Depressed during spouses residency

[SpouseOfMD]

I don't expect anyone to have an answer but I am just feeling very alone. My BF and I have been together for three years, and I helped to support him when he did not get a residency during his first match. He is now halfway through his PG1 year, and it seems to be going very well for him. I, on the other hand, have not been able to create a life in our new city. I went from a major metropolis where I was a student, to a tiny city where I have not been able to find a job in my field. I went from living in a place with a support network to a place where I know no one. Finally, and perhaps most alienating of all, I am currently learning how to drive, and in this new city there is almost no public transportation, so I can't go anywhere. I have suggested moving closer to town or that I work on a third degree and get a job out of my field (zoology) so that when we move elsewhere I will still be relevant, but he worries about the cost.
He and the other male residents keep trying to push their GF's and wives into being friends, but none of us have clicked, and more importantly, we are not 6-year-olds going to a party with the promise of "kids your age" being there! I have joined clubs, started volunteering, and tried to make friends, but this whole city feels like an opiate strewn, post-apocalyptic, wasteland. I am not discounting the fact that some of this could be SAD (terrible winter) or exhaustion from finishing my master's thesis a month ago. I need him to stop worrying about money, I have no student debt, and if I do another degree, the amount I would add to our debt is almost negligible in comparison to his med school debt. I have told this to him, but he keeps just worrying about the money. I feel like a woman in a tower, and I hate it. How have other people dealt with this alienation?

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[deleted480308]

I don't expect anyone to have an answer but I am just feeling very alone. My BF and I have been together for three years, and I helped to support him when he did not get a residency during his first match. He is now halfway through his PG1 year, and it seems to be going very well for him. I, on the other hand, have not been able to create a life in our new city. I went from a major metropolis where I was a student, to a tiny city where I have not been able to find a job in my field. I went from living in a place with a support network to a place where I know no one. Finally, and perhaps most alienating of all, I am currently learning how to drive, and in this new city there is almost no public transportation, so I can't go anywhere. I have suggested moving closer to town or that I work on a third degree and get a job out of my field (zoology) so that when we move elsewhere I will still be relevant, but he worries about the cost.
He and the other male residents keep trying to push their GF's and wives into being friends, but none of us have clicked, and more importantly, we are not 6-year-olds going to a party with the promise of "kids your age" being there! I have joined clubs, started volunteering, and tried to make friends, but this whole city feels like an opiate strewn, post-apocalyptic, wasteland. I am not discounting the fact that some of this could be SAD (terrible winter) or exhaustion from finishing my master's thesis a month ago. I need him to stop worrying about money, I have no student debt, and if I do another degree, the amount I would add to our debt is almost negligible in comparison to his med school debt. I have told this to him, but he keeps just worrying about the money. I feel like a woman in a tower, and I hate it. How have other people dealt with this alienation?

Your name is spouse of MD but he is your boyfriend.....?

Get some mental health counseling

Go to school if you want to go to school, he’s a boyfriend not a dad

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Learn driving ASAP and make plans to visit your old friends. Also, you should tell your bf how you are feeling and explain to him that throwing you to the herd of doctors’ wives doesn’t substitute for his time with you. He needs to dedicate some of his time for your relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[arcus]

How have other people dealt with this alienation?

My husband followed me to medical school and he gave up a lot as well. He is an introvert and does not do well in social circles. Church has been a god-send for him. We worship together on Sundays and he has met a lot of great people via church activities. Additionally he adopted an intense cardiovascular exercise routine and it has done him a great deal of good in burning off the blues. He is thin naturally and not at all overweight, but exercises just to keep the serotonin away. He loves it. IOW, he has found new outlets.

We also have to schedule intimate time together as in sex. When intimacy time comes, everything is put on hold to meet those needs. That is a rule in our relationship

He couldnt be happier and our relationship is strong.

I hope this helps

 

[Saddleshoes]

but this whole city feels like an opiate strewn, post-apocalyptic, wasteland. QUOTE]

Would love to hear the name of this city now!

