Breaking up in Medical School

[ac2012]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years. He is going to start medical school in the fall and I hope to get in the fall of 2014. His medical school is less than two hours away from our home but I'm starting to get worried. Even though we have always gone to different schools and are used to not seeing each other I worry that medical school will change everything.

He has been telling me that we aren't going to talk much while he is in school (30 minutes at night before bed). Since I want to go into medicine myself I realize that medical school is very time consuming but I feel that like he's making it seem even worse than it really is. His school day is from 8-12 which leaves him the whole day to stay on top of his studies. Do you think he's being realistic about the time requirements of medical school or he just doesn't care about our relationship anymore?

Also, for those of you in relationships how were you able to maintain a healthy relationship without talking much?

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[SpecterGT260]

be forewarned, the vast majority of relationships (even many marriages) do not survive med school.

IMO (and many may not agree) you will only survive it if you stay focused on what you need to do. If you need constant input into the relationship things wont work. My GF and I have a "date night" once a week and otherwise see each other just at night when I am done studying. That is about all I can afford.

 

[FunnyCurrent]

Sounds like the op wants advice that is actionable. Here I'll start:

1. He might stay with you if you let him try anal.

note: I broke up with my gf 2.5 months into my first year.

 

[carddoc33]

People love overestimating the amount of time they put into school. If he can only fit in talking to you 30 minutes each night, he's either a ***** or has a sidepiece. Don't break up for the sole reason of you both going into medicine. Medicine does't cause problems in relationships in my opinion, it will only expose them.

 

[mimelim]

be forewarned, the vast majority of relationships (even many marriages) do not survive med school.

IMO (and many may not agree) you will only survive it if you stay focused on what you need to do. If you need constant input into the relationship things wont work. My GF and I have a "date night" once a week and otherwise see each other just at night when I am done studying. That is about all I can afford.

The first part of your post is simply not true. "Vast majority"? This is not Duke General Surgery. This is medical school. I can think of 2 breakups and I stopped counting at 25 for classmates who came into medical school in a relationship and left in a relationship with that same person. Both breakups were long distance relationships from undergrad, but I know a handful of people that did long term relationships for significant parts of medical school, myself included (2 years, ~250 miles apart).

The second part of your post (the part you thought many may not agree with) is pretty solid advice. Medical school is all about time management. If you have the skills, it is not hard to find a reasonable amount of time and energy to dedicate to a relationship. Bear in mind that a certain fraction of relationships depend on more time than medical school will allow and things will spiral downwards pretty quick. But medical school is not all doom and gloom .

 

[nysw]

He's bracing himself for the worst. If he didn't care, he would just break up with you.
Enjoy the summer you have together - worrying about it isn't going to help you very much. Neither of you truly know how medical school is going to change things.

When you communicate, make it count. Trust each other. Don't be codependent.

 

[flodhi1]

He will only have 30 minutes to talk to you at night time? I think he might be taking medical school a little too extreme. I attend class 8 AM - 12 PM, 1-3 PM I usually have FCM, ethical or cultural competency class. I take a nap and then study 5- 9 PM and usually talk to my gf from 9 PM - 11 PM sometimes even till midnight. I think it's all about balancing your life. I've been in a long distance relationship 3000 miles away for the past 3-4 months and it's going fine. This is my first month of medical school but I've already been able to attain a balance.

 

[MilkmanAl]

People love overestimating the amount of time they put into school.

True, but I also think it's true that most people flounder at least a little when transitioning to med school studying. Yes, the OP's man only has 4 hours of class per day, but when you're trying to piece everything from the day together without a solid strategy, it can take a long time. If I went back now, I could blow through first year with an absolute max of 2 hours of studying per day without going to class and probably get much better grades. Back then, though, it was a challenge just to stay on top of everything because I didn't know what I was doing. In other words, it's likely going to be really hard for both of you at the start but will probably get substantially better as the year progresses. If he gets his **** together quickly and adopts a no-class policy, things may not even have to change much for you two. I probably spent more time in Nashville with my girlfriend at the time than I did in Little Rock during the first semester of M2, for example. I'd just head back to Arkansas whenever test time rolled around.

Medicine does't cause problems in relationships in my opinion, it will only expose them.

