Can I have a long distance relationship and travel every month?

[shinbeats]

My gf just moved to the West Coast and I'm over on the East coast. I really miss my gf and quite frankly cried at the airport. I was hoping to fly to the West coast to spend 4-5 days with her once a month. She was being a little over board and asked me to come twice a month (she would pay for one trip). My question is do you think this is realistic? I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

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[drizzt3117]

I was in a LDR for parts of my preclinical years; it's definitely doable during m1/2, but may not be during m3.

 

[shinbeats]

I was in a LDR for parts of my preclinical years; it's definitely doable during m1/2, but may not be during m3.

When you say doable do you mean a trip once a month or twice a month?

 

[235009]

My gf just moved to the West Coast and I'm over on the East coast. I really miss my gf and quite frankly cried at the airport. I was hoping to fly to the West coast to spend 4-5 days with her once a month. She was being a little over board and asked me to come twice a month (she would pay for one trip). My question is do you think this is realistic? I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

Whether it's possible to disappear for several days every month for the first 2 years of med school will depend on how much required classwork your school has. If you can basically skip lecture every day then it should be feasible but many schools will have at least one or two mandatory sessions per week. During third year it will be impossible because there is no way you'll be able to take several days off from clinical duties every month.

Whether it will hurt you academically will depend completely on your study skills/habits. If you are the type of person who can get quality study time in you should be able to pull it off. However if you aren't, as is the case with most students, and you have to make up for that with quantity then you might have a problem. It might also depend on whether you are disciplined enough to study when traveling.

 

[pkwraith]

Twice a month is really pushing it. Why are you the one who flies out? Take turns.

Academically, meh. Most schools podcast already, so you're not really missing out much.

It just gets super expensive. I have tons of points/miles from working, but I'm getting drained out flying every other month. You should probably look into a credit card with miles, and sign up for all the frequent flier accounts.

 

[shinbeats]

Twice a month is really pushing it. Why are you the one who flies out? Take turns.

Academically, meh. Most schools podcast already, so you're not really missing out much.

It just gets super expensive. I have tons of points/miles from working, but I'm getting drained out flying every other month. You should probably look into a credit card with miles, and sign up for all the frequent flier accounts.

Are those frequent flier cards actually decent? I thought you had to spend several thousands of dollars to get a free flight worth 200-300 bucks. She can come too sometimes.

 

[Ilovewater]

It's possible to probably visit once a month during M1/2 especially if your school has exams on Friday, and you get the post-exam weekend completely free. However, it may be difficult to leave for 4-5 days if your school has mandatory labs, small groups, case-based team learning, etc. Also, traveling that far once a month will get tiring quickly.... I know it's not the same, but you can substitute flying out with Skype if you can't visit often. At least you guys will get to "see" each other. If you guys get to see each other once a month, that's pretty good for a LDR. I was in a LDR for years, and we saw each other maybe 3 times a year.

Edit: Are you guys taking turns visiting each other? From your post, it seems like you're the only one traveling. If you take turns so that you only have to travel every other month, that would definitely work better.

 

[pkwraith]

Are those frequent flier cards actually decent? I thought you had to spend several thousands of dollars to get a free flight worth 200-300 bucks. She can come too sometimes.

If you're talking about credit cards, they're still free money. You need to pay your living expenses (and flights) somehow. Every $100 I spend, I get $2 for flights. That's about a free flight a year on most cost of living expense. If you have big expenses (aka, monthly flights), that's multiple free flights. I only wish I could pay tuition with my credit card.

There's a lot of online calculators to see if it makes sense with the annual fees. But, generally, when someone is buying flights every month, yeah, a reward card is obvious.


And if you're talking about the frequent flier airline accounts, they're free (and miles for a lot of airlines like Delta don't ever expire). So, it's even more free.


I can't stress enough. Do not fly out twice a months. I was a consultant, so I know travel. With combination of med school, you will burn out.

