Controlling Parents Have Left Me Stuck

[oilrig25]

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hey all,

ive been reading through the forums for about a year now, getting advice on what i need to do to get into medical school and all. However, ive gotten to the point where i myself need to post here to get some advice on what i need to do because i am in a situation where i just feel stuck.

i realize that these forums are not for seeking advice about personal issues that i guess people would see a mental health professional for, but because pre-medicine sort of intertwines with what i am dealing with, i guess i can have some justification for posting here.

i am 26 years old and i am south asian (i feel that taking note of my ethnic background would be of relevance here). ever since i was a kid, my parents have been dreaming of me becoming a doctor...not just an ordinary one, but a money-making one that could buy a mansion and cars and so on and so forth. growing up in my community of south asians that liked to shelter themselves from every other community (something i found problematic from a young age), my parents would always compare me to other bright kids within the community, kids who are now residents and their families are all-smiles and happy and they have houses with green grass outside of them and stuff. one of them is even a full-blown orthopaedic surgeon who is only 29 years old...did the whole accelerated pre-med thing. anyway, from a young age, i was always judged according to what these "gods" in my community have done.

when i finally got to undergrad, i was repulsed by the idea of pre-med, so i did what i wanted to do...i love literature and i love writing, so i decided to become an english major. i found solace in reading books about characters that i identified with, so my four year of being an english major were probably the happiest of my life. of course, my parents were having a fit. every night in the home, arguments, fights, debates..."youre going to be homeless as an english major...blah, blah, blah." my hope was that my parents would eventually come around and see how good of a writer i was, and they would eventually accept it (i am a good writer...please excuse my deficient writing in this post. i'm too stressed to follow proper prose at the moment).

then came graduation, probably one of the most devastating days of my life. my parents showed up only as a formality, and they didnt crack a single smile on that day. that crushed me...being surrounded by graduates who were being congratulated by friends and family and all i had were parents that were angry.

my parents just wouldnt give up on the whole pre-med thing. day after day after day, "youre not like so-and-so from our community, youre going to be homeless, you wont be able to provide for yourself, and so on." i couldnt take it anymore. about a year after doing an internship at a prominent library, i decided that i would do something generous for my parents. i would begin this seemingly noble path to medical school, so while working full time as a librarian, i dished out the money to take some pre-med classes. surprisingly, i did very well in them. i completed them all with a 3.7 gpa.

HOWEVER, throughout that period when i was taking pre-med classes, my parents werent assuaged ONE BIT! they kept saying i wasnt good enough to be a doctor, i was like...holy ***, im doing what you want me to do now! they didnt give a ****, all they did was belittle me and say that "people like me" (a rebellious south asian who went against the tide by studying the "ignoble" field of english) can never succeed at anything in life. at the end of each semester, i would get good grades...hoping to get their approval, but after each pre-med class, it was always the same reply: "yeah, well...we'll see how you do next class." nothing changed...the arguments continued, but this time, their problem was, "youre too late! other people your age are already beginning residency! you wont provide for us!"

even when i was done all my pre-med classes, the mantra was, "yeah, well...we'll see how you do on the MCAT." i took the MCAT back in june and voided the exam because i didnt feel too confident. despite doing very well in the classes, i was so browbeaten by the fact that my parents barely recognized what i did with the pre-med classes that i didnt feel like going on, and that affected my MCAT studying. even though medicine is not what i would prefer to do (i wouldnt mind it, seeing as how i get the opportunity to be a humanitarian and help people), it really sucks and depresses me to know that i forfeited my own dreams to try and fulfill the dreams of my parents...only to see them just as angry today as they were before i started the pre-med classes. i talked to them and asked them if i can get any credit, they said, "you dont mean anything until you actually get into medical school." great...

now im stuck, i had this elaborate plan to study for my MCAT one more time and i know i can rock more than a 35, but im so down and depressed. there is no encouragement for me to go any further. i thought my parents and i would finally get along as a result of this, but nothing...theyre not any happier today than they were before i started the pre-med classes. and i thought about going back to english, but my writing skills have drastically decreased as a result of not keeping up with my writing and reading ever since taking this pre-med detour. also, i want to move away from home into an apartment with some friends and my parents are like, "no way!" im 26 years old, about to be 27 in two months! i feel like im a teenager thats stuck!

i apologize for making this post longer than any i have personally read in the forums, but im hoping my pre-med colleagues out there on SDN could offer a metaphorical shoulder for me to lean on by giving me some advice on what i can do. i know i can focus on the goal of becoming a doctor, but im just so down right now. i feel like i have to finish the mission now since i invested a lot of time and money into the pre-med classes...but my parents...man.

 

[135892]

Dude, I'm not trying to be a total d**k here, but you're freakin 26 years old... move out and go live your own life

 

[DomFowler]

Don't worry about your parents, and stop seeking their approval. They will eventually come around, and when they do, I suggest you accept their apology. Don't worry about anything right now.

Do you want to be a doctor? If the answer is yes, then pick yourself up off the floor and get to work. Most of us on this forum have been through a great deal, and only those of us who don't give up will make it. Find out what motivates you, and use that motivation to rock the MCATS. Whether its your love for medicine, or anger towards your parents. It doesn't matter where the motivation stems from. Just use it and get to work!

feel free to PM me.

