Dating a Resident

[AnonTS]

Hello, I am not a doctor but am dating a 1st year resident. We are three months into our relationship. Our first two months together were perfect, I really love spending time with this woman (let's call her PP) and want this relationship to work, but this past month has been hard. PP has had much less free time to put into our relationship, going from what used to be two dates a week to only two dates this last month. Also, we used to have amazing sex multiple times a night, to no sex at all in this third month. Finally, her general mood has changed for the worse: she used to be a lot of fun to be with but now she is cold, irritable and distant.

We spoke about her mood a week ago and she almost broke down in tears. She said how seeing her family over Xmas made her realize that she will grow detached from her loved ones as her career progresses. I sensed that PP feels lonely and desperately misses being with people that she has spent her lifetime building relationships with, which is unfortunately nurturing budding seeds of despair in her once cheerful personality.

I used to feel loved but now I feel rejected and ignored. I visited PP's home when she was at work a few days ago and noticed that her room was a mess: dirty laundry on the floor, a dirty plate and fork on her night stand, crusty food stains on her bed sheets. I cleaned her clothes and sheets, made her bed, washed her dish, vacuumed her carpet, and put fresh roses in her vase. PP gets home at 1am. I ask her how her shift went and am replied with a grunt. She quickly strips and gets into bed, turns her back to me. I kiss her on the head and say Goodnight, another grunt. It's been days and she hasn't noticed what I did, no text, no call, no thank you.


Being a resident is hard. Dating a resident is hard. I very much like spending time with PP and want love to grow, but how can it when we barely see each other and don't have sex? Has anyone else been in this position? Any advice for making it work?

-TS

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[DarkLordofSith]

Sorry bro that's rough. I don't have any specific advice but there's a forum here for significant others of people in the medical field. You may want to check it out and ask them. Good luck and I hope stuff works out for yall.

 

[blebb]

Give her some space bro. You sound needy.

 

[Mad Jack]

Working 80 hour weeks and studying in your off time sucks the life out of people. After residency, it gets better. Stop being so damn needy and let her do her thing- she doesn't love you any less, she's just tired AF and emotionally burned out. She won't be like this forever, as residency is most intense in year one and tends to get slightly better over time. Once you're an attending, things aren't all that much worse than any other job.

Either deal with it or don't- what she needs right now is you to just be around. She isn't upset with you, she just has been sucked dry of everything that makes her who she is and lacks the energy and strength to show that she cares about you, because sleep deprivation and stress does that to people. Chill out dude.

 

[AnonTS]

I'll give her some space, do my own thing for a while. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Mass Effect]

You're approaching your relationship all wrong and if you're not careful, she'll break up with you. You have no clue what your first year of residency is like in certain rotations. Imagine getting to work at 6 a.m. and getting off at 10 p.m. only to go back the next day. You work 6 days a week, usually on your feet the whole time. You're lucky if you get to eat or go to the bathroom during the day. You're exhausted, both physically and mentally. The last thing you need is someone being demanding of your time when you get home.

Also, you went to her house and cleaned up. While sweet, perhaps she didn't want you going through her things. You guys don't live together, so maybe she thought you were out of line to be there when she wasn't and to be cleaning everything when you've only been dating a very short time. That's how I would feel anyway.

If you like her, then give her time. She's probably on a very difficult rotation right now and she just doesn't have any energy left to devote to anyone else, even to herself.

 

[AnonTS]

Understood. We talked about it and she said that doing things for her like cleaning makes her feel bad because it is a reminder that she doesn't have the time/energy to reciprocate in any way. With my last GF, when she was having a rough time, cleaning her place always cheered her up. But there are a different set of expectations for this relationship and she has different needs. Right now the best thing for her isn't help with chores, but space to focus on this particularly rough rotation, so that's what I'll give her.

 

[CN6]

I am currently dating someone in the surgery fellowship program. He is 21 months from being done with it. We have been dating for 4 months and he has been telling me that testings are creeping up again and things are going to get dark and hard and a lot of times the other party in the relationship doesn’t understand that and it doesn’t end up working. I was sure that I could handle it and stick through it. It’s been probably 2 weeks since he started really focusing on his testings and OMG he was not lying. It has been very hard. I hear from him everyday which I’m thankful for considering what I hear from others but it has changed. He is very short and definitely colder. This isn’t anything he hasn’t warned me of. He does tell me everyday that he loves me and misses me which is nice but I think its a lack of security on my behalf. Going from seeing him almost everyday to not seeing him at all is emotionally hard. Our relationship hit it off pretty fast and hard and we have already discussed a future together. I love him more than anything in this world and am willing to stick things out and wait for this “season” to pass. He warned me that things are going to continue to get more stressful until it all ends in May and that there may be times he wont even want to talk. He is upset a lot and on the edge feeling as if he hasn’t studied enough or that he should have started sooner. Again this is something I have read that is common among other residence/med students. I sent him a message telling him i loved him and that i would take the backseat through this journey. and encouraged him that he will do great and that i had faith in him. I let him know that I would give him his space and whenever he had free time or felt like talking to txt or call whenever he was available. Even though I mean all those things I have found myself depressed the past few days. We had an argument few days ago which he was already on edge and I know its the stress of everything. After letting me go around 2am and saying he was going to sleep. He messaged me at like 4AM saying sorry for being a jerk and that he loved me and he was sorry for being so angry. I feel like I have to tip toe on what I say and do because he is so on edge from all the stress and even though he apologized not seeing him still makes me feel a tad insecure. I know that might be ridiculous but that’s my honest current feelings. My birthday is in 2 weeks and we had made plans to meet up and spend that together. Would it be better for me to tell him not to worry if he wanted to study that I rather him focus on his schooling than taking time out to hang out? Also I thought of sending him care packages.. what’s your take on that? I have read many post from GF BF of residence but none from surgery and I hear that’s the toughest. He a plastic surgery fellow and I found nothing on surgeons lol. I hear surgery life is harder than the other paths so would be nice to get feed back from another surgeon