 

[frugalphysiciansblog]

Hi there! I can relate. I recently relocated for my husband's fellowship training as well. I am started the non-traditional pre-med journey myself.
Your SO is in residency for a finite number of years - do your best to make the most of these few years he has in training but remember that it's not a permanent placement. It helps to have frequent and open conversations about what type of location you'd like to be after the training process. Get a sense of why he'd like to stay in a smaller locale vs. larger city. Not all cities are high cost of living.
As for money worries, it's understandable that he may feel anxious about his med student loans. Come up with a game plan as to how the two of you can tackle his loans and possibly your loans together. Make a budget for your financial situation now and a hypothetical one for when he's done with training - there will likely be some trade-offs. It helps if you guys agree on what they are.

 

[J ROD]

First, learn how to drive so you are not isolated. Then, try and find others that enjoy what you do. If you want to go back to school, then do it. But don't just do it to give yourself something to do. Consider talking to a therapist and perhaps SSRI. And most all, talk to your SO and let them know you need more from them.

 

[hell0_w0rld]

When my wife was in her postbac program I went through a lot of the same emotions. I ended up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks - so I will try to offer some advice I wish I had before then.

1. What you are going through is really difficult and it is okay that it is difficult. You have moved to a strange city and the one constant from your old home is no longer emotionally available to support you. There is no situation where this is an easy transition. A big part of my progress forward in the last six months was just accepting that it was hard.

2. Find a good therapist. Getting a good therapist can be difficult so take your time - but the right therapist can make a huge difference.

3. Get out of the house. I know you said you are doing a lot, just continue to do that.

4. Build a community. My wife and I have lived in 5 cities in 4 years of marriage. It takes us about 8 - 12 months to really find "our people" in a new place. If you are going out and participating in the community, you will eventually make friends.

5. Reach out to family and friends from your old life. Lean on anyone you can who isn't your partner.

6. Have frank and honest conversations with your partner, regularly. Because he is so busy, a lot of responsibilities will fall on you. That doesn't mean EVERYTHING should fall on you. And, you are still allowed to ask for things in the relationship. His career is not more important than you.

7. Schedule sex. It sounds unsexy, but the more sex you have the more sex you'll want to have and the better you'll feel.

8. Don't listen to sb247 - they are an dingus (although I guess what could you expect from someone with "Galt Gulch" in their profile).

 

[deleted480308]

When my wife was in her postbac program I went through a lot of the same emotions. I ended up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks - so I will try to offer some advice I wish I had before then.

1. What you are going through is really difficult and it is okay that it is difficult. You have moved to a strange city and the one constant from your old home is no longer emotionally available to support you. There is no situation where this is an easy transition. A big part of my progress forward in the last six months was just accepting that it was hard.

2. Find a good therapist. Getting a good therapist can be difficult so take your time - but the right therapist can make a huge difference.

3. Get out of the house. I know you said you are doing a lot, just continue to do that.

4. Build a community. My wife and I have lived in 5 cities in 4 years of marriage. It takes us about 8 - 12 months to really find "our people" in a new place. If you are going out and participating in the community, you will eventually make friends.

5. Reach out to family and friends from your old life. Lean on anyone you can who isn't your partner.

6. Have frank and honest conversations with your partner, regularly. Because he is so busy, a lot of responsibilities will fall on you. That doesn't mean EVERYTHING should fall on you. And, you are still allowed to ask for things in the relationship. His career is not more important than you.

7. Schedule sex. It sounds unsexy, but the more sex you have the more sex you'll want to have and the better you'll feel.

8. Don't listen to sb247 - they are an dingus (although I guess what could you expect from someone with "Galt Gulch" in their profile).

What part of my post do you disagree with?

 

[hell0_w0rld]

What part of my post do you disagree with?

Your tone. You sound as if you have zero compassion.

You are responding to a person who is dealing with depression of some kind, responding with, "he’s a boyfriend not a dad" is flippant and unhelpful.

On my thread a while back about my stress around my wife's application you said, "It’s worse for her than you. Just be a nice guy and don’t bring it up a lot."

In another thread I saw you being flippant about someone's relationship because you thought they weren't married.

Medical school is difficult. If you don't have anything constructive or at least kind to those of us supporting our significant other's through the process - kindly **** off.

