Catchy Intro

[spillsomepaint]

I was wondering if I could get some opinions here. I've been working on my personal statement since September, and while I have all the points I want down, it's still not really personal. It's rather dry actually, as I am horrible when it comes to talking about myself.
Okay, getting to my point: I was wondering if it's a good thing to use a catchy idea in the first few sentences. Something like: Chloe knows how use a computer. Chloe knows how to get into any trash can. Chloe can drive my car. Chloe is my five pound chihuahua and she should be in Mensa. People say dogs emulate their owners. I am not that arrogant to think I am a genius, but I've followed an enlightening path to psychology.

I'm trying to add some of my personality to my statement. My twin sister thought this was a great idea, but I wanted to know what people in the field actually thought.
and BTW: I plan on ending the statement with something like : After I graduate with my Clinical PhD, I plan to test for Mensa. After receiving the honor, Chloe would officially be Mensa by proxy.

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[jdawgg]

I was wondering if I could get some opinions here. I've been working on my personal statement since September, and while I have all the points I want down, it's still not really personal. It's rather dry actually, as I am horrible when it comes to talking about myself.
Okay, getting to my point: I was wondering if it's a good thing to use a catchy idea in the first few sentences. Something like: Chloe knows how use a computer. Chloe knows how to get into any trash can. Chloe can drive my car. Chloe is my five pound chihuahua and she should be in Mensa. People say dogs emulate their owners. I am not that arrogant to think I am a genius, but I've followed an enlightening path to psychology.

I'm trying to add some of my personality to my statement. My twin sister thought this was a great idea, but I wanted to know what people in the field actually thought.
and BTW: I plan on ending the statement with something like : After I graduate with my Clinical PhD, I plan to test for Mensa. After receiving the honor, Chloe would officially be Mensa by proxy.

Everything I've read about this topic or heard from professors indicates to me that this would not be a good idea. Humor can so easily be misconstrued. Why take such a risk?

 

[spillsomepaint]

Everything I've read about this topic or heard from professors indicates to me that this would not be a good idea. Humor can so easily be misconstrued. Why take such a risk?

Wow, I feel like I've heard the exact opposite from people. I'm just so frustrated because I feel like I am getting conflicting opinions from so many people, both in and out of the field, with some people saying it's not personal enough, and the sense of my personality isn't coming across, and others saying it's fine. Do you think the things I am specifically saying could be misconstrued?

 

[jdawgg]

Wow, I feel like I've heard the exact opposite from people. I'm just so frustrated because I feel like I am getting conflicting opinions from so many people, both in and out of the field, with some people saying it's not personal enough, and the sense of my personality isn't coming across, and others saying it's fine. Do you think the things I am specifically saying could be misconstrued?

I guess my concern with what you've written is that I don't find it funny. Your sense of humor may match your reader, but it might not. You might want to consider starting with a personal anecdote or story. A personal accomplishment or a personal failure, or about a job or volunteer opportunity.
Personal without being sentimental or hokey.

 

[JockNerd]

I think there's a thread about this no more than a few weeks old.

Yeah, if you use a cute intro, don't use that one Sorry, it sounds super-cheesy to me. In order to pull that sort of thing off, you have to be an astoundingly skilled writer. Otherwise, it comes off pretty weird. You want to catch their attention in the first paragraph, but in a good way!

 

[razzled]

I understand the motivation behind wanting to use an intro like this and you're right, it will make you stand out. But, these things are formulaic and admissions committees are used to and depend on the formula. At first pass, you are going to be compared against hundreds of other applicants. While you do want to stand out, you also need to be extremely clear so that your statement is not tossed out for being difficult to comprehend.

Anyway, I'd say stick to the formula, as boring as it is, and use your experiences to make you stick out and reflect your personality.

 

[spillsomepaint]

i guess my biggest difficulty then is trying to figure out a story or something that isn't hokey to catch my readers attention. I had a professor who admits to my university read it and she said she really liked my intro so maybe it's more understood in the context of everything else i have written and my writing style. But if so many of you think it's crappy i might just cut it out.
sheesh this is the hardest piece of writing i've ever done.

 

[yikes]

yeah personal statements are tough! i think the hardest part is the conflicting information from all sources. i ended up just going with a fairly plain version. i'm hoping that since everyone's trying hard to have some catchy story, a straight forward description of what i want to do might be refreshing. at least that's what i'm telling myself...

 

[spillsomepaint]

Has anyone had any experience with those essay editing sites?

 

[BorntoRun]

yeah personal statements are tough! i think the hardest part is the conflicting information from all sources. i ended up just going with a fairly plain version. i'm hoping that since everyone's trying hard to have some catchy story, a straight forward description of what i want to do might be refreshing. at least that's what i'm telling myself...

I've done the same thing, largely sticking with a straightforward version. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to write creatively (as opposed to technically), so I would rather 'play it safe'. Might be foolish, as only the truly exceptional candidates are accepted, and the very-good-but-not-outstanding applicants are brushed aside, but I feel like for me, that's the best way to handle it.

