Long Distance Relationships?????

[bradwilkins]

I just got accepted to medical school and currently have a girlfriend of close to three years. She just finished dental school and will be here in D.C. to work. I will be leaving to go to Detriot for medical school. Does anyone have any experience with long distance realationships????? I have never been involved in one and have never been a big fan of them. I never really hear about them working out for the best.

My girlfriend and I have said we will stay together and try to work it out but I'm just not sure about the whole thing. We both really care about each other and want to stay together, but I know it's not that easy. I mean I feel like it would be a shame to throw all those years away over some miles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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[Enrico81]

Dear friend, this is a complex matter, much more than anatomy
I think it is possible, but only if you can meet anyway at least a couple of times per month, and if you're both willing to suffer a little... actually i have no great experience of distance relationships, i mean, i was willing to, but she wasn't but i think that, especially if you have a life-long project in common, you can try
good luck

 

[Allygator89]

My relationship went long distance the January before I started medical school. I am about a year and a half into our 'long distance' relationship. It actually isn't too bad. You have to work at it though. When your relationship becomes long distance, you have to plan ahead. Purchase airline tickets so that you have something to look forward to, as well as a date set to see each other. Do not push your relationship behind everything else, especially school. You must make time for it.

If you havent' done so already, but a cell phone plan together that gives you free minutes between phones. Not only does it reduce your long distance costs, but it makes it a lot easier to talk to each other on a daily basis.

Also, make sure that you realize that if you do have an argument, you cannot just hang up the phone and everything will be okay. You have to work through your problems then and there. You don't have the luxury of going up to the other person later and giving them a hug and all being forgiven.

Long distance is a lot of work. However, for me, it works better than if he were with me (and he says the same as well). Both of us are in school (I am about to be an MS2) and he has just finished basic science. Had we been together, it would have made things more difficult. It is hard to ignore someone you love to study for hours on end. You have to do whatever works for you. Good luck, and it will be worth it if you work at it!

I just got accepted to medical school and currently have a girlfriend of close to three years. She just finished dental school and will be here in D.C. to work. I will be leaving to go to Detriot for medical school. Does anyone have any experience with long distance realationships????? I have never been involved in one and have never been a big fan of them. I never really hear about them working out for the best.

My girlfriend and I have said we will stay together and try to work it out but I'm just not sure about the whole thing. We both really care about each other and want to stay together, but I know it's not that easy. I mean I feel like it would be a shame to throw all those years away over some miles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[imprint]

I start in the fall and have to move. My girfriend is more afraid of med school than the long distance thing. That it's gonna eat up all my time anyway, and I'll have an affair with another student or something. I just try telling her I'll be to busy to cheat.

 

[IlianaSedai]

I haven't seen my guy for six months (our longest time ever) because we live 3000 miles apart and he's writing his doctoral thesis and I've been studying for the USMLE Step 1.

And you know what? This relationship is waaaay better than any other one either of us has had, and a lot better than most people are fortunate to have. We consider ourselves lucky and wouldn't have it any other way (although we both really, really, really want to graduate and move). We know what we want and we know we'll get there in the end, and maybe because we have that vision, we do okay in the meantime even though it feels like a holding pattern.

The goodies:

1. Mobile phone plans with unlimited nights and weekends - We talk about an hour a day.
   
2. Student discount airfares - Because we live near two major airport hub cities, I use studentuniverse.com and he sometimes uses STA Travel. If you live in two smaller cities, sometimes one or two small airlines will have ongoing good deals. Southwest, Delta, JetBlue, etc.

 

[ani76ale]

I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfiend for 4 years. Then he moved fom Italy to California so we could be together. This was five years ago. Now I'm moving to Guadalajara, Mexico for medical school and he's staying behind in California to finish law school. So we'll be doing the long distance thing again. I'm very sad because I didn't like it the first time around...

 

[tubbs]

i'm in a ld relationship too. it's been about 2 years and we're still doing well

 

[tubbs]

oops...here we go again,

as i was saying, we're doing quite well. we talk on the phone about an hour to 1.5 hrs almost everyday. we msn each other and go on web cam. so even though we're miles away, i still have a lot of contact with her and am very happy with this relationship...of course it would be better if we were in the same city, but hey we ain't got no choice. holding on to a ld relationship is very doable as long as both are committed and as others have mentioned, put the effort into it. sometimes i think that being in a ld relationship is quite helpful in my situation. it let's me focus on school more and everytime i see her, which is about once a month, i'm very much more appreciative of the time that we spend together.

in summary, it's doable but need 2 important ingredients: 1) commitment 2) effort.