-Dom

EDIT: made a mistake...changed forgiveness to apology**

 

[MilkmanAl]

I'm not trying to be a total d**k here, but you're freakin 26 years old... move out and go live your own life

Do you want to be a doctor? If the answer is yes, then pick yourself up off the floor and get to work.

I'll second these and add that if you don't want to be a doctor, don't be. Why would you doom yourself to a life you'll hate and spend 7-9 or more years of absurdly hard work doing it?

They will eventually come around, and when they do, I suggest you accept their forgiveness.

Look, you, OP, are not the one who needs to be forgiven. It sounds to me like your parents have treated you terribly. Screw them. They're only holding you back and make you miserable. Get out of their control, do what you want to do with your life, and be happy. If they have a problem with that, tough. They aren't going to live your life for you, so there's no reason they should be dominating it so thoroughly. If anyone is going to be doing some forgiving in this scenario, it'll be you.

 

[CafeMed]

Sorry to hear about your situation. That definitely sucks. My father has always made me feel that I was never "good enough". No matter what I do, he's always like, "you could have done better". It used to really bother me and I'd put a lot of effort and time into trying to please him. But you know what? I no longer care and I'm living life to make myself happy. In the end, you're the one who is going to have to live with your decisions. Don't do things for your parents, do them for yourself. Once you stop worrying about what your parents think, life is going to be so much better.

 

[Narmerguy]

First things first, you need to establish what your priorities in life are. Is your #1 priority in life to please your parents or please yourself and if possible in a way that pleases your parents?

If you decide that your obligation in life is to please your parents, I recommend focusing on the MCAT and putting up with their comments. If their only problem with you is truly that you are not yet a physician yet, your admittance into Med School should change their tune a bit. If you need motivation be consoled by the fact that at the end once you're registered and ready to go to class for the first time your parents will happily be behind you.

If you decide your obligation is to please yourself, you should continue with your writings. Being content with being a physician will not likely be a legitimate reason to go through the process and that will probably affect your ability to handle some of the rigors you'll go through. Though your writing has started slipping, I trust that with your love of literature that you will find a way to muster enough effort to bring yourself back to your formal literary stature.

Either way, you need to leave that house. You're 26 and your parents should have no say in where you choose to exist so long as you're paying for it yourself. It's time to cut the umbilical cord here bud (see we're already using elementary anatomy in casual coversation...progress).

Honestly, I believe that at the end of the day you have to live your life so you shouldn't spend it trying to please people who apparently won't put forth the effort to support you achieve your goals be it what they want or not. I'd pack my bags, take a plane to your friends, read a book on the way, and start a life of actual personal fulfillment. But that's just me.

Best of luck no matter what happens. 👍

 

[Greonis]

You need to follow the path that makes you happiest. Money, prestige, even parental approval will mean nothing if you're following a route that does not please you.

Focus on doing what you love, and the rest will fall into place, even your family.

 

[Retsage]

Good God, you are 26. TWENTY-SIX! There is no reason your parents should be controlling your life at 26. Please, please, it is time to grow up. Move out already. What the hell are you waiting for? To be the 30-year-old who lives in his parents' basement? Christ.

It is high time you stopped worrying about proving yourself to your parents. Medicine is not a field for people who just want to show mommy and daddy how smart they are. You'll be miserable. Forget their approval and do what YOU want to. This is your life, not theirs. And move out.

 

[foodfood]

i know exaclty how south-asian parents can be, and i'm sure they mean well. i know moving out is probably not an option [if i was in your situation, i know my parents would be very hurt if i did] but have you ever really talked to them about medical school? my parents DIDN'T want me to go into medicine, but i worked hard throuhgout college and showed them that I could do it, and obvsiouly they're all for it now. if you can show them all the great stuff you can do with your english major, i'm sure they'll be more than happy. also, if you pursue medicine--how do you know that after finishing med school your parents will be satisfied? well, whatever you end up doing, goodluck!
and to all the other posters, being 26 isn't any different than being 15 when you're south-asian...

 

[jr doctor in sd]

I agree with the previous posts a ton. From what you wrote, it sounds like you ONLY took the pre-reqs and MCATs because of your parents. You did well in them - that's great; BUT becoming a doctor is NOT what you truly want to do - don't do it! Your career will be consuming your life ~40+hrs/week until you're 65. Do you really want to do something because of your parents' approval, even if you won't like it?


Want to be an English Professor? DO IT. Want to be a journalist? DO IT.

I am very sorry to hear about this situation. If it makes you feel better, my parents did the exact same to me. I told them I was thinking about being pre-med when I entered college and since then they went crazy saying OMG you didn't get all As, OMG your brother got in med school he had better grades, etc. For an entire year, their negativity did nothing but make me sick of it and less motivated to work hard. Nothing would have changed except a group of events that made me realize this is exactly what I want to do (a close patient/friend at the local cancer center I volunteered at died of lung cancer, which my grandmother also died of - she was the reason I started volunteering + a few other things all during the same time!). My parents had nothing to do with my decision.

