Living together with your bf or gf?

[wusiwug04]

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What do you all think of the ideas of bf/gf moving in together before marriage? Are any student out there who is currently living with his or her gf/bf? How does that work out for you? What problems tend to arise when you live together with your bf/gf? I'd appreciate if you could share some of your experiences with me.

Thanks

 

[v-tach]

As a Christian, I believe that living together should be saved for marriage, due to the fact that sex is to be saved for marriage and if you're living together you will be much more likely to start having sex.

 

[GeneGoddess]

I lived with my husband for about 18mo before we got married. Financially, emotionally, and geographically, it was a good decision for us. My sis and her husband did the same thing. Of course, neither my husband, nor I, are Christian, so pre-marital sex wasn't a sin for us. 🙂


But neither of us would have lived together if we hadn't planned to get married. There are lots of "best" things about it. Worst is that if you get in a fight, you can't leave and "go home".

 

[BDavis]

What do you all think of the ideas of bf/gf moving in together before marriage? Are any student out there who is currently living with his or her gf/bf? How does that work out for you? What problems tend to arise when you live together with your bf/gf? I'd appreciate if you could share some of your experiences with me.

Thanks

My girlfriend also moved in with me for ~6 months before we got married, but we were engaged at the time. It worked out well for us in that it saved us a lot of money for rent, utilities, food, and other unexpected expenses. I also liked it because we bought a house together so we got a chance to get settled before the wedding. At first we had some differences over how we spent money and how to divide chores, but it was easily resolved. Also you start to realize the little things about the other person that annoy you. I think we were able to resolve our differences so after the wedding it was smooth sailing. We also had premaritial counseling before we moved in together. Hope this helps and good luck.

 

[electric]

My partner and I have been living together for almost three years. We dated for one year before we moved in together. We're commited, but don't plan to get married. It doesn't really appeal to either of us. Although, after looking at how much lower insurance for a vehicle would be if we were married, it *is* tempting. That, and all the gift-age from a wedding. But I think we'll pass on that.

Overall, it's worked out great. We've lived through the last year of his engineering program and the first two years of my pre-vet med, so there has been some stress. Right now, our schedules totally conflict; I'm getting off work and/or school as he is heading out to work. So we get to see a lot of the other person sleeping. I think this would be much more stressful if it was constantly like that, but the company he works for right now moves everybody's schedule around every other week or so.

I think it works best when you are committed, whether that is before a wedding or even without a wedding in the picture. You do find out very quickly if the daily 'stuff' is going to work. I think that is what ultimately can be hard on partnerships of any sort; not the big, earth-shaking events, but the total of the daily wear and tear. Relationships need maintance, just like anything else that 'works'.

Obviously, I don't feel sex should be saved for marriage. I've always had a hard time understanding why people feel that way. I think it gets so built up that people are horribly disappointed that it isn't everything they imagined it would be. But rather than step back and consider that, they wonder if there is something wrong with themselves or with the other person.

I also think that waiting to get married before having sex puts too much stress on sexual attraction during your relationship before you get married. An extreme example would be people getting married who, after the 'big night' don't really have much going on in their relationship after the sexual tension is relieved. Sure, sex changes your relationship. But once you get over it, there is so much more room for your relationship to grow. Like living together, sex is only a part of your relationship not the total.

 

[delchrys]

two self-honest, responsible, mature, honest people, should they move in together, will learn one of two things: they can make it work; they can't make it work.

learning which one your relationship is PRIOR to marriage is prudent, i think.

 

[fourthyearmed]

While I am not super religious, I don't believe in living together before marriage. It just seems wrong. If you want to live together then get married. What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while? What becomes different? How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

 

[v-tach]

While I am not super religious, I don't believe in living together before marriage. It just seems wrong. If you want to live together then get married. What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while? What becomes different? How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

Excellent point.

