DoggieLover said:
Unfortunately, my bf and I don't live together....I live about an hour away (our schools are that far apart and my parents don't approve of us living together before marriage because they are very traditional) and drive down to see him and take care of him whenever he has time. I guess that makes things THAT much harder because I basically have to ask him what his schedule is, pack my things, bring my dog, and drive down there just to cook/clean/take care of him AND his dog without spending any quality time with him and then drive up through traffic after a couple of days just to repeat the cycle all over again.
The definete perks are the fact that I'd be able to sleep in the same bed next to him and get glances of him during his study breaks, but that also means that scheduling times with my friends is very hard because usually I'm gone on the weekends when they have time to hang out (they all have M-F 9-5 jobs) and if we do hang out it means that I'll have to drive even further to meet them. He doesn't come up to see me because he wants to stay near school so he can go study in lab, have study groups, and not waste the time he needs for studying to drive (which is understandable), so it's always me driving to see him. His place doesn't even have a TV (he thinks its a distraction) so imagine how bored I get when I'm over there, especially since his school is kind of in the middle of no where!!!
The reason why it's hard for me to feel secure is because one time when we argued he brought up the fact that maybe we need a break (he said that it might be better and less stressful for both of us). Later on he apologized and said to me that he didn't mean what he said (he was just angry and immature to say that) and he can't imagine his world without me. He talks about how our children are going to be like and our future all the time, but to me, I can't just dismiss what was said when we argued because I start thinking "then why am I doing all of this and investing so much"? I guess that was another source of my resentment too.
DoggieLover, I really hate to say this, but I think your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. The fact that he expects you to drive an hour each way just to clean, cook and take care of him without even getting to spend any quality time together isn't fair and isn't right. Plenty of med students make it through without anyone doing their cooking/cleaning/laundry for them--heck, my husband and I are BOTH in med school and we somehow manage to keep ourselves fed and clothed and our apartment relatively clean without someone else to do those things for us. Now, I think it's wonderful that you want to do those things for him to make his life easier--but the fact that you are expected to drive an hour each way just to do those things without getting to spend any real time with him, isn't right. He's treating you like a maid. Furthermore, you mention that last weekend you DIDN'T do those things and he got angry with you for making his life more difficult...He shouldn't be EXPECTING you to do those things. He should be grateful and appreciative of it when you do, but he shouldn't expect you to do it all the time. It sounds like you're doing almost all of his cleaning, cooking, etc. for him. It's fine and nice if you want to help him with those things, but you are not his maid. You shouldn't have to do all of it for him. Especially since you are not living together, he should (IMO) be doing MOST of that stuff for himself, and if you can do his laundry or make him dinner one night that's a bonus and he should appreciate what a nice thing you're doing. It would be one thing if you lived together and shared the same household...then it might make sense for you to be doing the bulk of the domestic chores, since it would be your household too and you're not as busy as he is at the moment. But you're not living together, you're living an hour away, and you have your own house/apartment to take care of too...you're not benefitting from any of the work you're doing cooking and cleaning in his place, as you would be if you lived together. What bothers me the most is that he apparently expects you to drive down an hour just to cook and clean and take care of him, without even spending any quality time together, and then gets mad at you when you don't do that! I'm sorry, the guy may be under stress, but this is not fair and it's no way to treat you. He expects you to be there on his schedule and to fill his needs without any recipricol consideration for yours. It sounds like he really thinks you are there to do the cleaning and the cooking, not to see him and spend time with him!
As you mention...you are not married, yet you are doing for him all the things that a wife does. You say you are "not even considering marriage" until after he is done with med school. Does that mean you are planning on getting married someday, but are putting off the wedding until after med school? Or does that mean you two don't know whether or not you're going to get married, and will make that decision after med school is over? It is one thing to be doing all of this stuff for him, getting little in return, if you have a firm commitment and know you are going to get married somewhere down the line. Then, making these sacrifices for each other makes sense. But it's entirely different to be making these sacrifices and doing all this stuff for him when you don't even know if you're going to get married. You're right that all of the stuff you're doing for him is quite an investment. And if you're going to make that investment, you should have some part in the eventual pay-off of all this hard work. I don't think you should be doing all this stuff for him unless you have a solid commitment. Otherwise, it's too much of a sacrifice. I don't blame you for being upset about what he said about taking a break, and for reconsidering how much you are doing for him in light of that. It sounds like he is not yet willing to make a firm commitment...and if that's the case, then it seems to me that what he's expecting of you is unfair. Now, we all get upset and say things we don't mean at times, so if you know you're planning on getting married someday and talk about it all the time, etc. I wouldn't put too much weight in one comment. But if you two don't have that understanding, I'd take it as an indicator of what his level of commitment actually is. Oh, and I don't buy the idea that he actually HAS to work quite this hard just because he's interested in ortho. My husband is seriously considering ortho, too, and he doesn't feel the need to work that hard. He works hard, sure, we both do. But we also have time for fun. Our school is pass/fail, which definitely helps...if your BF goes to a school with grades then I can see how he'd be feeling a lot more pressure. Still, you don't have to let med school and studying consume your entire life. Plenty of people manage to find balance between studying and having a life and still do very well. It's a choice you make, and I think it says something about your priorities in life. If he is putting you this far down on his list of priorities right now, I think you can expect that he will also be the type of surgeon who will work 80 hours a week and never be home. You have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with for the long-term. I'm willing to tolerate it for residency, but I would not be happy with my husband if he were still choosing to work 80 hours a week on a regular basis after we are done with residency and have children. (And I certainly don't plan to do it myself). I'm just saying, if this is the way your BF is now, I wouldn't necessarily expect it to change or get better later. On the other hand, it's early in the year. Maybe as he gets used to med school, he'll relax a bit, but if he doesn't relax and doesn't make time for you I'd take that as a sign of his priorities and think seriously about whether you can (and whether you want to) live like this for the rest of your life. I'm not saying he shouldn't work this hard or it's not a legitimate choice...but it's a lot harder on a spouse than having a doctor husband who only works 50 or 55 hours a week.
Okay, this is getting really, really long so I'm going to cut it off here. I'm not trying to bash your BF...really. I know how hard all of this stuff is and it's a HUGE adjustment, and school just started so he's still getting used to it. But I'd hate to see you get taken advantage of and feel like you have to do all of the giving and all of the adjusting just because you think that this is just how it is with a med student. It should be a two-way street, even though it's probably not 50-50 and that's okay. I think amka25a and delchrys have given you some excellent advice on accepting and adapting to your BF's needs and ways of doing things. I'm just presenting the other side of things, which is that you shouldn't be doing all the giving and all the flexing. It's okay for you to have needs too, and if your BF is as great of a guy as you think he is then after this inital period he'll realize that, and he'll begin to adjust and try to meet your needs too. It's alright for you to have limits to how much you can give and how flexible you can be. I hope it helps to hear this from a med student. You're not being selfish just because you have needs too. No relationship can or should revolve around the needs of just one person, even though at times it will not be 50-50. Good luck dealing with everything, and I hope you work it out.
He should be grateful for what you can do, and yes it's fair to expect that if there is a low spot in his workload he should schedule things to make you a priority whereever possible.
