How to be a supportive girlfirend of a pre-med student?

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supportpremed

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Hello All:

This is my first post on sdn. Tried to look for this topic but haven't seemed to locate relevant results. Please advise if there is a thread already!

Clarify:
I'm not a pre-med student, but my significant other is in the process of applying to medical school/working on mcats.

Situation:
Currently my boyfriend is working on re-taking mcats and applications for med school. He is not as verbal with his emotions so it has been difficult figuring out what is the best way to support him. I have directly asked him what I can do and he simply shrugs it off.

Since he has more of an issue with time management/planning I used to push him more about not wasting time and needing to focus/be more dedicated to this application/studying process and going over his essays with him. (This situation occurred as he was applying for grad school too.) And in his mind i'm sure it just sounded like "nagging."

After time I've learned that I can't do the thinking and he needs to take care of himself. His personality is the "I will do it if I want to." So I have recently tried to step back a lot more in hopes of building up more self-motivation not girlfriend motivation. I understand this is his journey and I can't take it for him.

Stepping back means:
- Scheduling only one date/meeting time each week to make sure i'm not a "distraction"
- Not asking him if he's finished with so and so task/ trying not to be "mom"
- Not trying to offer advice (even though i'm not a pre-med student, I've worked on many team projects dealing with motivation/self-discipline/being efficient on time. I tend see the larger picture of a situation to prevent problems from arising. )

Questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so i'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

I want to help but am trying to not meddle and sit on my hands so he can figure it out! Yes I understand I have to be patient since "if I really love him then I will need to suck it up", and no I'm not considering dumping him. 😛

All advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
 
supportpremed said:
Hello All:

This is my first post on sdn. Tried to look for this topic but haven't seemed to locate relevant results. Please advise if there is a thread already!

Clarify:
I'm not a pre-med student, but my significant other is in the process of applying to medical school/working on mcats.

Situation:
Currently my boyfriend is working on re-taking mcats and applications for med school. He is not as verbal with his emotions so it has been difficult figuring out what is the best way to support him. I have directly asked him what I can do and he simply shrugs it off.

Since he has more of an issue with time management/planning I used to push him more about not wasting time and needing to focus/be more dedicated to this application/studying process and going over his essays with him. (This situation occurred as he was applying for grad school too.) And in his mind i'm sure it just sounded like "nagging."

After time I've learned that I can't do the thinking and he needs to take care of himself. His personality is the "I will do it if I want to." So I have recently tried to step back a lot more in hopes of building up more self-motivation not girlfriend motivation. I understand this is his journey and I can't take it for him.

Stepping back means:
- Scheduling only one date/meeting time each week to make sure i'm not a "distraction"
- Not asking him if he's finished with so and so task/ trying not to be "mom"
- Not trying to offer advice (even though i'm not a pre-med student, I've worked on many team projects dealing with motivation/self-discipline/being efficient on time. I tend see the larger picture of a situation to prevent problems from arising. )

Questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so i'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

I want to help but am trying to not meddle and sit on my hands so he can figure it out! Yes I understand I have to be patient since "if I really love him then I will need to suck it up", and no I'm not considering dumping him. 😛

All advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Click to expand...

If he can't do this while balancing a girlfriend, med school is not going to help your relationship flower. I had just began seeing someone as I was starting up studying for my MCAT retake in June (started studying in April). I am still seeing this person and despite the MCAT and Secondaries I would say I rarely saw him less than 2 times a week.

This whole process is about seeing who can deal with all these stress while staying composed and poised. If he can't/isn't willing to do it without someone pushing him to, med school probably isn't for him.
 
The best thing you can do is to point him here and show him the available resources on this site.

Edit: I find it ironic how the applicant doesn't seem to use SDN while his gf does.
 
The application process brings out the worst in everyone, and usually the people to get the full brute force of that are significant others, families, close friends.

To answer your questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

Step back. He is the one applying, not you. If he asks for help, help (mock interviews and personal statement revisions come to mind). The best kind of support that I've gotten from my non-premed fiance is when he listens to me talk and just kind of dump all of my neurosis out there. Please, please, please let him make some mistakes. My SO, who is older and sometimes wiser, tries to advise me so that I don't make mistakes - although he's not a premed, he has the same skills as you do - but I always resent him for it. Furthermore, if you end up advising incorrectly, you will get the blame for it.