 

[delchrys]

first off, it's not about the presents you get when you marry. if that's a reason to get married, you have a lot of growing up to do still.

i would argue that it's about your friends and family celebrating your decision (that of you and your spouse-to-be) to commit to each other in the most permanent way our society allows--marriage.

second of all, living together prior to marriage does not somehow "stain" the value of marriage; you get to learn a LOT about a person before marrying them if you live together first. things that are critical to living in harmony for a lifetime. things like how dominant are you/your partner when it comes to living space? how much "alone time" do each of you need on a weekly basis, and how does that make the other feel? personal space is a huge issue; i probably would have married my ex-gf if we hadn't lived together first, but luckily i DID live with her for a year and in that time i realized how overly-needy and emotionally dependent she was, and i saw what a negative impact it had on me.

i believe you should be happy in marriage, and if you deliberately hide your eyes so that you cannot know the person well enough prior to marriage (i.e., you don't live together first), then you are making what is already a big craps shoot into a huge huge HUGE craps shoot, odds against you.

i have a question for you, now. what "advantages of marriage" were you referring to, aside from gifts???

 

[tlew12778]

Very well said delchrys.

I basically agree with everything eletric said too.

We live together and plan on getting married. We've also basically lived together since we first started dating. For me, it's practical. We save money on rent, we've learned how to live with each other (chores, finances, etc), and well... it's convenient in terms of seeing each other obviously.

And as for this:

What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while?

If I didn't want kids, I could probably skip the marriage part. But I don't want my kids growing up with some stigma bc his or her parents aren't married. And yes, while it's more popular nowadays that two parents aren't married, the expectation that they will be still exists.

What becomes different?

I don't know, but I'll be more than happy to tell you once we get married. Some people (who have cohabitated before marriage) say the level of intimacy changes, some say nothing changes at all. But why does anything *have* to change anyway?

Oh actually, there are some legal and financial benefits of marriage come to think of it...

How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

Why do you think a wedding is something one *deserves*? It's not a prize for having sacrificed yourself. Furthermore, you are assuming that everyone wants a big, elaborate wedding. What about the people who get married at the JOP or elope somewhere?

 

[Dodohead]

My husband and I didn't live together before marriage. We are both religious (Christian) and wanted to wait until marriage before we had sex. I'm grateful that we did. Our marriage hasn't suffered in the least.

One of the resounding themes of this thread is that marriage is about a lifelong committment. Inevitably, you will have problems with your spouse whether you live with them before marriage, or not. I think that if you both take your marriage vows seriously, and work hard together, compromising together and learning how to share and make a home together, that that committment you have made to one another will help make the difficulties with living with a new person manageable.

 

[Fed Meat]

There are numerous studies out there that show that those who begin cohabiting before marriage are more likely to divorce if they marry than those who don't and more likely to engage in extramarital affairs. That alone should raise some red flags.

Here's one for a for instance:

The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together
(Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

 

[Dodohead]

The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together
(Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

Although I agree with you in terms of the facts (ie, people who cohabitate before marriage tend to divorce more often than those who do not), I don't know that the trend is necessarily causational, as has been pointed out in other threads.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

While I respect and understand that some people have learned a lot about their partners by living with them, to say that you have to live with someone to really know them well enough to marry is just plain silly. I think living together may amplify potential problems (as in make it more obvious that someone is needy, whiney, etc), but lots of people have been able to see the potential "issues" their relationships will have without cohabitation.

 

[pathdr2b]

Why marry the cow, when you can get the sex without a formal commitment?

 

[fourthyearmed]

i have a question for you, now. what "advantages of marriage" were you referring to, aside from gifts???

