Ever feel that your relatives or best friends secretly want you to fail? are jealous you're in med school? this is probably something that bothers me a lot....how to get over it?
how common is it that those close to you want you to fail in life
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Um. No....if I felt like that they wouldn't be my friends. Rather have 0 friends than friends like that bro
what about relatives? can't get rid of 'em, bro
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You are an individual, your own person. Yes, you can't get rid of the relatives, as you put it, but you don't have to act on every advice they give you. Develop your own motivational and support systems so you don't fall into depression when your family/friends don't support you the way you want them to.
Is there a possibility that you might be overreacting? Do you really believe your family and friends want you to fail?
Is there a possibility that you might be overreacting? Do you really believe your family and friends want you to fail?
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Ignore them.
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My parents didn't want me to go to college because they were afraid it would be expensive. Turns out, it was the cheapest thing for them because it didn't cost them one dime. I paid for it all myself by working two jobs through the entire thing. When I financially struggled they encouraged me to drop out. Now they brag to their church friends about me being in medical school.
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I have a cousin who was practically my brother growing up, and now that I'm in medical school he won't talk to me. Other members of my family aren't very happy about my success either, but with him I really wish that we could still talk like we used to. It's definitely a jealousy thing (he's older than me and still hasn't finished college). The only way to handle it is to ignore it... it can be tough, of course, because like you said, you can't just get rid of your family outright. Just hang in there. Eventually they'll get over it...
... or they won't. Either way, there's not much you could do about it. Just take the high ground - be kind, focus on your studies, and let everything else fall into place.
... or they won't. Either way, there's not much you could do about it. Just take the high ground - be kind, focus on your studies, and let everything else fall into place.
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Okay so the family thing you can't control, but the frenemy thing you can. Drop them.
When I got accepted into a very good college, my aunt told me she was looking out for my best interest so don't go to that school because it would be too hard for me. Instead go to a "no name" school. Turns out she just wanted to set the bar lower for her own kid, who could go to a 'better' school than me.
I am actually in the same boat as you. I hadn't told my family until two weeks ago I was accepted into med school. The reaction has been tears (not of joy) and massive guilt trips since then. I told them I thought they'd be happy for me, and the response was - "Why on earth would I be happy for you?" Saying I'm ruining my life, and that a woman's life should be centered around having babies. And hey even if I don't want kids I could/should pop out a couple and hand them over so they can take care of them til after I finish residency.
So yes, distance helps a lot. Drop the non supportive friends though. My friends are my family by choice now. You will absolutely need a solid support system. I tell you this from experience. I thought it wasn't that important, but undergrad and grad school was made massively harder by family telling me to drop out when it got hard, and lots of phone calls/etc during finals time. I used to think that you had an obligation to your family, but as guilty as I feel, you must distance yourself from them. It's for your own health and well-being. You don't owe toxic people anything no matter what they tell you. If you're still having a hard time with this, do it for your future patients. You WILL be a worse doctor if you have emotional drains on you during school.
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I faced the sexist arguments too, and you make a good point - while your family will never go away, there is such a thing as healthy distance. I personally don't go out of my way to see or talk to those relatives who are unsupportive of my life choices, and it makes life a lot smoother. You don't have to invite that kind of turmoil in your life.
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I can definitely relate to this thread, it seems recently I have been drawing a lot of negative energy towards me. It doesn't matter what people think of you, but only what you think OF THEM.
If I chose to dwell on all the ways in which people could have offended me or treated me different from how I want/deserve to be treated, my own life would be pretty miserable swimming in those thoughts/memories. Instead, I like to focus on positive aspects in those people and think "ok maybe this person has a problem with me, but I don't have a problem with them. I can accept and let people just be who they are. And focus on my own life and all these wonderful things that are happening to me."
When you shift your focus to appreciation and being happy for yourself/ loving yourself, you'll realize that what anybody else thinks or does in contradiction to that really doesn't matter. Focus on keeping yourself feeling good. (And since it's tough to feel good while I think a friend has betrayed me, I just choose to think more positive thoughts like how much the friend has helped me in the past despite their current behavior and what positive aspects I admire in them. And maybe they're going through their own issues/insecurities and that's why they are reacting this way to me. It has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the relationship they have with themselves.)
If I chose to dwell on all the ways in which people could have offended me or treated me different from how I want/deserve to be treated, my own life would be pretty miserable swimming in those thoughts/memories. Instead, I like to focus on positive aspects in those people and think "ok maybe this person has a problem with me, but I don't have a problem with them. I can accept and let people just be who they are. And focus on my own life and all these wonderful things that are happening to me."
