How can I help my partner understand?

t33sg1rl

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Disgruntled first year med student here...

My partner of almost six years seemed to understand and support me before school started, and made all sorts of extravagant promises about how she'd stand by me and help me out once I was in school.

Well, school started, and what I see is me getting yelled at for not being able to come home early, take days off whenever I'd like, or have weekends free. I don't think my partner has any real idea what I do or how hard I work. She has an additional barrier in that she barely graduated from high school and didn't go to college, so she really had no idea what med school entails and apparently still doesn't.

Any ideas on how I can settle her down and help her understand WHY I have to work so hard and spend so much time studying, without turning the discussion into a string of whiny complaints or accusing her of not being supportive? (which may be true, but will probably not help anything).

ps. My school has no support for medical spouses or partners, and even if it existed, I'm not sure she'd go.

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Does she have plenty of things to occupy her time while you are away? It is easy, especially as the years go on, to rely on our partners to "entertain" us. Encourage her to work on HER dreams while you go to school. Start a garden, take a class, join a club, write a novel. Whatever. It doesnt matter if what she chooses sounds dumb to you. If she picks the right thing she will be so engrossed in it she will barely notice you arent around. :)
 
I would suggest having a talk with her about how you feel and explain to her exactly what you are doing when you are away. Are you studying on the weekends or are you attending social events with your fellow classmates. If you don't tell her what is going on, she wont know and will make the assumption that you aren't spending time with her.

Try and keep her in the loop and see if you can make friends with other married/engaged/dating schoolmates so she can connect with other men and women who are partners to med students.

Lastly, I highly recommend that she find a hobby, group of local friends or some kind of activity that she can turn to when you are studying or are in class. Maybe she can take classes at the University since she doesn't have a BA. Encourage her to educate herself so she can see what school life is really all about. Good Luck!
 
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t33sg1rl said:
Disgruntled first year med student here...

My partner of almost six years seemed to understand and support me before school started, and made all sorts of extravagant promises about how she'd stand by me and help me out once I was in school.

Well, school started, and what I see is me getting yelled at for not being able to come home early, take days off whenever I'd like, or have weekends free. I don't think my partner has any real idea what I do or how hard I work. She has an additional barrier in that she barely graduated from high school and didn't go to college, so she really had no idea what med school entails and apparently still doesn't.

Any ideas on how I can settle her down and help her understand WHY I have to work so hard and spend so much time studying, without turning the discussion into a string of whiny complaints or accusing her of not being supportive? (which may be true, but will probably not help anything).

ps. My school has no support for medical spouses or partners, and even if it existed, I'm not sure she'd go.

Hi,

Best of luck with this situation. I don't really have any advice to offer, but I fear that I will be in the same position when I start med school (I'm applying this summer). So as you deal with this please post anything that worked or was helpful. Thanks so much, and good luck to you.
 
Give her the boot. You don't need that crap while you're in med school.
 
t33sg1rl said:
Disgruntled first year med student here...

My partner of almost six years seemed to understand and support me before school started, and made all sorts of extravagant promises about how she'd stand by me and help me out once I was in school.

Well, school started, and what I see is me getting yelled at for not being able to come home early, take days off whenever I'd like, or have weekends free. I don't think my partner has any real idea what I do or how hard I work. She has an additional barrier in that she barely graduated from high school and didn't go to college, so she really had no idea what med school entails and apparently still doesn't.

Any ideas on how I can settle her down and help her understand WHY I have to work so hard and spend so much time studying, without turning the discussion into a string of whiny complaints or accusing her of not being supportive? (which may be true, but will probably not help anything).

ps. My school has no support for medical spouses or partners, and even if it existed, I'm not sure she'd go.


You sure used "partner" alot there...let me make a wild and crazy guess as to what is going on...
 
It's not safe to assume that any one thing has gone wrong. She could be upset about the time away from home, she could be bored, she could feel unappreciated. The only way to know is to talk to her. The solution depends on the problem.

I would recommend sitting down with her and explaining that you are still committed to her despite the huge chunks of time that school eats up, and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the time you do have together of better quality. It never hurts to let someone know where they stand and reach out to them. And, if you follow that up by asking if there is anything else she wants to talk about, it provides her with an opportunity to clue you in about what exactly is bothering her.

Good luck.
 
Well,
it looks like I am in the same boat as the original poster and another peson who posted a reply. I am heading off to med school in the fall. My partner is the very needy type and I forsee her being the same way with always wanting me around and wondering why my schedule isnt flexile. We are trying to figure things out and I am encouraging her to get back to school and finish up her degree while I am in school. I think its important that the spouse or partner has his or her own thing going on, otherwise they start to feel like they are being taken for granted. We thought we had it figured out, we're from VA i'm going to school in chicago, and she was goin to stay in VA/MD to finish up and then move out there in 2 yrs but our plan started to fall apart yesterday. it's hard! but if anyone has any ideas then please share. thanks
 
Have her check out www.medicalspouse.com/forums This is a great site for significant others of medical students during school and residency. It at least makes them feel like they're not the only ones out there, and maybe it'll give her better perspective. Good luck!
 