And, as others have said, you ARE 26. If you want to move out, do it. I understand how very strict Asian parents can be, and I wish they realized that it hurts you more than helps you the more negative/demanding/controlling they are. Keep your head up 👍

 

[Lukkie]

those of you non-south asians here need to realize something - numerical age is completely irrelevant. whether you're 15 or 26 or 41, you're still just a goofy kid if you aren't established in your career, have a good house, are married (or at least it has been arranged, and the only holdup is Immigration clearing the wife's green card) with a couple kids, etc.

there is a lot more pressure than most of you realize. if he is anything other than a select few professions (OPs family is a little extreme in that only doctors are acceptable; most south asians also consider engineering as the alternative), he will essentially be disowned by the family. if he chose to pursue a PhD in biochemistry or something, he might be able to salvage a bit, but going after a liberal arts subject is a DEATH SENTENCE.

with that being said - screw your parents. this is america, follow your dream. just cause they're your family doesn't mean jack. get out and do your own thing.

 

[Retsage]

You southeast Asians defending him need to realize something as well, if you are in a bad situation, be independent and get out of it. Detach yourselves from the lifeline already. This excuse of "oh, you wouldn't understand" is nonsense. There are plenty of people who grow up with very tight-knit family relationships, but who understand that their parents don't own their lives. Hell, there are plenty of Asians who think this way as well. You are using his culture as a safety blanket, a way to rationalize stupid decisions. And these decisions he is making - not moving out at 26, doing whatever his parents tell him, letting them control his life - are very stupid.

 

[rigel]

I can't comment on the cultural issues involved here, which means maybe that i should stfu. at the risk of overstepping those boundaries i offer the following thoughts:

pursue what you love, which is obviously the written word. if you can somehow work in your apparent proficiency with science, then please do. we need more science-literate journalists, i think.

this is your life, not theirs. i understand that other cultures can be more focused on the success of the group than the individual, but you cannot subjugate entirely your desires and happiness in order to make others happy, no matter who those others happen to be.

being homeless is a pain in the a**, but if you're doing it because you're pursuing things that truly matter to you and make you happy, then you won't be homeless for long, and in the meantime you'll be pursuing what you love.

trust yourself. trust your instincts. learn from your mistakes. but be your own person. maybe that person winds up being a healer of some sort like a doctor. maybe not. but you owe it to yourself to find out who that person is.

good luck.

 

[Rapunzel]

You mentioned that you are South Asian. How much does that culture mean to you? If it comes down to choosing between the more Asian value on placing family priorities often ahead of individual wants or needs, vs. the more American idea that we are each in charge of our own lives, which feels more true to you? Knowing where you stand on that issue may help you to know what to do. Sometimes feeling down and depressed can be related to being stuck in a life dilemma and not knowing what to do. It might also be a sign that you are attempting to follow someone else's choices, and discarding what is important for you.

Since you like books, may I recommend one for you? "Who You Were Meant to Be" by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. (If I got that all right from memory). It might help you to understand your options and what you really want a little more clearly. Usually there are more options than you recognize, and there may be obstacles that look like they are blocking off some of your choices, but you can do something about it, and you can feel more in charge of your life.

Any choice that you make that is the best choice for you is a good choice. Whether that means appeasing your parents (who may or may not be appeased) or pursuing something that appeals to you more, it is up to you.

 

[foodfood]

You southeast Asians defending him need to realize something as well, if you are in a bad situation, be independent and get out of it. Detach yourselves from the lifeline already. This excuse of "oh, you wouldn't understand" is nonsense. There are plenty of people who grow up with very tight-knit family relationships, but who understand that their parents don't own their lives. Hell, there are plenty of Asians who think this way as well. You are using his culture as a safety blanket, a way to rationalize stupid decisions. And these decisions he is making - not moving out at 26, doing whatever his parents tell him, letting them control his life - are very stupid.

a. south asian and southeast asians are different things
b. i'm not defening him, i'm empathizing
c. culture is a huge part of a person's identity, don't call it a 'safety blanket' goddamn

 

[airplanes]

You southeast Asians defending him need to realize something as well, if you are in a bad situation, be independent and get out of it. Detach yourselves from the lifeline already. This excuse of "oh, you wouldn't understand" is nonsense. There are plenty of people who grow up with very tight-knit family relationships, but who understand that their parents don't own their lives. Hell, there are plenty of Asians who think this way as well. You are using his culture as a safety blanket, a way to rationalize stupid decisions. And these decisions he is making - not moving out at 26, doing whatever his parents tell him, letting them control his life - are very stupid.

1. By defend do you mean acknowledging the fact that his household obviously isn't the same as your average American household? No one said you wouldn't understand, just that the cultural aspect should be noted.

c. culture is a huge part of a person's identity, don't call it a 'safety blanket' goddamn

I second that...

 

[otterpop]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have one simple piece of advice: ask yourself what you want to be in life. Ask yourself what makes you happy. If it's medicine, do it. If it's writing, do it, even if your parents don't approve. Like most parents, I'm sure they will love you no matter what; if not, then that's something you must deal with as the child of immigrant parents.

And about being 26 years old... there's nothing to worry about here, many of us spend many years figuring out what's right for us.

I wish you the best.

 

[airplanes]

That sucks man. I'm Asian too, I totally understand where you're coming from (although my parents aren't as anal as yours..). It's like their never satisfied...I'm gonna echo what some other people said. It'll be tough to make it through medicine without the proper motivation. Take some time to figure out what you're passionate about and go with it. If you put everything into whatever field you pick, I suspect you're parents will eventually come around to your choice and even be proud of you someday. Asian parents are harda@#$# but they usually mean well. Oh and I would def. recommend moving out...regardless of what they say. It's time to get out and do your thing. If they love you, they shouldn't be mad about that for very long either.