 

[psychanon]

It is hard for us to judge, because we can't understand the intro out of context. Your dog can use a computer and drive a car?? Do you explain this later? Do you explain how it is relevant to your qualities as an applicant? It sounds kind of out of the blue-- it's as if you just wanted to have a cute intro, so you put it there. Perhaps it fits with the rest of your essay, but even so-- it goes on a little long, and it's a bit corny. People are going to wonder if you're obsessed with your chihuahua, and you want your first impression to be about your scientific inquisition, not your love of tiny furry creatures.

i guess my biggest difficulty then is trying to figure out a story or something that isn't hokey to catch my readers attention. I had a professor who admits to my university read it and she said she really liked my intro so maybe it's more understood in the context of everything else i have written and my writing style. But if so many of you think it's crappy i might just cut it out.
sheesh this is the hardest piece of writing i've ever done.

I can understand your issue-- it's a challenging aspect of writing-- but it's best to err on the side of caution. There are more subtle ways to hook your readers.

If you must catch your readers using stories about your dog, do it in a way that actually relates. Here's an example (just something stupid that I came up with off the top of my head-- but to give you an idea of what it means to intertwine the anecdote with the main statement of your story-- that you're an ideal grad student):


My chihuahua Cloe is obsessed with chasing her tail. She spins like a top, her bulging eyes intent, her small lungs puffing, but never has she caught her prize. Still, she adores the pursuit, and the unsatisfying conclusion does not deter her from trying again and again. I never understood her, until I did my honors thesis. Nine months, from conceptualization to IRB approval to data collection to analysis to writing...and in the end, p> .05. My hypothesis was not supported; the tail went uncaught. Still, I realized, even though the null hypothesis went unrejected, I adored every step of the process. Like Chloe, I found the chase exhilarating. I knew then that I wanted a career in psychological research...

I'm not saying that this is particularly good, but I think it illustrates my point-- you should use the anecdote as a mechanism for proving your point, not just as a cutesy thing to say.

 

[spillsomepaint]

It is hard for us to judge, because we can't understand the intro out of context. Your dog can use a computer and drive a car?? Do you explain this later? Do you explain how it is relevant to your qualities as an applicant? It sounds kind of out of the blue-- it's as if you just wanted to have a cute intro, so you put it there. Perhaps it fits with the rest of your essay, but even so-- it goes on a little long, and it's a bit corny. People are going to wonder if you're obsessed with your chihuahua, and you want your first impression to be about your scientific inquisition, not your love of tiny furry creatures.



I can understand your issue-- it's a challenging aspect of writing-- but it's best to err on the side of caution. There are more subtle ways to hook your readers.

If you must catch your readers using stories about your dog, do it in a way that actually relates. Here's an example (just something stupid that I came up with off the top of my head-- but to give you an idea of what it means to intertwine the anecdote with the main statement of your story-- that you're an ideal grad student):


My chihuahua Cloe is obsessed with chasing her tail. She spins like a top, her bulging eyes intent, her small lungs puffing, but never has she caught her prize. Still, she adores the pursuit, and the unsatisfying conclusion does not deter her from trying again and again. I never understood her, until I did my honors thesis. Nine months, from conceptualization to IRB approval to data collection to analysis to writing...and in the end, p> .05. My hypothesis was not supported; the tail went uncaught. Still, I realized, even though the null hypothesis went unrejected, I adored every step of the process. Like Chloe, I found the chase exhilarating. I knew then that I wanted a career in psychological research...

I'm not saying that this is particularly good, but I think it illustrates my point-- you should use the anecdote as a mechanism for proving your point, not just as a cutesy thing to say.

this is a great great point. seriously thank you!

 

[PharmaSynergy]

My chihuahua Cloe is obsessed with chasing her tail. She spins like a top, her bulging eyes intent, her small lungs puffing, but never has she caught her prize. Still, she adores the pursuit, and the unsatisfying conclusion does not deter her from trying again and again. I never understood her, until I did my honors thesis. Nine months, from conceptualization to IRB approval to data collection to analysis to writing...and in the end, p> .05. My hypothesis was not supported; the tail went uncaught. Still, I realized, even though the null hypothesis went unrejected, I adored every step of the process. Like Chloe, I found the chase exhilarating. I knew then that I wanted a career in psychological research...

I'm not saying that this is particularly good...

I don't think your example is good ... I think it's fantastic! I love the imagery, the action, and the clever references to biostats.

To the OP - I agree with what a few other posters said about the possibility of readers misunderstanding your statement, especially if they're not familiar with you and your writing style. Good luck with the fine tuning!

 

[ResearchGirlie]

It is hard for us to judge, because we can't understand the intro out of context. Your dog can use a computer and drive a car?? Do you explain this later? Do you explain how it is relevant to your qualities as an applicant? It sounds kind of out of the blue-- it's as if you just wanted to have a cute intro, so you put it there. Perhaps it fits with the rest of your essay, but even so-- it goes on a little long, and it's a bit corny. People are going to wonder if you're obsessed with your chihuahua, and you want your first impression to be about your scientific inquisition, not your love of tiny furry creatures.

This is fantastic advice! When you use a story or anecdote in the opening paragraph, I think it's really important to be as brief as possible and to relate it to the skills necessary for a successful grad student. Statements are so short that you can't waste precious space with unrelated info.

Please remember that professors are used to scientific writing, which is most often direct and to the point.

The intro is definitely the hardest part of the PS, but you're on track!

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

Brevity is definitely your friend. Think of it like an intellectual quip....quick and to the point. PS's tend to run long for the first few drafts, so the tighter you can make your language, the better. By tighter I mean clear and concise (most prefer that).

-t