 

[GoSpursGo]

You guys really should alternate; I'm not sure how it's fair to expect someone to put in all the effort in traveling. Surely if she thinks she's important enough to expect you to drop everything to go see her, aren't you just as important?

Personally, I think having either one of you go twice a month is really pushing it; alternating seems more feasible.

 

[alysp13751]

My boyfriend goes to university in england and I go to uni in germany. Its hard and we dont see each other every month, only during breaks, spring break 2 weeks, summer 2 months, christmas 15 days. Im super busy and so is he, but theres no way we would pull off seeing each other 2 times a month because we know that when we are together we get no work done. Im ok with seeing him everyday on skype and looking forward when ill see him again, we are both super busy during the day, so that makes it easier

 

[ElleWoodsMD]

If she's willing to pay for one of the trips, why can't she visit you? I admittedly don't know squat about LDRs, but this seems kind of one-sided. It's my understanding that both partners have to work on the relationship to keep it going.

 

[PHD To MD]

When my wife (then girlfriend) was First year we saw each other once a month. Although we took turns flying to see each other. I would say 4 or 5 days is a lot, and you are litterally flying across the country. Unless you guys alternate, it is not realistic. Also, as everyone here has said you can't do that 3 year. More than once a month is also unrealistic. You are talking major bank buddy. My suggestion, you travel on 3day weekends and she comes to see you when she can (on non test weeks). Ldr are hard and the significant other doesn't always understand that you may have other priorities.

 

[Ilovewater]

I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

I'd like to add that you may not care about the costs now, but when you pay $300-400 every month, it adds up really quickly. Unless you have a lot of savings or a decent scholarship, that's a big chunk out of your monthly allowance.

 

[TemSirolimus]

My gf just moved to the West Coast and I'm over on the East coast. I really miss my gf and quite frankly cried at the airport. I was hoping to fly to the West coast to spend 4-5 days with her once a month. She was being a little over board and asked me to come twice a month (she would pay for one trip). My question is do you think this is realistic? I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

something's just not right about this relationship. Did she cry as well as she waved goodbye?

 

[crprep23]

My gf just moved to the West Coast and I'm over on the East coast. I really miss my gf and quite frankly cried at the airport. I was hoping to fly to the West coast to spend 4-5 days with her once a month. She was being a little over board and asked me to come twice a month (she would pay for one trip). My question is do you think this is realistic? I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

Not trying to be a downer, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Nobody here can predict whether you will have problems academically or not simply because they aren't you. But if it were me, I wouldn't do it. If the relationship doesn't work out, and you do have troubles academically, you may regret trying it. I'm generally more cautious though, and again, that's just my opinion.

If you do decide to do it, however, I would recommend waiting a couple months before you take a trip to feel out the difficulty of medical school. After that time, you will probably know whether you can do it or not.

 

[murfettie]

first year.. every month, but my boyfriend certainly flies now.
s.o has a flexible work schedule though.
last month, we spent so much time together (10 days) that i was a little suffocated...

another girl in my class, flies home twice a month..

i think we both decided that since this is a pass/fail school, our grades are okay as long as they are okay.
we are also in late 20's

 

[shinbeats]

I'd like to add that you may not care about the costs now, but when you pay $300-400 every month, it adds up really quickly. Unless you have a lot of savings or a decent scholarship, that's a big chunk out of your monthly allowance.

I have a pretty big scholarship from the school and my family helps me out every month too so as I stated before I could care less about the 400 every month or even 1000 for that matter.

something's just not right about this relationship. Did she cry as well as she waved goodbye?

I was not going to cry to be honest she was crying a lot and then I started tearing up any way I'm going to see her in 2 weeks so were both happy now

first year.. every month, but my boyfriend certainly flies now.
s.o has a flexible work schedule though.
last month, we spent so much time together (10 days) that i was a little suffocated...

another girl in my class, flies home twice a month..

i think we both decided that since this is a pass/fail school, our grades are okay as long as they are okay.
we are also in late 20's

My school is also Pass/Fail with honors but I would be glad just to pass. So I'm thinking 5 days a month is reasonable especially if I work really hard the rest of the 25 days.