Being a good Southern girl who was raised to believe living together before marriage is wrong, I believe that one of the advantages of marriage IS living together with your significant other and that is why you should wait. Others include sex, children, etc. As pathdr2b stated "why buy the cow when you can get the sex without a formal committment?" Do you want to be the free cow? I don't. My beliefs are not based on religion so don't take this as a "religious nut comment". I simply believe in high moral values. I am not married and personally could care less about expensive wedding gifts. I just want it to be special when I get married, not just another day where I go home to the same house with the same person. I want to go home together for the first time newly married. Maybe I'm just a romantic. 😍

 

[Neuronix]

I live with my girlfriend right now. We talk about marriage, though I still haven't gotten her the ring yet. While we maintained separate domiciles last year, we spent much of the year together with her sleeping at my place regularly. I think everything has worked out great so far! Her presence made my whole first year of med school so much better. 👍

As for everyone who thinks it's wrong, don't do it. I don't have any hang-ups about it and I've been enjoying the company. If anyone needs more specific information and doesn't want the nay-sayers, feel free to PM me! 🙂

 

[delchrys]

There are numerous studies out there that show that those who begin cohabiting before marriage are more likely to divorce if they marry than those who don't and more likely to engage in extramarital affairs. That alone should raise some red flags.

Here's one for a for instance:

The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together
(Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

think about WHY, dude! the demographic of people "likely to cohabitate prior to marriage" is going to be less conservative and less traditional than the demographic of people "unlikely to cohabitate prior to marriage". the unlikelys are the same crowd that will stay together even when they are unhappy, often with a traditional submissive and passive wife and domineering, controlling husband. they will stay together forever, unless he snaps and kills his wife and kids and them himself, or she grows up and becomes her own person and leaves. the cohabitators, on the other hand, are less likely to care what society thinks, less likely to be traditional in the sense of old school marriage rules, and thus more likely to get a divorce if they are truly unhappy.

in other words, the study, like most studies, is worthless for getting to the truth.

 

[pathdr2b]

I live with my girlfriend right now. We talk about marriage, though I still haven't gotten her the ring yet.

You may not be married yet, but you may as well have "married man" stamped on your forehead!

I know this by other comments you've written about your relationship on SDN however "vague" they appeared to everyone else. Just tell girlfriend to go ahead and pick out a dress!

 

[delchrys]

here's a perfect example...two people have used the phrase "why buy the farm when you can get the cow for free".

what?!?!?!

first, who is the cow? the woman, of course. the only instance i can think of where a woman would willingly refer to herself as a cow. this phrase, and the logic behind it, come from a bygone era where sex was something that socially, at least, people pretended didn't happen without marriage. that is no longer true. as a result, there is no reason to "need to get married" just to enjoy sex. the phrase is dead, and should stay that way.

second, the phrase implies that a woman is giving something up to the man (he gains sex, she loses...i don't know what....life without sex??!?) and that she should "hold out" against that until he "gives in" and marries her.

honestly, i don't know if the people who really believe the crap that gets said in here sometimes are just socially ******ed 18 year-olds or if they are really real adults who have lived life and all, but i am inclined to think the former. i've met several woman like this, actually. they tell me i'm dirty and bad for having slept with so many women, and then a few weeks later, when they find out that i won't judge them for it, we're having sex. call me a disgusting animal for putting it so bluntly, but i have ZERO patience for a woman who thinks her vagina is some special treat to be guarded against all the evil dirty men who want it...women like that are selfish lovers and have an extraordinarily unhealthy view of sex. pick and choose your partners, that's fine and wise, but when you start to see sex as a thing that women don't want and men do want, you have demented a beautiful and amazing physical and emotional process, and will likely pass your screwed up psychological issue to your kids. yay, thanks for helping out the cause of anorgasmia, vaginisumus, and all other female sexual dysfunction.

 

[Howard Roark]

While I am not super religious, I don't believe in living together before marriage. It just seems wrong. If you want to live together then get married. What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while? What becomes different? How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

blah blah blah............shut up!


.

 

[Neuronix]

For the ladies: "Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage?"

PS: medicalstudent9

 

[alison_in_oh]

What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while? What becomes different? How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

LOL.

