[WheezyBaby]

That's douchey

 

[berenstein]

They are just being nice saying you have 3 years to learn their language cause they will teach you. I don't really know how they were being mean or what you interpreted as mean. They just like talking in their language which is not douchey but kind of weird, it prolly has to do with their culture and not understanding that its not appropriate to exclude you. I don't think its purposefully mean just more ignorance.

Agreed. You'd prolly pick up a bit of their language one way or another. They might even have fun teaching you dirty words in their language

It's just a psychological/cultural thing where if we mulitlinguals are together in a small group, and majority of those in the group speak our native tongue, then we will speak in our native tongue. Usually we don't exclude people intentionally. Though I don't know your exact context so I can't really say if they were being malicious intentionally. *If* they were, then find better friends

 

[YellowTurtle]

Sounds catty. People in med school are not any more mature than before. If anything med school feels more like high school sometimes than undergrad. Can feel like you're regressing with the cliques and betches

 

[Gibbward]

Personally, I get super excited when I meet someone who speaks my native language since I rarely use it now, so I would talk to them in my language. I don't think anyone's trying to be intentionally mean to you or are trying to push you out in any way. They probably just feel at ease talking in their native language. And if you feel left out, just tell them. If y'all really are friends, they'll understand. And yknow, it can't hurt to learn another language too! It could be a great way to bond with them.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Yeah, I'd buy the "they're not being intentionally mean" response, except for the fact they told you that you "have to learn" that language too, instead of apologizing. They put the onus and blame on you, when it should be on them for being inconsiderate. And then, when you tried to be nice and asked them to teach you, they turned around and said your accent won't work. They sound like catty b***es. Last I checked, you are in medical school, not a foreign country or a language program, and you have zero obligation to learn their language. They, on the other hand, should learn some manners, which, despite being in the US for a decade, they clearly have not. I am also bilingual, and to intentionally speak in a group setting where not everyone understands you is incredibly rude.

 

[IslandStyle808]

I've been in situations like this in the past and trust me they are NOT being considerate of you at all. If you all of know English, they should try to include you by speaking English. Unless one of them is extremely uncomfortable speaking English, then I don't see why they cannot speak English when they are with you. When they said you should learn their language and they don't want to teach you, pretty much said volumes of how considerate they were.

 

[berenstein]

Right, need more context:

Did they say it like "...you need to learn our language too but your accent won't work *giggle*" then they're teasing you

If they said it like "...you need to learn our language too but your accent won't work *scoff*" then yeah, douchey

Quick question- European, Asian, Latin American, Arab, Indian, or Russian? Different cultures have different ways of expressing themselves (though the only one I'd actually be able to help you with would be Asian feel free to PM me if the people in question are Asian )

 

[mw18]

I disagree I think you are being too sensitive. They are just being nice saying you have 3 years to learn their language cause they will teach you. I don't really know how they were being mean or what you interpreted as mean. They just like talking in their language which is not douchey but kind of weird, it prolly has to do with their culture and not understanding that its not appropriate to exclude you. I don't think its purposefully mean just more ignorance.

This. I don't think the intent is malicious. I think it is most likely cultural. You will pick up a bit of the language whether you like it or not if you remain friends with them, and it will actually get to a point where they speak to you in the language, and you may not be able to respond in it but you will understand what was said. At least that is how it has happened in my case. Took me a while to realize they weren't gossiping about me - they just didn't realize it was rude or just felt comfortable around me to be themselves.

So it is cultural to establish a friendship in a certain language, continue that behavior for 8 months, and then decide to only speak a different language and then tell a friend that they have to learn it? I would say that seems like an odd culture, but I don't want to be culturally insensitive.

This seems like Med School Mean Girls. Maybe you forgot to wear pink on a Wednesday, OP...

 

[CharlieBillings]

From the OPs post I would say this is a terrible way to treat a friend. I would have just walked away after that exchange.

I have actually been in a situation were two of my friends first languages were Spanish. They would occasionally make a joke or use a Spanish phrase, or simply exchange something in Spanish because it was easier. They never cut me out of a conversation or did anything like the OP is saying. It sounds like they aren't interesting in having you around at that particular moment. I mean if they were why would they alienate you from the conversation?

 

[muhali3]

These people seem pretty immature to expect you to learn a language that is not your own just so you can participate in conversations with them. Doesn't seem like these people will be making too many friends in medical school. I suggest you try fostering some other connections in the class.

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

I'm not surprised by all these hypermulticulturalist responses, but your friends are obviously being catty. Especially if the language isn't dominant (not Spanish, mandarin) they are well aware of social norms in the U.S. And know you don't have the time to learn a new language in 3 years, while they are more than capable of continuing fluent English (if they've been in higher Ed for this long, they probably know English better than most Americans). I would get more sincere and mature friends.