 

[imprint]

Good luck...

 

[flsweetlady]

I have experience with long distance relationships, and it is possible for them to work out, however it can get expensive to maintain. However, if you have free mobile to mobile minutes and can afford to see each other at least once a month then it definitely helps the situation. It also helps if both of you are whole-heartedly committed to each other, because distance is one of the most challenging things for a relationship....it requires a lot of patience, but Im still with my special someone and weve been doing the "long distance thing" for over a year.

 

[azzarah]

My BF and I started dating a year before I started med school....I've been in med school for a year and we're still together. I think it just depends on how much you like the other person and what you are willing to put up with to make the relationship work. If it is meant to be, it will be...don't worry about it too much.

 

[trouta]

It works but takes effort. Ive been working the long distance thing for about 2 years now. We have been together for 6 years total. I think the thing that makes it work for us is that we make time to see one another about every 6wks. Although this is infrequent it is enough to keep reminding us that we are still happy when we are together. In between we talk on the phone every other night or so. I think the most important thing is understanding. She understands when I have a test to study for and I cant call her and I try to understand when she has other things to attend to. Tolerance is a huge thing... if you can cultivate that you should be fine.

Also, the whole fighting on the phone thing... it will happen, but whoever said that you cant end it there is right. You have to fix things right then.

 

[lotanna]

brad, the drive from Detroit to DC is about 7hrs(I've done it several times,8hrs max), which might seem long, but say u've monday off, u can leave friday right after class(if u go to class), and get there friday night, stay till sunday/monday, drive back.

Its sometyhing that can be done now and then if u cant find a cheap tix, and must see her.
Its str8 4wd drive, u go on ohio and penn turnpikes, hit md, and voila ur right there

 

[Febrifuge]

This seems like a thread full of folks with experience and insight, so I'd like to throw something out there and see what you all think.

One version of my plan has me leaving for school in the Fall. My gf and I are doing really well, but we haven't quite been together long enough to feel comfortable making the big commitment that would be involved in moving together. It sounds a little like people here are saying that you need a ton of commitment and effort to make the LDR work; so are you talking about couples who WOULD move together if they could, but career or something prevents it?

Or am I misunderstanding... it seems like maybe the suggestion is that if my gf and I don't feel comfortable (after <6 mos together) with the idea that one of us would up and move so the other can go to school, then maybe we might be lacking in the commitment it would take to make LDR work. We both want to be together, and if I wasn't moving we would see how things go, and get more serious as time passes. If I take off, it's like somehow we would need to get more serious, suddenly. Either serious enough that I'd ask her to go with me, or serious enough to make the LDR effort.

So, is it harder on a relationship to do the distance thing, or for one person to be uprooted and "tag along" with the person moving for school? Or, is that a false distinction I'm making there? I guess I'm asking if a relationship has to be at a certain point before LDR gets to be a practical thing. I'd hate to think that just because of the timing, we could be doomed (DOOOOMED!).

Inquiring minds want to know. Thanks.

 

[Enrico81]

... we couldn't agree on what time to eat dinner, what to eat, etc.
Anka

Gosh! did you break up just because you couldn't agree on what to eat?

 

[Xandie]

Gosh! did you break up just because you couldn't agree on what to eat?

I think what she was saying was that while they got along conversationally, it wasn't as easy to get along logistically 24/7. (OK, I worded that really poorly, but I know what she means.)

My almost-husband and I have been living together for the past few years and it's so important. We're getting married next weekend and I'm starting school in the fall, and if we didn't already have the experience we have now, I'd be afraid to start off with living together. A friend of mine is getting married at the end of July, and her fiance and her have been long-distance (except for summers) for their entire four year relationship. The first time they'll be in the same city for more than three months will be after they get married, she starts medical school, and he starts his new job. I'd be too worried about life changes to do that.

 

[stinkycheese]

A friend of mine is getting married at the end of July, and her fiance and her have been long-distance (except for summers) for their entire four year relationship. The first time they'll be in the same city for more than three months will be after they get married, she starts medical school, and he starts his new job. I'd be too worried about life changes to do that.

That sounds like a recipe for disaster! How can they be sure they want to live together if they've never even been in the same city? I hope it works out for them.