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so I'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

He's grown up, he should be able to take constructive criticism. If he chooses not to take it, let it go. No amount of criticism is going to make him improve if he does not personally feel the need to improve.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

Like I said earlier, I just want people to cheer me on. I don't want people to nag on me about deadlines, not studying enough, etc. More likely than not, he already feels those pressures internally, but chooses not to resolve them because, well. it takes time.
Keep his morale high. The app process is tough and demoralizing at times.
I'm sure it's difficult for you to just have to sit and watch, but this is his thing to deal with. Best of luck! :luck:
 
nysw said:
The application process brings out the worst in everyone, and usually the people to get the full brute force of that are significant others, families, close friends.

To answer your questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

Step back. He is the one applying, not you. If he asks for help, help (mock interviews and personal statement revisions come to mind). The best kind of support that I've gotten from my non-premed fiance is when he listens to me talk and just kind of dump all of my neurosis out there. Please, please, please let him make some mistakes. My SO, who is older and sometimes wiser, tries to advise me so that I don't make mistakes - although he's not a premed, he has the same skills as you do - but I always resent him for it. Furthermore, if you end up advising incorrectly, you will get the blame for it.

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so I'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

He's grown up, he should be able to take constructive criticism. If he chooses not to take it, let it go. No amount of criticism is going to make him improve if he does not personally feel the need to improve.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

Like I said earlier, I just want people to cheer me on. I don't want people to nag on me about deadlines, not studying enough, etc. More likely than not, he already feels those pressures internally, but chooses not to resolve them because, well. it takes time.
Keep his morale high. The app process is tough and demoralizing at times.
I'm sure it's difficult for you to just have to sit and watch, but this is his thing to deal with. Best of luck! :luck:
Click to expand...

👍
 
If it has to do with school, don't bitch about it.

If it doesn't, feel free to bitch 🙂
 
"basketball wives"
"football wives"
"desperate housewives"
"the real housewives"
And now, "pre-med housewives".
 
LongSandwich.jpg
 
Thanks everyone for your suggestions/comments!

It's what I needed to hear. The general consensus of stepping back, just being there when he needs, me trying to boost his morale is definitely doable.

Will try my best and wish all of you on your successful pre-med/med school! 👍
 
I need pics before I can dispense any advice.
 
I didn't wanna be the one to post a sandwich....

Joking aside: little things always mean the most to me, gf would make my bed, clean my room, little things to reduce stress while I was studying, it meant the most to me....

Now back to Joking (Not meaning to offend, all in good fun 😀)

Girl- "What's a good come-back to use when a guy tells me to go make him a sandwich"
Guy- "Well you better come back with a god**** sandwich"

Saw that on a web-comic the other day, thought it was funny, no disrespect meant...
 
supportpremed said:
Since he has more of an issue with time management/planning I used to push him more about not wasting time and needing to focus/be more dedicated to this application/studying process and going over his essays with him. (This situation occurred as he was applying for grad school too.) And in his mind i'm sure it just sounded like "nagging."

*snip*

- Scheduling only one date/meeting time each week to make sure i'm not a "distraction"
- Not asking him if he's finished with so and so task/ trying not to be "mom"
- Not trying to offer advice (even though i'm not a pre-med student, I've worked on many team projects dealing with motivation/self-discipline/being efficient on time. I tend see the larger picture of a situation to prevent problems from arising. )

Questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so i'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.
Click to expand...

I understand that you are legitimately trying to be helpful, but if you were my significant other I would definitely consider you a nag.

I'm going to assume that your intentions are good and that you're not trying to be a nag, but at the end of the day that's still how I would feel about a girlfriend who:
  • Monitors my activities, asking about my progress.
  • Makes judgments about how effectively I'm using my time.
  • Asks me if I've finished my work and met my obligations.
  • Prods me along, coaching me to be more responsible each day.

I don't actually know any guys who do want that in their SO. Again, you're trying to be helpful, I know. But here is how it probably comes across to your boyfriend. He feels like you are trying to control him, and he feels like you are condescending. You act like you know better than him what he should be doing at any given time. Basically, you treat him like he's too stupid or lazy to do this successfully without you.

Now, your boyfriend and I could be very different, so take all of this with a grain of salt. It's just my two cents. But if you actually want to help, here's your daily checklist:
  1. Stop being nosy. Let him do what he wants with his time, even if you don't think it's productive.
  2. Don't play mom. A man can barely manage one mother...if you didn't give birth to him then find a different role. If you did...well...gross.
  3. Don't diagnose his "problems." Just because he does things differently than you would doesn't mean he has a problem with time management.
  4. How do you offer constructive criticism? You don't. If he asks for your advice on something give it but limit it to the one thing he asked about. Don't go off giving advice about a billion other things that he didn't ask you about.
  5. If he's going to fail, let him fail. To you it may look like he's making a series of mistakes that could have been avoided. If that's the case, let him learn from his mistakes. But:
  6. Understand that mistakes might not be mistakes at all. If medicine isn't the right path for him, than these "mistakes" might turn out to be him getting himself on the right path.