 

[berenstein]

I'm not surprised by all these hypermulticulturalist responses, but your friends are obviously being catty. Especially if the language isn't dominant (not Spanish, mandarin) they are well aware of social norms in the U.S. And know you don't have the time to learn a new language in 3 years, while they are more than capable of continuing fluent English (if they've been in higher Ed for this long, they probably know English better than most Americans). I would get more sincere and mature friends.

We're just offering perspectives based on our personal experiences... We just lapse into our native tongue if it's easier or more comfortable (like small group settings)。It's not intended to exclude anyone! Though in OP's case, if the people in question were doing it intentionally, then yeah it's a dickmove on their parts

 

[muhali3]

The fact is that it's possible to make someone feel excluded without intending to do so. Once you realize that's how you are making them feel, and then continue to do it, then there is no longer a valid excuse. It's not reasonable to expect someone to learn a language during med school. The path of least resistance/effort is them just speaking English since they already know it.

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

I don't see how this isn't excluding with intent. Sounds like they went to high school and Ivy League in the U.S. and after 8 months of knowing OP switched on a different language whenever OP is present, then told OP tough luck learn our obscure language I you want to be our friend, sounds pretty intentional.

 

[NotYou20]

It's more comfortable to speak your native language no matter how good you are in your second. I get that. But speaking the common language of whatever group your in at that time is pretty basic etiquette.
It sounds intentional, but it's hard to be sure over the internet.
Op, if your interested in learning some of their language, take their help but ask that they speak English the rest of the time. If they still keep slipping back, take the hint and hang out with other friends. If you don't really want to learn their language but they expect you to, gtfo.

 

[berenstein]

I don't see how this can't be excluding with intent. Sounds like they went to high school and Ivy League in the U.S. and after 8 months of knowing OP switched on a different language whenever OP is present, sounds pretty intentional.

Hmm true... I guess I was just too optimistic based on my own experiences (whoops

)


Best thing, OP, would be to ask them directly so you guys can resolve this!

 

[muhali3]

Yes, it does seem intentional, but my argument is that even if it isn't, they know how it's making you feel either way, and seem not to care.

 

[GonefromTX]

Try to make new friends. And don't stress over it, remember your main goal here is to earn your MD and get outta here.

 

[Dr_Grabow]

That's petty

 

[Goro]

Believe it or not, there are cultures that don't conform to American norms, even if members of said cultures are in this country for a long time. Your friends may or may not have thought what they were doing was rude. But if your comments are verbatim, the whiff of cattiness on her part is enough even to make my avatar gag.

Hey guys!

I'm a first year medical student and school is overall fine but as the year is progressing, the horrible personalities of people are coming out in my class and I am having a very hard time believing that such a smart group of people can be so outright dumb or malicious. Please hear my story and let me know if I am thinking wrong!

So I have two friends who are from the same country, came to USA a decade ago, and currently first year medical students. When it is just us three, the two of them have started to speak in their home language and just exclude me out of the conversation even though i'm just standing there and its just us three. I mean i'm totally excited about speaking multiple languages but only if everyone feels included and can understand. I've noticed that this has only started to happen this month and never happened previously. So, today one of them turns around and looks at me, because I just let them talk and walked behind and she says whats wrong, why are you upset. I wasn't upset and was on the phone casually walking so I don't even know how she could know how I looked considering i was behind her. So I just told her I was just giving them space to talk since I cannot understand their language and didn't wanna disturb. So then she's like well you should know this language too and you will have to learn because we have three more years left. I'm like okay teach me and they are like wait the accent won't work. they are like just ask for a translation. I don't know why I would need to know their language since I am not from their country and I know my own country's language and English obviously. They speak English very well and have been living in america for over a decade and gone to ivy league schools.

What should I do? I can't help but feel like this is being done on purpose to get me to fight or push by buttons. Why would someone who spoke english for an entire 8 months suddlenly speak a language thats different and only in front of me. I know they are not talking about me. But its just not nice to leave a friend out who cannot understand.

 

[hello1234!]

Why not talk to them about why they do it? Why not tell them how it makes you feel? Communication can really help.

 

[GonefromTX]

Why not talk to them about why they do it? Why not tell them how it makes you feel? Communication can really help.

Nothing good ever comes out of talking it over lol. Asking if your friends are ignoring you only makes them think that you're even more clingy. Just play it cool and talk to other people.

 

[managedcarefin]

Your "friends" are idiots and you should find new friends. That isn't how real life works, if people are friends with you they'll want to include you. Saying "you have 3 years to learn" is silly.

 

[gapyearguppy]

Trust your gut. You felt so uncomfortable about it that you had to make a post about it to strangers on the internet - you already know the answer to your question.

Outside of education, medical school has taught me that it's okay to stand alone sometimes. I would drop anyone who adds anxiety or who doesn't enrich your medical school experience. This life is already hard enough. You'll find people who will make it easier.

 

[mistafab]

It is inconsiderate. Yes, it is intentional. Yeah, you might learn it - but yes, it is rude. Unless both are actively teaching you the language, then their talking without considering you is rude and they know it.