That's a popular phrase around here, but I don't buy it. I mean, I guess it's true that existing problems get magnified, but separation (spatially or functionally) is most certainly, in itself, a relationship problem. You'll both have to make time for each other, and that's going to mean a lot of 2-hour road trips, most likely.

The first part of your post is simply not true. "Vast majority"? This is not Duke General Surgery. This is medical school. I can think of 2 breakups and I stopped counting at 25 for classmates who came into medical school in a relationship and left in a relationship with that same person.

I don't know that I'd say that med school kills the vast majority of relationships, but it definitely does in a majority of them. While we're throwing anecdotes around, I know probably around a dozen people who entered and left med school in a relationship with the same person but quite a few more than that who broke up, including at least 3 engagements and 2 marriages. In fairness, there were quite a few people who started relationships during med school that are still going strong. Like I said before, I think that's largely a product of the transition phase at the beginning where everything takes you 4 times longer than it should.

 

[DocHawk117]

I think if you guys are compatible, understanding, and supportive you will make it through just about anything, like most long-lasting relationships. Everyone has their own schedule ins med school and it might take awhile to find out what works. Some people may only be able to talk a few minutes a night, but if you are close to each other, you can probably still see each other every weekend ( I personally refused to study on a weekend). med school should NOT take over your life. It should be a high priority, but it is equally important to make people and fun a priority too. The people who forget to enjoy life end up getting burned out and being miserable.

 

[ac2012]

He is a very sweet guy but very disciplined when it comes to school. His goal is to match into ortho which is why he thinks he won't have much time to talk.

I think the best thing would be to make myself busy so I don't realize his absence as much. I'm already working at NIH full time, studying for the MCAT, and volunteering. You would think I would already be so busy that this wouldn't bother me.

 

[startswithb]

Weekend trips to visit a significant other (and then spend a significant amount of time with them) can be a huge drain on some people's studies. Some of those people will do below average or even have to remediate. Some people are superstars regardless, but I would not have done nearly as well if I took more than one weekend off a month.

 

[DocHawk117]

Just gonna have to wait and see. We are all disciplined or we wouldn't make it to med school, or at least past first year. If he is so "disciplined" that it makes him a crappy boyfriend, better off cutting your losses bc it will just get worse. Plenty of ppl can be successful doctors, even in ortho, and still maintain balance and healthy relationships. At the same time, there are a lot of self-centered folk out there.

 

[armybound]

he's already making his intentions known. as good as over

 

[carddoc33]

True, but I also think it's true that most people flounder at least a little when transitioning to med school studying. Yes, the OP's man only has 4 hours of class per day, but when you're trying to piece everything from the day together without a solid strategy, it can take a long time. If I went back now, I could blow through first year with an absolute max of 2 hours of studying per day without going to class and probably get much better grades. Back then, though, it was a challenge just to stay on top of everything because I didn't know what I was doing. In other words, it's likely going to be really hard for both of you at the start but will probably get substantially better as the year progresses. If he gets his **** together quickly and adopts a no-class policy, things may not even have to change much for you two. I probably spent more time in Nashville with my girlfriend at the time than I did in Little Rock during the first semester of M2, for example. I'd just head back to Arkansas whenever test time rolled around.

That's a popular phrase around here, but I don't buy it. I mean, I guess it's true that existing problems get magnified, but separation (spatially or functionally) is most certainly, in itself, a relationship problem. You'll both have to make time for each other, and that's going to mean a lot of 2-hour road trips, most likely.

Did you honestly struggle finding 30 free minutes in the beginning of MS1? It can be a tough transition but 30 minutes?

And maybe, but I feel like if I was with the love of my life, medical school isn't enough of a stresser to end that.

I'm single, so obviously I'm an expert on relationships.

 

[gumbyj]

I don't know that I'd say that med school kills the vast majority of relationships, but it definitely does in a majority of them. While we're throwing anecdotes around, I know probably around a dozen people who entered and left med school in a relationship with the same person but quite a few more than that who broke up, including at least 3 engagements and 2 marriages. In fairness, there were quite a few people who started relationships during med school that are still going strong. Like I said before, I think that's largely a product of the transition phase at the beginning where everything takes you 4 times longer than it should.

Just out of curiosity why do you conjecture these engagements/marriages failed from a medical student perspective?