I don't have any great advice to offer, but I can sympathize. My partner of 4 yrs and I just broke up, I am also finishing my first year. He is in ugrad now so has some idea of the difficulties of school, but I definitely don't think he appreciated how much more demanding med school is (especially since he is in a pretty low-stress major, psych)--in fact, any attempt to say anthing like that to him, no matter how tactfully phrased, brought up deep-seated resentment that I think contributed to the break-up. One of the reasons he gave for wanting the split is that "he felt he came third", after school and myself. We had been together for over 3 yrs prior to med school so I thought he was prepared, we certainly discussed it enough, and I made a huge effort to spend time with him (not that it mattered in the end).

Your GF probably thought she was prepared as well, but the reality of med school may be different from what she anticipated. It's also possible that there are other issues that are bothering her and she's just focusing her unhappiness on the time you have to spend away. The only way to find out is to have an open, honest discussion with her. Try to be non-judgemental (e.g., use "I" statements) and ask her what's bothering her and what she wants from you, try to see her side and compromise with her if possible. This of couse will only be effective if you are both honest and willing to work on whatever your issues may be in the relationship. I tried to have this type of conversation many times with my BF before our break-up, but he either wouldn't express his feelings and insist everything was fine (even when it seemed like something was bothering him) or would just make a bunch of vague complaints ("you don't respect my feelings") and when I tried to nail him down for specific things he was unwilling or unable to supply them. So if your partner is engaging in that sort of behavior, take note that there may be deeper issues she is having either with herself or the relationship, and either seek couples counseling or consider that this relationship may not be working. I know that's a hard thing to accept and I hope it isn't the case for you, but it is also better to find that out now (or so I keep telling myself). Best of luck to you.
 
Mistress S said:
He is in ugrad now so has some idea of the difficulties of school, but I definitely don't think he appreciated how much more demanding med school is (especially since he is in a pretty low-stress major, psych)--in fact, any attempt to say anthing like that to him, no matter how tactfully phrased, brought up deep-seated resentment that I think contributed to the break-up. One of the reasons he gave for wanting the split is that "he felt he came third", after school and myself. We had been together for over 3 yrs prior to med school so I thought he was prepared, we certainly discussed it enough, and I made a huge effort to spend time with him (not that it mattered in the end).

Unless someone has gone through med school, they cannot fathom the academic demands and time demands. This means that significant others can feel neglected. Some couples are able to work through this, others do not.

I wish you all the best of luck with this. Medical school is 4 years, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (which is flames from intership kicking your rear, but it is only one year).

Wook
 
There are some very good points of advice here (and some not so very good... mysophobe). My partner of now 5 years (and yes LADoc00 I mean my same-sex partner) has been with me all the way through medical school and now finishing up my first year of residency. She has found it tough to deal with at times, especially since moving here away from family and friends, but we found that communication is the key. She knows I will call her when I have a chance, and that I may not be able to talk to her more than once or twice a day on my long call days. we make up for that time by spending time together doing "couples" things such as going to dinner, or watching a movie together on the DVD, or just taking the dog for a walk at the park.

She also only just barely finished high school so feels she is not as smart as I am. I point out to her that she is smart in so many other ways that can't be learned in school. She can cook like you wouldn't believe, is a painter/wall paper hanger, and can remember a friends phone number that she hasn't called in 3 or 4 years. She amazes me some days. I am a very lucky girl! :love:
 
I'm glad I'm not the only person on this boat.

I don't have much advice, and I can only half-sympathize.

My fiancé also barely made it through high school - to be fair, I was the main reason he did. I was kicking his butt his senior year to get him through it (but hey, I earned my place as a VIP at his graduation, so it all worked out.) Something that stresses me a bit about him is whenever education is brought up, he always slips something in like "I wish I was as smart as you." Like ekydrd, however, he's smart in so many ways that I'm not and could never be - he's a classical musician. You hand him an instrument and in fifteen minutes he's figured out how to play it as well as someone who has played it for years.

But at the same time, he's very supportive, and he understands (to an extent) how difficult ANY schooling, but especially medical, is. (My first main concern was moving - he was born here and has lived here all his life, so even the idea of asking him to move away with me made my stomach fill with lead. I managed to strike it lucky, though, because my first school of choice happens to be close to a huge chunk of his family, and my second school of choice is somewhere he'd like to live anyway.)

I suppose my main bit of advice is what's already been said - just try to explain to her that what you're doing is a lot of hard work, and explain that it will all pay off in the end when you have a good education and career to support the both of you.
 
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