"Support" is not the same thing as "guidance." Your attempts at coaching him are taking you out of the role of supportive significant other and turning you into an irritation.
 
I would stay away from trying to motivate him. You don't want to be nagging him or become the person he dreads because he is going to be told to go do work (This is how he may perceive it even if it is not your intention). If he can't motivate himself to finish applying then he has to consider how he will be able to deal with the stress of med school. Instead try to be someone who can help him relax and talk about something other than med school.

The other issue is how you feel about the relationship. While your bf is under a lot of stress, that does not mean that he can completely ignore you/ treat you poorly. Sit down and talk with him to figure out what he wants and what you want. Seeing each other every day may not be possible, but it should certainly be more than once a week if you want it. It is not healthy for him anyways, to be completely obsessed with applying and ignoring everything else.


Finally, I think it is really awesome that you care enough to post on here for advice. I hope that everything works out with you and your bf.
 
Questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

I'm a guy and I'm a pre-med student, my girlfriend is not. The best support I get is my girlfriend stepping back. I need time to study, stay involved in my extracurricular/volunteer activities. I see her everyday, only like an hour per day mon-thurs, but we spend a good amount of time together on the weekends. What always helps me is having enough space to get all my work done.

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so i'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

This is hard to do. I'm not good at offering constructive criticism to significant others.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

They just all have faith that I will do well. It's not even said at most times it's understood. What helps me the most is having the time and space away from other people to work on these things.
 
Damn OP is really overthinking/micromanaging things....sounds like a premed to me! You should consider pre med OP!


Just have a regular relationship with your boyfriend and do the things that everyone else who is in a young relationship does.
 
You all are pretty silly. If he wants a "sandwich" then he's going to have to work harder getting into med school!!! 😉

We've been together for a four years and we're not a dramatic - threatening - "I am going to leave you if you don't..." case. But I know I was becoming more overbearing and therefore enlisted all your advice. So i'm glad to hear all your perspectives and hope the suggestions build a healthier relationship. Just a little background of why I tend to be more "mom" like was because I worked a lot in academic environments/ office management and am constantly pushing others to be on top of work. So I think I started combining my professional life into personal life.

But now I know understand that he doesn't need a career adviser and needs more of a cheerleader. I'm glad to hear all your perspectives and hope these small adjustments will make for a healthier relationship!

P.S. 😉 I'll just wait when he starts practicing mock interviews with me tHEn I can start the criticisms.. I kid.. I kid!!
 
willen101383 said:
Damn OP is really overthinking/micromanaging things....sounds like a premed to me! You should consider pre med OP!.
Click to expand...
👍

If I only I had a stronger affinity for the sciences, I would UNDOUBTEDLY considered pursuing med school
 
Maybe you should become pre med and study with him. Education is an emotional experience.
 
Give him a reason to let him sleep on your bed, not his own.
 
Umm, if he is shrugging off your question it means he doesnt want to bothered about it. Leave him alone about the process. Talk to him about other things.. he probably worries about this enough on his own. You don't need to remind him.

Also, for advice - If you're not gonna make something better, don't criticize and say "this could be better." Only criticize when you figure what specifically can be done to make it better.
 
I don't really have a legit advice, but with my husband he just listens to me whine and vent lol. There isn't really anything he CAN do but just come in when I need him and I really respect him for that. I've been with him for so long even before we were married and we just have that connection, even if unspoken he's always has a good idea of what I'm thinking and going through. And its the same for me.

FWIW, come in when he ask. If not just let your bf be.
 
mauberley said:
I was amazed at how long it took to get there. Bravo.
Click to expand...

The only real reason why I hesitated to post it is cause I don't want my tigergrandchilluns to learn about the birds and the bees til they're in med school. :d

Slack3r said:
I was gonna put "BJs" if it makes you feel any better.
Click to expand...

Actually, I was gonna post this and not "put out." :laugh: March 14, errryday!

iceman132 said:
👎

Sad that this is what our society deems acceptable.
Click to expand...

You, out of the pool!

(I'm just not even gonna go there)
 
if he is already acting distant and somewhat reserved/stressed as a premed or studying for the mcat.... just wait til' med school, that is a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME!! If he gets in, quite while you're ahead
 
I have to second "put out." Also, make sandwiches.
 
the mere fact that you decided to make an account on SDN and post this thread speaks wonders of how lucky your boyfriend is.

that is all.
 
OP, we're in the same boat!🙂 My boyfriend is applying next cycle. Just finished retaking his MCAT.