 

[shinbeats]

If you're talking about credit cards, they're still free money. You need to pay your living expenses (and flights) somehow. Every $100 I spend, I get $2 for flights. That's about a free flight a year on most cost of living expense. If you have big expenses (aka, monthly flights), that's multiple free flights. I only wish I could pay tuition with my credit card.

There's a lot of online calculators to see if it makes sense with the annual fees. But, generally, when someone is buying flights every month, yeah, a reward card is obvious.


And if you're talking about the frequent flier airline accounts, they're free (and miles for a lot of airlines like Delta don't ever expire). So, it's even more free.


I can't stress enough. Do not fly out twice a months. I was a consultant, so I know travel. With combination of med school, you will burn out.

Thanks for all the info! I only plan on flying out there once a month for 5 days maybe even 4 days. Other than that I'm just going to skype, text and call her a lot. I don't think we need to see each other more than once a month especially with so many responsibilities and technology to help us through.

Not trying to be a downer, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Nobody here can predict whether you will have problems academically or not simply because they aren't you. But if it were me, I wouldn't do it. If the relationship doesn't work out, and you do have troubles academically, you may regret trying it. I'm generally more cautious though, and again, that's just my opinion.

If you do decide to do it, however, I would recommend waiting a couple months before you take a trip to feel out the difficulty of medical school. After that time, you will probably know whether you can do it or not.

She and I had many rough patches but I've already told her that I'm going to marry her I'm just waiting for my education to be finished. We have already been through so much that I just can't see this not working out quite frankly were both codependent (a term I absolutely hate to use but can't deny).

 

[Valadi]

Speaking from personal experience in long distance relationships, the first thing you need to do is establish a definite end-point to when it won't be long distance anymore. Otherwise failure quickly follows.

Also if you really want a LDR to work, you should put a ring on it. There's 0 reason to "wait until your education is finished" to propose. You can do that now and save the marriage for 4th year or whenever.

And then agree with what everyone else said.

 

[Longshanks]

The truthful advice to this question:
Just end it. No long term distance is worth the drama and time you're going to waste when you should be focusing on your new career path, especially when the sacrifices are so one sides (definitely if this isn't the girl you're marrying). Five days (aka a week of school) is a lot of time to be missing. People do it some times after an exam, and slack off, but even then they're still doing some work. Totally skipping a week of class, and if you're spending all your time with your SO, will really put you at a disadvantage and make the rest of your time at school miserable, when you should be spending that time studying, participating in ECs or finding a leadership role, and networking with your classmates and the community.

The sappy if you wanna try to make it work advice:
Alternate. You shouldn't be the only one travelling and making the sacrifices here, whether she's in school or not or working. Five days seems like way too much time, unless you want to be miserable for all the other weeks in the month. I would recommend a weekend trip, rather than a week. She should travel to visit you as well. The two of you need to learn how to live independently of one another. Spend time talking to each other on gchat/skype... make "date nights" if you want and share a dinner over that, little cute things, whatever you can do to maintain some intimacy and contact over the distance. The heart grows fonder from separation right? So give each other a little space, take up hobbies/focus on work, etc. Figure out what things you are worried about missing or are making you two anxious about the separation, and find methods to resolve those issues. There should be equal sacrifice, but you shouldn't be sacrificing your quality of medical education to make this work, she has to come meet you.

 

[Valadi]

The truthful advice to this question:
Just end it. No long term distance is worth the drama and time you're going to waste when you should be focusing on your new career path, especially when the sacrifices are so one sides (definitely if this isn't the girl you're marrying). Five days (aka a week of school) is a lot of time to be missing. People do it some times after an exam, and slack off, but even then they're still doing some work. Totally skipping a week of class, and if you're spending all your time with your SO, will really put you at a disadvantage and make the rest of your time at school miserable, when you should be spending that time studying, participating in ECs or finding a leadership role, and networking with your classmates and the community.

