Feelings About Exs

[Yah-E]

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I need your opinions ladies and gents....should your current significant others be friends with their exs? What I mean is that they hang out, talk on the phone, text message, and/or meet for dinners and lunches? I can see why if they have children together, but if they don't, do you feel like they should in each others' lives?

I've always been a person who strongly believe that what happened in the past should stay in the past unless children are involved. Some say that since you've invested all that history together, at least you should be friends! I don't believe in that. Things have broken up for a reason and exs should not be hanging out together as "friends".

I recently gotten into a serious, relationship detrimental argument with my GF because her ex just recently came back into her life and she wants me to accept her friendship with her ex. This guy took her forever to get over and I still believe she has reminant feelings for him. She tells me that she has no feelings for him anymore, but I find that hard to believe. She went to lunch with him without telling me and only told me after the fact when she was under the influence. We gotten into this huge fight last night because I found out she had called him to chat!

She said that if I want to date her, then I have to accept this friendship with her and her ex. What a bunch of bullsh1t! I need your opinions! 😡

 

[thirdunity]

It's all a matter of context.

The problem with your g/f isn't that she is friends with her ex. Plenty of people stay friends with exes, especially if they were friends *before* they got together. It's not easy but it happens. Sometimes a friendship is worth preserving, but we never should've *gotten* with the person.

The real problem is the *context* of this friendship. She had strong feelings for this gy before, and now she sees this guy and doesn't tell you about it, and has secret communications with him. This would be a concern.

It may be that she is trying to work out old feelings. It may also be that now that she's "taken", suddenly she's more attractive to the ex - and the moment she is actually available again, he'll just dump her again. I've seen this game too many times.

Careful. You don't want to seem like a jealous prick, but on the other hand, you don't want to seem like a doormat, either.

I wish I knew what to tell you, other than that.

 

[Yah-E]

The real problem is the *context* of this friendship. She had strong feelings for this gy before, and now she sees this guy and doesn't tell you about it, and has secret communications with him. This would be a concern.

It may be that she is trying to work out old feelings. It may also be that now that she's "taken", suddenly she's more attractive to the ex - and the moment she is actually available again, he'll just dump her again. I've seen this game too many times.

Careful. You don't want to seem like a jealous prick, but on the other hand, you don't want to seem like a doormat, either.

She claims that she usually doesn't talk to exs unless her feelings are completely gone for them. So when she does finally talk and hang with the exs, she no longer has feelings for them. This is all dandy, but you don't just go to lunch with your ex and calls him out of the blue to chat. She doesn't keep these events from me, but only informs me after the fact. Her ex actually has a GF, but he talks negative about her to my ex.

I absolutely can't stand the fact that my ex still wants her ex in our lives, I actually broke us up last night because of this. I'm sorry, call me insecure or whatever, but I don't want to deal with this crap. I was her friend first and she used to tell me all about this guy and how much she loves him, even after they have broken up. I will miss the heck out of her, but I don't want to deal with her and her feelings for her ex.

Don't you think that if she cared for my feelings that she would try to change for us? How can she give me an ultimatum saying if you want to date me, then you'll have to accept the fact that her ex and her will be friends.

 

[brotherbloat]

I think that one should have no relationship whatsoever with their exes. It's just not fair to the other partner. I don't even have any male friends, let alone exes. I don't think that having a friend of the opposite sex once you're engaged or married is appropriate. I'm married, and I only hang out with women. And my hubby only hangs out with men. I would feel that it was completely inappropriate for either of us to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex.

Besides engagement and marriage, I do feel that it's just not fair for the other partner to have to endure the complicated aspects of being friends with an ex. Why even plant any seeds in your sig o's head?

I would suggest you tell your girlfriend that it really bothers you if she is friendly with an ex, and the fact that she went to lunch with him without telling you is a really bad sign. Anything like that that someone purposely keeps from their partner is because they know they're doing something evil.

Cheers,

-BB

 

[Yah-E]

I would suggest you tell your girlfriend that it really bothers you if she is friendly with an ex, and the fact that she went to lunch with him without telling you is a really bad sign. Anything like that that someone purposely keeps from their partner is because they know they're doing something evil.

Cheers,

-BB

THANK YOU! My thoughts exactly! I did tell my "ex" (I broke it off last night)that I didn't like the fact that she wants to be friends with her ex. She pretty said, "take it or leave it", guess what, I left it! I have no time to deal with that.

 

[brotherbloat]

If your girlfriend had said, "I'd like to meet up with my ex Bob for a friendly lunch, and you're perfectly welcome to come along," well, that would be one thing (still not great but okay.) And if she had agreed that she would only see him in group situations with you coming along as her main man (such as a couples dinner or drinks) that would probably be ok too. However, I truly think the fact that she wasn't 100% open about it up front means that she does still have feelings for him and feels guilty about the lunch since she didn't just come right out and tell you. I think you did the right thing by breaking it off. Sneaking around is something no one should have to deal with.

 

[tlew12778]

The fact that her attitude was "take it or leave it" would bother me. That, in addition to the fact that she would tell you after the fact. She should have had more respect for your relationship to take your sentiments into consideration IMO.

Granted, I do think that on some subconsious level, some insecurity on your part is involved, but I think that, given the circumstances, anyone would feel that way.

 

[GeneGoddess]

My husband is "best friends" with his first girlfriend (and yes, I mean first in the way you are thinking). They went out in college, broke up and hated each other, and then decided to be friends. She's like his sister and is very nice. I feel absolutely no threat because there isn't one. My spouse has told me that he can't even think about her romantically anymore. She was a bridemaid in our wedding (I insisted upon it) and we were attendants in her wedding two years later.

