How to not get separated from significant other after undergrad

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First off, best of luck with everything. You know your situation a whole lot better than me (or anyone else on SDN). All I can say is do what you feel is right. I hate to play devil's advocate, but what IF things don't work out once you both are in the same area? I only say this because I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost 2.5 years, and I feel like the distance has made things stronger because of the need for communication.

That being sad, you know what works for you.

Chapelle said:
Do you guys know of a better plan for me? What do I do if I don't get in to the vet school near his grad school?
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If you don't get in to a school near him, you can always move out there, gain residency in the state and apply as IS the following year. This does present a different problem because, assuming he has a 4 year PhD program, you would be there for a year after he finishes.

I know this post seems like I am not being encouraging, and I am sorry it has that tone...there are plenty of options for you to stay in close proximity to him! But in the end, you need to do what works!

I hope things work out in the end!
 
I don't really know how to help. All I can really say is that distance happens, especially with 2 professionals in a relationship. Someone gets a job in another state and it takes a couple months for the other to relocate. Someone ends up needing to travel for work. You end up on different schedules.

My husband and I are looking at distance again. Only 3.5 hours this time, which was better than the 3 month stint in hong kong, or my trips out to sea, but it will still be different.

Have you thought about what happens if you get into one of these places, and he then decides he doens't like the PI or the opportunity he is offered? Do you turn it down, does he deal with it, what?

I can't suggest what to do.... have you thought about whether you are going to want to do residency later on?
 
I would definitely apply to the same schools (that's what my bf and I did)...we both ended up coming to grad school when I didn't get into vet school my first app. He is in the middle of his PhD and I'm #5 on the waitlist here at UC Davis. I accepted my position at Iowa State and as things stand, I'm planning on moving...it's going to suck, but I think it would reflect poorly on the people I ask for LORs if I decline a perfectly good spot that I was offered. Also, if I turn down my spot, there is a good chance that next year I'll get in, but NO GUARANTEE. A bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush. If you are in a solid relationship, distance will suck...but it's possible. The way I cushion the blow is that I think about how hard both of us will be working on a daily basis and we wouldn't have that much time anyway. Also, when my bf is finished with courses (maybe 1 more quarter), he can do his research anywhere (he's a applied math PhD so he doesn't need a lab to do his research). Things have a way of working out. Good luck! Maybe you should wait to worry...cross the bridge when you get there, maybe you'll both have options and will be able stay at the same school!
 
My bf and I have been together for 7 years, and our understanding has always been "you do what you need to do, and i'll do what i need to do." i didn't really take where he was going to be into account when i applied to schools. When I leave to go to vet school this fall, he'll be going overseas for an international MBA program. we make it work, but at this point in our lives, we just feel like we each need to do what we need to do to get into our careers. if it works in the meantime, then we'll see what's next.

that's just my situation. i say go where you want, do what you want, because if he's the "one" you'll end up together afterwards.
 
I am a success story in this regard. My fiance and I (we are getting married later this month) did not want to be separated and were willing to put that first. We applied to 5 places that both had good vet programs and good programs for his grad program. We ended up overlapping in acceptance with 3 schools and got to choose between those 3. I realize we were extremely lucky. If this hadn't happened we would have decided which of our programs was more important to get started and we would have had to make some sacrifices.

One thing that I think helped us do this is that we spent a lot of summers apart doing things to really boost our applications so that we could be more competitive in the long run.
 
Chapelle said:
I'm excited to be a vet and passionate about my dream but when people just say "you have to always put your career first," it turns me off. There is more to life. However, I now think that although I'm willing to go to a vet school that is not my top choice I don't think I'm willing to reject all vet school offers just to be close to my boyfriend and risk putting my career on hold for years.

At least I know others have done it and in four years we can be together forever and make cute babies 😍
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I am not suggesting that career should come first, but I do believe every person should have the ability to provide for themselves, preferably in a field they enjoy. I believe there is a balance in work and personal life. I would also be willing to go to a 'different' school if it put me in proximity, but as you noted, not willing to sacrifice all acceptances either way.

