Dating in med school

[readmypostsMD]

I know this seems counterintuitive, but my general advice is stop desperately looking for the one and then you'll find them when you least expect it. I feel like prospective partners can smell "neeeeed companionship" a mile away and from experience, nothing makes me hightail it faster than that. I feel like that's why dating apps can feel so forced; much less pressure when you meet a friend through a mutual interest and it moves to romance from there. You will have to make some time for it; get involved with groups you're interested in, take opportunities to go out with friends and be social, be open to meeting new people, but do the emotional growth you need to be happy by yourself. If you take the time to do that, it will be easier to balance a relationship with two independent people when you're busy. I can't comment if it's bad to date classmates- it might be nice to have someone who understands what you're going through, but just recognize if you'll be competitive with each other and know you won't be able to get away from them easily if you break up haha. My fiancee is in an opposite career to medicine, but still is super busy so he understands the career commitment. Finding someone who gets that and is also super self-motivated is helpful in sustaining your relationship when things get tough, I feel like. So keep that in mind when you're looking!

lol good advice for females who generally get to wait to be asked out by a male

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[fathergoat]

It pretty much started after the HIV epidemic started as medicine recognized the need to have physicians who have a familiarity and comfort with that community and who could build trust with that community as providers. Many people want to have a doctor who "looks like them" whether in terms of gender, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Some schools see recruiting LGBTQ candidates as a way of enhancing diversity in the class and in the profession.

And many care for non-LGBTQ patients too and are cherished for their compassion, their communications skills and their willingness to go the extra mile for the team and the patient.

I was aware of that LGBTQ was seen as desirable to medical school, but I did not realize the extent. For example, the article mentions that Harvard's class is 15 % LGBTQ (higher than any reported representative population). Reading forums, I know that Wake Forest, Tulane, and other schools are specifically reaching out to students if they identify as LGBTQ and are putting them in a special pool. At my own school, I was surprised at the number of LGBTQ members we had (higher than the reported represented population in US), and how much the school supports them by having required LGBTQ events.

 

[MedicineZ0Z]

I know this seems counterintuitive, but my general advice is stop desperately looking for the one and then you'll find them when you least expect it. I feel like prospective partners can smell "neeeeed companionship" a mile away and from experience, nothing makes me hightail it faster than that. I feel like that's why dating apps can feel so forced; much less pressure when you meet a friend through a mutual interest and it moves to romance from there. You will have to make some time for it; get involved with groups you're interested in, take opportunities to go out with friends and be social, be open to meeting new people, but do the emotional growth you need to be happy by yourself. If you take the time to do that, it will be easier to balance a relationship with two independent people when you're busy. I can't comment if it's bad to date classmates- it might be nice to have someone who understands what you're going through, but just recognize if you'll be competitive with each other and know you won't be able to get away from them easily if you break up haha. My fiancee is in an opposite career to medicine, but still is super busy so he understands the career commitment. Finding someone who gets that and is also super self-motivated is helpful in sustaining your relationship when things get tough, I feel like. So keep that in mind when you're looking!

The general theme of what you're saying (don't try so hard or come off as desperate) is 100% accurate. But I would fully disagree that one should stop looking. Reality is, good looking and popular guys have it very easy. They have been with over a dozen girls at least before they're even 20. On the other end, many guys have been with 0.
Ultimately, one needs to pursue self improvement and put themself out there. I've come across guys who have finished med school (in other words, >25 years old) who still haven't had any experience with a girl. While some guys have been with several dozen at that age and actively get approached.

And agree with poster above - if you're female, you just have to be friendly and show some minimal basic interest and you'll get constantly asked out.

 

[deleted1032897]

Okay, I appreciate the above differences in perspective. But I think what I was trying to say is using the effort of getting involved in interest groups, going out, and being open to meeting new people is a means of opening yourself to better dating opportunities with people you can have common interest friendships with before advancing to a relationship. As opposed to the cold-call approach of dating apps that are I assume in general much more based off first impression (read: looks and confidence) and much more nerve-inducing with the pressure of dating on the table right away. Which seems to have not been successful so far. I didn’t meant stop looking entirely. I meant stop looking for THE ONE in every fleeting opportunity, and work on self-confidence and happiness first independent of others to yield better dating results later. Rather than knowing you’re frustrated and nervous and uncomfortable yet still throwing yourself out there and still being surprised you’re not finding anyone who’s attracted to that. You can’t approach self-improvement with the mentality of “I need romantic experience with a lot of women to make me feel better about my persona” and expect healthy relationships out of that, in my opinion.

