NorGwynCrab

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Sep 21, 2006
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I've got a dilemma, and it's wreaking havoc with my rank list. I applied into something super-competitive and it looks like I will be moving to a remote place with no friends or family if I intend to match. My significant other is unable to relocate for professional reasons and we're facing a long-distance relationship for the next four years. He has said that if I go, it's likely the end of our relationship. I tend to agree. I'm in my 30s, and the mere thought of re-entering the singles scene again makes me sick to my stomach - but I've also had a terrible experience with long-distance relationships.

I guess my main issue is that I simply don't want to move. Do I even have any options at this point? I'm so devastated - it feels like I'm choosing between my career and my relationship.
 

Gpan

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I've got a dilemma, and it's wreaking havoc with my rank list. I applied into something super-competitive and it looks like I will be moving to a remote place with no friends or family if I intend to match. My significant other is unable to relocate for professional reasons and we're facing a long-distance relationship for the next four years. He has said that if I go, it's likely the end of our relationship. I tend to agree. I'm in my 30s, and the mere thought of re-entering the singles scene again makes me sick to my stomach - but I've also had a terrible experience with long-distance relationships.

I guess my main issue is that I simply don't want to move. Do I even have any options at this point? I'm so devastated - it feels like I'm choosing between my career and my relationship.
nm
 

TriagePreMed

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It's not like you know if this guy is going to propose to you, so you could end up in the same place.
 
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I did not even go to some interviews because of the location. I only went where my spouse would move to. But, we have been married for a number of years.

If you really like this guy, why don't you propose a marriage and see what happens? Then you can base your rank list on whether he accepts or not. If you don't feel like proposing, that means, he ain't worth rejecting a residency offer. Don't worry about him and move on.
 
OP
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NorGwynCrab

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Sep 21, 2006
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We've been dating for 2.5 years. I did lay down the line - asked him to propose or move on, but he said he needs another year to think about things. So I'm going to try and do a prelim locally and do the advanced elsewhere.

Are ultimatums a bad idea? Several people told me to try this and it backfired.

Gpan - what do you mean by nm?
 
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We've been dating for 2.5 years. I did lay down the line - asked him to propose or move on, but he said he needs another year to think about things. So I'm going to try and do a prelim locally and do the advanced elsewhere.

Are ultimatums a bad idea? Several people told me to try this and it backfired.

Gpan - what do you mean by nm?
After 2.5 years, he needs to **** or get off the pot, especially since you guys are young professionals and should have at least a vague idea of what you want in life.

I don't think ultimatums are a bad idea when you hare forced to have them for major life-changing events. The problem comes when people start using them lightly. However, rather than an ultimatum, I think you guys need to have a very frank discussion about the relationship. If he's not ready for marriage now, there is no telling if he will be in a year. Ask him what exactly he thinks he will figure out if you stick around.

"Another year to think about things...." What things exactly? What magical thing is going to happen in the next year that will solidify his thinking, when it obviously did not happen in the 2+ years before that?

I dunno. If I dated a guy for 2.5 years and he was pulling the "I dunno, I need time, if you leave we're gonna break up, etc"....I personally would end it because I wouldn't want to waste my time waiting around for him to make up his mind.
 

Gpan

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We've been dating for 2.5 years. I did lay down the line - asked him to propose or move on, but he said he needs another year to think about things. So I'm going to try and do a prelim locally and do the advanced elsewhere.

Are ultimatums a bad idea? Several people told me to try this and it backfired.

Gpan - what do you mean by nm?
i thought u should have known by now. The idea of being single again has come to u sometimes when u guys are still dating. That to me seems like a sign that says "I want to look for someone else, maybe not now, but i will and want it".
Combine with the fact that he wants another year to think about it after 2.5 years together, u should think about another option. He's not serious. Think about what would happen if u force him to do what he truly does not want to do. Divorce rate in the U.S is already high enough. One less is better. I know this sounds harsh, but it is what it is :shrug:
 

J ROD

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IF he does not know after 2.5yrs and with you putting him on the spot he does not feel the pressure of being with you.

He is not going to marry you for the love you deserve.

I would take the residency and move on.

He is not worth more than your career.

My GF would ask me I would say yes, lets go.

Lucky for me, I am doing something very uncompetitive and I can do it close to home.
 

kgpremed11

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We've been dating for 2.5 years. I did lay down the line - asked him to propose or move on, but he said he needs another year to think about things. So I'm going to try and do a prelim locally and do the advanced elsewhere.

Are ultimatums a bad idea? Several people told me to try this and it backfired.

Gpan - what do you mean by nm?
2.5 years is not that long, I'd say 3-5 years to truly know someone. As for the ultimatum, I need all caps for this YOU CAN NOT FORCE A GUY TO MARRY YOU!. Men want sex, women want commitment, can a guy force a woman to have sex with him? No. A woman can not force a man to giver her commitment. If he doesn't want to marry you, leave him. What is his profession? I can't be as important as physician, just take the dude with you.
 