When you shift your focus to appreciation and being happy for yourself/ loving yourself, you'll realize that what anybody else thinks or does in contradiction to that really doesn't matter. Focus on keeping yourself feeling good. (And since it's tough to feel good while I think a friend has betrayed me, I just choose to think more positive thoughts like how much the friend has helped me in the past despite their current behavior and what positive aspects I admire in them. And maybe they're going through their own issues/insecurities and that's why they are reacting this way to me. It has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the relationship they have with themselves.)
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This is so messed up. Congratulations on pursuing your dream despite those irrational and unfounded criticisms. I admire your resolve.
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Just go to med school and never talk to your families again. EVER. Problem solved.
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Right after I got accepted to my school my aunt, whose daughter is a 3rd year DO student, told OUR grandmother, "Well, X's DO school is a MUCCCHH better school than Southern!!!!"
That's extremely mean and uncalled for, especially considering that it is our mutual grandmother. Who freakin says that?
That's extremely mean and uncalled for, especially considering that it is our mutual grandmother. Who freakin says that?
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I can relate. This process has really shown me who my friends are. It can be hard to talk about life, because many people can only dream of doing this, and hearing you talk about it makes them turn green (just make sure you aren't actually bragging). Think of it as them doing you a favor; you can't control how they behave, just how much you expose yourself to it. If they are not secure enough in themselves to get past their jealousy and be happy for you - or better yet, use it as motivation to follow their own dreams - then it may be time to find more successful people to spend your time with.
And for times when it just pisses me off, I have this quote:
My dear,
If peoples jealousy for you be visible, then good job.
For everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn.
Although people are sad for the pitiful, they are slightly delighted in that they are not in their position; they take slight delight in their betterment. You do not need much to be pitied, just failure.
Now jealousy, that must be earned. That look you see upon the face of the envious, that needs to be earned. That resentment you notice that they hold for you, that needs to be earned.
For their jealousy proves that you are better than them, even just for the moment. It proves that they would like to be you, and that you have done something so extraordinary, that they despise their own achievements compared to yours.
Be proud of their jealousy, for it is truly earned.
Truly yours,
Arnold Schwarzenegger
And for times when it just pisses me off, I have this quote:
My dear,
If peoples jealousy for you be visible, then good job.
For everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn.
Although people are sad for the pitiful, they are slightly delighted in that they are not in their position; they take slight delight in their betterment. You do not need much to be pitied, just failure.
Now jealousy, that must be earned. That look you see upon the face of the envious, that needs to be earned. That resentment you notice that they hold for you, that needs to be earned.
For their jealousy proves that you are better than them, even just for the moment. It proves that they would like to be you, and that you have done something so extraordinary, that they despise their own achievements compared to yours.
Be proud of their jealousy, for it is truly earned.
Truly yours,
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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People who are perpetually selfish and jealous of others
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Wow your family sounds like a bundle of joy... 😕 I'm so amazed people actually get annoyed and upset about their children getting into medical school. It's one of the toughest possible things to achieve in academia and that's the reaction... wow.
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Good old Schadenfreude.
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jesus christ...
You must like in a perfect world lol. OP doesn't have that luxury...
Sorry buddy- but at the end of the day you know what you're doing is exceptional. Don't let people bring you down. This may sound silly but I'm being 100% serious..
These are words to live by:
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I have relatives who are idiots, too. Every time I hear them talk I think to myself, "Wow, those guys are idiots" and just smile and nod at whatever they say. That works pretty well.
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One of my relatives over the long weekend was telling me how doctors don't want to cure cancer because then they'd lose money 🙂
My wife diverted the conversation and I just smiled and nodded!
My wife diverted the conversation and I just smiled and nodded!
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Amen. Everyone has a few relatives whom everyone else finds incredibly offensive/a##-kissing/rude/pretentious. The best thing to do is keep your mouth closed and ignore them. The smile and nod thing is golden. I recently had a "family gathering" at my parents'... I have aunts who are sorely jealous of me being in medical school while their kids are doing whatever else (I feel bad because they're quite successful on their own merit and I get along with them well)... you just grit your teeth and smile when they say nonsense like "oh doctors aren't getting paid well... they're no longer the hot thing... they're going down the drain... etc etc".
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Another favorite: kooky cousin (fun to have around though) thinks we give vaccines to make people sick so they can come see the doctor.
