Hello my dental pals, it's story time so gather around the campfire with Uncle Hammer as he recounts his epic struggles to overcome evil wizards, ogres, dragons and crown preps on #30 on a patient with a hyperactive tongue and a hair trigger gag reflex. It's a little story that I like to call.........
Dr. Ziggy Hammer and the Spiders from Memphis
(all apologies to David Bowie)
Way back in 1989 I was a senior at UT in Knoxville. I was getting a BA in microbiology and zoology with a minor in classics. I was supposed to have graduated in 1988 but I broke my left leg in 8 places on a skiing trip and had to drop out of school for a little while (6 months actually) while my leg healed.
During my convalescence UT went from a quarter system to semesters and my college hours were screwed up. So I decided to become a fifth year senior and get a double major. My fifth year was actually pretty fun, I was working for a concert promoter and living in a frat house and I had a brand new 5.0 Mustang. For a redneck like me it was heaven.
I had entertained the idea of becoming a doctor for sometime. I had shadowed dentists, orthodontists and oral surgeons and I had also worked at an ER to see how I felt about medicine. Eventually I decided that I wanted a Masters in Biology concentrating in physiological genetics which fascinated me. One professor I was working for was looking for the genetic origin of spicule formation in embryonic brittle stars and the other professor I was working for was doing some ground breaking working in recombinant DNA research, using e.coli plasmids as vectors for gene insertion. The modified plasmids' e.coli hosts were then grown in agitation vats and eventually harvested. I spent a lot of time taking care of those stinky vats and it was those vats that eventually made me take the first steps to becoming a dentist.
One Saturday night I had been in the vat lab all day. I had been studying for some test that I had coming up. It was approaching midnight so I took a break and went back to my room. The girl that I was dating at the time was studying economics at Vanderbilt and we had an arrangement that when we were apart for a weekend one of us would call the other at midnight. It was her turn to call me so I went back to my room and waited for her call. Midnight on a Saturday night my frat house was swarming with activity. Some people were going out and some were coming back in. Everybody seemed to be doing something or someone and it all looked like fun to me. I went in my room and my roommate was having sex with his girlfriend in the upper bunk of our bunk beds. I said "Don't mind me" and they didn't, they just kept doing what they had been doing before I got there.
At the stroke of Midnight the phone rings and it is my girlfriend Kim calling from Nashville where it is 11pm. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello.
Kim: Hey sweetie what are you doing? (lots of crowd noise in the background)
Me: Oh the usual. Watching Jeff and Lisa screw while talking to you on the phone.
Kim: AGAIN? Do they actually ever go out and do anything?
Me: Nope, they only leave for Cool Ranch Doritos, KY and antibiotics (Kim laughs). So what are you up too.
Kim: Oh well the girls and I met some nice guys from Europe and we have been showing them Nashville. We went to the Boundary and now we're at Mere Bulles (a chic wine bar) drinking wine and watching them try to decide which one of us they are going to try to f$ck. (Kim laughs again)
In the background some dude with an accent says "Come on Kim (he pronounces it KEEM) come back and drink some more wine with us.
Me: Well it looks like Mr. Continental has his eyes on you. Ask him if it is fashionable in Milan to walk around with my foot up his *****. (Kim laughs)
Kim: Oh, don't worry sweetheart, these guys are paying for everything and once they run out of money, I run out the door. International relationships are for the UN not the K I M.
Me: Well cool then, I've got to get back to my vats and I'll let you get back to the Euro-trash. I love you.
Kim: I love you too have fun in the lab. (Kim hangs up)
Once I got back to the vat lab I was feeling depressed. "So this is what my life has come to," I thought to myself. While my girlfriend was out having fun scamming wine off of some European doucebags who were trying to establish international trade relations with my girlfriends private parts I was watching vats full of e.coli ever so slightly jiggle. It was at that moment that I had a profound WTF epiphany. I thought to myself "WTF am I doing? I don't want to spend the next 3 years stuck in a lab much less the rest of my life here. I'm going to apply to dental school first thing in the morning." And that's exactly what I did.
The story continues in my next post.........