The sappy if you wanna try to make it work advice:
Alternate. You shouldn't be the only one travelling and making the sacrifices here, whether she's in school or not or working. Five days seems like way too much time, unless you want to be miserable for all the other weeks in the month. I would recommend a weekend trip, rather than a week. She should travel to visit you as well. The two of you need to learn how to live independently of one another. Spend time talking to each other on gchat/skype... make "date nights" if you want and share a dinner over that, little cute things, whatever you can do to maintain some intimacy and contact over the distance. The heart grows fonder from separation right? So give each other a little space, take up hobbies/focus on work, etc. Figure out what things you are worried about missing or are making you two anxious about the separation, and find methods to resolve those issues. There should be equal sacrifice, but you shouldn't be sacrificing your quality of medical education to make this work, she has to come meet you.

I don't know. I've seen east coast-west coast long distance relationships work in med school. They are the exception though and require a mature couple. Most cases they got engaged in the first year or before too.

 

[Rollo]

This is actually ideal situation. Fly out once a month, hang out with her. Then the rest of the time, go out and hit on bar flys and do whatever the hell you want.

Because you know, she's doing the same damn thing.

If not, then give it time...one of you will...

And what's with the crying? Seriously...

 

[Vancomycin12]

I do it. Been in LDR ever since started MS1. She is in NYC, I am down south. We see each other once a month-ish. Usually take turns visiting and stuff. She works and is VERY understanding of what I am going through so it isn't a big deal. Sucks to only spend only a wknd together every now and then but we make the most of it when we are together. So yes, it is Definitely possible. If we can do it, someone else can as well

 

[Dr McSexy]

My gf just moved to the West Coast and I'm over on the East coast. I really miss my gf and quite frankly cried at the airport. I was hoping to fly to the West coast to spend 4-5 days with her once a month. She was being a little over board and asked me to come twice a month (she would pay for one trip). My question is do you think this is realistic? I don't really care about adding up on student loans but my main concern was that do you think this would affect an average medical student academically?

Just gonna pop in here and say that I live less than 100 miles of my g/f (of many years) and we sometimes don't even see each other twice a month (weekends). Closer to test time (2 weeks), I don't have her come over and I don't go see her.

When we do, we usually alternate the trips.

For one, I can't imagine the costs of flying that many times. And twice a month seems much, unless your alternating. No way would it be fair for you make 2 trips in a month. Even if you compromised and made 1 trip a month, I think you should alternate still.

My 2 cents.

 

[gracie369]

something's just not right about this relationship. Did she cry as well as she waved goodbye?

This.

Dude, crying in front of your gf for any reason, especially at an airport is generally not helpful. If she didn’t cry when you did then that is not a good sign for a few reasons I won’t elaborate on.

 

[crprep23]

This.

Dude, crying in front of your gf for any reason, especially at an airport is generally not helpful. If she didn’t cry when you did then that is not a good sign for a few reasons I won’t elaborate on.

Who cares if he cried? He made the statement to convey his love for the girl, not to have somebody evaluate the current feelings she has for him. You aren't in the relationship, so I don't see the point in trying to delve into their feelings. If you don't think it will work, based on speculation or personal experience, say so. But comments like these don't help the OP.

 

[JP2740]

Who cares if he cried? He made the statement to convey his love for the girl, not to have somebody evaluate the current feelings she has for him. You aren't in the relationship, so I don't see the point in trying to delve into their feelings. If you don't think it will work, based on speculation or personal experience, say so. But comments like these don't help the OP.

It doesn't relate to his question exactly, BUT it absolutely does help the OP.

 

[JP2740]

My school is also Pass/Fail with honors but I would be glad just to pass. So I'm thinking 5 days a month is reasonable especially if I work really hard the rest of the 25 days.

Tell us a little more about your goals.

 

[crprep23]

It doesn't relate to his question exactly, BUT it absolutely does help the OP.