I think that this attitude is what has devalued marriage in our society. 🙂

Marriage isn't about sex or "advantages". It's not about cohabiting and sharing chores. It's about cementing a commitment you've already made in your hearts by sharing it with those nearest and dearest to you, including your god if that's part of your life. 🙂 It's declaring that while you are two persons yet, there is only one life before you from here on out. 😉 You become a single unit in the eyes of government and society, and you invoke the strength of your community to help get your relationship through the rough bits.

I shared living space (spent all free time and shared chores and kept house) with the man who would be my husband for two years, lived with him (on the same lease) for over two years more, and even moved across the country with him to support his transition to medical school, joining my finances with his at that point, before becoming formally engaged. My parents were thrilled and eager to fund an expensive white-dress wedding and to welcome my husband as an official member of the family -- as they'd been treating him for years. We didn't expect gifts, and we discouraged them, but those who loved us were happy to show their approval of our union and their support as we opened a new chapter in our life together.

Marriage changed *everything* except the core commitment that has kept our relationship strong through the years.

Made the sex a lot better too. 😉

 

[relatively prime]

While I am not super religious, I don't believe in living together before marriage. It just seems wrong. If you want to live together then get married. What's the point in even getting married after you have lived together for a while? What becomes different? How do you suddenly deserve to have a wedding and all the expense gifts (not to mention the actual wedding) cost your friends and family when you've been having all the advantages of a marriage for years?

Living together is not the same as marriage. Aside from the legal benefits of marriage (taxes, insurance, etc.), the social benefit is that people acknowledge your relationship as completely committed. In our culture "my live-in life partner" still doesn't carry then same weight as "my wife" or "my husband." Marriage is meant to say "this is offically it! you are the one, forever and always!" to the world. Living together just tells everyone "ok, we're serious now... "

I think living together before marriage is a good idea for the same reason having sex before marriage is a good idea... it gives you both a much needed oppertunity to learn important things about each other you might not learn otherwise.

I think the whole ideal of not having sex or living together before marriage is just a relac of the days when there were arranged marriages. People didn't learn that much about each other before marriage because it wasn't up to them. Their spouses were picked for them. But in this day and age when we have to all pick our own partners (with virutally no help from family) we need to learn as much as we possibly can about our partners before we marry them.

 

[relatively prime]

Marriage isn't about sex or "advantages". It's not about cohabiting and sharing chores. It's about cementing a commitment you've already made in your hearts by sharing it with those nearest and dearest to you, including your god if that's part of your life. 🙂 It's declaring that while you are two persons yet, there is only one life before you from here on out. 😉 You become a single unit in the eyes of government and society, and you invoke the strength of your community to help get your relationship through the rough bits.

Well said! 👍

 

[relatively prime]

There are numerous studies out there that show that those who begin cohabiting before marriage are more likely to divorce if they marry than those who don't and more likely to engage in extramarital affairs. That alone should raise some red flags.

Here's one for a for instance:

The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together
(Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

LOL! I'd like you to meet my friend FORMAL LOGIC. I think someone already pointed this out... but the conclusions you've draw based on those numbers are totally bogus. People who don't live together before marriage are likely more traditional in their thinking than those who don't... therefore, those same people are less likely to get divorced. An association does not not prove causation.

 

[pathdr2b]

I think living together before marriage is a good idea for the same reason having sex before marriage is a good idea... it gives you both a much needed oppertunity to learn important things about each other you might not learn otherwise.

I personally think living together/premartial sex is a terrible idea, so call me old fashioned. I know a few young ladies and men who are waiting for marriage and quite frankly they have far less relationship "drama" than other people.

 

[relatively prime]

I personally think living together/premartial sex is a terrible idea, so call me old fashioned. I know a few young ladies and men who are waiting for marriage and quite frankly they have far less relationship "drama" than other people.

Well of course!! Let people live apart and take sex out of the picture and what drama would there be?

In my mind, marrying someone without having sex with them is like buying a car without test-driving it first... it's just doesn't make good sense. Relationships change once sex enters the picture, and people should know that their relationship will welcome that change.

Marriage should be the final seal and signature on a relationship. It should be what comes after knowing for 100% sure this is the person for you. Having sex and living together are good ways to make sure you want this person forever and always.