Good luck

 

[cpants]

My friend, it sounds like your parents won't be satisfied no matter what you do. You are going down the path they want you to, and they are still disatisfied. When you get into medical school, it will be "you could have gotten into a better one." When you get into your neurosurg residency, it will be "that program isn't that prestigious." When you start practicing it will be "you don't make as much money as so and so." Realize that they will never be satisfied, and focus on satisfying yourself. Get to writing bud.

 

[medlover247]

My parents didn't want me to be a doctor when I told them that I might have to move away, but when they realized how much I want this, they started supporting me 100%.

I understand how Asian parents can be, but you need to do what makes you happy and follow your dreams. In the end its your life, don't do something you don't want, you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. Culture is important and family is important, but no matter what your parents shouldn't be treating you this way. This is the 21st, your parents need to realize that and start supporting your decisions.

Best of luck to you.

 

[zetandu]

Story of my life. But I guess everybody has to grow up a little. Spend a summer away from your family, clear your head and experience new things (rather than read about it). I've heard all of the Asian parent rantings as a kid and it pissed me off. So and so is smarter than you at this, so and so is more artistic and more musical... inevitably you'll come a point where you realize that they say those things to help you improve, to realize your potential. If it's really driving you crazy and sinking your self esteem, sit down with them and have a civilized talk. I think your parents will respect you that much more for doing it. I'm East Asian, but the concept of family first is the same. One of my friends lived with his parents till he was 28, but contrary to you his parents gave him a lot of positive reinforcement (he got into Med School at age 28, so cheer up!). I'm not a proponent of this sort of upbringing, I do admire Caucasians and their ability to leave home when they're 18, but I'm grateful... its really because of my parents where I am today. I don't know if medicine is right for you, but if you truly love to write, then to me there isn't any ambiguity with your situation. Do what you love and never ever give up until you get what you want.

 

[chessknt]

It seems the SE azns forgot they are living in THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA where we are not bound by honor to our families and other imposed cultural handicaps. It seems like the OP broke away and found out how much he enjoyed it, then made the mistake of falling back developmentally and is now suffering from a identity crisis.

Solution: move out and sever ties with selfish parents.

 

[calnation]

I don't want to offend you, but honestly your parents seem ignorant and borderline fascist. Do what you love and roll with it. It's life. Money isn't everything. Your parents should accept who you are. Did they give you birth only to put you through this kind of crude slavery? If you want to be a doctor do it for yourself. Nobody else.

As much as I can I avoid telling people how well I do and what I want to do in life. Even my parents. I absolutely hate hearing my parents telling people how well I'm doing. Not because I'm shy to tell, or especially reclusive, but because I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm not doing it for attention. I'm doing it for me.

There are many accomplished and well respected people in the English field. I ,however, have absolutely no interest in pursuing an intensive education in English. If I were to even try to get a phd in English, I would fail miserably. Not because I'm not smart enough (in general most people are smart enough to do whatever it is that they want), but because it is simply not my path. I wouldn't have the interest and drive to go through with it. I think the same kind of mantra applies to every field, including medicine. If you don't have an interest, why put yourself through the a decade of medical education. That's gotta be the shi*tiest pathway to take if you don't know what you wanna do with your life.

 

[schnauzr]

I'm just wondering, is it being a doctor itself or the huge salary that is important to your parents?
If it's the money thing, then why not just find a lucrative career in the field you're interested in?
Who says that you can't be filthy rich with a bachelor in English.
It'll take some time for sure, but with a right approach, I'm sure you can find something.

It seems to me that you don't want to break away from your parents.
That's fine because that's how you want to live your life,
but I hope you can find a better solution than compromising your passion.

 

[Nobuo]

I am Southeast Asian, and I went through (am still going through) a lot of what you're going through. My parents also wanted me to go into medicine, but when I got into college, I decided that I had to do things because I wanted to and not because anyone else wanted me to.

I went through a lot of soul searching in college, and I considered many careers, such as teaching, researching, or doing something like public health or Flying Doctors of Mercy. I eventually chose medicine because I volunteered at various places and found that it was for me.

My parents were pretty pleased (I guess?), but what they don't know is that I'm not interested in having my own practice, making tons of dough, having a mansion on my own private island and stuff. I'm going into medicine because I want to things like clinical research, teach in med school, and do Flying Doctors of Mercy (pretty much all the stuff I wanted to do when I was soul searching).

Anyway, my advice is you have to do some soul searching yourself and figure out what you really want for your life. Your parents may b**ch and moan a lot, but ultimately, they are doing that because they care about you and your future, and they want you to be happy and live a comfortable life. College is a really fun time to discover your passion, but you have to think realistically about how to turn this passion into a living. Doing your English stuff is great, but what your parents are worried about is how you're going to make a living. You have to show them some proof or something that if you don't want to do medicine, that you'll have a way to support yourself (like journalism or being a novelist or an English prof or something).

