I don't think leaving sooner, means I'm smarter than anyone else here. I'm not.
Perhaps I wasn't tough enough to stay and didn't have the coping mechanisms to withstand it any longer. Or perhaps it's because my wife was very supportive and encouraged me by saying, "Do this now. Why wait until it's too late to make a difference?" And she was willing to suffer with me for that fellowship year with an 80% pay cut and a move to an overwhelmingly massive, expensive and crazy city with a cat, dog, child starting school for the first time and another in diapers.
Some of it is luck or fate. What if that one (out of 40 fellowship directors I emailed) hadn't replied with, "Of course Emergency Physicians can do Pain Fellowships?"
What if that one program out of the dozens I applied to hadn't offered me a spot? None of the others were willing to give me a shot.
Would I have given up, or would I have found some other way out?
I don't know.
But I don't think any of it is because I'm "smarter" or know anything, others don't. I'm not and I don't.
I do think there is a sore of brainwashing, a haze of doubt that sets in upon us in Medicine, especially in Emergency Medicine, that you can't leave. You can't change. You MUST do this everyday, every year until the day you retire (or die). My wife helped snap me out of that brainwashed haze. "Of course you can change careers. Of course you don't have to do this anymore if you don't want to. People change careers all the time." My brain just couldn't accept the idea that I didn't have to be that same ER-guy-til-I-die, until I finally allowed myself to accept the idea. Then once I did, I felt like I was given a new lease on life. It was the most refreshing, invigorating, battery recharging feeling I had felt in my whole life. Then, once I realized EM would always be there for me to go back to (at least for the first year or two), if the new reinvention of myself didn't workout, then there was no stopping me.