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2.5 years is not that long, I'd say 3-5 years to truly know someone. As for the ultimatum, I need all caps for this YOU CAN NOT FORCE A GUY TO MARRY YOU!. Men want sex, women want commitment, can a guy force a woman to have sex with him? No. A woman can not force a man to giver her commitment. If he doesn't want to marry you, leave him. What is his profession? I can't be as important as physician, just take the dude with you.
:rofl: I can assure you that most women want sex just as much men, if not more so. It is simply not socially acceptable for us to be so open about it, even in the bedroom. We are conditioned to outwardly seek "commitment" from partners because if we don't, we're seen as "sluts" :rolleyes: Actually, several studies have shows that recently, men want commitment just as much as, or in some cases even more so than, women (contrary to the stereotype that society perpetuates). One example: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/survey-shows-single-men-commit-women/story?id=12831296&page=1 Of course, there are guys who will boink anything - there are girls who will too. But such blanket statements, even if made for the purposes of argument, do nothing but bolster a false stereotype.

However, I agree with your sentiment. You simply cannot force feelings that aren't there. 2.5 years is definitely enough time to figure out if you at least want to get engaged.
 
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Carl Seitan

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We've been dating for 2.5 years. I did lay down the line - asked him to propose or move on, but he said he needs another year to think about things.So I'm going to try and do a prelim locally and do the advanced elsewhere.

Are ultimatums a bad idea? Several people told me to try this and it backfired.

Gpan - what do you mean by nm?
Don't make life decisions based on this guy. Why would you limit your options that could potentially change your entire career trajectory over some dude who isn't sure how committed he is to the relationship? You also can't force him to commit, so I just say sever.
 

Lollygag

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I agree that you should dump the guy. I know it's hard because you've invested so much time in the relationship but if he wants out and won't even consider a long distance relationship then it means he's not serious which = not worth your time. 2.5 years is MORE than enough time to know somebody assuming it was a serious relationship. This whole situation may actually be happening for a reason lol he should know what he wants by now.

Please let us know what happens though and what you decide!
 

90 diopter

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Jan 20, 2007
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I've got a dilemma, and it's wreaking havoc with my rank list. I applied into something super-competitive and it looks like I will be moving to a remote place with no friends or family if I intend to match. My significant other is unable to relocate for professional reasons and we're facing a long-distance relationship for the next four years. He has said that if I go, it's likely the end of our relationship. I tend to agree. I'm in my 30s, and the mere thought of re-entering the singles scene again makes me sick to my stomach - but I've also had a terrible experience with long-distance relationships.

I guess my main issue is that I simply don't want to move. Do I even have any options at this point? I'm so devastated - it feels like I'm choosing between my career and my relationship.
Career over relationship always. I would never trade the lifestyle and benefits I have now for any significant other if it meant I had to practice in a crappy specialty with long work hours. People are a dime a dozen; matching into a competitive, and presumably, one of the nicer specialties is an accomplishment that will serve you well for the rest of your life. Of course, if things like having a big family with a bunch of kids are important to you (they're not to me), then you may want to proceed differently.

So what did you end up doing?
 
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NorGwynCrab

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Sep 21, 2006
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Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful posts and advice. Here is the update on what happened:

I had several ultimatum-like discussions with my boyfriend, which went nowhere. He needed another year to make up his mind. I tried to end the relationship, but failed. The thing is, we have a very happy, healthy relationship outside of this whole commitment-phobia thing. He has a good job and relies on me for advice and support. We're a good support system for each other. We have no jealousy issues whatsoever and things are great when we're together. In the end, I was unable to completely walk away from that.

So I made my ROL with him in mind for the prelim year (ie. ranked places that were geographically desirable for him), but tried to prioritize my own interests for my advanced program. But I did it half-heartedly. I didn't communicate with any of the programs I ranked highly, which I think is important in a small, competitive field such as mine. There was one program on my list that was very geographically desirable for him (in the city where he lives/works now and wants to stay long-term), but I didn't feel like it was a good fit for me at all. For a long time, I had that program last on my ROL. The day before the list was due, I moved it up a few spots to #4.

Guess where I matched?

He was elated; I was just in shock. I'm moving across the country for my prelim year (also got my #4), and he's totally fine with that because in a year, we'll be together again. If he proposes between now and then, fine, I'll have a fiance to come back to. If not, I'm coming back single. He's had more than enough time to figure this out, and I like to think of myself as a pretty good catch - and deserving of someone who really wants to be with me.

Anyway. It's been a very emotional week. I'm still trying to sort through it all. It's funny how everyone is absolutely thrilled for me, and I do realize how fortunate I am to have matched, but deep down it feels all wrong. Hopefully I'll be able to make the best of it.
 