I know it takes effort. You won’t find someone if you don’t try. I just meant change where you’re looking and approach the type of people you might want to be with on common ground where developing a friendship first might make it easier for someone inexperienced and nervous and awkward-feeling to find success. Sorry if I’m still not coming across clearly.

It’s alright if you guys don’t agree! I’ll get out and leave you guys to it. Just offering a different approach, from the girl who has been on many the receiving end of a terrible dating proposal from a guy who obviously wanted any girl in general to bite and not specifically me. We see it coming a mile away and it’s not good or appreciated.

 

[BTR41]

I’m also just going to say that the problem is that most people base dating off of looks and popularity. So the popular girl and boy get together. And all of the other people are left out in the cold. And the guys who get left out in the cold will only want to get with the pretty popular girls. This is due to photoshop and dating apps which makes them think they all need to be with the prettiest girl in the room. And girls think they need to always be with the popular/ good looking guy (due to so much options in dating apps and photoshop). So then average looking girls and guys could date each other but instead they are looking for the next best thing. This is what I have found being a woman in the dating world. I am pretty skinny (125 pounds) and have been called fat by 300 pound men thinking they deserve a model. And I have also been picky with some guys I’ve dated as well (when I was younger). We need to get over ourselves and compromise.

 

[readmypostsMD]

I’m also just going to say that the problem is that most people base dating off of looks and popularity. So the popular girl and boy get together. And all of the other people are left out in the cold. And the guys who get left out in the cold will only want to get with the pretty popular girls. This is due to photoshop and dating apps which makes them think they all need to be with the prettiest girl in the room. And girls think they need to always be with the popular/ good looking guy (due to so much options in dating apps and photoshop). So then average looking girls and guys could date each other but instead they are looking for the next best thing. This is what I have found being a woman in the dating world. I am pretty skinny (125 pounds) and have been called fat by 300 pound men thinking they deserve a model. And I have also been picky with some guys I’ve dated as well (when I was younger). We need to get over ourselves and compromise.

disagree, I think. I think girls have it way worse for dating. Most of the time, they’re judged mostly on looks. Guys can make up for average looks with a great personality, but I have the feeling that this doesn’t work the other way around.

add to this the fact that men “age like wine” while women are pressured to preserve their youth, it’s doubly unfair

 

[dr_kateb]

I think girls have it way worse for dating.

you’ve clearly never tried a dating app

 

[readmypostsMD]

you’ve clearly never tried a dating app

my point still stands that girls are judged mostly on physical appearance while guys have the privilege of their attractiveness being based less on looks and more on things more easily within their control

 

[dr_kateb]

my point still stands that girls are judged mostly on physical appearance while guys have the privilege of their attractiveness being based less on looks and more on things more easily within their control

I think you're vastly overestimating the amount of men that this actually applies to. Even then, it takes at least some effort to age gracefully even as a male.

 

[MedicineZ0Z]

I’m also just going to say that the problem is that most people base dating off of looks and popularity. So the popular girl and boy get together. And all of the other people are left out in the cold. And the guys who get left out in the cold will only want to get with the pretty popular girls. This is due to photoshop and dating apps which makes them think they all need to be with the prettiest girl in the room. And girls think they need to always be with the popular/ good looking guy (due to so much options in dating apps and photoshop). So then average looking girls and guys could date each other but instead they are looking for the next best thing. This is what I have found being a woman in the dating world. I am pretty skinny (125 pounds) and have been called fat by 300 pound men thinking they deserve a model. And I have also been picky with some guys I’ve dated as well (when I was younger). We need to get over ourselves and compromise.

This is incredibly accurate

 

[MedicineZ0Z]

disagree, I think. I think girls have it way worse for dating. Most of the time, they’re judged mostly on looks. Guys can make up for average looks with a great personality, but I have the feeling that this doesn’t work the other way around.

add to this the fact that men “age like wine” while women are pressured to preserve their youth, it’s doubly unfair

LOL. Dude you have no clue what you're talking about. I literally have female friends/coworkers who are very overweight and not attractive facewise who have (no exaggeration) several hundred matches on Tinder. This includes guys who are above-average looking. And anyone who is remotely aware on dating apps know how true this is on an international level.
On the contrary, guys with above-average looks still struggle hard on apps. Guys with average looks (aka majority of men) do very poorly.

Also - personality = emotional connection, =/= physical connection. There has to be a physical connection which is based off of your face (not body or height). And personality can't compensate for lack of a physical connection. It's just that people adjust their standards overtime to align with what they have to (physically) offer.