It's not just about divorce, it's about being happy together forever. A lot of couples (particularly the same traditional ones who put everything off until after marriage) if they do become unhappy together they stay together anyway... just because they don't believe in divorce. This isn't good either.

 

[doglover]

Marriage changed *everything* except the core commitment that has kept our relationship strong through the years.

Made the sex a lot better too. 😉

👍

This discussion is hilarious! I'm loving it. Thanks Neuronix for the "little sausage" quote. I lived with my husband before we were married, after we got engaged, and I don't have any strong opinions one way or another - just do whatever you want and what feels right to you. I do know there wasn't anything I learned about him after shacking up that I didn't know before, but then again we had been together for several years. And - having been raised around some true southern Christian "good girls" - I hope some of these folks aren't doing the "everything but sex" hypocritical routine.

To the OP - one thing to consider also is this - if you're going to be spending a lot of time at each other's houses and sleeping over - probably it would save a lot of money to just have one house.

 

[LukeWhite]

In my mind, marrying someone without having sex with them is like buying a car without test-driving it first...

A common metaphor, and not a very good one. Here's a better one: Marrying someone without having sex with them is like buying underwear without wearing it first. Sure, if you end up making the purchase, all is well. If you don't, then everyone's the worse for wear.

Reasonable people can disagree with this. If they do, though, I tend to wonder what virtue they see in marriage in the first place.

 

[pathdr2b]

A common metaphor, and not a very good one. Here's a better one: Marrying someone without having sex with them is like buying underwear without wearing it first. Sure, if you end up making the purchase, all is well. If you don't, then everyone's the worse for wear..

SDN post of the year!! 👍

Reasonable people can disagree with this. If they do, though, I tend to wonder what virtue they see in marriage in the first place.

Good point! 👍

 

[mudbug]

A common metaphor, and not a very good one. Here's a better one: Marrying someone without having sex with them is like buying underwear without wearing it first. Sure, if you end up making the purchase, all is well. If you don't, then everyone's the worse for wear.

Because a person who has had sex is like a soiled pair of underwear? I'm failing to see any greatness in this metaphor.

 

[pathdr2b]

Because a person who has had sex is like a soiled pair of underwear? I'm failing to see any greatness in this metaphor.

You guys are REALLY cracking me up!!!!

 

[pathdr2b]

Because a person who has had sex is like a soiled pair of underwear? I'm failing to see any greatness in this metaphor.

On another note, men seem to prefer "unsoiled" underwear over "soiled" ones. What's up with that? 😕

We women, we just get used to washing them out both metaphorically and in real life!

 

[LukeWhite]

Mudbug,

Rather, because there's a sense of exclusivity and, to some degree, trust, that's lost otherwise. I'm not going to belabor the metaphor by extending it further; it's an unpleasant metaphor for an unpleasant situation.

It seems to me that anyone who considers marriage at all sacred, however you define that word, as opposed to a civil contract of convenience, has to accept that in the act of sex, there's a degree of sacrifice. All fine and good to say, but if that's agreed with, one also has to agree that sacrifice does in fact involve giving something up that otherwise wouldn't be.

It can be argued otherwise, obviously, but I really don't see how someone can both claim that sex has any sanctity and then state that it's some sort of qualifying factor for marriage rather than marriage itself. It's qualititatively different from other factors one considers in marraige because it's an act, rather than a trait. Treating it as just one more aspect of the person to be evaluated demeans, and to use your word, soils everyone involved.

 

[exigente chica]

.

 

[relatively prime]

I firmly beleive that living together is a good predictor of a number of things in a relationship, and I am glad that I did it. It is stressful at times not having enough alone time and the intimacy levels decrease..but if you can make it through the "day to day" things smoothly..then great..that's what really matters...

Would you rather know or not know?

Exigente

Exactly... it's easy to be in love when you know you can always go home at the end of the day. Dating just can't give you the same experience as seeing that person every free moment of the day!