I'm secure in my relationship, but you obviously were not. My husband knew his best friend for eight years before he met me, and was best friends with her for 6 of them. She's called him before, crying about breaking up with some jerk. And after she found out he was dating me, spoke to me on the phone once (she lives far away), she started pestering him that I was *the one* and he better marry me quick. Seriously. She was very worried that I would be jealous and would apologize if she called to cry about the latest jerk (there were a string of them) and I would ask if she would rather cry to another girl about all men or just b*tch to her best friend. And it ended up being about a 30/70 split. She has been living about 1500mi away since I've been with my husband (which some of you may think is the reason I "tolerate" her), but now we are moving for residency and will be about 1hr away. I'm thrilled (as is my spouse), since they've been apart for about 6 years. She and her husband are planning for kids any day now, so I'm hoping that we'll "share" maternity clothes (we're the same size) and trade baby stories.

They way I look at it, there must have been SOMETHING about your SO's ex that made them date. And if their relationship is better platonic (and some are), there is no reason that they shouldn't be friends. If your SO has a history of cheating, that's another story. But if you trust each other, what's the problem? I mean, is someone she KNOWS a bigger threat than a stranger hitting on her on the street? If you trust her to turn down a stranger on the street, why not an ex?

 

[CoffeeMug]

I feel absolutely no threat because there isn't one.

It's not your husband you should worry about, it's the devil inside him. It's like smoking. Does anybody ever *really* quit?

 

[GeneGoddess]

It's not your husband you should worry about, it's the devil inside him. It's like smoking. Does anybody ever *really* quit?

So we should never trust anyone? Because everyone, eventually, is going to cheat?

 

[CoffeeMug]

So we should never trust anyone? Because everyone, eventually, is going to cheat?

Would you trust a smoker not to smoke if he kept cigarettes in his pocket?

 

[GeneGoddess]

Well, my husband DOES have a penis (though it is larger than a cigarette). I suppose that there is then a risk that said penis would end up somewhere it shouldn't be.

As I said, trusting a cheater is different than trusting someone who has never cheated. The OP never said if his girlfriend had ever cheated, but I assume that she didn't. But he pitched a fit because there was a risk. I don't have a problem with my spouse being friends with women, even exes, because he's never done anything to make anybody think that he would cheat. Do you honestly think that everyone would cheat, given the chance? That's pretty sad.

 

[CoffeeMug]

Well, my husband DOES have a penis (though it is larger than a cigarette). I suppose that there is then a risk that said penis would end up somewhere it shouldn't be.

Precisely.

Do you honestly think that everyone would cheat, given the chance?

Not given the chance. Given the right set of circumstances. If you two have a fight and she has a fight with her husband, they'll likely end up together talking about it over a drink. Two broken hearts of opposite sex sharing their pain over a drink is just asking for trouble. Depending on how you look at it, it's a curse or a wonder that given the right circumstances the situation takes control of the people, and not the other way around. The only way to avoid trouble is to cut off potential to get into such circumstances at the root. Otherwise, you're just asking for it.

 

[SaraL124]

I completely agree with GeneGoddess. My fiance has a few female friends that he has known since before we were dating. Although sometimes, I get a little cranky if he goes to see them or hang out, it's only because I'm selfish about my time with him. I don't think he will ever cheat on me with them. Our relationship is completely open and honest and we don't have any secrest from each other. I have a few male friends, who I see on occassion, and most of the time my fiance is invited along, but even if I were to see them alone ( and some of them are ex-boyfriends), he would not object. The point is, if you are open and honest about everything, like planning to see a friend of the opposite sex before you actually do, there should be no room for worry. The problem arises when your SO doesn't tell you about it until afterwards. That's when you have to worry they are keeping it from you because they knew it was "cheating".

 

[SaraL124]

Precisely.

Not given the chance. Given the right set of circumstances. If you two have a fight and she has a fight with her husband, they'll likely end up together talking about it over a drink. Two broken hearts of opposite sex sharing their pain over a drink is just asking for trouble. Depending on how you look at it, it's a curse or a wonder that given the right circumstances the situation takes control of the people, and not the other way around. The only way to avoid trouble is to cut off potential to get into such circumstances at the root. Otherwise, you're just asking for it.

But you see, this is precisely it. GeneGoddess has said that she and her husband have a very mature and functional relationship and she and her partner trust each other.
If you wanted to cut off this above situation at the root, you would work things out with your husband and not end a fight when both of you are still angry. This way he would not need to call anyone (male or female) to have drinks with while bitching about you.

 

[CoffeeMug]

GeneGoddess has said that she and her husband have a very mature and functional relationship and she and her partner trust each other.

Does it mean they'll never have a serious fight?

If you wanted to cut off this above situation at the root, you would work things out with your husband and not end a fight when both of you are still angry.

People tend to do stupid things in the heat of the argument.

 

[brotherbloat]

How can a husband have a female friend--even though it's platonic--with someone he saw naked and/or had sex with????? I personally think this is impossible. When you're hanging out with her and your hubby, how can you not think about this--that he saw her naked and had sex with her, and maybe they even chat about this--their old sexual antics in days of yore? These thoughts would torment me, especially if the two of them hung out alone without me.

I think platonic friend are ok--not great--if your sig o invites you along too or if the sig o hangs out with the friend in a group setting only. I think that a married guy hanging out with a woman alone is not appropriate--especially if it's in someone's apartment/ home. I guess what really bothers me about the situation is when the talk turns to you. For example, say my husband hangs out with his best friend, who is female and/or an ex girffirend, and talks intimately about our marriage, our sex life, our problems, and/or things he doesn't like about me. That would be horrible. Don't you think?

It's not the risk of physical cheating that bothers me--that should be zero in a secure relationship. It's the risk of emotional cheating that bothers me--any intimate talk between a married/ committed relationship person and someone else is cheating in my book. Your spouse/ sig o should be the person you should confide all your intimate details to, not another friend.

Personally, as an unwritten rule in our relationship, neither my hubby nor I have any friends at all of the opposite sex. This is something that I initiated as important to me (not having male friends) and I guess he just unconsciously did it too. Actually, I took a poll of my female married friends on this same question a few months ago, and not one of them said it's ok to have a male platonic friend when you're engaged or married.

Of course, to each her own. But an interesting topic to discuss, that's for sure!

 

[CoffeeMug]

It's not the risk of physical cheating that bothers me--that should be zero in a secure relationship.