If you decide to do medicine, you can think of ways to incorporate your passions into your medical work. Much like how I was interested in teaching, research, helping the homeless, and doing Flying Doctors of Mercy, you can probably do something like medical writing for journals or I dunno, think of something. This will serve as motivation in the pre-med process. You can always look back at this and say, this is the kind of doctor I want to become.

Another thing I would do is talk to your parents about how their b**ching and moaning affects you. I did this also, since I couldn't study or concentrate at all when I was at home. I had to go to the library often to study (which was a big waste of gas) because I couldn't concentrate at home with the b**ching. I just told them to place themselves in my position. If they really respect me and want me to succeed, they have to give me the space and time to do my stuff. Their b**ching and moaning doesn't make my studying or writing applications any better, so if they need to say something, say it, and then leave me alone so I can do my stuff. My parents are more understanding after I talked to them, and most of our conversations about pre-med stuff are over dinner or when we're out shopping or something. When I'm in my workspace, I just don't like distractions.

The bottom line, I think is that you can't really hold a grudge against your parents. I've tried it, it doesn't work. Your parents are not only the people who gave birth to you and raised you from when you were little, they are also the people who you have to stick with for the rest of your life. I really don't think they would disown you no matter what you do, because you are their kid. So, ultimately, you really have to make peace with them and get them to see the story from your point of view. And remember, they only want the best for your future. So talk to them about it.

Good luck!

Edit: Oh yes, I also wanted to say that all the above people's advice about doing what you enjoy is really good advice. Like seriously, my parents made me do classical piano since I was like 3 years old. It was good and all, but I really broke away when I pawned a guitar off my buddy Frosh year in college, and now I'm in an indie rock/metal band. I also sing (pretty badly). So yea, scr*w it and do what you like.

 

[Nobuo]

Also, I don't want to point fingers or offend anyone, but I really respect my parents and family even though they b**ch a lot.

Like they crossed the Pacific Ocean and floated to the USA on a small wooden raft to escape war and etc (ok well maybe its not that dramatic). Their sacrifices all so that I could have a better future shows their love and dedication, and I would never severe myself from my parents or family even though they nag me insane.

I know the American way is all about freedom and doing what you want and stuff, and I buy that, especially since I was born in the USA, and I'm kind of a rebel/punk myself sorta kinda... but I can't deny what others have done for me. There's a difference between freedom to do things you want and complete freedom to do anything (I believe they call this positive and negative freedom in philosophy, I'm not completely sure -- it's kind of confusing though).

 

[sleepy12]

I think that you just need to accept the fact that your parents will never be happy and just learn to live your own life alongside their unhappiness. You should get a job (any job that will support you) and move out. Pursue your own dreams. Just make friends/relationships with other people and learn to appreciate that and learn to be OKAY with your parents not approving of you. Just keep in contact with them and just let them know that you still love them but are not going to do what they want you to do. You might be surprised that they gain some more respect for you just because you are being independent.

 

[oilrig25]

wow...all this positive feedback and care. even though some of the pieces of advice i have read so far are conflicting (to a small degree, nothing wildly different), i believe each one of you has said something that i can use to deal with my situation.

some of you have suggested that i try to take the time out to talk to my parents. trust me, that will not work at all! I have been trying to talk to them for 10 years now to try and make them understand my perspective but nothing seems to convince them. they just wont budge on any idea. also, i would love to show them what kind of a great lifestyle i could live if i simply pursue english. however, i realize i would never make it to a Ph.D because my parents would just complain EVERY single day about my course of study, and that would just want to make me not study at all, and then i'll end up with no degree. THEN, at that point...they would laugh and say that I couldn't even handle something as "stupid" and "low" as english. as one of the posters has said above, liberal arts among south asians is equivalent to blasphemy against any of the religions found prominent among south asians.

im still trying to figure out where to go from here. i could try to go back to english, but then i would feel as if though i wasted all my time in the pre-med classes. i do like the idea of synthesizing my interest in writing into medicine.

man...my parents have really weighed down on me. i have low self-esteem, i think negatively most of the time, and i always assume the worst is going to happen. i'm 26 but i look 35 and i think its because the stress is wearing down on me. i feel bad enough that im at this age and i still have to seek advice by posting my problems up on a public forum...seems like something a crazy teenager would have to do in order to cope.

 

[193250]

Yeah man, i know how you feel. Asian parents can be very controlling, no matter if you're southeast asian or just east asian. That is pretty extreme of you parents though, for showing up at your graduation and not even congratulating you. But, you know, they really don't know what the heck they are talking about most of the time. Some of the stuff that comes of my aunt's mouth about admissions and everything, it's all jibberish. Just take it in stride and don't worry about it. My advice for you is to pursue medicine, nothing there that says you can't. With a 3.7 pre req gpa, you should be able to get 30+ on the mcat. Become a doctor to be financially secure and then go and pursue the stuff you love, such as books and literature. And then move out of your parents house, and get away.

 

[airplanes]

Become a doctor to be financially secure and then go and pursue the stuff you love, such as books and literature. And then move out of your parents house, and get away.

Assuming he takes the MCAT in the next year, applies to med school next summer, gets in right away, starts 4 years of med school in fall 2010, sits through a residency anywhere from 2-6 years, then starts paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans after that...being financially secure would take a really long time.