 

[SpecterGT260]

The first part of your post is simply not true. "Vast majority"? This is not Duke General Surgery. This is medical school. I can think of 2 breakups and I stopped counting at 25 for classmates who came into medical school in a relationship and left in a relationship with that same person. Both breakups were long distance relationships from undergrad, but I know a handful of people that did long term relationships for significant parts of medical school, myself included (2 years, ~250 miles apart).

The second part of your post (the part you thought many may not agree with) is pretty solid advice. Medical school is all about time management. If you have the skills, it is not hard to find a reasonable amount of time and energy to dedicate to a relationship. Bear in mind that a certain fraction of relationships depend on more time than medical school will allow and things will spiral downwards pretty quick. But medical school is not all doom and gloom .

you seriously think that most people who enter med school are with the same person when they graduate? ok I think the best way to make that happen is if your significant other is also in med school. Good luck if otherwise, cuz i doubt they will understand the time commitment.

 

[carddoc33]

Just out of curiosity why do you conjecture these engagements/marriages failed from a medical student perspective?

Because engagements/marriages fail with or without medical school.

 

[MKA55]

I'm about to start my second year of med school, and I've been in my relationship for 7 years now. We're about 2 hours away from each other. Believe me, if you balance things properly, get your work done efficiently, and make time for one another, you can make it work quite easily. Obviously I can't speak to the clinical years yet, but having seen many of my 3rd and 4th year friends in relationships navigate those years successfully, with relationship intact, I have confidence. Good luck, I hope you guys make it work!

 

[BHaus9]

Uh, why is 30 minutes a day on the phone not sufficient?

EDIT: ... assuming there will be occasional holiday / weekend visits

 

[von Matterhorn]

Uh, why is 30 minutes a day on the phone not sufficient?

EDIT: ... assuming there will be occasional holiday / weekend visits

Finally took the whole thread, but there it is. Don't smother the dude. My gf used to want to talk on the phone 1-2 hours EVERY NIGHT. You know, after you do that so much, you run out of things to talk about and then you start dreading calls. Keep them short, 30 minutes is more than enough time to tell each other about your day.. that along with seeing each other occasionally should be enough.

 

[DocHawk117]

Yeah, I was in a LTR during undergrad, which is obviously not as hard as med school. But even with an easier schedule, texting and a 5-20 min phone call/day was more than enough. The relationships that end are generally due to insecurities, clinginess (is that a word?), and high maintenance, and therefore probably would have ended eventually anyway.

 

[LondonBridge]

he's already making his intentions known. as good as over

 

[The Imprisoned]

yes. I've found this to be the key. If you're busy you won't notice when he doesn't have time to talk. If you aren't as busy...you're going to be bugging him all day long because you'll have nothing else to occupy yourself with.

Also keep in mind that all of his free time isn't going to be spent talking to you. He'll want to hang out with other people in his class or hit up a bar with some buddies on friday. There are actually some times (believe it or not) when i just want to play xbox instead of talking to my girlfriend. That's just the way the days go sometimes. In fact, 30 min a day talking to each other on the phone/skype actually sounds like a lot to me. You'll find out you won't have much to talk about when you aren't physically together because his days are going to go something like "i went to class, ate lunch, did some volunteer/standardized patient/elective stuff, studied, and ate dinner".

+1

 

[Girfaroo]

I know AIM is lame and all... but that's how I talk to my boyfriend most days. It means I don't have to set aside a specific chunk of time to talk on the phone, and I can multitask (study, eat, etc.) but still talk. No, it's not the ideal way to talk, but it means I get everything done, and we still talk on the phone/Skype on weekends and the odd evening where I have more time. We've been together going on 5 years, and more than half of that has been long distance. It can work out.

 

[PTPoeny]

It is scary to start medical school and he has no idea exactly what it is going to be like. It is a little bit unfair to say anything about him or your relationship when right now he is guessing what things are going to be like.

Having said that, a lot of couples do break up in medical school and a lot of young couples break up while not in medical school. I am now married to my husband that I started dating 8 months before I started medical school, our first 6 months were long distance, we've been living together since then. My friends that couldn't make any relationships work were the ones that couldn't ever stop thinking and obsessing about medical school. Other friends broke up because they were just with the wrong person, and other friends stayed in relationships because they were with the right person and didn't let medical school run their life.