If you want a secure computer, don't connect it to the internet. If you want a secure relationship...

It's the risk of emotional cheating that bothers me--any intimate talk between a married/ committed relationship person and someone else is cheating in my book.

What if it's a person of the same sex? Would you treat that differently? I see what you're saying, just playing the devil's advocate for a moment.

Personally, as an unwritten rule in our relationship, neither my hubby nor I have any friends at all of the opposite sex.

That strikes me as a bit paranoid and draconian...

 

[brotherbloat]

As for what I wrote about not having any opposite sex friends, and you thinking that's bad, I ask you: why _should_ you need opposite sex friends in marriage/ committed relationship?

That's what I don't get. Why do you need them? I am all for same sex friends, but why bring all the potential problems/ jealousy, etc. that can come along with opposite sex friends into a relationship? I just think they're more trouble than they're worth.

 

[GeneGoddess]

How can a husband have a female friend--even though it's platonic--with someone he saw naked and/or had sex with????? I personally think this is impossible. When you're hanging out with her and your hubby, how can you not think about this--that he saw her naked and had sex with her, and maybe they even chat about this--their old sexual antics in days of yore? These thoughts would torment me, especially if the two of them hung out alone without me.

Oh my GOD! Do you mean to tell me that my husband may have had SEX before he met me??? He knows what another woman looks like NEKKID? EEEEW!!! Actually, we've talked about it before, and it's funny to watch them. They both get this vaguely distasteful look on their faces and say, "Wow...I can't even image having sex with you now!" But I've never really thought about it. When I see/talk to her, I just think "Cyndi", I don't think "my husband's devirginizer". And if I did, it's not a threat. It's a past event (like FIFTEEN YEARS past). I look back fondly at my first boyfriend and don't regret our time together. But I would never sleep with him again (no matter how much I drank). And unless your spouse is a complete virgin (and has never picked up a Playboy), he will know what another woman looks like without clothes.

It's the risk of emotional cheating that bothers me--any intimate talk between a married/ committed relationship person and someone else is cheating in my book. Your spouse/ sig o should be the person you should confide all your intimate details to, not another friend.

I can't imagine being so scared that I would refuse to be friends with half of the population because I may "get in a fight and get drunk". Or that I would be so controlling as to never permit my spouse to talk to a woman. One of my husband's former coworkers (she just moved to be with her SO) was all but a model. Picture a 6' gorgeous blonde, huge boobs, brains, and more money than God (and if she's reading this - I hate you! 😛 ). We both adore her and she's a great friend. But should I be standing in between my spouse and her "just in case"??? 🙄 And he has talked to her about fights we've had (and fights she had with her SO). And it was to get a female perspective (a la: I did this and she did this...was I an a$$?). Heck, he even talked to Cyndi (the best friend) about proposing, and she spent the entire time telling him he better or she would kick his butt.

Friends of the opposite sex are no threat unless you make them one.

 

[GeneGoddess]

As for what I wrote about not having any opposite sex friends, and you thinking that's bad, I ask you: why _should_ you need opposite sex friends in marriage/ committed relationship?

That's what I don't get. Why do you need them? I am all for same sex friends, but why bring all the potential problems/ jealousy, etc. that can come along with opposite sex friends into a relationship? I just think they're more trouble than they're worth.

Men and women are different. Sometimes it's nice to get an opinion from "the other side". Also, I love fishing. And let me tell you how many of my girlfriends are capable of jumping over the side of a boat and wadefishing all day long: NONE! I fish with my husband (who loves it, too, thank god). But I fish with other (male) friends, too. And if my husband can't go one day, it may be just me and some guys. Those are two valid examples.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Oh, and something truly weird: Cyndi (the best friend) married a guy I went to high school with. This is strange only because she's from the midwest, knew my husband in SoCal, and I went to HS in Texas. Small world. Anyway, I *think* I once hit on her now-husband when I was a freshman in HS (yes, fourteen). Of course, this was in the 80's, so I don't really remember...but we were in a club in HS together. Gee, I hope she doesn't feel threatened that I hit on her spouse once... 🙂

 

[rpkall]

THANK YOU! My thoughts exactly! I did tell my "ex" (I broke it off last night)that I didn't like the fact that she wants to be friends with her ex. She pretty said, "take it or leave it", guess what, I left it! I have no time to deal with that.

Dude. Don't feel bad about the breakup at all. This situation sounds like it had to end this way. The real issue, I think, is that she needed a reason to break up with you so she could be single again for this guy who probably wants to dump his current GF anyway and the two of them can be all "omg, i can't believe things worked out this way it must be fate OMG after all this time we found our way back to each other" and crap. Obviously, it's her fault you broke up with her, but this way she can tell people that *you* couldn't handle her having male friends or something twisted and immature.

*vomit*

She didn't respect you throughout all of this, and I'm proud of you for breaking it off when she gave you an ultimatum.

Don't waste your time!@q(*&^#*&%@#%@^(*. You seem like a decent human being so I'm pretty sure you have a shot at something better out there.

 

[thirdunity]

Men and women are different. Sometimes it's nice to get an opinion from "the other side". Also, I love fishing. And let me tell you how many of my girlfriends are capable of jumping over the side of a boat and wadefishing all day long: NONE! I fish with my husband (who loves it, too, thank god). But I fish with other (male) friends, too. And if my husband can't go one day, it may be just me and some guys. Those are two valid examples.

With you on this, Genegoddess: most of my friends are men. My partner knew there was no threat. There is a "buddy vibe" with these friends that isn't generally there with my husband, because I am like "one of the guys" with these friends. I'm also a geek (into science, science fiction, computers) and a tomboy (into physically active types of things, and the outdoors). So yes. Not many of my friends are women, except the very few who are also geeks/tomboys. I like to get together and go hiking or do *activities*, not get together and bash men/talk about lipstick brands.

Some people - particularly from more conservative backgrounds, they didn't *see* workable male-female friendship growing up - just don't have a database for male-female friendship. It's possible that it's just not possible for *these* people.