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You have more patience than I do. After a certain point my tolerance limit is reached. I refuse to be held hostage by idiots/jealous people unless I'm getting paid for it or getting some fun out of it. If I were you I'd start saying things like: Oh I didn't realize we weren't getting paid well, wonder how I managed to afford that new BMW/malibu house...
Or if you're going for the more polite thing take her seriously. "Oh no, I believe you're mistaken auntie, my friend just got a bonus of 30K on top of his usual 250K salary. And actually unlike most jobs right now, the field is still going strong and expanding."
Then I might ask about how their job is going. People like that are just unhappy and can't stand to see other people happy around them.
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@Lbgem, thank you for your kind words!
This reminds me of a time I was on a cruise with my parents and their friends (who have a daughter my age, we were childhood friends). She decided to get married and start a family, while I took a different path in moving into my own apartment and starting medical school.
My childhood friend's mother went on and on at the end of dinner about how universal healthcare now that it had been passed would lead to a plunge in doctor salary and make docs need to see more patients. And then she went on to specifically point out that I wouldn't be making any money and I would have these student loans to pay off. To me, it didn't seem like a "matter of fact" comment but more like a critical one, dwelling on negatives. So Hey, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has overheard such comments.
Her mother apparently got a lot of her family fortune through her father (who built railway structures on contract back in the day, took a lot of money from that project and kept it to himself). She constantly brags about herself to my mother and basically makes use of any opportunity to point out how her daughter is "settled" in life and she can finally relax. (While my mother obviously cannot relax because I am finding independence and my own career 😉)
My mother is a kind patient and forgiving woman. And a few of her friends would have been shown a nice shiny door out of my life if they were my friends. At the end of the day, I guess "people can be stupid." And out of their own insecurities, they can do and say really silly things. And as long as I realize that this behavior stems out of insecurity or jealousy or any negative emotion, I really pity them. I pity anyone who feels the need to explain their situation, or put others down, or brag in order to feel better about their own situation or stance in life. It takes a secure person to be humble, kind, and appreciative of other's achievements. And unfortunately, not everyone is secure about themselves and it's a very sad thing for that insecure person who has to live their life feeling that way about himself/herself.
This reminds me of a time I was on a cruise with my parents and their friends (who have a daughter my age, we were childhood friends). She decided to get married and start a family, while I took a different path in moving into my own apartment and starting medical school.
My childhood friend's mother went on and on at the end of dinner about how universal healthcare now that it had been passed would lead to a plunge in doctor salary and make docs need to see more patients. And then she went on to specifically point out that I wouldn't be making any money and I would have these student loans to pay off. To me, it didn't seem like a "matter of fact" comment but more like a critical one, dwelling on negatives. So Hey, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has overheard such comments.
Her mother apparently got a lot of her family fortune through her father (who built railway structures on contract back in the day, took a lot of money from that project and kept it to himself). She constantly brags about herself to my mother and basically makes use of any opportunity to point out how her daughter is "settled" in life and she can finally relax. (While my mother obviously cannot relax because I am finding independence and my own career 😉)
My mother is a kind patient and forgiving woman. And a few of her friends would have been shown a nice shiny door out of my life if they were my friends. At the end of the day, I guess "people can be stupid." And out of their own insecurities, they can do and say really silly things. And as long as I realize that this behavior stems out of insecurity or jealousy or any negative emotion, I really pity them. I pity anyone who feels the need to explain their situation, or put others down, or brag in order to feel better about their own situation or stance in life. It takes a secure person to be humble, kind, and appreciative of other's achievements. And unfortunately, not everyone is secure about themselves and it's a very sad thing for that insecure person who has to live their life feeling that way about himself/herself.
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No. Your friends are not jealous. They're happy for you.
I have had both my fiance and buddies who work outside of medicine comment on how many medical students can't seem to shut up about stuff medically related, and can't seem carry a conversation about something non-medically related. A lot of annoyance can come from that. So make sure you're not one of 'those guys'.
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Love it!
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wtf, where do you gather that they are happy for him from his posts? You're kidding yourself if you think there aren't jealous people around, even among some friends and relatives, unfortunately.
And the thing you're complaining about, everyone does it, especially those with more service-oriented professions that involve contact with large numbers of people. Teachers talk about the kids in their classes constantly. Police officers, social workers, management consultants, etc. all do it. And generally most of the talking is around the company of people in the same profession. Maybe your fiance and buddies just have boring ass jobs on Excel and Outlook all day long.