Is your bf planning to only ever talk to you for 30 minutes? Or is he willing to guarantee you 30 minutes of dedicated time each night? These are very different propositions. Can you give him concrete examples of what you need from him? What does he say to that? How often are you guys going to see each other in person? Have you worked out how often each of you will do the driving? Have you been long distance? Or in the same place but just not seeing each other daily?

 

[deleted473350]

because engagements/marriages fail with or without medical school.

truth.

 

[soundnin]

His goal is to match into ortho which is why...

this made me chuckle

Sent from my LS670 using Tapatalk

 

[g8orlife]

Yes. I've found this to be the key. If you're busy you won't notice when he doesn't have time to talk. If you aren't as busy...you're going to be bugging him all day long because you'll have nothing else to occupy yourself with.

Also keep in mind that ALL of his free time isn't going to be spent talking to you. He'll want to hang out with other people in his class or hit up a bar with some buddies on friday. There are actually some times (believe it or not) when I just want to play xbox instead of talking to my girlfriend. That's just the way the days go sometimes. In fact, 30 min a day talking to each other on the phone/skype actually sounds like a lot to me. You'll find out you won't have much to talk about when you aren't physically together because his days are going to go something like "I went to class, ate lunch, did some volunteer/standardized patient/elective stuff, studied, and ate dinner".

+2

 

[DrRichand1]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years. He is going to start medical school in the fall and I hope to get in the fall of 2014. His medical school is less than two hours away from our home but I'm starting to get worried. Even though we have always gone to different schools and are used to not seeing each other I worry that medical school will change everything.

He has been telling me that we aren't going to talk much while he is in school (30 minutes at night before bed). Since I want to go into medicine myself I realize that medical school is very time consuming but I feel that like he's making it seem even worse than it really is. His school day is from 8-12 which leaves him the whole day to stay on top of his studies. Do you think he's being realistic about the time requirements of medical school or he just doesn't care about our relationship anymore?

Also, for those of you in relationships how were you able to maintain a healthy relationship without talking much?

Oh please me and my GF have been together for five years and weve been apart longer than weve been together. I've always been at one college while she's been at another, or during the summer I would have to take work far away and she's stuck in some rural town. It's not been easy but we made it work by keeping the lines of communication open and always being honest with each other. If you both want it to work it will. A little less phone time shouldn't be the breaking point of your relationship, if it is then you both have alot of growing up to do. I'm off to medical school as well and know its not gunna be that different then it's always been. best o luck.

 

[addo]

He only thinks he can only talk to you for 30 mins/day because he doesn't actually know the time requirements of med school. I used to think kinda the same thing before I started, but the day has 24 hours, about 6-7 to sleep and 4-6 to study, and especially after anatomy i would go stretches of weeks at a time when i wouldn't show up to school until it was time for exams or some clinical stuff. I would run off and spend a couple of days at the beach with her or do a bunch of other things, with little regard as to what day of the week it was. the limiting factor to go out and hang out with my girl actually became money . I had a lot of fun with her and she kept me leveled during the year, but we ended up breaking up about 2 months ago for reasons that had nothing to do with med school or time constraints, but would probably make for a good novel.

 

[Doctor Feelgood]

Figured this might be relevant

As with the other advice already given, it seems like he might just be "preparing for the worst."

 

[physicsnerd42]

At my med school I have known of dozens of weddings (including my own) and 0 divorces. Sure, there ate breakups, but it doesn't have to go that way. My wife and went to med school 5 hours apart and now she's a resident 2 hours away from me and will be for the next 2 years (I'm MD/PhD). If you're both very understanding and are willing to try you have a shot of making it work. If either one of you doesn't understand why you won't be able to see one another every weekend then it won't work.

I also think your bf is overestimating how time consuming the preclinical years are. The first part of year 1 will be hard and require adjust. He'll then get more efficient at studying.

 

[Junior22]

With the dawn of texting and other various messaging outlets, I find it hard to fathom how anyone could talk to the same person for 30 minutes on the phone...every day. After assuming you'll be texting all day long, what do you actually suppose you'd be talking about for those 30 minutes??


Anyways, I was in a three year long distance relationship in undergrad and while I truly enjoyed the time, I will never do that again. To me, it was just a giant hassle and always lead to resentment. BUT that's just my opinion. There are many others who have the exact opposite of opinions. You have to find out what's best for you...not him, but for you. If you want to stick it through, then you'll figure out what has to be done. Best o' luck.