 

[mmagnett]

The ability to do what you love and to succeed at it is at the very essence of what it means to be American; I bet your parents (or their parents before them) realized that when they came here. Don't let your parents loose sight of what makes our country so awesome [not saying that it is impossible to achieve in other countries too]. If you don't want to be a doctor you don't have to become one.

In fact, doing so would (1) make your life a lot less satisfying, (2) take away from a potential contribution to society [in your preferred line of work] or (3) compromise the care of your future patients.

You've clearly thought this decision through; go with whatever you've decided.

Anecdotal PS: Tell JK Rowling that writers can't be successful. I'd bet she would laugh all the way to the bank. 🙂

 

[enjoydrywax]

Anecdotal PS: Tell JK Rowling that writers can't be successful. I'd bet she would laugh all the way to the bank. 🙂

Ah, the "durr bill gates didn't go to college" argument--one of these days the people who spout this bull**** will realize that this is the extremely rare exception to the rule (in this case the starving, struggling writer).

Now for some advice: do whatever it is that you want and tell your parents to go straight to hell. You have a degree and you should be able to support yourself. Move out of your parents house (assuming you still live with them) and just forget about them. Don't even talk to them, don't even call them. I understand this is hilariously difficult for a southeast asian, with all the "I came to america worked my nuts off so you could have it great" stories used to guilt the **** out of you. You need to thank them for their sacrifices and just get out of there. Once you sever contact they will realize (and this is the key): if we don't change our ass-backwards conservative view, we will never see or hear from our son again. Once a parent has to make a decision between accepting whatever career path you choose or never seeing their beloved son ever again, they will come around really really quickly. PM me a few years when this works wonderfully. Good luck brother.

 

[OncoCaP]

hey all,

...

...would prefer to do (i wouldnt mind it, seeing as how i get the opportunity to be a humanitarian and help people), it really sucks and depresses me to know that i forfeited my own dreams to try and fulfill the dreams of my parents...only to see them just as angry today as they were before i started the pre-med classes. i talked to them and asked them if i can get any credit, they said, "you dont mean anything until you actually get into medical school." great...

now im stuck, i had this elaborate plan to study for my MCAT one more time and i know i can rock more than a 35, but im so down and depressed. there is no encouragement for me to go any further. i thought my parents and i would finally get along as a result of this, but nothing...theyre not any happier today than they were before i started the pre-med classes. and i thought about going back to english, but my writing skills have drastically decreased as a result of not keeping up with my writing and reading ever since taking this pre-med detour. also, i want to move away from home into an apartment with some friends and my parents are like, "no way!" im 26 years old, about to be 27 in two months! i feel like im a teenager thats stuck!

i apologize for making this post longer than any i have personally read in the forums, but im hoping my pre-med colleagues out there on SDN could offer a metaphorical shoulder for me to lean on by giving me some advice on what i can do. i know i can focus on the goal of becoming a doctor, but im just so down right now. i feel like i have to finish the mission now since i invested a lot of time and money into the pre-med classes...but my parents...man.

I can see how that would be very frustrating. Your parents will not be satisfied easily or in the near future.. Are there any friends, school counselors, etc. that you might feel comfortable talking to about this? It seems like you need more than a few words of advice because it isn't going to get any easier even when you make it into medical school as far as I can tell.

You may want to take a little break for a day or so and do something you don't hate (and hopefully enjoy) for a little while to clear your head and come up with a plan you are comfortable with. You may also want to look at some related health professions that don't take as much time as medical training before you start earning money. Maybe there is another family member that you trust and who can advise you about how to work with your parents. I don't see an easy answer but it does look like you have some options. Pick what you think is the best path and include a strategy for motivating yourself that doesn't require your parent's help and encouragement for the time being.

 

[Dulcina]

even though medicine is not what i would prefer to do (i wouldnt mind it, seeing as how i get the opportunity to be a humanitarian and help people), it really sucks and depresses me to know that i forfeited my own dreams to try and fulfill the dreams of my parents...only to see them just as angry today as they were before i started the pre-med classes.

you cannot give up your own happiness for others. from what you've written here, you do NOT want to be a doctor. It is not worth 4 yrs of school, 4 yrs of residency, and hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt to "make your parents happy". It sounds like your happiness depends on their acceptance of you, which you need to try to change. Hopefully you can see that they are being unreasonable, and intellectualize the fact that you cannot live your life as you want to and also make them happy. That being said, there will be a day when you will be around, and they will not (most likely...). On that day, their approval won't exist no matter what you did, and you'll continue living the life you started.

Not sure if it helps to hear this, but neither of my parents wanted me to go to med school (we're sort of opposites). They thought the life would be too hard, that it was ridiculous that I wanted to spend that much more money on tuition, and that I should start working a stable job and making money. Would I give up medicine just to make them happy? No way. Do I wish they were happy? Sure, but it isnt gonna happen. Its my life, and even though it makes my life suck a little more that they don't agree with my decisions, I can accept that, and just move on.

Anyways, hope this helped.

 

[193250]

Assuming he takes the MCAT in the next year, applies to med school next summer, gets in right away, starts 4 years of med school in fall 2010, sits through a residency anywhere from 2-6 years, then starts paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans after that...being financially secure would take a really long time.

It's probably better than what you get from a normal job that you would get from an english degree. Also, you would have job security as well.

