What
@miacomet is going through is actually pretty common for men not just in retirement but as early as their 30's:
"Levinson writes that this transition is often stressful. He calls it an “Age Thirty Crisis.”
This happens when a man’s current life structure is intolerable, but for whatever reason, they are unable to form a better one. A moderate or severe crisis is common during this period.
The Age Thirty Transition often begins with a vague uneasiness, a feeling that something is missing or wrong in your life. At this point, men sense that they must either find a new direction and make new choices or strengthen their commitment to the choices they’ve already made.
For some men, the process is smooth. By thirty, they feel their lives are reasonably complete. Still, it’s possible that they are not acknowledging flaws in their lives, which “often surface at a later time, when they exact a heavier cost.”
Sixty-two percent of the men interviewed in the book went through a moderate or severe age thirty crisis.
Many assume that people in their twenties have a good idea of what career they want. “This assumption,” the book states, “is erroneous.”
For some reason, it is a widely-held belief that people form their occupational paths in a steady, single-track manner.
Levinson writes that “this sequence was not the norm in any of our occupational groups.”
Levinson and his team discovered that it was the rule rather than the exception that young men faced setbacks, frustrations, and distractions when trying to decide on a career.
This was true regardless of their social class or occupational trajectory.
Young men often struggle for years to discover what they want to do for a living. It’s not uncommon to change one’s mind several times during this period of early adulthood.
It’s also a major step to commit to one particular line of work.
If men successfully complete the Age Thirty Transition—the final stage of young adulthood—they then enter what Levinson calls the “Settling Down” period.
This is a crucial step in adult development.
The main task of the Settling Down period is to commit to a few key choices and to invest yourself as fully as possible in your family, work, friendships, community, and personal interests.
As Levinson writes, by the early thirties, “A man has a stronger sense of urgency to ‘get serious,’ to be responsible, to decide what is truly important and shape his life accordingly.”
The Settling Down period typically extends from age 32-33 to age 39-42.
This phase of life involves assigning certain relationships, aspirations, and aspects of yourself to a more prominent place in your life. It also requires relegating other things to the back burner or ceasing them altogether.
In their mid-thirties and early forties, men who successfully enter the Settling Down period attain seniority at work. This brings money and prestige, but it also comes with burdens and responsibilities. Men in this phase let go of childhood conflicts which can sometimes plague early adulthood.
Levinson says there are two major tasks of the Settling Down period.
The first is to establish one’s place in society. It means to create a sufficiently orderly and stable life, to plant some roots and become a respected member of one’s community by contributing to young people the knowledge you have accrued in your own early adulthood. It means investing in existing romantic and social relationships.
The second major task is to advance in the workplace. At this point in a man’s career, “he has a sense of being on the low rung of the ladder, preparing to make his way to the top. Imagery of the ladder is an important part of life in this period.” The higher rungs might represent wealth, recognition, power, prestige, recognition, professional achievement, and so on.
Often, one of these tasks predominates at the expense of the other. If one task is overly neglected, though, it can create great difficulty in a man’s life.
Then there’s the second half—the culmination of the Settling Down as a man enters his forties.
It involves sufficient advancement on the ladder, becoming a senior member of his chosen occupation, wisely exercising authority, and mentoring young people.
If you have successfully made it to this stage, you spend less time relying on others and more time being relied upon by others.
Still, many men reach their late thirties and feel that they have not accomplished enough or achieved what they wanted.
This can involve a sense of being held back, of being restrained either by others or by one’s own inner conflicts and inhibitions.
For example, the book outlines how in their thirties, many men enter the managerial ranks at work. Even though their primary occupational interest was not in executive functions but in their original work (e.g., engineering or accounting), men will often get promoted into being a manager. At this point, many men get stuck in a role that does not interest them."