I think the other issue that a lot of people react to is the idea of women giving up their career aspirations to enable boyfriends to pursue their career aspirations. I am an advocate of both partners taking hits (if necessary) in their careers to support each other and family. I took a HUGE hit to my business for my husband's career; I had to close down, relocate, and start from scratch in a field that relies on word of mouth recommendations. Now, he is taking the hit for my career to get me through vet school. I kind of see it as one of those cooperative rope coarse activities; you can only get so far without boosting the other person up...but the other person needs to reach back and boost his/her partner up ahead of themselves to really do well.

Is your partner applying to every biophysics program near a vet school? Part of his additional challenge will be developing relationships with potential PI's before the application process. That's where elefante's mention of summer work may really come in. As you noted, the more options each of you has, the better the opportunity. However, if it doesn't happen, it isn't the end of the world to have some distance. Many career choices eventually lead to unexpected travel/distance; I have seen it in the careers of people in the ministry, military, finance, consultation, business, sales, marketing, employee training, communications, nursing, lab sciences, research, etc. At least here, you know ahead of time that it is a possibility, and you can plan how to handle it.

Hopefully you will get into programs near each other. You might also consider applying to programs that are reasonable traveling distances from each other. Distance at a couple hours is easier than cross-continental.
 
Chapelle said:
I'm excited to be a vet and passionate about my dream but when people just say "you have to always put your career first," it turns me off. There is more to life.
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I certainly don't believe that my career is all there is to life. My bf and I are very serious about our relationship and our future together, but the way we see it, these are only a few years of our life. Why sacrifice going to a school that is a better fit (or in his case, not having the opportunity to study overseas) for the sake of staying within close proximity to each other when we know we have our whole lives together afterwards?

That is just how WE handle OUR relationship. I realize everyone has a different situation and outlook, but I don't think it's fair to assume that we don't respect balance in our lives because we don't want to sacrifice our individual needs for the sake of four years of our relationship.
 
i say go where you want, do what you want, because if he's the "one" you'll end up together afterwards.


I don't think you can take relationships for granted like that. Relationships involve compromise. Not just "Oh well, if they love me, they'll do this/accept this".

It also depends though on how well you deal with distance. If you're fine never seeing each other, great. I know for a fact that I would be MISERABLE not seeing my boyfriend for weeks or months on end. My three week rotation in Indiana was awful, we missed each other terribly. we are and have always been like two peas in a pod. Doing that for years would honestly be too miserable and painful for us to do well at our jobs, because both of us are heavily invested in each other and in our future and the main source of happiness in our lives is each other.

Meeting "the one" does not guarantee that you can do anything you want and it will work out. Nothing is automatic. Even love. You can be deeply dedicated and in love with someone...but if you never see them and spend all your time missing them....it's unhealthy to both of your psyches and detrimental to the relationship, "the one" or not.

You never know for certain you will always be with a person, no question asked. No one is 100% static and there are NO absolutes in terms of love: only faith, hope, and belief.
 
I don't think I said exactly what I meant the first time around, and oddly, I feel like I need to defend my relationship to a bunch of people I've never met.. So, here goes:

Of course I don't *expect* that if my bf loves me, "he'll accept anything," and of course I'm not *fine* never seeing him. I am fully aware that when I go to school and he goes overseas we are going to miss each other terribly.

Yes, we are "heavily invested" in each other too. We have made a home for ourselves over the last seven years. We have a condo with our "stuff," and two dogs.

I don't believe that we "automatically" will stay together because we're *in love.* I completely agree that relationships involve compromise. We have compromised before, with undergrad schools and where we moved after undergrad.