I can be friends with an ex, because the idea of having had sex with somebody once or having had them see me naked, just isn't this world-shaking traumatic event. So what?? I've gone "skinny dipping" with platonic friends who *stayed* that. I used to go to a clothing-optional spa, should I also not be friends with *those* people because we've seen each other naked??

 

[Yah-E]

GeneGoddess:

I praise your confidence in your relationship as you should, especially when you are married. In your hubby's situation, he was friends with his ex long before they dated and before he had met you, so I can totally see that it should be OK for you. Situation like that, I would be more understanding! With my ex, she dated his guy for roughly a year, broke up, she was sad and NOT over him for like 6 months and then her and I started to heat things up another 3 months after that.

A total of roughly 9 months from the time they broke up to when we started to date. Remind you, my ex and I were friends long before all this, I met her 3 years ago. So her ex is not like some long term friend first and then they started to date. Also, it's not like they were involved in a long term relationship of 3 years or whatever!

She simply went to lunch with him without informing me first and called him out of the blue to just chat! I'm sorry, I'm pissed about that crap. Then she tells me after the fact when she was under the influence! If exs are your long term friend, you share child(ren) together, or you've dated for over 3 years, then yes, I can understand all that. But in all other situations, exs should stay in the past! Although she has given me no reasons to believe that she is cheating, but like BrotherBloat said, why add another factor to the equation? I have no problem if her ex calls her, but for her to call him! C'MON! Why do you have to call him? If you still have feelings for him, then leave me out of it!

She stated over and over that she has no feelings left for him, I believe that's bullsh1t!

She stated over and over that she will remain friends with him and I should accept it.....bullsh1t!

She claims that she has never cheated on any of her boyfriends before...OK, I believe her....

There are other reasons that I've decided to break us up, but this was the last straw/icing on the cake!

Rpkall:

I don't believe that she wanted a reason to initiate a break up. She does have very deep feelings for me, although our fight the other night was pretty heated, but I know we both have very deep sincere feelings for one another. I just believe that she is simply too used to getting whatever and way she wants. She wants her ex in her life as a friend and me as her boyfriend, sorry Miss, I don't buy that.

I'm hurt right now because I know ended a "could've been" relationship with great potentials, but my insecurities and jealousy got the best of me. In the long run, I know this is the right thing to do. For her to dismiss my feelings towards this subject and disrespect me by going on "rendez vous" with her ex without informing me...sorry, no time to deal with this bullcrap.

Exs can only cause more harm than good in your new relationship, in my opinion. Simply look at the poll, more people don't want exs around period! This is exact reason why I started this thread/poll. I wanted to know how everyone else felt!

Again, if your ex is one or more of the following, then I can see a friendship after the relationship, I would have no complaints:

1) you share child(ren)
2) you dated for over 3+ years or whatever
3) you were friends long before you were a couple

But if you only dated for one measily year, were never friends in the first place, and you needed 6+ months to get over your ex, you don't need this ex back in your life when you are in a new relationship! It's either me (your future) or your ex (your past), that's how I see it.

 

[Doctobee]

THANK YOU! My thoughts exactly! I did tell my "ex" (I broke it off last night)that I didn't like the fact that she wants to be friends with her ex. She pretty said, "take it or leave it", guess what, I left it! I have no time to deal with that.

Good for you!!! "Take it or leave it" pretty much said how she felt about you. You dont' need someone like her. Instead, you need someone who will respect your feelings and respect you.

 

[GeneGoddess]

GeneGoddess:
I praise your confidence in your relationship as you should, especially when you are married. In your hubby's situation, he was friends with his ex long before they dated and before he had met you, so I can totally see that it should be OK for you.

Just a quick note of clarification: they met and were boyfriend/girlfriend FIRST, dated for a year or so, broke up and hated each other for a year, then became best friends. And since they met in 1990, it was a LOT of water under the bridge.

Fresh break-ups are different, since the emotions can be raw. I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out. Maybe it was meant to be that way (cheesy, I know). And there are exes that both he and I have that we wouldn't be friends with. One, in fact, I'd love to smack upside the head because she treated him like crap. And, of course, sometimes people are reluctant to let go. One of my exes calls me everytime he gets dumped (because he dumped me, feels guilty, must apologize, etc). He got married (which I was thrilled about) and a few years later, got a divorce (she had a miscarriage, cheated, went downhill from there, etc). He called me, bawling, because he didn't know who else to call. I've know this guy since I was FOURTEEN, longer than anyone else. Of course I'm going to talk to him! Heck, if he called me from jail, I'd bail him out in a heartbeat. So, this phonecall happens the week after my now-husband and I got engaged. Here I am, new ring on finger (living in sin already), trying to console my ex for non-me related reasons. Husband comes home from work, I scribble a brief synopsis, and he mouths "Do you want to invite him over / drive out to see him? I'll come with you if you want." (He lives about 3hrs away). Husband has never met this guy, but feels his pain (that's why I love him!).

Maybe it's because I'm older (I'm probably older than lots of people here - ugh), but the jealous tantrums that people threw in high school and college seem very far removed from me. My husband got hit on in front of me a few years ago (by an 18yo! 😱 ) and he was so shocked, he didn't know what to say ("Duh, have you met my wife?"). The girl laughed, said "Nice to meet you" and left. And I spent the rest of the day teasing him about cradle robbing! I guess what I'm trying to say is this: there is always going to be someone out there who will try to break up your relationship (you, your SO, someone else). But if the two people IN the relationship are committed to it and each other, nothing can break in. And to assume that a person of the opposite sex is automatically going to try and cause trouble (no matter HOW hot you or your SO are), is short-sighted. I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me and vice versa (and it sounds like you didn't trust your ex - though that MAY be with good reason). I'm thankful that I have a wonderful spouse and great friends of both genders.

 

[Mike84]

As for what I wrote about not having any opposite sex friends, and you thinking that's bad, I ask you: why _should_ you need opposite sex friends in marriage/ committed relationship?

That's what I don't get. Why do you need them? I am all for same sex friends, but why bring all the potential problems/ jealousy, etc. that can come along with opposite sex friends into a relationship? I just think they're more trouble than they're worth.