 

[fourthyearmed]

Exactly... it's easy to be in love when you know you can always go home at the end of the day. Dating just can't give you the same experience as seeing that person every free moment of the day!

Exactly - and this is why they invented marriage. Either you're married or you're not - period. I still don't see why you need to go through the ritual of marriage when you're already living together. What makes things different? And don't forget - if you live together long enough it is a common law marriage so obviously living together is meant to equal marriage.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Exactly - and this is why they invented marriage. Either you're married or you're not - period. I still don't see why you need to go through the ritual of marriage when you're already living together. What makes things different? And don't forget - if you live together long enough it is a common law marriage so obviously living together is meant to equal marriage.

Actually, common law marriages only exist in a few states (Alabama, Colorado, District of Columbia, Georgia (if created before 1/97), Idaho (if created before 1/96), Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only), Ohio (if created before 10/91), Oklahoma, Pennsylvania (if created before 9/03), Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah). And each of those states has different rules for what defines a common law marriage. In Texas, for example, all a couple has to do is live together (no minimum time period) and represent themselves as married (call themselves "husband" or "wife", file joint tax returns, etc). And, once you represent yourself as married, moving to another state doesn't matter: you are still married. However, if you should chose to separate, you MUST get a legal divorce. My husband and I lived together before we were married and, after 6mo, became "common law married" in order to rent a car (Tropical Storm Allison hit, husband lost his car, I rented one, but he could only drive it if we were married, etc etc). I even framed the rental car contract and we refer to it as "our first marriage certificate". We got engaged 6mo later and married 9mo after that.

I would never live with someone before I knew that I would marry them, and my husband was the same way. We knew that we wanted to get married eventually, but we weren't ready at the time. It's not about the sex (usually). And trust me, being married is DIFFERENT! In some ways, living together is the same as being married: you learn how he squeezes the toothpaste and if he likes to study until 2am with R&B in the background. But being MARRIED is different...it's another level of commitment. A friend of mine married his girlfriend, but they didn't live in the same city until 18 MONTHS after the wedding...a twelve hour drive separated them! Did it feel different before and after the wedding for them? Yes, even though they went home to different states after the honeymoon. My husband and I went home to the same place, with mingled clothes in the laundry and his toothbrush beside mine, but it was different. It's hard to explain (obviously).

I've known people who did not live together before marriage, who did live together, and who live together and never married (some became common law, some did not). Do what works for YOU and your SO.

 

[cellochik]

You know, before I read all of this thread I was confused as to how I feel about the fact that my boyfriend and I are NEVER planning to get married. I've been raised in Oklahoma and have some ideals that have been beaten into my head since I was a very young girl. However, this thread PISSES ME OFF. My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and means just as much as it would if we were to ever get married. We lived together this past year and we definitely had our problems, but working through them is what it's all about. And we did that. Now, he's in his first year of med. school in Chicago and I'm still in Oklahoma finishing a music degree. Things are still great, but I would much rather be living with him right now.

Basically, to everyone who thinks you should only live together if you're planning on getting married: What about all of the homosexual couples in our country? 1 in 10 people are gay. That's a HUGE part of our communities.

To those who have made the decision not to have sex or live together before marriage: More power to you. It's an individual decision and there is no sense in saying it should be one way or another.

Just know that by living with your significant other you put yourself in situations with them that may not arise otherwise. I learned SO MUCH about myself and my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he learned some things as well. And that is the best thing I could have hoped for because I feel that I'm a better person now for it.

 

[GeneGoddess]

Basically, to everyone who thinks you should only live together if you're planning on getting married: What about all of the homosexual couples in our country? 1 in 10 people are gay. That's a HUGE part of our communities.

Well, I think that gay marriage should be legalized and that they have the right to marry. Period.

Also, I don't think that everyone who lives together should do so only if they plan to get married. I said that *I* should. I think that most Americans are too hung up on the sexual aspect of living together anyway. Living together and marriage is not just about sex, people!