It's not my experience that doctors talk more about their profession than most other professions around non-physician company. Among other physicians though is a different story entirely.
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My mom does the same thing with her 'friends'. It's disgusting. I understand she is proud of having a son going into medical school but she puts down other people's kids because they go to a 'newer' or 'less established' school. Except those kids are probably orders of magnitude better than I since I had plenty of opportunities in life. Alas... that is the life of living with parents who bribe you instead of love you
#firstworldproblems
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Schadenfreude...embrace it...live it...
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Sorry to hear of the jealous jibes. That sucks. When my friends and relatives hear that I am a medical student, I can almost visibly see the wheels turning in their heads as they think: "Sweeet... I can pimp him for free medical care..."
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Wait a sec, do we have the same family? 😉 My mother and aunt went so far as to call me when one of my cousins had (another) baby they didn't want this past January. The first thing I heard on the phone was not hi but "Do you want a baby girl? You can come pick her up at the hospital tomorrow." It was horrible. They knew I lost a baby a few years back and that after much consideration had decided to wait on a family until after med school. Still, I guess they had to give it a try, since I'm 28 and an obvious failure to my sex. 😉
At any rate distance definitely helps, but it'll always sting knowing those who are supposed to care simply don't. Good thing is, some of them come around! My mother, for instance, is much better now.
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I'm sorry to hear that though 🙁. Lol, I think it's more my mom wants babies because she "wants a chance to be a better mother, not that I was bad the first time." I told her to work on my brother but her response was that "when he and his wife get divorced she'll take their kids with her" so "his kids don't count." Ya....
I am glad your mom came around. I doubt mine will. She is of the belief women are supposed to be subservient to their husbands and males are inherently smarter than women, so she always goes for the male doctors...
As sad/bad as it sounds and this is why I am recommending it to the OP, the less I talked to my family the better I felt. It's weird when you feel guilty for going for what you always dreamed of, like it's some shameful thing.
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fact is some of the biggest haters ive ever met were people that were close to me.
sure you will meet other that hate on you as well.
i had people tell me i wouldnt get into "that school" bc it was too good. guess what, i got in there and A FULL RIDE. haters gonna hate.
make your choices off your own ways of fulfilling yourself. trust me you will be happier. dont base your life on someone else's views. talk to a life coach, they will help you learn how to find the happiness in life. its worth it.
sure you will meet other that hate on you as well.
i had people tell me i wouldnt get into "that school" bc it was too good. guess what, i got in there and A FULL RIDE. haters gonna hate.
make your choices off your own ways of fulfilling yourself. trust me you will be happier. dont base your life on someone else's views. talk to a life coach, they will help you learn how to find the happiness in life. its worth it.
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If my parents were so desperate for grandkids that they trampled on my feelings and dreams and tried to make me feel guilty for pursuing my own happiness because of it, I'd hand them a cup of my jizz and tell them to get all the grandkids they wanted as long as they gtfo of my life
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this. I'm fortunate to have supportive friends/family who don't want to see me fail, but they still have major ignorance and conspiracy theories about the medical field.
My friends really thinks anesthesiology is the easiest job out there, and that you are paid the big bucks to just sit in a chair and read, or that vaccines are part of bigpharmas conspiracy to cause autism. One of my friends watched the movie "Food Matters", and was explaining to me how I will soon be brainwashed by the medical establishment into doing cancer treatments that actually kill people. He said medical school purposely covers up the real cure for cancer that Max Gerson discovered (i.e. raw veggie shakes, vitamins and hydrogen peroxide)
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My parents have always seemed passive aggressive a out me going to med school. First I really think they don't want me to move off. Even if it's selfish of them, I can't really be mad at them for loving me so much that they don't want me to leave. There are worse parents out there for sure. Second. I think they are afraid that I'll think I'm too good for them, which would never happen. But I love them so I try not to talk about school with them. We both make sacrifices for each other. They're going to lose me and I don't talk about it.
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lol
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I think you've got a very mature attitude about these kinds of people; like someone said earlier (and I don't blame them) they would not tolerate the BS of having people hate on them for their choice of career. I'm blessed with parents who both appreciate my choice of career and encourage it, but it just surprises me that there's so very many people who have practically medieval views towards it.
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this. I'm fortunate to have supportive friends/family who don't want to see me fail, but they still have major ignorance and conspiracy theories about the medical field.