And you realize there are women in their 50s who have tons of men desperately messaging them on dating apps? There are also women above age 40 who have men willing to pay for them (sugar daddying). So even as you age, men are at a very extreme disadvantage.

my point still stands that girls are judged mostly on physical appearance while guys have the privilege of their attractiveness being based less on looks and more on things more easily within their control

Men are also equally judged on their attractiveness. The strong vast majority of attractive women don't even consider a guy who isn't very good looking as a dating option. And there's no compensating with things within your control. You still need a physical connection. That's why the vast majority of pretty girls from your high school and college aren't with rich guys or whatever like you would have thought. They're with ordinary guys who offer a physical and emotional connection.
That's why there are leagues which is inherently tied to how you look. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But that's reality.

 

[readmypostsMD]

LOL. Dude you have no clue what you're talking about. I literally have female friends/coworkers who are very overweight and not attractive facewise who have (no exaggeration) several hundred matches on Tinder. This includes guys who are above-average looking. And anyone who is remotely aware on dating apps know how true this is on an international level.
On the contrary, guys with above-average looks still struggle hard on apps. Guys with average looks (aka majority of men) do very poorly.

Also - personality = emotional connection, =/= physical connection. There has to be a physical connection which is based off of your face (not body or height). And personality can't compensate for lack of a physical connection. It's just that people adjust their standards overtime to align with what they have to (physically) offer.

And you realize there are women in their 50s who have tons of men desperately messaging them on dating apps? There are also women above age 40 who have men willing to pay for them (sugar daddying). So even as you age, men are at a very extreme disadvantage.


Men are also equally judged on their attractiveness. The strong vast majority of attractive women don't even consider a guy who isn't very good looking as a dating option. And there's no compensating with things within your control. You still need a physical connection. That's why the vast majority of pretty girls from your high school and college aren't with rich guys or whatever like you would have thought. They're with ordinary guys who offer a physical and emotional connection.
That's why there are leagues which is inherently tied to how you look. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But that's reality.

inb4 the incels arrive

 

[Lovely Penguin]

These discussions make SDN worth visiting

 

[premeditation123]

Wow this thread really seemed to take off since the last time I checked. Judging from what people wrote, I guess I just have to put myself out there more and make more of an active effort to meet potential partners. Maybe meet someone in a mutual club/activity (this always scared me tho cause if things go south it'll just make things super awkward). I've been trying dating apps the past couple weeks but it honestly depresses me since I get ghosted by so many girls who just stop responding mid-convo :'( . Anyways I start my first year of med school next week so hopefully that'll take my mind off all of this. If I find someone great, I just hope it happens before I'm halfway through residency.

Dude we're in the same boat, I had a brief relationship before but never had anyone show interest in me.. Considering covid and the rigors of medical school and our lack of experience I think we are screwed haha (even the part about mom making comments fits me...)

Lmao when I was in middle school and even HS my mom was always telling me "oh don't mess around with girls focus on school etc..." and then now she's the one blaming me for being bad with girls and being single smh...

 

[HopeP]

Ghosting is part of life since application days

 

[Lovely Penguin]

Wow this thread really seemed to take off since the last time I checked. Judging from what people wrote, I guess I just have to put myself out there more and make more of an active effort to meet potential partners. Maybe meet someone in a mutual club/activity (this always scared me tho cause if things go south it'll just make things super awkward). I've been trying dating apps the past couple weeks but it honestly depresses me since I get ghosted by so many girls who just stop responding mid-convo :'( . Anyways I start my first year of med school next week so hopefully that'll take my mind off all of this. If I find someone great, I just hope it happens before I'm halfway through residency.



Lmao when I was in middle school and even HS my mom was always telling me "oh don't mess around with girls focus on school etc..." and then now she's the one blaming me for being bad with girls and being single smh...

The worst part is, my mom always encouraged me to be social and talk to girls and stuff, but I was socially inept so I was a disappointment in that regard... the only thing I knew how to do was study (ironically my Asian parents wanted me to do less academic stuff)

 

[MyOdyssey]

Confidence is key. That's why seeming needy or desperate is a killer.

How you look matters. Do you eat right? Work out on a regular basis? If you don't, start.

Do you dress well? Have a nice, professionally done haircut?

Do you wear contacts or stylish eyeglass frames?

The above are all easy fixes. Once you accomplish them, you'll feel more confident.

Learn to discern genuine interest from the opposite sex and be prepared to face the fact that most members of the opposite sex won't be interested (and that's fine).