 

[JJMrK]

however, i realize i would never make it to a Ph.D because my parents would just complain EVERY single day about my course of study, and that would just want to make me not study at all, and then i'll end up with no degree. THEN, at that point...they would laugh and say that I couldn't even handle something as "stupid" and "low" as english.

You need to distance yourself from your parents. They are keeping you from achieving your dreams. Why do you still live at home?

 

[WannaBePreMed]

You've got some deep rooted problems with your parents and I think the only way you can ever be happy is if you deal with it. As for med school, if it's not what YOU want then don't do it. Who gives a **** what your parents want, live your god damn life, grow a backbone. Get away from negativity, even if it's your parents. Move the fu*k out buddy, i mean come on your too old for this parents bullsh*t. Your parents will only respect you if you respect yourself. Sorry, but i'm not gonna sugar coat it.

Your To Do List
1) Be independent, respect yourself
2) Don't be a doctor, because that's obviously not what you want
3) Grow up, time to be an adult
4) Do what makes you happy

That's it, nothing too difficult, really.





Sorry for being a jerk, but sometimes that's what people need 😛

 

[oilrig25]

from the suggestions that have been given, i feel like i know what should be done...all it is right now is a matter of be just being a man and doing what i need to do. however, everything in my life has been a catch-22, and this is no different at all. i should move out and away from my parents, but i dont know how my parents were able to do this, but they somehow hardwired me to be overcome with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and disgust even when i disobey them. im wondering if i will be at peace if i move away.

as far as being a doctor is concerned, its not that i am vehemently opposed to the idea. i mean, i would prefer to become a professor or a writer, but i feel like i owe it to that one period of time where i tried to prove myself by taking the pre-med classes. im gonna be honest, despite my love for the liberal arts, i was really proud of what i had done by doing well in those classes. however, like every other achievement in my life, i never feel too good about it...and i always second-guess myself, thinking "oh...it may have been luck."

if i do end up becoming a doctor, it still wont be to the satisfaction of my parents because i want to be a doctor that engages in humanitarian work...aka reduced pay. my parents will have a fit with that!

 

[da8s0859q]

Nothing useful to add that others haven't already said, so good luck, OP.

One of my best friends has similar parents. I feel for you.

 

[sunny1]

wow...all this positive feedback and care. even though some of the pieces of advice i have read so far are conflicting (to a small degree, nothing wildly different), i believe each one of you has said something that i can use to deal with my situation.

some of you have suggested that i try to take the time out to talk to my parents. trust me, that will not work at all! I have been trying to talk to them for 10 years now to try and make them understand my perspective but nothing seems to convince them. they just wont budge on any idea. also, i would love to show them what kind of a great lifestyle i could live if i simply pursue english. however, i realize i would never make it to a Ph.D because my parents would just complain EVERY single day about my course of study, and that would just want to make me not study at all, and then i'll end up with no degree. THEN, at that point...they would laugh and say that I couldn't even handle something as "stupid" and "low" as english. as one of the posters has said above, liberal arts among south asians is equivalent to blasphemy against any of the religions found prominent among south asians.

im still trying to figure out where to go from here. i could try to go back to english, but then i would feel as if though i wasted all my time in the pre-med classes. i do like the idea of synthesizing my interest in writing into medicine.

man...my parents have really weighed down on me. i have low self-esteem, i think negatively most of the time, and i always assume the worst is going to happen. i'm 26 but i look 35 and i think its because the stress is wearing down on me. i feel bad enough that im at this age and i still have to seek advice by posting my problems up on a public forum...seems like something a crazy teenager would have to do in order to cope.

There are 3 things you need to do...but the order in which you choose to do them is up to you:

1) Do some soul searching about the jobs and fields to see where your interests really lie. Someone else suggested a good book. There are plenty of these types of books out there (a la "What Color is my Parachute?").

2) Seek some counseling for your deep-seated guilt issues, low self esteem, and perhaps to get the courage to pursue the life you want, move out, etc.

3) Once you decide what it is YOU really want to do (I agree I think you need to move out and perhaps get a job to give yourself some perspective), DO IT. Your parents sounds like they will always be negative and compare you to others unfairly no matter what. So someone should be happy in this relationship. It's not gonna be them...

You alluded to the fact that you don't want your time spent in pre-med classes to have been "wasted." It all depends on how you choose to look at it. You could use it to benefit you in the future, or you could choose to look at it as an exploratory exercise (which is what a lot of college is, by the way) which helped you rule out one field and focus on another more personally meaningful one. By telling yourself that if you don't use them you have somehow wasted your time, well this is the worst possible way to look at the situation. Try putting a positive spin on it no matter whether you use those classes or not.

BTW, there is a program at UNC-Chapel Hill that is a Master in Medical Journalism. Other schools, like Columbia, allow their journalism grad students to specialize in a topic area like science. So there are both job and further educational opportunities out there to meld the 2 fields.

 

[w0lf137]

Everyone on this board keeps telling you what to do. This is what they would do if they were in your shoes. Your situation is more complex. They don't see your point of view exactly as you do. In addition, your just saying your biased side of the story. You're omitting facts even if you don't realize you are. Your parents have a reason for acting like they do and it's not "just because they are asian." You're making your parents sound like monsters and of course people on this board would say to move out and do your thing. You have your own beliefs, morals, culture, etc. Just think about your situation and go with your gut feeling. Also, we all second guess our decisions. To relieve our worries, we research what were getting into. Look into how other people live alone, how others decided to persue their own goals/parents goals etc.