My friends really thinks anesthesiology is the easiest job out there, and that you are paid the big bucks to just sit in a chair and read, or that vaccines are part of bigpharmas conspiracy to cause autism. One of my friends watched the movie "Food Matters", and was explaining to me how I will soon be brainwashed by the medical establishment into doing cancer treatments that actually kill people. He said medical school purposely covers up the real cure for cancer that Max Gerson discovered (i.e. raw veggie shakes, vitamins and hydrogen peroxide)
Yeah, especially considering that my family is for the most part very educated, I'm surprised to hear nonsense about these sorts of things. It's one thing to believe in holistic/eastern/natural healing as an adjunct to medicinal therapy but if we really believed big pharma is just feeding us all placebos and poisons, i wonder how all the people who would have died of their pneumococcal sepsis are still alive from the "fake" drugs which are used to huge effect to cure diseases 🙄
Well I can relate to this, although I am not a medical student yet. My family has always never supported me wanting to be a doctor but they wanted me to be an engineer. That is one of the reasons my grades were low for so long, I never cared about the field. You just have to get over it by trusting yourself, never hesitating on your mission, and staying the course. Those who stay the course have a pretty good chance at succeeding in what they want to do, while those who give up have lost all opportunity. There is no point in thinking about what other people think about you, that is a roundabout circle that won't get you anywhere. Your relatives or best friends may DEFINITELY subconsciously want you to FAIL. They still want to "talk down" to you maybe, or they are jealous of what you are doing but will NEVER admit it.
In my case for so long following what my parents would do my record was not that great, then when I started thinking about another career, medicine, my grades were all around 3.7-4.0 with a 4.0 masters degree. My parents used to ridicule me at a young age for my grades, but offered no advice as to how to excel on examinations, and I went to one of the worst ranked high schools in the country (and none of them performed at a high level, but seemed to be Geeky, which doesn't make sense). Now that my exams are excellent, I almost sense an undertone of jealousy in their voice, and they don't want to hear about my grades EVER. Furthermore, there is ALWAYS an undertone that I am not good enough or that I am not cut out to be a doctor, yet the field I am currently in they think is a field for the Gods. When I wanted to get a masters in bioengineering, they didn't treat that as a REAL engineering field, they think CONSTRUCTION or something like that is real engineering, when every component somebody uses IS engineering.
Gook luck, and when you get to where you are going, or make big strides along the way, you will have that sense that you don't need to worry about them. In the mean time, just be humble about your accomplishments, and don't treat them any different. Even in The Biggest Loser (never watched a full episode lol) they would mention how family members are the biggest cause for encouraging more gorging of food, thus sabotaging their own family, and acting jealous and unappreciative when someone loses weight. This is toxic, and you need to not be effected by toxicity at all cost.
I recently got to meet several of my old high school friends. They are about the same age as me. They still live at home, and work minimum wage jobs. No sign of any prospects on the horizon.
I mostly kept my mouth shut and listened to them, in case I'd come across as being arrogant. I couldn't relate to them anymore. I really didn't know what to say.
The reason is that I had a friend walk away from our friendship. He straight out told me that he was tired of being jealous of me. Tired of me succeeding at everything, while he floundered. What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry that I actually studied in high school and college?
I mostly kept my mouth shut and listened to them, in case I'd come across as being arrogant. I couldn't relate to them anymore. I really didn't know what to say.
The reason is that I had a friend walk away from our friendship. He straight out told me that he was tired of being jealous of me. Tired of me succeeding at everything, while he floundered. What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry that I actually studied in high school and college?
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This.
similar experience....you'll make new friends who are similar to you and won't be jealous. As far as relatives....I can't even remember the last time I talked to one of my douche cousins or weird aunts. So you are not stuck with your relatives. Look at it this way....fewer calls in the future to take care of little cousin Jimmy ear pain in the middle of the night.
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Certainly. Not so much relative-wise, but definitely my childhood "friends." I just got married and got into medical school. This "friend" is perpetually single (not by choice), got a very low MCAT score and didn't get into Med school. You can tell by her actions that she hates me low key. Why I still allow her to speak to me is beyond me. However, this new found distance between the two of us is great. I've cut her off before and now it seems like its going to be the final cut off time. Just think of it this way. People won't hate on you unless you're doing something awesome with your life. And since you are, be proud of yourself. You definitely do not need negative energy around you so make some distance between you AND your hater relatives. You can't help what people think about you, but you don't have to let them near you. Find you some friends that are happy for you and supportive. (Believe me, the people, especially family, who is trying discouraging you will be asking you for money and try to be close when you finish. That's when you smile and walk away)
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