 

[deleted480308]

Your tone. You sound as if you have zero compassion.

You are responding to a person who is dealing with depression of some kind, responding with, "he’s a boyfriend not a dad" is flippant and unhelpful.

On my thread a while back about my stress around my wife's application you said, "It’s worse for her than you. Just be a nice guy and don’t bring it up a lot."

In another thread I saw you being flippant about someone's relationship because you thought they weren't married.

Medical school is difficult. If you don't have anything constructive or at least kind to those of us supporting our significant other's through the process - kindly **** off.

Text is a poor conveyor of tone so it’s counter productive to guess that I have ill intent but to address your specific points:
1)”he’s a boyfriend, not a dad”.....I stand by that. It means you are an adult and have to make the decisions that work for your life without requiring permission. A boyfriend should not have veto power over your decisions.
2)concerning your wife’s stress as the applicant being worse than yours as an applicant’s spouse.... I stand by that. Yours can be real and legitimate but you weren’t under the pressure she was there.
3)concerning boyfriend/girlfriend relationships not being as permanent or worth basing decisions on as a marriage.... I stand by that. I simply don’t think they are

You are evidently using your right to disagree, I’m fine with that disagreement. But just because it isn’t what you want to hear doesn’t mean it isn’t actually supportive or good advice. Do with it what you will

 

[hell0_w0rld]

There is zero compassion coming from your writing. It looks like you are on this site because you are applying to/going to medical school. I hope that you take some time to evaluate how you respond to people who are hurting. If you don't your bedside manner will suffer. What may seem like a dose of tough love to you can be damaging to people who are struggling with depression.

Your responses to my examples only prove my point.

"A boyfriend should not have veto power over your decisions."

When you are in a committed relationship, life is more complicated than "I want to go to school." "I don't want you to go to school." "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR." By giving a simple answer, you are denying the complexity of human relationships and making unchecked assumptions about the power dynamics of their relationship. So while you're answer may not be technically wrong, it lacks nuance.

"you weren’t under the pressure she was there."

Really? How do you know what I experienced? I moved across the country to a town where I knew nobody, where there was no built-in community for me (school). I worked from home for a company back on the west coast. I suffer from life-long depression, and I had to find a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. I also was now in charge of all the domestic work which was a new thing for me - we used to split it more-or-less evenly. So maybe we were under a different kind of pressure but saying that it was somehow *less* ignores, once again, the nuance of human emotion.

"concerning boyfriend/girlfriend relationships not being as permanent or worth basing decisions on as a marriage."

Look, I've been married for going on five years. I love marriage. It works for my wife and me. It is not for everyone. I have lots of friends who are in life-long committed relationships but aren't "married." I have friends who are married who only refer to their significant other as "partner." And I have friends who were married and have since gotten divorced. Deciding for someone else what their relationship means to them lacks nuance.

If you are going to medical school, I hope the next few years of your life help you mature because your views on the world are hopelessly shallow and lacking in nuance. And, until you grow up, I beg you to stop giving advice to people struggling with mental-illness.

 

[deleted480308]

There is zero compassion coming from your writing. It looks like you are on this site because you are applying to/going to medical school. I hope that you take some time to evaluate how you respond to people who are hurting. If you don't your bedside manner will suffer. What may seem like a dose of tough love to you can be damaging to people who are struggling with depression.

Your responses to my examples only prove my point.

"A boyfriend should not have veto power over your decisions."

When you are in a committed relationship, life is more complicated than "I want to go to school." "I don't want you to go to school." "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR." By giving a simple answer, you are denying the complexity of human relationships and making unchecked assumptions about the power dynamics of their relationship. So while you're answer may not be technically wrong, it lacks nuance.

"you weren’t under the pressure she was there."

Really? How do you know what I experienced? I moved across the country to a town where I knew nobody, where there was no built-in community for me (school). I worked from home for a company back on the west coast. I suffer from life-long depression, and I had to find a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. I also was now in charge of all the domestic work which was a new thing for me - we used to split it more-or-less evenly. So maybe we were under a different kind of pressure but saying that it was somehow *less* ignores, once again, the nuance of human emotion.