If you are in a committed relationship, hanging out w/ an opposite sex friend alone or being really good friends with an ex is just asking for trouble. Unfortunately, human beings are just that -- human -- and we all fall into lust and temptation. Heterosexual men and women are attracted to each other, and becoming close/baring your soul/sharing intimate details of your life in the wee hours of the morning more often than not causes you or the other person to start feeling certain things like "oh he really understands me"

The best way to not give in to temptation is to avoid temptation all together.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Heterosexual men and women are attracted to each other, and becoming close/baring your soul/sharing intimate details of your life in the wee hours of the morning more often than not causes you or the other person to start feeling certain things like "oh he really understands me".

Does that mean I should stop hanging out with my lesbian girlfriends? And what about the latent homosexual tendencies that one of my husband's coworkers has? Should I be worried if they go out for a beer? 🙄

 

[SaraL124]

. I guess what really bothers me about the situation is when the talk turns to you. For example, say my husband hangs out with his best friend, who is female and/or an ex girffirend, and talks intimately about our marriage, our sex life, our problems, and/or things he doesn't like about me. That would be horrible. Don't you think?

It's not the risk of physical cheating that bothers me--that should be zero in a secure relationship. It's the risk of emotional cheating that bothers me--any intimate talk between a married/ committed relationship person and someone else is cheating in my book. Your spouse/ sig o should be the person you should confide all your intimate details to, not another friend.

What is the difference between your husband talking trash about you to a female friend or ex-girlfriend and another male friend? If it's platonic, it's platonic no matter the gender of the friend.

I think people in this situation aren't really owrried that their spouse will cheat on them, but that maybe they might be tempted to cheat on their spouse.

 

[samenewme]

This discussion is very interesting to me, because I'm the "ex" in one of these equations. An old junior high school boyfriend googled me and we corresponded a little. He's hundreds of miles away, which is probably a good thing. In the middle of all this, I filed divorce, his marriage was hurting, and things suddenly got a little complicated.

Not a LOT complicated, but a little: He called me to cheer me up a couple of times when he was out of town on a trip (danger sign!) and I was extra stressed. I mentioned at one point that I was going to stop by a junkyard to pick up a new dome light fixture for my car because it was eating bulbs. He sent me a ten-pack of bulbs. Now, I'm sorry if you disagree, but to me that's romantic. So I sent him a little note kind of pointing out that something wasn't quite right here, and he insisted everything was fine, and then suddenly dear-johnned me (the nicest dear-john I've ever had in my life, too).

We started e-mailing again a couple of months later and now things are calm; he writes about his life, I write about mine, and if he bitches about his marriage I put on my "straight shooter" had and hold up a little mirror and point out where he's being unfair to her. I know if I become his soft shoulder for when he's mad at his wife either his marriage or our friendship will be irretrievably broken--maybe both. They're in marriage counseling now, and thank goodness for that!

And I never, ever plan to see him. An old boyfriend from a few years ago may be okay, but your first love? I think that kind of imprints on you. Fear the power of the puppy love. It's hard to make it stay dead.

You have to work out in your own relationship what's right for you, and you have to respect each other's needs and feelings. There are too many variables to resolve in a poll or to find one right answer in a bulletin board discussion.

 

[Yah-E]

This discussion is very interesting to me, because I'm the "ex" in one of these equations. An old junior high school boyfriend googled me and we corresponded a little. He's hundreds of miles away, which is probably a good thing. In the middle of all this, I filed divorce, his marriage was hurting, and things suddenly got a little complicated.

Not a LOT complicated, but a little: He called me to cheer me up a couple of times when he was out of town on a trip (danger sign!) and I was extra stressed. I mentioned at one point that I was going to stop by a junkyard to pick up a new dome light fixture for my car because it was eating bulbs. He sent me a ten-pack of bulbs. Now, I'm sorry if you disagree, but to me that's romantic. So I sent him a little note kind of pointing out that something wasn't quite right here, and he insisted everything was fine, and then suddenly dear-johnned me (the nicest dear-john I've ever had in my life, too).

We started e-mailing again a couple of months later and now things are calm; he writes about his life, I write about mine, and if he bitches about his marriage I put on my "straight shooter" had and hold up a little mirror and point out where he's being unfair to her. I know if I become his soft shoulder for when he's mad at his wife either his marriage or our friendship will be irretrievably broken--maybe both. They're in marriage counseling now, and thank goodness for that!

And I never, ever plan to see him. An old boyfriend from a few years ago may be okay, but your first love? I think that kind of imprints on you. Fear the power of the puppy love. It's hard to make it stay dead.

You have to work out in your own relationship what's right for you, and you have to respect each other's needs and feelings. There are too many variables to resolve in a poll or to find one right answer in a bulletin board discussion.

Now does his wife know that you two are in contact and he send you stuff? No wonder they're in counseling. I am willing to bet that his wife does not like the idea of you two in contact and that he confides in you. Thanks for you input, but at least you're not calling him and setting up "rendez vous"s! Good for you.

 

[samenewme]

Now does his wife know that you two are in contact and he send you stuff? No wonder they're in counseling. I am willing to bet that his wife does not like the idea of you two in contact and that he confides in you. Thanks for you input, but at least you're not calling him and setting up "rendez vous"s! Good for you.

Good question. I haven't asked and at this point I'm directing back to the marriage counselor any confidences more intimate than disputes over the color of the kitchen countertops. I wish you every good fortune in the future and hope you continue to be clear about what your needs, boundaries, and expectations are in relationships. You have to do what's right for you.

 

[snowhite]

I've always been a person who strongly believe that what happened in the past should stay in the past unless children are involved. Some say that since you've invested all that history together, at least you should be friends! I don't believe in that. Things have broken up for a reason and exs should not be hanging out together as "friends".

👍 I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Maybe there are a few circumstances in which I could see the point in being friends with an ex (such as the situation you described or if they'd been friends for a long time before they got together etc), but for the most part, I think it is foolish. Did you ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed?

