How do Dr's spouses avoid feeling like your career comes second?

[Tofurkey]

Just wondering. I am a doctor's wife and feel like this. What can you do to avoid this feeling? I don't really have many ideas. I am currently looking for a new job right now and it is very depressing.

Thanks,

T

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[relatively prime]

What's your career? And why do you feel it comes second? Is your spouse somehow not supporting you in finding a job?

If you're feeling like your career isn't as important or respectable, just remember that the world needs all kinds of people in different careers. What use would doctors be if we didn't have any construction workers to build our homes, roads, and hospitals? or if we didn't have farmers to grow our food? Everyone who works contributes something important to society or else people wouldn't be paying them to do it. (unless you're a government bureaucrat )

If there's a gap in education that is making you feel this way... I'd just say don't think about it that way. Everyone does what they need to do to get where they want to go. Just because doctors have to go through 8 years of college and med school doesn't mean their careers come first.

OR... if you absolutely can't shake the feeling, just accept it. I mean, just because you think your career might come second... that doesn't mean YOU come second.

Good luck!

 

[Tofurkey]

Sometimes I feel like my self worth is tied up in my career, though I know I shouldn't feel that way. Anyone else feel similarly? Thus, since my career is non existent right now, I feel like my self worth is also. It's a vicious cycle.

 

[jennie 21]

It sounds like your feelings right now have more to do with being unemployed and job-seeking than feeling like your career comes second, unless I'm misunderstanding you. Being unemployed and doing the job search thing is tough; you have my sympathy. And I think for a lot of people, their sense of self-esteem takes a hit when they're unemployed...something about being human, we need to feel useful and for many of us that's tied to having a job (even though your self-worth shouldn't be tied to having a job, you're a worthwhile human being regardless of whether or not you're employed at the moment). But I'm not sure why that would make you feel like your career comes second, unless your husband is being unsupportive of your job search or something. Can you elaborate?

 

[medanthgirl]

I can relate - my husband has drug me across the county twice now, and ironically I was happier at the last place than this one. I try to look at it from both sides. because we moved, i got to go places (and eventually) find jobs and meet people that I never would have otherwise. and in two years we'll probably have to move again for his fellowship, but we have limits. i tell him places i absolutely do not want to go, and he crosses it off his list, period. whatever type of medicine he wants to do, although there may not be a ton of places, there is certainly more than one, so maybe there can be some strategy thrown in too. that's how we ranked his residency too. luckily, the stage my husband's in now isn't indefinate, so i'm just trying to focus on whereto next.

 

[cagney]

I think the reaon that drs wives/husbands feel their careers comes second is because they DO! I have had to move 3 times with my husband...to top it off, the demands of residency simply didn't leave room for two careers and children. Now that my children are all in elementary school I have looked at going back to college or working and am disappointed to realize that there is nothing I can study at a nearby college that either 1. relates to my former career or 2. is of interest to me. The closest metropolitan area where I could go to work/study is an hour each way. The kicker is that I actually chose my first profession based on what was 'doable' during residency.

There were of course my choices and I'd make them again. But the bottom line is that the spouse and his/her career does come second.

cagney

 

[ArmCandy]

There were of course my choices and I'd make them again. But the bottom line is that the spouse and his/her career does come second.

cagney

I am second to no one. My wife and I are a team. Just because I married someone who has high career aspirations does not mean I have to set mine aside. Say for example, I want to run for State Senate, should my wife drop out of medical school and support me because my goals are high and harder to obtain? No, I think not. Marriage is a compromise, but that doesn't mean that one partner should have compromise themselves to non-existance.

 

[cagney]

I am second to no one. My wife and I are a team. Just because I married someone who has high career aspirations does not mean I have to set mine aside. Say for example, I want to run for State Senate, should my wife drop out of medical school and support me because my goals are high and harder to obtain? No, I think not. Marriage is a compromise, but that doesn't mean that one partner should have compromise themselves to non-existance.

What happnes if you want to run for State Senate in your state and your wife matches for her residency program 1000 miles away? What would you do? What if you had children?

No one is saying that you aren't partners or that you aren't equal in that sense....but reality dicates that you may have to make some toughter compromises...at least for a long while.

 

[LADoc00]

Honest to God true story: When I finished my residency I dated for a short time a Playboy model. I wasnt Dr. X, I was that lucky ungrateful hack sipping on cosmos one booth from Cameron Diaz at the Crowbar in South Beach. After awhile I started telling people I was a producer because telling them I was doctor was tantamount to being a Starbucks Barista to this crowd. So I guess its all relative.

Im seriously getting a kick from reading all the people who have deluded themselves that medicine is anything other than a job, that when broken down by hourly pay, ranks somewhere between airline pilot and sheriff deputy.

 

[daria]

What happnes if you want to run for State Senate in your state and your wife matches for her residency program 1000 miles away? What would you do? What if you had children?

No one is saying that you aren't partners or that you aren't equal in that sense....but reality dicates that you may have to make some toughter compromises...at least for a long while.

Yeah... I'm hoping to get into a med-peds residency, and there aren't many in striking distance of where my husband and I live. My husband is phenomenally supportive; he's working full-time and going to evening law school so we can avoid racking up insane loans. After the sacrifice he's made, I don't relish the thought of asking him to move to another city with me. So I may compromise and consider other residency programs, but of course that'll be painful.

I think compromise is indeed the name of the game, but I'm very afraid that all of the obligations that will come crashing in on me as a doctor will make that hard. Heck already with required preceptorship and such in _MS2_ I'm feeling like I can't control my schedule.

One thing that's really helpful to me, though, is when he tells me flat-out what he needs or prefers - e.g., "You're so busy with school and extracurriculars and I miss seeing you... any chance you can avoid committing to extra stuff for awhile?". I'm not good at guessing, and it's pretty helpful to be reminded that there are things he needs, without having them stated as demands. So far, this has worked, but I'm really apprehensive about when I hit residency and practice.