How so? He is not asking for relationship advice about her potential feelings (or lack thereof). He is asking if his plan to make it work is feasible.

Just my opinion. It's up to him whether he thinks it will help him or not. But judging by his comments in this thread, it seems he isn't even considering whether she has the same feelings or not.

 

[Law2Doc]

... So I'm thinking 5 days a month is reasonable especially if I work really hard the rest of the 25 days.

huge mistake assuming what's "reasonable". There will be folks in med school that can afford those 5 days off a month, and those that can't.
Let me play devils advocate here. many long distance relationships in med school fail because folks don't appreciate that it's not college anymore, and most people can't cram or coast their way through. The smart move would be to stay connected through phone, email and Skype, and see each other whenever time permits, even if it's every couple of months rather than a standing appointment. Bear in mind that you can't neglect med school, because a lot if these LTRs fail, and in two years when it does, you dont want to be relegated to noncompetitive career options because you didn't put in the time. Study like you are shooting for derm even if you aren't -- you will have lots of choices at the end. The relationship will either be strong enough to withstand the time apart or it won't, but at least you won't have mortgaged your career over it if it doesn't pan out.

 

[Kalyx]

huge mistake assuming what's "reasonable". There will be folks in med school that can afford those 5 days off a month, and those that can't.
Let me play devils advocate here. many long distance relationships in med school fail because folks don't appreciate that it's not college anymore, and most people can't cram or coast their way through. The smart move would be to stay connected through phone, email and Skype, and see each other whenever time permits, even if it's every couple of months rather than a standing appointment. Bear in mind that you can't neglect med school, because a lot if these LTRs fail, and in two years when it does, you dont want to be relegated to noncompetitive career options because you didn't put in the time. Study like you are shooting for derm even if you aren't -- you will have lots of choices at the end. The relationship will either be strong enough to withstand the time apart or it won't, but at least you won't have mortgaged your career over it if it doesn't pan out.

THIS.

And, keep in mind, if this is the right person for you, then she will support your decisions, uplift you and enable you to make harder and better in medical school. The wrong person for you will impede you.

 

[JP2740]

THIS.

And, keep in mind, if this is the right person for you, then she will support your decisions, uplift you and enable you to make harder and better in medical school. The wrong person for you will impede you.

agreed on all of this

 

[murfettie]

huge mistake assuming what's "reasonable". There will be folks in med school that can afford those 5 days off a month, and those that can't.
Let me play devils advocate here. many long distance relationships in med school fail because folks don't appreciate that it's not college anymore, and most people can't cram or coast their way through. The smart move would be to stay connected through phone, email and Skype, and see each other whenever time permits, even if it's every couple of months rather than a standing appointment. Bear in mind that you can't neglect med school, because a lot if these LTRs fail, and in two years when it does, you dont want to be relegated to noncompetitive career options because you didn't put in the time. Study like you are shooting for derm even if you aren't -- you will have lots of choices at the end. The relationship will either be strong enough to withstand the time apart or it won't, but at least you won't have mortgaged your career over it if it doesn't pan out.

jeez med school people..
what if you are married to a woman, your wife? does family come first or possibility of derm.

there was a guy who told me if your significant other is not contributing positively to your life for more than 2 weeks, they should be incised like cancer....
then i think, gee, most of the med students should be excised by their s.o like cancer with this attitude.

okay, i think this really depends on the what stage of the relationship it is in.
seriously, med school people and your "derm possiblity" attitude.. geh...

 

[Law2Doc]

jeez med school people..
what if you are married to a woman, your wife? does family come first or possibility of derm....

until you are married, you treat it like a relationship without permanence. Nobody committed to the other yet, no matter how much you like each other. So no, I don't think it's a good analogy.

If you are married, you hopefully discussed this before you embarked on medicine and both parties are going to do whatever possible to enable your success. This whole, trying to merely pass, while taking off five days a month notion is not a good game plan, period.