(sorry if this has already been addressed. i didn't get a chance to read through all the responses.)

 

[snowhite]

I just read the updates. Yah-E, I think you did the right thing. I'm sure it was hard, but she REALLY isn't considering your feelings at all in this situation...so it's no longer just about the ex. It's about how she'll handle future situations with your feelings at stake. At least talks of compromise should have come up on her part, but it didn't seem like she was very flexible. I applaud you b/c I know that for a lot of people this would be something they couldn't stand up for. It takes a strong person to admit that they're being slighted and an ever stronger one to do something about it.

 

[Yah-E]

I just read the updates. Yah-E, I think you did the right thing. I'm sure it was hard, but she REALLY isn't considering your feelings at all in this situation...so it's no longer just about the ex. It's about how she'll handle future situations with your feelings at stake. At least talks of compromise should have come up on her part, but it didn't seem like she was very flexible. I applaud you b/c I know that for a lot of people this would be something they couldn't stand up for. It takes a strong person to admit that they're being slighted and an ever stronger one to do something about it.

Snowwhite:

Thanks for your kind words. It is really hard right now because I still have so much feelings for my girl even with all this crap going on. Her and I actually talked for the first time last night and we argued our respective views on things. She actually did say she's willing to compromise on issues. She continued to persist that there is absolutely nothing wrong about keeping her ex as friends, as she claimed that "it's not like they call one another all the time or they see each other all the time!" She wants me to trust her more than what I have showned lately.

In a way, she's right, she has given me no reason to not to trust her thus far. Sure she went to lunch with her ex without informing me, sure she disrespected me by doing that, but is it a big enough deal for me to over react and break us apart?

Right now, I'm really torn. Stay apart or be more understanding and try to patch things up. I stand what I believe, but I also miss us so much. Relationships, it's great to be in one, but it is pain in the @ss when you get into these little differences. I should trust her more and I want to. I asked her to be with me tonight to talk this morning, but she said we'll see after school tonight.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Her and I actually talked for the first time last night and we argued our respective views on things. She actually did say she's willing to compromise on issues. She continued to persist that there is absolutely nothing wrong about keeping her ex as friends, as she claimed that "it's not like they call one another all the time or they see each other all the time!" She wants me to trust her more than what I have showned lately.

In a way, she's right, she has given me no reason to not to trust her thus far. Sure she went to lunch with her ex without informing me, sure she disrespected me by doing that, but is it a big enough deal for me to over react and break us apart?

Right now, I'm really torn. Stay apart or be more understanding and try to patch things up. I stand what I believe, but I also miss us so much. Relationships, it's great to be in one, but it is pain in the @ss when you get into these little differences. I should trust her more and I want to. I asked her to be with me tonight to talk this morning, but she said we'll see after school tonight.

Good luck tonight. Just to help you understand where she may be coming from, I'll let you know what she MIGHT be thinking (if I were in her shoes).

You: you went to lunch with your ex without telling me!
Her: (You don't own me and I don't need your permission for anything)

You: I told you I didn't want you to see him!
Her: (Why are you threatened by him? And you don't own me)

You: You went to lunch with your ex!
Her: (I saw my friend, it was not a DATE)

You: You don't respect our relationship.
Her: (It was JUST lunch with a friend. Why is this a threat???)

You: I don't trust him! (he might still love you)
Her: (You don't trust ME!)

You: Why would you want to see an ex? He's in the past!
Her: (It might be nice to catch up. It doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with him!)

You: I don't want you to see him because I should be all you need!
Her: (Why don't you trust me? Do you really think I'm going to leave you for him?)

In no way am I saying that you said, thought, or will say/think those things. But if she were ME, I might be thinking those things. Try to remember that everyone has insecurities (me, you, everyone). And if she has never given you a reason to think she is cheating, trust that. Good luck!

 

[thirdunity]

Sorry, but here, I think it's your bad.

The issue isn't whether or not she saw the guy. The issue is how you're handling it.

The problem isn't that you dissapproved of her seeing the ex. Those are boundaries that every relationship has to negotiate. What's OK in the context of one relationship is often not OK in the context of another!

The problem is that you give a strong impression of ownership/entitlement, here. I'm with GeneGoddess on this. Your partner doesn't need to report to you every single one of her comings and goings - you're not her dad. That she didn't report something to you, isn't a betrayal.

All we can *ever* do is take our partner's word for it that they're not sleeping with someone. That's what trust is.

Your partner is a fully formed human being in your own right - not an extension of you.

 

[ice_23]

Sorry, but here, I think it's your bad.

The issue isn't whether or not she saw the guy. The issue is how you're handling it.

The problem isn't that you dissapproved of her seeing the ex. Those are boundaries that every relationship has to negotiate. What's OK in the context of one relationship is often not OK in the context of another!

The problem is that you give a strong impression of ownership/entitlement, here. I'm with GeneGoddess on this. Your partner doesn't need to report to you every single one of her comings and goings - you're not her dad. That she didn't report something to you, isn't a betrayal.

All we can *ever* do is take our partner's word for it that they're not sleeping with someone. That's what trust is.

Your partner is a fully formed human being in your own right - not an extension of you.

Then why the need for her to surreptitiously see her ex and chat, and then only tell Yah when she's under the influence?

If a man did this to a woman, many people would be calling him out on that, and the main issue would be trust. It's, oh he's not honest with me, he's a dog, sic a PI on him, do whatever it takes because trust is important (esp. because HE violated it).

But the other way around, now it's suddenly an issue of him "owning" her? Now it's about her being her own person and HE'S handling things improperly? Hmmm...

It seems to me, Yah, that she needs to be straight with you. Sure she says she's wants to hang out with her ex. But I know that even if I felt the way she does and my gf disagreed, I'd wait, try to work things out, and if there's still an issue, I'd break it off. I WOULD NOT go behind the back of my gf and do something that would obviously piss her off, and then hide it. That's problematic.