 

[MilkmanAl]

I think that's being overly PC about the subject. It's very clear the OP is unhappy with his current situation.

 

[chessknt]

Everyone on this board keeps telling you what to do. This is what they would do if they were in your shoes. Your situation is more complex. They don't see your point of view exactly as you do. In addition, your just saying your biased side of the story. You're omitting facts even if you don't realize you are. Your parents have a reason for acting like they do and it's not "just because they are asian." You're making your parents sound like monsters and of course people on this board would say to move out and do your thing. You have your own beliefs, morals, culture, etc. Just think about your situation and go with your gut feeling. Also, we all second guess our decisions. To relieve our worries, we research what were getting into. Look into how other people live alone, how others decided to persue their own goals/parents goals etc.

A lot of us understand that certain styles of parenting can have long-lasting negative effects on their children too. Even if he is omitting facts, the truth in their behavior at his graduation and rejection of his area of study is enough evidence to determine they have no interest in his happiness with life, which is why he needs to move out.

 

[sunny1]

Everyone on this board keeps telling you what to do. This is what they would do if they were in your shoes. Your situation is more complex. They don't see your point of view exactly as you do. In addition, your just saying your biased side of the story. You're omitting facts even if you don't realize you are. Your parents have a reason for acting like they do and it's not "just because they are asian." You're making your parents sound like monsters and of course people on this board would say to move out and do your thing. You have your own beliefs, morals, culture, etc. Just think about your situation and go with your gut feeling. Also, we all second guess our decisions. To relieve our worries, we research what were getting into. Look into how other people live alone, how others decided to persue their own goals/parents goals etc.

I get what you're trying to say. But of course everyone is empathizing and telling him what to do - he asked for advice on what to do. There really are parents out there that unfortunately don't realize how poorly they treat their children. They're not monsters; they're just flawed humans like the rest of us. You think he should keep living with his parents forever? He's about to be friggin' 27. He needs to start living HIS life. We are simply suggesting ways to get started.

 

[Lukkie]

I get what you're trying to say. But of course everyone is empathizing and telling him what to do - he asked for advice on what to do. There really are parents out there that unfortunately don't realize how poorly they treat their children. They're not monsters; they're just flawed humans like the rest of us. You think he should keep living with his parents forever? He's about to be friggin' 27. He needs to start living HIS life. We are simply suggesting ways to get started.

its not just about the actions he needs to take. he has to change his whole worldview to actually do this and be happy about it. as it stands, he still respects and desires his parents admiration and respect. he needs to get beyond that before he can do things like really move out. and 'moving out' does not simply entail living in a different place. it means being almost or completely independent.

 

[sunny1]

its not just about the actions he needs to take. he has to change his whole worldview to actually do this and be happy about it. as it stands, he still respects and desires his parents admiration and respect. he needs to get beyond that before he can do things like really move out. and 'moving out' does not simply entail living in a different place. it means being almost or completely independent.

Hence my prior suggestion that he seek counseling to sort out his feelings and desires on what it is he really wants to do. 🙄

Dude/ette. I am 26 yo. I understand what it means to be independent. And I'm sorry, but it's about darn time for him to start being so. It certainly sounds like he wants to - he just doesn't know how or what steps to take to do this. Counseling could give him an outside, personalized perspective to help him sort out what he wants and provide the tools he needs to do it.

 

[GamjaXnamjA]

I'm also a South Asian and I think i understand a little bit of what your going through.. My biggest trouble was not getting into this one school that my parents have been wanting me to get into from the time I was 10. After that they were always ashamed to tell people where I was going.. eventually I applied as a transfer student to that school and got accepted but ripped it up into shreds showing my parents that I didn't give a **** no more😎

I would just move out and live my own life... your 26.. cmon..

 

[w0lf137]

I get what you're trying to say. But of course everyone is empathizing and telling him what to do - he asked for advice on what to do. There really are parents out there that unfortunately don't realize how poorly they treat their children. They're not monsters; they're just flawed humans like the rest of us. You think he should keep living with his parents forever? He's about to be friggin' 27. He needs to start living HIS life. We are simply suggesting ways to get started.

In some cultures kids stay with their parents for a long time. It is not uncommon to see 27 year olds living with their parents. Age shouldn't be the reason you see for him to move out. I agree that he should start living his life, but I think he should consider why does he want to move out/why does he want to stay and the realities of both. I like sunny1's suggestion of getting counseling and not just moving out prematurely. He might not even be ready to move out (even if he's 27) because he might be so used to his parents' house.

 

[acetyllater]

You get to live your own life. Don't let your parent's live it for you. Do what makes YOU happiest, because that is what is most important.

 

[MilkmanAl]

I know you're trying to be accepting and tolerant and whatnot, but let's face reality. We're in America, and living with your parents when you're 27 for no particularly pressing reason is weird. Them completely controlling your life is weirder still. It's time for the OP to move out, no matter how you slice it. You agree that he needs his independence, and I don't see how he's going to achieve it without removing himself from his parents' constant pressure.