I feel like the best I can do is just let him vent and help him keep things in perspective. I have some pre-med tendencies myself (although not pre-med), so there are definitely times I have to stop myself from talking about the process when he doesn't really want to.

I didn't have much advice to add, I mostly just wanted to say hi to another pre-med girlfriend around here. :hello:
 
Tourmaline said:
OP, we're in the same boat!🙂 My boyfriend is applying next cycle. Just finished retaking his MCAT.

I feel like the best I can do is just let him vent and help him keep things in perspective. I have some pre-med tendencies myself (although not pre-med), so there are definitely times I have to stop myself from talking about the process when he doesn't really want to.

I didn't have much advice to add, I mostly just wanted to say hi to another pre-med girlfriend around here. :hello:
Click to expand...

I know because of my non med student fiance that your screen name is in reference to a type of hair dryer. That is all.
 
willen101383 said:
I know because of my non med student fiance that your screen name is in reference to a type of hair dryer. That is all.
Click to expand...

Haha! Actually it's my dog's name, which is in reference to the gemstone, tourmaline. 😀
 
supportpremed said:
Situation:
Currently my boyfriend is working on re-taking mcats and applications for med school. He is not as verbal with his emotions so it has been difficult figuring out what is the best way to support him. I have directly asked him what I can do and he simply shrugs it off.

Since he has more of an issue with time management/planning I used to push him more about not wasting time and needing to focus/be more dedicated to this application/studying process and going over his essays with him. (This situation occurred as he was applying for grad school too.) And in his mind i'm sure it just sounded like "nagging."

After time I've learned that I can't do the thinking and he needs to take care of himself. His personality is the "I will do it if I want to." So I have recently tried to step back a lot more in hopes of building up more self-motivation not girlfriend motivation. I understand this is his journey and I can't take it for him.

Stepping back means:
- Scheduling only one date/meeting time each week to make sure i'm not a "distraction"
- Not asking him if he's finished with so and so task/ trying not to be "mom"
- Not trying to offer advice (even though i'm not a pre-med student, I've worked on many team projects dealing with motivation/self-discipline/being efficient on time. I tend see the larger picture of a situation to prevent problems from arising. )

Questions:
1. As a pre-med student, what kind of support works the best from a friend/significant other? I.e. Someone who continuously helps identify problems or someone who steps back and lets you make mistakes?

2. How can I offer constructive criticism without it feeling like an attack? I've tried the sandwich method (Encouragement/Constructive Criticism/ Encouragement), but it doesn't seem to help that much. Professional school applications definitely makes everyone do a lot of "soul-searching" so i'm sure it can bring up many sensitive issues.

3. What is the best motivation/advice you've received from friends/ family/ significant others around you to get you through the process? If support from them is even helpful?

I want to help but am trying to not meddle and sit on my hands so he can figure it out! Yes I understand I have to be patient since "if I really love him then I will need to suck it up", and no I'm not considering dumping him. 😛

All advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Click to expand...
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but really, when I was doing applications, all my friends who had not gone through the process before always had x, y, z advice to give and I always just wanted them to butt out. They didn't know anything about the application process, I had one friend who helped me through applications and read some of my essays for me. That was about it and I only recruited her help because she was already in med school.

You're his girlfriend, not his life coach. He will probably need you to do things for him during the application process and when he actually does, then you can try to step in and do what you can, but don't do anything preemptively, trust me, it will just be annoying.
 
Is there anyone else who doesn't understand why being pre-med is something of which people have to be "supportive"? I honestly don't feel any more stressed/busy than my non-pre-med friends. What is there to whine about? I'm sure residents need lots and lots of support from family, but I feel like if pre-med gets so overwhelming that you need someone to support you, maybe there's something wrong...

Anyway, like everyone else said already, leave your bf to manage his own life. You can go crazy on him after you get married and have kids and he's stuck with you forever 😛
 
ponyo said:
Is there anyone else who doesn't understand why being pre-med is something of which people have to be "supportive"? I honestly don't feel any more stressed/busy than my non-pre-med friends. What is there to whine about? I'm sure residents need lots and lots of support from family, but I feel like if pre-med gets so overwhelming that you need someone to support you, maybe there's something wrong...

Anyway, like everyone else said already, leave your bf to manage his own life. You can go crazy on him after you get married and have kids and he's stuck with you forever 😛
Click to expand...

He has a hard time planning/being on top of things, it's really bad. That's why I push more. Which also makes me question that if he can't get through this, how the heck is he going to survive med school.
 
supportpremed said:
He has a hard time planning/being on top of things, it's really bad. That's why I push more. Which also makes me question that if he can't get through this, how the heck is he going to survive med school.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a real loser.

Keep going if you want to continue to be dissapointed.
 
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