-Ice

 

[Yah-E]

GeneGoddess & Thirdunity

You two have strong points which I've been taken into consideration. As much as I don't like the idea of her hanging out with her ex, I realized now that I've made an assumption and I let my own insecurities get the best of me. Our recent breakup and fight was all amplified by me and my thoughts and I just hope it's not too late to save my relationship with her.

I'm not sure it if I'll get to see my girl tonight yet as she hasn't gotten back to me if she is willing to see me, but I know the damage is done and it's not looking good for the home team here. If there will be a "talk" tonight, it will not be a talk to try to convince her to change, but an opportunity to inform her of my feelings for us and how I intend to will work on my insecurities.

Although the reason that I was mad is legitimate, but my reactions were not. Wish me luck tonight! 😉

Ice:

I'm like you my man, only if our SO sees the way we see them. My girl have not done anything major for me to doubt her yet, I need to work on this.

 

[toothie]

GeneGoddess & Thirdunity

You two have strong points which I've been taken into consideration. As much as I don't like the idea of her hanging out with her ex, I realized now that I've made an assumption and I let my own insecurities get the best of me. Our recent breakup and fight was all amplified by me and my thoughts and I just hope it's not too late to save my relationship with her.

I'm not sure it if I'll get to see my girl tonight yet as she hasn't gotten back to me if she is willing to see me, but I know the damage is done and it's not looking good for the home team here. If there will be a "talk" tonight, it will not be a talk to try to convince her to change, but an opportunity to inform her of my feelings for us and how I intend to will work on my insecurities.

Although the reason that I was mad is legitimate, but my reactions were not. Wish me luck tonight! 😉

Ice:

I'm like you my man, only if our SO sees the way we see them. My girl have not done anything major for me to doubt her yet, I need to work on this.

the basis of any relationship is faitha nd confidence in each other...
it takes a long time to develope that confidence but seconds to loose it... and forever for the cracks to fill up.

If u truely care about her and trust her ... go for it .. it isnt easy finding the right person.
to be honest.. i wouldnt go meet my ex behind my Bfs back esp when i know how he feels about it and if i do make a mistake unknowingly i wont do it again...!!!! unless im not 100% sure of my present relationship!!!!

If u luv someone.. set her free..... IF she comes back to you.. she is yours forever , otherwise she was never yours to begin with...🙂

 

[Yah-E]

the basis of any relationship is faitha nd confidence in each other...
it takes a long time to develope that confidence but seconds to loose it... and forever for the cracks to fill up.

If u truely care about her and trust her ... go for it .. it isnt easy finding the right person.
to be honest.. i wouldnt go meet my ex behind my Bfs back esp when i know how he feels about it and if i do make a mistake unknowingly i wont do it again...!!!! unless im not 100% sure of my present relationship!!!!

If u luv someone.. set her free..... IF she comes back to you.. she is yours forever , otherwise she was never yours to begin with...🙂

Very true, very true. It's always like that in relationships! You can do a ton of good/positive things for years, but only takes one bad/negative event to ruin the whole relationship. I'm glad that you would consider and value your BF's feelings if he didn't like something. I only hope and wish that my girl can feel the same way. About your comment about setting the girl free and if she comes back....

Is it kind of like Jenny in Forest Gump? Forest always let her do her things, and at the end she came back to him, but also carried a disease and died! 😱 I believe this would be a way to test your relationship, but you must have also heard:

"Don't ever let someone special slip away!"

 

[toothie]

Very true, very true. It's always like that in relationships! You can do a ton of good/positive things for years, but only takes one bad/negative event to ruin the whole relationship. I'm glad that you would consider and value your BF's feelings if he didn't like something. I only hope and wish that my girl can feel the same way. About your comment about setting the girl free and if she comes back....

Is it kind of like Jenny in Forest Gump? Forest always let her do her things, and at the end she came back to him, but also carried a disease and died! 😱 I believe this would be a way to test your relationship, but you must have also heard:

"Don't ever let someone special slip away!"

hey .. by setting someone free doesnt mean that u drift apart to an extent that it ends the relation ..
and i absolutely agree... dont ever let someone special slip away....!!!
if she means the world to you... there are always small compromises that help and yet retain the beauty of the relationship without either person feeling hurt about having to give into the other persons thougths just to keep the relationship temorarily happy.

cause those suppresed feelings always come back later to nag you..
communication is the key ...
all the best.. its not easy finding true luv..!!!

 

[Saved Satan]

Good luck tonight. Just to help you understand where she may be coming from, I'll let you know what she MIGHT be thinking (if I were in her shoes).

You: you went to lunch with your ex without telling me!
Her: (You don't own me and I don't need your permission for anything)

You: I told you I didn't want you to see him!
Her: (Why are you threatened by him? And you don't own me)

You: You went to lunch with your ex!
Her: (I saw my friend, it was not a DATE)

You: You don't respect our relationship.
Her: (It was JUST lunch with a friend. Why is this a threat???)

You: I don't trust him! (he might still love you)
Her: (You don't trust ME!)

You: Why would you want to see an ex? He's in the past!
Her: (It might be nice to catch up. It doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with him!)

You: I don't want you to see him because I should be all you need!
Her: (Why don't you trust me? Do you really think I'm going to leave you for him?)

In no way am I saying that you said, thought, or will say/think those things. But if she were ME, I might be thinking those things. Try to remember that everyone has insecurities (me, you, everyone). And if she has never given you a reason to think she is cheating, trust that. Good luck!

GeneGoddess, I'm glad you're happily married with such a strong trust on each other. Your firm confidence in your relationship is also good to see at this point in your marriage. But it's too early for you to propose your relationship as an example and proof that friendship with ex's is not only ok but healthy, and for you to readily qualify Yah-ei and others who disagree as "insecure' and "untrusting." Wait until your deathbed to be sure. Men even in their 70's have affairs behind their wives.

Your thought process here clearly indicates that you give no consideration to how and why Yah-ei is feeling what he feels. You are only quick to accuse him of not being a Perfect Human with full trust and divine non-possessive love. There is no shred of thought about the other person; it's all "Me, me, me, and I am right. And you are wrong." Read your post again. I'm a bit baffled by this incongruity between you the mature spouse who's cool about your hubby hanging out with his exes and this immature thought process. Or were you just playing a prank here?