But now, we are each moving in the directions that our careers are taking us, and we each feel passionately about what we do to set those careers in motion. We know it *might* not work. We know it's a risk, but that doesn't mean that we're any less *invested* in each other or that our relationship is any less stable/loving/committed than someone who chooses to go to a school based on where his/her SO is living.

I don't judge people who choose schools based on their SOs. If they can make both their career choices and relationships work, and stay within close proximity to their SOs, that's great. At this point, we're both willing to sacrifice being physically "together." That's our choice. I don't take him for granted, and it's offensive to me that someone would even suggest that, seeing as he/she doesn't know us, or our specific circumstances.

I'm not sure why I feel like I have to defend myself. But the OP asked, so I answered. I didn't think I would be judged so heavily for my choices.
 
I was not judging your relationship.

I was judging your views on relationships/careers, which is fair game when you present them in a public forum (hey, that's what debate is all about), and subsequently giving my opinion in response.

Sorry if that was miscommunicated. If you're fine in your relationship, sure, great. I was responding to your posted opinions about such matters with my own, not judging your love life.

In response to the taking for granted, I said that the type of opinion i quoted is taking for granted. You have admitted that you do not take him for granted already. Therefore, I was not accusing you. Simply stating my opinion on such a statement.
 
hlkcirdnek, I completely agree with you. I understood what you were saying and I think WhtsTheFrequency took it the wrong way. You weren't saying, "Oh well, screw it, I'm going to do what I want and my b/f will have to deal with it because if he's the one he'll stay with me." You were saying that you both have to have your own lives, go for your own dreams, and if it's meant to be then you will both find a way to make it work.

I think being so tied up in someone else that they are the source of all your happiness is unhealthy. **** happens. It's great to try to share your life with someone else, but in reality you are on this planet alone. Accidents happen, people die, people change their minds, fall out of love, etc.

Loving someone means loving yourself and your own life first. Being happy with yourself and getting joy from your own life.... and then choosing to share that life with someone else. Not because you would die without them. Not because you would be miserable without them. But because you each are making the careful decision to share your lives with each other. Knowing that your lives are enriched with that person - but still fully knowing that you could both survive (and be happy) without the other. To me, that's a healthy, committed relationship - and much stronger than any of those where the couples *need* to be together or they will simply die.
 
I'm glad you got what I was saying EqSci. I agree with what you said about loving yourself first and having a happy, stable life outside of your relationship.

I also agree with taking enjoyment in sharing your life/career/interests with your SO. My bf and I really enjoy sharing our career interests with each other, because he is a financial professional and I (of course) am in the veterinary profession, so we are able to share and learn from one another.

On the other hand, I'm definitely not looking forward to being so far from him while I go into my first year of vet school. He has been with me through this whole crazy application/admissions process, and he has been the level-headed, cool, calm and collected one while I freaked out about everything. I just hope I can channel him and his stress-free attitude while I prepare for my first year.
 
Good luck with everything! I understand about having that support system... it's invaluable. Sounds like you are both very good for each other, which is what it's all about.

Speaking from experience, it helps if you stay busy (which of course you will have no problem doing in vet school)!! It also helps to plan out your next 'reunion', even if it's months away. You'll have something to look forward to and it makes the time finite instead of just saying "I'm not going to see you for a very long time".
 
Some things hubby and I do.... we watch the same favorite shows and talk about them. Or even hit a movie seperatly or read the same book. It helps stir the conversation up beyond 'what did you do today.' We also send each other digital pictures. We carry our cameras around and 'catch' stuff of our typical day....

Silly, but seems to help.
 
We also send each other digital pictures. We carry our cameras around and 'catch' stuff of our typical day....
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Ah, yes! I would often take pictures of my dog on my phone when he was looking especially cute and text them to my boyfriend. Or any random pretty/unusual scene that I knew I would tell him about later.

Texting is great as well... anytime, anywhere. Just little messages whenever you are thinking of one another. Inside jokes, I love you's, this reminded me of you, etc. Used to brighten up my whole day.
 
All great ideas! Thank you!