Become well read on current events and popular culture. You'll be able to start a conversation with anyone once you become conversant in everyday issues and trends. This will make you more confident too.

Confidence is key.

 

[deleted1064759]

I’m also just going to say that the problem is that most people base dating off of looks and popularity. So the popular girl and boy get together. And all of the other people are left out in the cold. And the guys who get left out in the cold will only want to get with the pretty popular girls. This is due to photoshop and dating apps which makes them think they all need to be with the prettiest girl in the room. And girls think they need to always be with the popular/ good looking guy (due to so much options in dating apps and photoshop). So then average looking girls and guys could date each other but instead they are looking for the next best thing. This is what I have found being a woman in the dating world. I am pretty skinny (125 pounds) and have been called fat by 300 pound men thinking they deserve a model. And I have also been picky with some guys I’ve dated as well (when I was younger). We need to get over ourselves and compromise.

I think your experience is uncommon. Girls I have met off of tinder have showed me their matches and it's basically the opposite of what you're describing.

 

[MyOdyssey]

I think your experience is uncommon. Girls I have met off of tinder have showed me their matches and it's basically the opposite of what you're describing.

Studies support @BTR41's perception.

 

[deleted1064759]

Studies support @BTR41's perception.

I wouldn't put much stock into dating studies as they suffer from extreme biases. What I've learned is that online dating is pretty much a women's market.

 

[deleted1032897]

And your anecdotal data from girls showing you their Tinder matches is less extremely biased than dating studies?

 

[deleted1064759]

And your anecdotal data from girls showing you their Tinder matches is less extremely biased than dating studies?

It's common sense really. Women have much more choice in online dating apps. Some guys will swipe on anything female with two legs. Exaggeration of course, but my point is that guys are an abundance on dating apps and girls generally have their pick of the litter to who they want to meet.

Why do you think guys have to work on game/body/quality pics while girls can post a couple selfies and get 100 matches in a day.

 

[LizzyM]

On a tangent, anyone watching Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? Sweet, salty, bitter... it's got it all -- except spicy.

 

[patnic511]

On a tangent, anyone watching Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? Sweet, salty, bitter... it's got it all -- except spicy.

Just finished it! Aparna had me laughing so hard

 

[LizzyM]

Just finished it! Aparna had me laughing so hard

She is a piece of work. She was incredilous that some people look for a partner with a sense of humor. Imagine!

 

[Bloobury]

I think you'll have plenty of opportunities to meet people. You're young, and med student classes tend to form pretty strong bonds from my understanding, because of all the time you spend together sufferin-.. I mean... studying together.

I've been debating whether or not to use the med student status to my advantage (white coat pics in tinder etc..), but it feels cheap and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong crowd.

I personally find that kind of cringe-y. Definitely mention that you're a med student in your profile or whatever, but I think your gut feeling is right. Do you want someone to be attracted to you for what they think you are, or ~who you are~?

Also, it's important to consider that people outside of medicine may not actually want to date a doctor. There are some negative stereotypes out there (Doctors are self-absorbed, privileged asshats; med students/residents/doctors have no time or energy for a relationship; med students are gonna be poor and busy for years and years and are going to be hard to date; lots of relationships with doctors end in divorce; etc). Some of them are based in more truth than others. I can say from personal experience dating a physician, doctors can be overprivileged, pompous, man-splaining, judgmental d-bags. But that doctor money tho... I just mention this because I'm planning to go into medicine as a non-trad, and my partner (aforementioned d-bag, MD) is not all that supportive of it (not wanting to relive the trauma and all). It will most likely negatively affect our relationship because of the time and financial commitment, on top of all the other stress.

But you're lucky that you're young and have lots of time and options ahead of you. It's an exciting time! Just be your best self, and you'll be sure to meet (and date) some amazing people throughout your journey! Rooting for you!

 

[HopeP]

On a tangent, anyone watching Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? Sweet, salty, bitter... it's got it all -- except spicy.

Not sure OP fits which character closely, can think of Akshay guy, I may be wrong.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

On a tangent, anyone watching Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? Sweet, salty, bitter... it's got it all -- except spicy.

We watched couple of episodes and then read the outcomes online. We display our spiciness in food only

 

[readmypostsMD]

bro just lift

It's common sense really. Women have much more choice in online dating apps. Some guys will swipe on anything female with two legs. Exaggeration of course, but my point is that guys are an abundance on dating apps and girls generally have their pick of the litter to who they want to meet.

Why do you think guys have to work on game/body/quality pics while girls can post a couple selfies and get 100 matches in a day.

bruh <6’2” gtfo bruh