 

[relatively prime]

Exactly - and this is why they invented marriage. Either you're married or you're not - period. I still don't see why you need to go through the ritual of marriage when you're already living together. What makes things different? And don't forget - if you live together long enough it is a common law marriage so obviously living together is meant to equal marriage.

In addition to points made by GeneGoddess (that common law marriage is not the same as "real" marriage and that it's not available in every state), marriage is a lifetime committment. Two people can shack up together and not have a lifetime committment to each other. Living together is just living together... but marriage is saying "I'll be with you exclusively forever."

I don't live with my husband. Our educations have forced us to live apart for several years. So I KNOW that marriage is something more than living together. So unless you want to tell me my marriage isn't real... I don't see where you can go with this...

 

[alison_in_oh]

My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and means just as much as it would if we were to ever get married

Well, of course it does. That's the whole point. At some point in your relationship, your commitment will reach the level of true lifelong devotion. The process to get there takes different routes. Some people don't need a marriage ceremony to seal the deal. I didn't think we did. We had a wonderful committed relationship before getting engaged. I had nary a qualm about following my lifemate across the country to support him in his new endeavor of starting med school. Through the engagement though, I learned how much marriage could mean to me and I'm glad to be able to call him my husband now.

Basically, to everyone who thinks you should only live together if you're planning on getting married: What about all of the homosexual couples in our country? 1 in 10 people are gay. That's a HUGE part of our communities.

You're implying that same-sex couples can't marry. That's actually the core of my defense of marriage rant earlier in the thread. Go ahead and tell those couples who were married in San Francisco and Boston earlier this year that after tens of years of committed cohabitation that the ability to actually marry their loved one was meaningless. To many people, that label of husband or wife is important. It doesn't have anything to do with sex or cohabitation. It's engaging the power of appearances: when people see you invariably, culturally, as a unified front it lends strength to your relationship. Some people value that extra strength, that shoring-up of an already strong structure.

To those who have made the decision not to have sex or live together before marriage: More power to you. It's an individual decision and there is no sense in saying it should be one way or another.

And to this I absolutely agree. The path that lead my husband and myself over the course of six years from dating to dalliance to commitment to marriage was the perfect one for us. Our relationship, our love bloomed more fully every step of the way. But just as I'd hate for anyone to tell me I screwed up by having sex and cohabiting before marriage, I'm not about to turn the tables on anyone else by implying that they have to test-drive their SO for things to possibly work. Everyone's different. Everyone's unique and every relationship unfolds organically. Go with the flow, and enjoy the ride. 🙂

fourthyearmed: you don't understand because you haven't done it, and you won't unless you do. 🙂 There is simply no explaining it. I tried. If that wasn't convincing to you, eh. So be it.

Just got back from a wonderful wedding. Got to hang out with the bride and groom the next morning. So, so happy. Yes, they cohabited. Considering that they received the Catholic sacrament of matrimony, I'd say the ceremony was pretty important to them. The priest had some great things to say about the value of that sacrament, and the benefit that a married couple brings to a community...

 

[ArmCandy]

Why marry the cow, when you can get the sex without a formal commitment?

What if you marry the cow and the milks sour? Best to taste it first.

I hear you have to be carefull those with tricky cows. You look at one thinking the milks gonna be of the lowfat variety, so you buy it. Then bam they pull the switcheroo, and it's whole milk for the rest of your life. 😱 😱

 

[neuronerd]

two self-honest, responsible, mature, honest people, should they move in together, will learn one of two things: they can make it work; they can't make it work.

learning which one your relationship is PRIOR to marriage is prudent, i think.

Enough said. I lived with my boyfriend (although I don't now) and it was the best decision I ever made. I learned what I wanted to deal with and what I did not, so it won't come as a suprise to me when we get married.
I don't think that there should be any stigma attached to moving in with someone. If you think that it's the right choice, make it . . .if it's a mistake, thank god you found it out before having umpteen kids.