90 diopter

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Anyway. It's been a very emotional week. I'm still trying to sort through it all. It's funny how everyone is absolutely thrilled for me, and I do realize how fortunate I am to have matched, but deep down it feels all wrong. Hopefully I'll be able to make the best of it.
First off, congratulations on matching! The most stressful part is over, and it gets gradually better from here on out :clap:

Which part of it feels wrong; is it the program that you matched at that you're having concerns about?
 

VenusinFurs

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I'm not having relationshippy style concerns due to being forever alone, but I matched into a place I didn't think I was going to match into and wasn't really mentally prepared for, so in that respect I'm in a similar situation. I'd say, just be happy that you matched and don't worry so much about the dude. As long as everyone in the program isn't evil you should do fine.
 

rain4venus

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Mar 21, 2013
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First of all: congrats on matching! :thumbup: I'm sorry you didn't get one of your preferred spots, but, like you said, I'm sure that you can make the best of it.

I know the point is pretty much moot by now, but I wanted to add my 2 cents anyway because I figure I offer a different perspective from most people on here. I'm not very career-oriented myself (I'm the partner not the pre-med), so if I was in a relationship that was important to me, it would be easy to me to choose to prioritize that relationship over my career, especially if my SO had a more restrictive and lucrative career than I. A lot of people here are the opposite of me, saying things like "always career over relationships" which makes sense, because to be a successful doctor, you MUST prioritize your career very highly. Of course, to have a successful relationship, you must also prioritize your partner very highly, so there's the dilemma. A lot of people were suggesting you dump him because he doesn't want to get married now. I might be inclined to agree, but we clearly don't know the whole story and it's a lot easier to sit back and say those things online than to live them.

Here's what I noticed most about your post though:
"the mere thought of re-entering the singles scene again makes me sick to my stomach"
"I guess my main issue is that I simply don't want to move"

Nowhere do you say anything about wanting to be in *this* relationship, you just don't want to be single... It might not be helpful to the OP at this point, but I would suggest to anyone else facing this dilemma, that the advice of "always choose love!" or "always choose work!" doesn't really work for most people. Look at the specific work opportunity and the specific relationship opportunity, and try to imagine which one would be harder to live without.
 

abolt18

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Agreed. It really depends on the relationship. I'm going to medical school this summer. If I didn't have the full support of my wife, I'd be in a hard spot but I think I'd walk away from medicine for her. If I were just dating someone and I didn't know how serious it was or if there was even potential for marriage, I'd walk away from that in a heartbeat if it was keeping me from my career goals. All depends on how serious the relationship is in my opinion.
 

sam1999

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I think what I read is 18 to 24 months is good time to know where relationship is going. If he has NOT made up his mind then probably he will not. Only exception to this rule is if your significant other is a student. Resident can be considered student.

I have not read all responses and don't know your or significant other's profession.
 
OP
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NorGwynCrab

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Just wanted to thank everyone for your thoughtful posts.

I'm making my big cross-country move in two weeks (alone), so we'll see how that goes. We haven't discussed logistics - no plans for visits, which will be nearly impossible for me working six days a week. So it's kind of up to him. I've tried to talk about the details, but these conversations never go anywhere. Same with the "commitment" conversations.

So yeah, I'm terrified about moving across the country and living with a random person I don't know after a year of living with my boyfriend. Afraid of losing my relationship in the process, even though it may be time for a big test regardless. Afraid of moving back in a year and having to start all over again, ie. either completely single or in the same exact spot we are now (no commitment).

I know it sounds like my boyfriend is a total flake from these posts, but he's not. I just feel like the timing is off. I'm a little older, ready to settle down. He still likes the bar scene. That's the biggest issue between us, and as they say, timing is everything.

My plan is just to work hard intern year and try and make some close friends at my program. I hope I get through this!
 

GUH

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Just wanted to thank everyone for your thoughtful posts.

I'm making my big cross-country move in two weeks (alone), so we'll see how that goes. We haven't discussed logistics - no plans for visits, which will be nearly impossible for me working six days a week. So it's kind of up to him. I've tried to talk about the details, but these conversations never go anywhere. Same with the "commitment" conversations.

So yeah, I'm terrified about moving across the country and living with a random person I don't know after a year of living with my boyfriend. Afraid of losing my relationship in the process, even though it may be time for a big test regardless. Afraid of moving back in a year and having to start all over again, ie. either completely single or in the same exact spot we are now (no commitment).

I know it sounds like my boyfriend is a total flake from these posts, but he's not. I just feel like the timing is off. I'm a little older, ready to settle down. He still likes the bar scene. That's the biggest issue between us, and as they say, timing is everything.

My plan is just to work hard intern year and try and make some close friends at my program. I hope I get through this!
Maybe this isn't any consolation, but woman in her 30's with good career prospects should have no trouble attracting decent men, especially if she takes reasonably good care of her health.
Good luck out there!
 

Loptometriste

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Glad you are taking the move. If it doesn't work out with him, don't be sad. You did the right thing. If it works out, you got both! Either way, you'll never regret the "what could have been" in your career.
Best of luck!