 

[smq123]

I love him more than anything in this world and am willing to stick things out and wait for this “season” to pass.

It's only been 4 months and you already know that you love him more than anything in this world?

Also, this "Season" will pass, but there will be another one. And another one. And another one.

 

[Crayola227]

I am currently dating someone in the surgery fellowship program. He is 21 months from being done with it. We have been dating for 4 months and he has been telling me that testings are creeping up again and things are going to get dark and hard and a lot of times the other party in the relationship doesn’t understand that and it doesn’t end up working. I was sure that I could handle it and stick through it. It’s been probably 2 weeks since he started really focusing on his testings and OMG he was not lying. It has been very hard. I hear from him everyday which I’m thankful for considering what I hear from others but it has changed. He is very short and definitely colder. This isn’t anything he hasn’t warned me of. He does tell me everyday that he loves me and misses me which is nice but I think its a lack of security on my behalf. Going from seeing him almost everyday to not seeing him at all is emotionally hard. Our relationship hit it off pretty fast and hard and we have already discussed a future together. I love him more than anything in this world and am willing to stick things out and wait for this “season” to pass. He warned me that things are going to continue to get more stressful until it all ends in May and that there may be times he wont even want to talk. He is upset a lot and on the edge feeling as if he hasn’t studied enough or that he should have started sooner. Again this is something I have read that is common among other residence/med students. I sent him a message telling him i loved him and that i would take the backseat through this journey. and encouraged him that he will do great and that i had faith in him. I let him know that I would give him his space and whenever he had free time or felt like talking to txt or call whenever he was available. Even though I mean all those things I have found myself depressed the past few days. We had an argument few days ago which he was already on edge and I know its the stress of everything. After letting me go around 2am and saying he was going to sleep. He messaged me at like 4AM saying sorry for being a jerk and that he loved me and he was sorry for being so angry. I feel like I have to tip toe on what I say and do because he is so on edge from all the stress and even though he apologized not seeing him still makes me feel a tad insecure. I know that might be ridiculous but that’s my honest current feelings. My birthday is in 2 weeks and we had made plans to meet up and spend that together. Would it be better for me to tell him not to worry if he wanted to study that I rather him focus on his schooling than taking time out to hang out? Also I thought of sending him care packages.. what’s your take on that? I have read many post from GF BF of residence but none from surgery and I hear that’s the toughest. He a plastic surgery fellow and I found nothing on surgeons lol. I hear surgery life is harder than the other paths so would be nice to get feed back from another surgeon

yeah on one hand space..... is great, everyone deserves a day to say they don't want to talk....

on the other hand, I don't care if he is a big shot surgeon.... this early in a certain level of disrespect, and letting this "season" mean that he can't get it the **** together and make your birthday a nice day for you? sounds like setting yourself up for something nasty

If he can't do it for you, what makes you think he'll do it for the kids when it's their 10th birthday? Only they'll be more hurt I can promise you.

Basically you're past the 3 months where people are best able and most motivated to put on their best face.... past that and the mask starts slipping, they start taking you a little (or maybe this guy a lot) for granted, and you start to get a taste for the things that will be problems in your relationship.

Things don't get "better" with time in a relationship as far as problems go. You add to them and you either are a good match and have adequate conflict resolution skills and maintain.... or.....

No, you are not doing him, yourself, or the relationship a favor to let him blow your birthday off. Don't do it.

Remember, not letting someone walk on you is as much for them as it is for you, if that's the only thing you can tell yourself to motivate yourself to stand up for yourself.

TLDR
space is great, but....
you're at a critical juncture at 4 mos in a relationship, **** starts to get real
don't start bad habits like blowing off your birthday
you can be understanding and have a spine
you will never do anyone not even the other person a favor letting them walk on you

 

[Trauma Surgeon]

I usually tell I my interns who want to do surgery and ask about family life to talk to my wife about living with a surgeon. Now, I'm maybe a outlier, did residency and PhD at the same time, had to kids during that period and so on…

I do not agree with Mad Jack, I think that being an attending is much harder than residency. But, once again, I might be an outlier here to, only ACS surgeon starting a division, have 2 PhD students, and two amazing but extremely demanding kids at home. Uh yeah, don't forget the wifey No friends, no free time.

I do not have any specific relationship advice to give more than just talk to her and ask her what she sees in her future "both" in regards to career and family, and see if you are able to support her. Be true to your self...