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- Mar 12, 2005
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I show up at my regular 0640 arrival, stride into the anesthesia office, glancing at my assigned penance.
The paper containing the physician's duties glares back at me this morning like Tiger's wife armed with a golf club:
OB, Pain, Lines.
I had a swagger in my step upon arrival. After reading my assignment, my swagger now feels like the pariah FSU kicker kicking wide right against The U.
"Ahhh, f u k it," I say to myself. Maybe it'll be a light day and I won't have to face the obstructionalistic, non-helping, "YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, MUTHAF UKKA!" attitude that ensconces the labor and delivery unit at my hospital.
OB, Pain, and Lines, as an assignment in our group, means you cover labor and delivery, drop lines in the ICU like Nick Nolte drops tequila shots, and in your spare time laugh round on the twenty or so patients with post-op PCAs or epidurals.
I accept my penance and continue my routine.
Pour a cuppa bad coffee into one of those tiny styrofoam cups, breach the door to the men's place, hang up my WHITE COAT, change from my black clogs into my orange OR clogs, banter into the restroom, take a ......
you get the gig.
I have a morning routine.
After all the above occurs, my Droid's soothing text message alert sounds.
I know better, though. There ain't nothing soothing in this text.
THIS AIN'T GOOD.
Why? Because not too many people have my cell number. Uhhh, lets see: family members...I know my kids are OK since just twenty minutes ago I dropped them off to their mom.....my sister? Yeah, she's good. Friends? Of course there could be some rare emergent situation but I'm thinking thats not the case. Which leaves people at work. I've found it more efficient to communicate with our CRNAs via text rather than our paging system.
Which means it's probably the CRNA assigned to OB on this beautiful day, needing to establish contact with me.
Which means I'm gonna starve, since the six eggs over medium with those beautiful two pancakes, and the "can I have a cuppla extra syrups please, ma'am?"
IS GONNA REGRETFULLY HAFFTA WAIT.
I begrudgingly pull my Droid outta my scrub shirt and touch messages.
Its Brandy, our CRNA in OB today. Message says:
"Rolling back soon with C section. Nonreassuring HTs. Pt has HELP."
OK.
I've been at work for, like TEN MINUTES...I haven't even been able to take a sip of the sh itty coffee outta this ridiculously little styrofoam cup....
AND I'VE GOTTA DEAL WITH A C SECTION WITH A LADY WITH HELLP SYNDROME.
Fabulous.
Mind as well inform me that my prostate is enlarged and I'm gonna need a root canal next week.
I take my first sip of the questionable hospital coffee brew out of the stupid styrofoam cup. It sucks, as usual.
I text Brandy back:
"Coming."
THERE IT IS. A BEAUTIFUL MORNING IN LOUISIANA, RUINED BY A SINISTER TEXT FROM A CO WORKER.
Which I've gotta manage.
Within the next thirty minutes.
I call Brandy. She tells me about the patient. 29 y/o girl, G2, no coexisting morbidities. Healthy girl, other than this HELP s h it.
Platelets drawn a cuppla hours ago: 150.
She looks totally asymptomatic.
I'm speaking largely to our resident audience, cuz in private practice you will be faced with this, or something similar someday.
LEMME SUM THIS CASE UP FOR YA:
You....YOU...are gonna haffta anesthetize this chica somehow within the next THIRTY MINUTES.
Yeah, you could argue, you need more time, you're overwhelmed, whats her NPO status, the tennis net is too low, you've gotta pick up your kids, is the consent signed, do we have a potassium, is she really sane to sign the consent, her husband looks and smells like he recently imbibed on some smooth hydroponics so can he really sign the consent, etc etc etc
Dude. Ya gotta do the case.
Within thirty minutes. Assume the OB doc is credible and is truly concerned about the baby and wants to get the baby out YESTERDAY.
WHATCHA GONNA DO, DOCTOR?
The paper containing the physician's duties glares back at me this morning like Tiger's wife armed with a golf club:
OB, Pain, Lines.
I had a swagger in my step upon arrival. After reading my assignment, my swagger now feels like the pariah FSU kicker kicking wide right against The U.
"Ahhh, f u k it," I say to myself. Maybe it'll be a light day and I won't have to face the obstructionalistic, non-helping, "YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, MUTHAF UKKA!" attitude that ensconces the labor and delivery unit at my hospital.
OB, Pain, and Lines, as an assignment in our group, means you cover labor and delivery, drop lines in the ICU like Nick Nolte drops tequila shots, and in your spare time laugh round on the twenty or so patients with post-op PCAs or epidurals.
I accept my penance and continue my routine.
Pour a cuppa bad coffee into one of those tiny styrofoam cups, breach the door to the men's place, hang up my WHITE COAT, change from my black clogs into my orange OR clogs, banter into the restroom, take a ......
you get the gig.
I have a morning routine.
After all the above occurs, my Droid's soothing text message alert sounds.
I know better, though. There ain't nothing soothing in this text.
THIS AIN'T GOOD.
Why? Because not too many people have my cell number. Uhhh, lets see: family members...I know my kids are OK since just twenty minutes ago I dropped them off to their mom.....my sister? Yeah, she's good. Friends? Of course there could be some rare emergent situation but I'm thinking thats not the case. Which leaves people at work. I've found it more efficient to communicate with our CRNAs via text rather than our paging system.
Which means it's probably the CRNA assigned to OB on this beautiful day, needing to establish contact with me.
Which means I'm gonna starve, since the six eggs over medium with those beautiful two pancakes, and the "can I have a cuppla extra syrups please, ma'am?"
IS GONNA REGRETFULLY HAFFTA WAIT.
I begrudgingly pull my Droid outta my scrub shirt and touch messages.
Its Brandy, our CRNA in OB today. Message says:
"Rolling back soon with C section. Nonreassuring HTs. Pt has HELP."
OK.
I've been at work for, like TEN MINUTES...I haven't even been able to take a sip of the sh itty coffee outta this ridiculously little styrofoam cup....
AND I'VE GOTTA DEAL WITH A C SECTION WITH A LADY WITH HELLP SYNDROME.
Fabulous.
Mind as well inform me that my prostate is enlarged and I'm gonna need a root canal next week.
I take my first sip of the questionable hospital coffee brew out of the stupid styrofoam cup. It sucks, as usual.
I text Brandy back:
"Coming."
THERE IT IS. A BEAUTIFUL MORNING IN LOUISIANA, RUINED BY A SINISTER TEXT FROM A CO WORKER.
Which I've gotta manage.
Within the next thirty minutes.
I call Brandy. She tells me about the patient. 29 y/o girl, G2, no coexisting morbidities. Healthy girl, other than this HELP s h it.
Platelets drawn a cuppla hours ago: 150.
She looks totally asymptomatic.
I'm speaking largely to our resident audience, cuz in private practice you will be faced with this, or something similar someday.
LEMME SUM THIS CASE UP FOR YA:
You....YOU...are gonna haffta anesthetize this chica somehow within the next THIRTY MINUTES.
Yeah, you could argue, you need more time, you're overwhelmed, whats her NPO status, the tennis net is too low, you've gotta pick up your kids, is the consent signed, do we have a potassium, is she really sane to sign the consent, her husband looks and smells like he recently imbibed on some smooth hydroponics so can he really sign the consent, etc etc etc
Dude. Ya gotta do the case.
Within thirty minutes. Assume the OB doc is credible and is truly concerned about the baby and wants to get the baby out YESTERDAY.
WHATCHA GONNA DO, DOCTOR?
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