I'm excited about the idea of us having these new "adventures" on our own, but also sharing them with each other. I'm trying to see the positive in it; for example, pursuing our respective careers independently, meeting new people, supporting ourselves... anything to make it seem less scary.
 
If you have set times you know you'll see each other, here is another suggestion: my boyfriend and I do this when I'm on away rotations. Each week (or month if we are talking very long term) we send each other very small presents. Each small present is a little piece of a puzzle, or little hints, as to some romantic or fun thing we are going to do for one another when we next see each other.
 
WhtsThFrequency, that's a really sweet idea!
 
WhtsThFrequency said:
If you have set times you know you'll see each other, here is another suggestion: my boyfriend and I do this when I'm on away rotations. Each week (or month if we are talking very long term) we send each other very small presents. Each small present is a little piece of a puzzle, or little hints, as to some romantic or fun thing we are going to do for one another when we next see each other.
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That is a sweet idea. Hubby and I send each other small things that we see/find that remind us of each other. I tote some of those now, like a rock he found in the shape of a heart, and he has a series of shuttle launch patches (he loves NASA) that I picked up while working in the fishing fleet.
 
WhtsThFrequency said:
I don't think there IS such a thing as a 4 year PhD program...
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Remember that girl on here who was trying to convince us she could do a DVM PhD combined program in 5 years??? She knew people who had done the PhD in which she was interested in 3 years, and somehow 3+4 = 5 for her...I cannot remember the math now. Sheesh, I wish I could find that thread. I'll give it a shot, but I may need twelvetigers to work her magic. 😉
 
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NCSU told me they are pretty strict about their joint dvm/phd program. 6 years. no more no less. Whether they hold to that or not, no idea, but when I inquired that is what I was told. The expected completion is 6 years.
 
I JUST went through this exact same situation that you are talking about. I am the guy though. My girlfriend and I applied to different graduate programs in different subjects and prayed that we could get accepted to schools close to each other. However, that was not the outcome and she ended up sacrificing her schooling to stay with me while I finish pharmacy school. We both have huge potential. She was actually the top psychology student and president of the psychology club.
 
Does anyone have experience with the international LDRs?? Boy is going to med school in the midwest and i'm going to vet school in Scotland... so a 6 hour time difference. I know study time will be high and talk time might be more limited than we want..but does anyone have advice on making them work or success stories??? We really love each other and want to make this work.. we have been best friends for years and are crucial support systems for each other...but a sense of worry and nervousness about being so far apart has settled over me...
 
hlkcrdnek, i agree with you. i am expecting to be in a similar situation, my bf is most likely going to vanderbilt for law school next year. it will be difficult of course, but we are trying to think of all the positives. trading a three year (in our case) sacrifice for a great education and neither of us having to set our goals aside seems to be worth it. the next three years of school are going to be very stressful for us both, and the support system would definitely be nice. but, to look at the positives, last year was my first year of vet school, and the stress from my school alone was a bit straining. once both of us are in professional school, it may get a little rough. it would also add a lot of stress to be living together and not be able to enjoy doing the things we did together because both of us will be so busy and committed to other things at this time. it is also harmful to the relationship when we take out our stress on each other, which can be hard not to do when you are living together. whether you stay in close proximity to each other during school or not, there will be good and bad. so we are choosing to look at the good, knowing the experience will make us stronger and better in the end. you will also find many people in a very similar situation as you, and you will find a whole new support network. welcome to uf! 🙂
 
shortnsweet- unfortunately there is no easy answer. i was in a LDR with my now husband (who was a gen surgeon then plastic surgeon resident at the time) for 6-years. we were together for a year before we went LDR. i decided not follow him though the urge was very strong. i had to have my own career and finish school so i wouldn't have any regrets or resentment. besides, there was no ring on my finger at that time. if there was a ring, i probably would have considered following him. our LDR was tough for obvious reasons, ie stress, not being to see or speak to each other easily or whenever, and we cooled off for a month then realized we can't live without each even through LDR. in retrospect, it was a good test for our relationship. any relationship that lasts through LD is a strong one and can withstand any challenges. after 6-yrs, we are happily married. we are inseparable despite our history of LDR. good luck with your decision.
 