"concerning boyfriend/girlfriend relationships not being as permanent or worth basing decisions on as a marriage."

Look, I've been married for going on five years. I love marriage. It works for my wife and me. It is not for everyone. I have lots of friends who are in life-long committed relationships but aren't "married." I have friends who are married who only refer to their significant other as "partner." And I have friends who were married and have since gotten divorced. Deciding for someone else what their relationship means to them lacks nuance.

If you are going to medical school, I hope the next few years of your life help you mature because your views on the world are hopelessly shallow and lacking in nuance. And, until you grow up, I beg you to stop giving advice to people struggling with mental-illness.

It’s an internet forum. You have to listen to opinions you may not agree with, evaluate it for potential worth or discard it.

Your call either way, I stand by my points

 

[hell0_w0rld]

When you respond to someone suffering from mental illness I encourage you to consider your words more carefully in the future.

 

[deleted480308]

When you respond to someone suffering from mental illness I encourage you to consider your words more carefully in the future.

There is an “ignore” feature should you feel you need it

 

[hell0_w0rld]

It isn't me that I'm worried about.

 

[BGDino]

I’m one half of a two doctor couple - my husband is in his second last year of general surgery training and it has involved months of rotation to rural hospitals hundreds of miles from home and crazy long hours. I joke that whenever someone gets into the training their spouse should go through an informed consent process.

The reason we’re still happily married is a combination of me being supportive of him and him acknowledging that his training is very hard on me and requires me to make sacrifices too, and making emotional support for me a priority. OP, it’s hard and it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s hard. I think your boyfriend needs to make your emotional support more of a priority.

sb247, I hope that if you’re lucky enough to have a supportive partner throughout the journey that is a career in medicine, that you recognise how important it is to support that person and look after them as they look after you.

 

[deleted480308]

I’m one half of a two doctor couple - my husband is in his second last year of general surgery training and it has involved months of rotation to rural hospitals hundreds of miles from home and crazy long hours. I joke that whenever someone gets into the training their spouse should go through an informed consent process.

The reason we’re still happily married is a combination of me being supportive of him and him acknowledging that his training is very hard on me and requires me to make sacrifices too, and making emotional support for me a priority. OP, it’s hard and it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s hard. I think your boyfriend needs to make your emotional support more of a priority.

sb247, I hope that if you’re lucky enough to have a supportive partner throughout the journey that is a career in medicine, that you recognise how important it is to support that person and look after them as they look after you.

My marriage is going quite well, thank you

 

[RNtoMD87]

I don't expect anyone to have an answer but I am just feeling very alone. My BF and I have been together for three years, and I helped to support him when he did not get a residency during his first match. He is now halfway through his PG1 year, and it seems to be going very well for him. I, on the other hand, have not been able to create a life in our new city. I went from a major metropolis where I was a student, to a tiny city where I have not been able to find a job in my field. I went from living in a place with a support network to a place where I know no one. Finally, and perhaps most alienating of all, I am currently learning how to drive, and in this new city there is almost no public transportation, so I can't go anywhere. I have suggested moving closer to town or that I work on a third degree and get a job out of my field (zoology) so that when we move elsewhere I will still be relevant, but he worries about the cost.
He and the other male residents keep trying to push their GF's and wives into being friends, but none of us have clicked, and more importantly, we are not 6-year-olds going to a party with the promise of "kids your age" being there! I have joined clubs, started volunteering, and tried to make friends, but this whole city feels like an opiate strewn, post-apocalyptic, wasteland. I am not discounting the fact that some of this could be SAD (terrible winter) or exhaustion from finishing my master's thesis a month ago. I need him to stop worrying about money, I have no student debt, and if I do another degree, the amount I would add to our debt is almost negligible in comparison to his med school debt. I have told this to him, but he keeps just worrying about the money. I feel like a woman in a tower, and I hate it. How have other people dealt with this alienation?

I'm not trying to be mean but how do you not know how to drive at this point in your life?

 

[Dejavu]

I'm not trying to be mean but how do you not know how to drive at this point in your life?

I don't know for sure, but I bet half of New York doesn't know how to drive.

 

[RNtoMD87]

Wow, that makes sense but I never thought of that before,