Dealing with jealous friends?

[deleted895369]

So I have a non MD-seeking friend who is a physics major and we have two core STEM classes together, both this semester and last semester. She casually admitted to me last year that she found it hard not to be super competitive with me. I clearly know she is smarter than me as she has a stellar GPA and I have no issue with that. Yet at the same time, she thinks I am super intelligent (not true, lol just a hard worker).
The issue is that she has started displaying jealous behavior like downplaying me when I answer something correctly, like "duh, that's so obvious". When she saw my homework score for a physics assignment recently, she whipped out her calculator and calculated my percentage before she even calculated hers. To be honest, even though we are good friends, I'm getting weird vibes from her, and kind of don't want her to be using me as a source of unhealthy competition.
So, while not a pre-med question directly, I know there are a ton of jealous pre-meds that others may have dealt with and could shed some light on this situation. I don't want to sever this friendship completely, but I just need practical tips as to how to deal with a jealous friend. Thank you

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[SpoiledMilk]

Your friend has insecurities, and she is manifesting them passive-aggressively. The adult thing to do if you really value this friendship is to sit her down and speak to her about what is on your mind and how it makes you feel.

Hopefully she will understand and stop the behavior. If not, then you need to reevaluate whether the friendship is worth continuing...

 

[shisong]

tell them to 5-FU

 

[calivianya]

I just would stop discussing grades and things with her. Put your papers away quickly so she can't see them, don't pull up your grades on your computer when she's nearby. Just say, "I did alright/I'm happy with my grade," when/if she asks about your performance. If she has any sort of social awareness, she'll get the hint and confronting her about her behavior won't be necessary.

 

[Robin-jay]

just restrain from grade sharing or working together.

 

[Robin-jay]

tell them to 5-FU

Whats the "5" mean?

 

[HomeSkool]

Whats the "5" mean?

He's referencing 5-fluorouracil, a chemotherapeutic agent. @shisong's post was actually pretty brilliant.

@betalactam: The best way to handle this is to worry about yourself, not her. I wouldn't even talk to her about it unless she starts tearing you down. Her insecurities are hers, they needn't be yours, and you can choose to be impervious to them. The fact that she's competitive with you means she sees you as a good yardstick with which to measure her own performance; take that as the (probably unintended) compliment that it is and keep doing the best you can. Medicine is full of type A personalities, and you'll be miserable if you get bent out of shape any time a friend is passive-aggressively competing with you.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

He's referencing 5-fluorouracil, a chemotherapeutic agent. @shisong's post was actually pretty brilliant.

@betalactam: The best way to handle this is to worry about yourself, not her. I wouldn't even talk to her about it unless she starts tearing you down. Her insecurities are hers, they needn't be yours, and you can choose to be impervious to them. The fact that she's competitive with you means she sees you as a good yardstick with which to measure her own performance; take that as the (probably unintended) compliment that it is and keep doing the best you can. Medicine is full of type A personalities, and you'll be miserable if you get bent out of shape any time a friend is passive-aggressively competing with you.

I agree or disagree depending on how good of a friend she is. If she’s just a school friend whose friendship you aren’t seriously invested in, then I agree. Just don’t share grades and take it as a compliment that she sees you as someone to compete against.

If you really value her friendship, I would talk to her about it. Part of being an adult is having adult conversations. It doesn’t have to be adversarial or accusatory. The conversation can even mostly be about how smart you think she is. She may feel insecure and just need reassurance because she doesn’t think she’s up to snuff. Or she may be toxic and hyper competitive, in which case it will help you decide whether you really want to be friends with her or not.

 

[On_The_Way_Up]

Sometimes you can’t be friends. I’ve had a jealous friend. People are telling you to not discuss grades with her and hide your schoolwork. But you shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells around her. I finally stopped being friends. This person got to the point where they were happy if something bad happened to me or if I didn’t do well. You don’t need or want a friend like that.

 

[Goro]

So I have a non MD-seeking friend who is a physics major and we have two core STEM classes together, both this semester and last semester. She casually admitted to me last year that she found it hard not to be super competitive with me. I clearly know she is smarter than me as she has a stellar GPA and I have no issue with that. Yet at the same time, she thinks I am super intelligent (not true, lol just a hard worker).
The issue is that she has started displaying jealous behavior like downplaying me when I answer something correctly, like "duh, that's so obvious". When she saw my homework score for a physics assignment recently, she whipped out her calculator and calculated my percentage before she even calculated hers. To be honest, even though we are good friends, I'm getting weird vibes from her, and kind of don't want her to be using me as a source of unhealthy competition.
So, while not a pre-med question directly, I know there are a ton of jealous pre-meds that others may have dealt with and could shed some light on this situation. I don't want to sever this friendship completely, but I just need practical tips as to how to deal with a jealous friend. Thank you

Somebody who does this to you is NOT a friend.

A jealous friend is NOT a friend.

Capeesh?

If not, at least, open your mouth and tel her that her behavior is upsetting you.

 

[Microbug]

Friend: A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection

Neither the word mutual nor affection seems to exist in your situation

 

[willow84]

I think everyone else has given good advice. If she is someone that you want to continue a friendship with, you need to sit her down and tell her how her insecurities and behavior is affecting you and your friendship. If you don't want this nonsense in your life then add distance. This journey is stressful enough without toxic people trying to push their negativity onto you.

 

[Dwight Snoot]

Let her know how you feel and go from there. No sense keeping your emotions to yourself

 

[DokterMom]

"It really bugs me when you do that, and come to think of it, it's probably not very healthy for you -- know what I mean?"

 

[Spectar]

You don't want jealous friends around you. It's not worth the risk of catching the evil eye