JL050606 said:
shortnsweet- unfortunately there is no easy answer. i was in a LDR with my now husband (who was a gen surgeon then plastic surgeon resident at the time) for 6-years. we were together for a year before we went LDR. i decided not follow him though the urge was very strong. i had to have my own career and finish school so i wouldn't have any regrets or resentment. besides, there was no ring on my finger at that time. if there was a ring, i probably would have considered following him. our LDR was tough for obvious reasons, ie stress, not being to see or speak to each other easily or whenever, and we cooled off for a month then realized we can't live without each even through LDR. in retrospect, it was a good test for our relationship. any relationship that lasts through LD is a strong one and can withstand any challenges. after 6-yrs, we are happily married. we are inseparable despite our history of LDR. good luck with your decision.
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Thank you...I think just knowing i'm not alone and that other people have been through this is what I needed to hear...i'm glad things worked out so well for you!! It gives me hope that if things are meant to be, then they will. Like you said, there is no ring, and right now in my life I need to put my career first so I can live without regrets. But I am glad, for now, that I have his support and understanding of what the other is going through with the stress of med school and moving. I know he will always be a part of my life somehow, we just have to live each day as it comes.

Thanks again for sharing your story!!
 
I don't know how much I can help on the international perspective.

My first husband and I met my freshman year of college. Then I transferred and he went on dialysis, so couldn't relocate. I moved from PA to IL. The next 3 years were distance with visits few and far...and some off and on. Obviously, dialysis was a lot of stress and he struggled with depression while I was frustrated by the entire situation.

Then he received a kidney/pancreas tranplant in my Sr. Year. We married the following summer before i left for a year of international travel/research. I was constantly busy, and we didn't have a lot of time. We relied more on email, shared journaling, and photo exchanges than talking. He couldn't travel with me due to immunosupression.

He died the year following my return (organ rejection). Near the end, he was insistent that I never regret pursueing my dreams...that we both grew as individuals and that this travel contributed to that. So, I can't say it was easy, but even with loss, I haven't regretted it.

I may be looking at international again; hubby (2nd) may be assigned for 6mo-1yr to Hong Kong. I think if it happens, we will rely more heavily on internet than phone....now we rely on phone calls and visits.
 
Wow! You are a very strong person after going through all that. After reading this I admire you so much now. I can't imagine, not even close, the pain of losing a significant other, someone so close.
 
thanks, but I wasn't strong at the time. I was angry at the medical world and his family. and, in the end, he was so uncomfortable, that the actual passing was almost a silver lining. Plus...medical treatment is incredibly expensive, even if you are on medicare/health insurance....so it took a real toll on us financially and htat just added to the problems and pressures. also, he wanted to die before he actually did... which made the passing easier, but the period leading up to it harder.

Either way, my point is kind of the same...no matter what, we are developing as people, and always balancing priorities. Alot of people think that prioritization means ranking things, doing direct comparisons, and putting an order on the important, but it isn't really that way to me. It is about chunking the time we have between various priorities to do the best we can both in the near and distant future, for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities. For me, this is important to who I am as a whole person, which makes it important to my relationship with my husband, and to my husband.

That didn't make it any easier when he was tearing up and saying how much he is gong to miss me this semester. It is only 3.5 hours away from each other...but with busy schedules, it will still be problematic. I keep reminding myself that we started dating at 3.5 hours apart...and with me working out to sea for 3-4 weeks at a time...how much harder can this be? I don't have to worry aobut what country he is in htis week, or whether he will be home when I get home after a month (we have access to phones!) and he doesn't have to worry about every ponpon and mayday notice.
 
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