I am bilingual and understand this topic. Everyone who speaks at least two languages is.

 

[Nietzsche's Barber]

Who voluntarily talks to or becomes friends with their classmates? Make friends with people outside of medicine.

 

[SunsFun]

A lot of my good friends are exactly like that and would speak in their own language despite not everyone in the room knowing it.

Doesn't bother me a bit. As a matter of fact I get more annoyed by American people who have the incessant need to be a part of every conversation. Most of what people talk about is usually some random BS anyway no matter the language.


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[Pierre Escargot]

As someone who speaks a second language, I use that language with my friends/family (who also speak that language) around strangers whom I'd rather not have understand my conversation. Key word: strangers. Not friends.

As such I would say your friends are a couple of pricks and should be notified of their asshattery at your nearest convenience

 

[Stagg737]

Nothing good ever comes out of talking it over lol. Asking if your friends are ignoring you only makes them think that you're even more clingy. Just play it cool and talk to other people.

Disagree, if you can't talk to friends about stuff that makes you uncomfortable, then they're not actual friends. Just "friends". It sounds like OP's situation involves "friends", in which case I'd just stop hanging out with them and find people that might treat her like a real friend and not a placeholder.

A lot of my good friends are exactly like that and would speak in their own language despite not everyone in the room knowing it.

Doesn't bother me a bit. As a matter of fact I get more annoyed by American people who have the incessant need to be a part of every conversation. Most of what people talk about is usually some random BS anyway no matter the language.

There's a difference between 2 people having their own conversation when they're in a bigger group and two people deliberately excluding another person when it's just the 3 of them and basically making ultimatums for the friendship (learn our language if you want to be our friend). The level of entitlement the two individuals in OP's situation are displaying is laughable, and I really don't get how people the expectations OP described her "friends" having as being appropriate...

 

[SunsFun]

Disagree, if you can't talk to friends about stuff that makes you uncomfortable, then they're not actual friends. Just "friends". It sounds like OP's situation involves "friends", in which case I'd just stop hanging out with them and find people that might treat her like a real friend and not a placeholder.



There's a difference between 2 people having their own conversation when they're in a bigger group and two people deliberately excluding another person when it's just the 3 of them and basically making ultimatums for the friendship (learn our language if you want to be our friend). The level of entitlement the two individuals in OP's situation are displaying is laughable, and I really don't get how people the expectations OP described her "friends" having as being appropriate...

It's just as likely that they didn't take her feeling into consideration when choosing a language as the deliberate exclusion. It also sounds like they just were making innocuous comment about her learning their language rather than giving ultimatums.

I don't know why everyone interpreting this one interaction as something more than just people saying random stuff in the most convenient way without really having any ulterior motives.

The story itself sounds like someone creating more drama and generalizations. That's a bigger problem about medical school, IMO.


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[JJRousseau]

Hey guys!

I'm a first year medical student and school is overall fine but as the year is progressing, the horrible personalities of people are coming out in my class and I am having a very hard time believing that such a smart group of people can be so outright dumb or malicious. Please hear my story and let me know if I am thinking wrong!

So I have two friends who are from the same country, came to USA a decade ago, and currently first year medical students. When it is just us three, the two of them have started to speak in their home language and just exclude me out of the conversation even though i'm just standing there and its just us three. I mean i'm totally excited about speaking multiple languages but only if everyone feels included and can understand. I've noticed that this has only started to happen this month and never happened previously. So, today one of them turns around and looks at me, because I just let them talk and walked behind and she says whats wrong, why are you upset. I wasn't upset and was on the phone casually walking so I don't even know how she could know how I looked considering i was behind her. So I just told her I was just giving them space to talk since I cannot understand their language and didn't wanna disturb. So then she's like well you should know this language too and you will have to learn because we have three more years left. I'm like okay teach me and they are like wait the accent won't work. they are like just ask for a translation. I don't know why I would need to know their language since I am not from their country and I know my own country's language and English obviously. They speak English very well and have been living in america for over a decade and gone to ivy league schools.

What should I do? I can't help but feel like this is being done on purpose to get me to fight or push by buttons. Why would someone who spoke english for an entire 8 months suddlenly speak a language thats different and only in front of me. I know they are not talking about me. But its just not nice to leave a friend out who cannot understand.

Let me guess, are they French?

 

[Stagg737]

It's just as likely that they didn't take her feeling into consideration when choosing a language as the deliberate exclusion. It also sounds like they just were making innocuous comment about her learning their language rather than giving ultimatums.

I don't know why everyone interpreting this one interaction as something more than just people saying random stuff in the most convenient way without really having any ulterior motives.

The story itself sounds like someone creating more drama and generalizations. That's a bigger problem about medical school, IMO.

[

I think most of us are just going off of what the OP stated, but I'd guess that the bolded is just as likely.

 

[DetectiveAlonzo]

Dump 'em. Ur "friends" suck. lolz