At any rate, none of us is perfect human/divine being. If we were, there is no need for marriage at all. Thus, then, we need to respect boundaries and help each other not to incite unnecessary doubts or jealousies, if we indeed care about our loved one's sanity and feelings. This is the norm. If a couple can have such a divine perfect free relationship, that's wonderful but an anomaly, not a norm in this human society. To take this anomaly as the norm and expect it from partner and then to accuse him/her as being insecure or possessive is itself very naive if not very immature.

To Yah-ei: I'm a man and I speak as a man to you. How many girls have you dated so far? I'm assuming not many (less than 10). Correct me if I'm wrong. Then, it's very normal and expected that you feel the way you're feeling now: anger, resentment, guilt, and then hope for reunion. It's because you're a good-hearted honest man and you've truly had very strong feeling (even love?) toward her. But you will get used to this feeling of "She is the One!" as you meet and taste more women.

In a broad sense there are two kinds of men. One who considers women rare opportunity and the other who sees women readily available. The former when given a relationship feels very fortunate and do everything he can to maintain it, even begging on his knees. The latter enjoys relationships as they come and when finds something foul or distateful, simply moves on without regret, because there are always more than plenty of other quality women available. In fact, the latter considers relating with many kinds of women before settling with one as a valuable knowledge of life if not a biological necessity. Oh, yes, many women have something to show us and enrich us, even the one-nighters. The latter values each women he meets and treats her with an utmost respect and care but would not lower himself for her.

Which one are you? If you are the first kind, then be true to that nature and tell her you were wrong and beg her to come back to you. She would certainly never think she did anything wrong, as evidenced by GeneGoddess herself. If you've had enough experience with women, you should know that it's trully a rare virtue in women to acknowledge she is wrong pertaining to relationship. I've met only one so far in my several decades of sensual life. So, never expect or push women to hear from her, "I'm sorry; I was wrong." Know that if she does say it, she's being sarcastic. So, go and beg. Even more so if you feel she is "the right one," although it's a pitty that you are missing so many better women around you.

If you're the latter kind, be true to your born nature and do not even ask these people here for opinions but just do what you have to. Look around for more and better experiences.

Strictly based on what you have written about your ex, she takes you for granted and you're dispensable. If you do beg, you will be even less respectable to her. She harbors no fear of losing you, because you are dispensable. Of course she says what she said to you regarding the incident. You are not so important nor a priority to her life to demand that kind of special consideration. Of course she feels offeded feeling "owned" or policed. On the other hand, you feel remorsed for having spoken and acted on your inner instinct. I tell you, if she were dating a man she felt to be her only true prince, the true love for her, she would dare not do what she did. She would discard everything and anything just to be with him. If she were to choose between her family, let alone her ex, and him, of course she would choose him. And she herself would agree, "Of course!" as if it's even stupid to think otherwise. Mind you, some women here may object to this, but my observation of women so far has been thus. They will do anything to be with the one they adore. So based on what occurred between you two, it's pretty clear that you are not the One in her mind and heart.

Well, it's clear. Discern what type of man you are and act accordingly. The fact that you ask people here may mean you are not so experienced with women.

If all this confuses you, let time clarify for you. Next year around this time, it will all be very clear to you, and you will be feeling fortunate to have cut the crap from her right at the bud, or will be feeling burdened having to swallow seeing her going out with her "ex" for a private chat over a fancy dinner in her best dress. If you are the first type, you can live with it fairly well. If you are the latter type, however....well, you won't put yourself in such a shameful situation in the first place.

a friend from below.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Actually, it's Yah-E. And I'm not sure I ever called anyone here "insecure" or "untrusting". And I never called anyone here perfect, including myself. No one is. The examples I listed were responses that I and many of my girlfriends (and some male friends) have felt in similar situations. I told Yah-E at the beginning of that post that I wasn't implying that he said any of those statements. But that, were he to, she might take them in that way. Of course, since I know neither of them personally, they might have an entirely different take on the conversation. But, as evidenced by the phenomenal success of such pop-psych books like the Mars/Venus thing, "Care and Feeding of Husbands", and "He's just not that into you", it appears that men and women are unclear as to what their potential partners really think. Of course, you can choose to lump the each gender into a few broad categories (she admits she's wrong or she never does, a wuss or a pillar or strength), OR you could treat everyone as an individual with indivdual wants, needs, and desires.

 

[Saved Satan]

I dare not put the name of God in vain; thus the intended variation. The original way it is written sounds too close to His Jewish name.
I'm Satan, thus, I know God is Real.

 

[Yah-E]

Saved Natas:

Great post! To answer your question, I've been in 3 "serious" relationships, 3 years, 6 years, and this one (roughly 5 months). Time between these three serious relationships, I've "dated" my share of women. I was single and dating for roughly three years before I committed to my recent GF who we are talking about in this thread.

So, I guess I am a little of both type of men you've described. I simply know what is good and worth going after when I see and experience one. Update on my current relationship, my GF and I are doing well. We still have our moments where we fight/disagree/urgue, but we absolutely enjoy one another in each others' lives. Through each and every "big fight", we both learn and grew from that experience. For example, this ex issue. My GF was absolutely right, she does not call, chat, email, and see her exs as often as I had thought she did. Even if she did, shouldn't I trust her?

You see, I didn't before because I never dealt with that type of situation with my two previous "serious" relationships! If my GF said they're friends and there is absolutely nothing going on between her and her exs, then I should and will believe/trust her. I've grown from this experience and I am now more open-minded about this issue until she give me reasons to think otherwise.

I absolutely adore my GF and I wish not allow my previous little insecurities and jeaulousy to ruin what we could've had. It was very important to her for me to trust her and understand that she can friends with her exs when she no longer have feelings for them. I didn't at first, but I am learning. I still don't like the idea, but I'm tolerating the thought much more maturely now.

Fight for what you believe is worth fighting for. My current GF is worth all of my efforts and it will remain so unless if she ever violates our trust and bond.