 

[lynnetm]

My boyfriend went off to law school about a month ago, and I still have one more year to go at undergrad before med school. So far we're very hot/cold--whenever we visit, things are great, like we were never apart. But after we've been apart a while we start to argue more and can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's fine. Is this normal, as in something that will pass as time goes on, or something that we have to just accept? It's hard because I really feel like I'm the one putting forth all the effort in keeping us going, but then maybe that's because he's so busy with law school? Anyone who's been there have any advice?

 

[Dr.Wolkower]

My boyfriend went off to law school about a month ago, and I still have one more year to go at undergrad before med school. So far we're very hot/cold--whenever we visit, things are great, like we were never apart. But after we've been apart a while we start to argue more and can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's fine. Is this normal, as in something that will pass as time goes on, or something that we have to just accept? It's hard because I really feel like I'm the one putting forth all the effort in keeping us going, but then maybe that's because he's so busy with law school? Anyone who's been there have any advice?

Long distance relationships in my opinion are a recipe for disaster. Someone needs to relocate otherwise in my opinion

1.one of you will cheat

2.one of you will meet someone else and dump the other person

3.the anxiety and stress of being far away is not good for either of you for physical or mental health-I think one of you needs to relocate if at all possible.

good luck

 

[delchrys]

level of self-knowledge, honesty, openness, and relationship experience of both members of the relationship is a huge factor. lots of all the above and long-distance can work. weak in any category is deadly, and weak in several and you might as well just break it off asap and save the soon-to-be-wasted time.

i've been in one for a full year now. we met at a wedding...my best friend married her best friend (yeah, cute). i'm 30, and have been married (young and very dumb choice) and had a number of long-term and casual relationships. she's 25 and has had very few relationships. we spent this summer together, talk nearly every single day (or at least IM and play some yahoo games, lol), and see each other around once a month for a weekend. i'm in my last year of law school, and she's graduating from med school in may.

it has been painful at times, incredibly tough this summer when we were together compressing a year of relationship into a couple of months...it got bad for a while and then we sort of hit a point where we both recognized that it was going to take work, and we both now know what that actually MEANS (always heard it said in the past, but never understood it). we worked things out, and understand each other MUCH better after that time together. i'd never have been able to say i want to marry her if i hadn't spent that time with her. now i know i want to marry her, but i still want time living with her before making that kind of committment, and she wants the same. in the mean time, we are both incredibly busy (i'm writing articles for the law journal, president of the student bar association, and have more credits that the ABA would like to think are possible to take at once, plus doing the full-time job thing, and she's doing her sub-i and has a nice line-up of crazy rotations planned, particularly the two at the two hospitals we're hoping she'll match at...), and we both make it a point to clear up our time for each other...it's tough like hell to find that balance between clearing up enough time to keep things good and strong but not so much that resentment or anxiety about unfinished work gets created, but we are at that equilibrium point and have been for a bit.

it isn't all roses, is part of my point, but it isn't strictly impossible, either. it's just more crap than a sane person would want to put themself through. of course, love does that...makes you insane...

best advice? follow your heart. if you aren't that in love, then you'll figure it when when they dump you or you dump them. if you are really in love, then things will come together.

good luck!

 

[trouta]

My boyfriend went off to law school about a month ago, and I still have one more year to go at undergrad before med school. So far we're very hot/cold--whenever we visit, things are great, like we were never apart. But after we've been apart a while we start to argue more and can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's fine. Is this normal, as in something that will pass as time goes on, or something that we have to just accept? It's hard because I really feel like I'm the one putting forth all the effort in keeping us going, but then maybe that's because he's so busy with law school? Anyone who's been there have any advice?

It is possible... Ive been doing it for the past three years of medical school. Its not easy, but it is possible. The situation you are describing is a common one, we have gone through it ourselves. The key is to take it in stride. Try not to fight on the phone and if you do, dont hang up until you resolve it. Make the most of your time together. Re-kindle the fire, enjoy eachothers company and remember why you are with that person. Visit eachother often (as often as you can)... you may need to let some grades slide here or there, but it will be worth it.

The most important thing is to evaluate how committed you are. If you both are committed it will work, but it will take effort. It wont be easy, but it can be done.

The other thing is communication... you need to tell him that you feel you are putting forward all the effort. Hopefully he will understand and just doesnt realize your perception. Aside from this particular issue communication is the key to the survival of your relationship. Because you cant see one another and interpret body language you have to vocalize everything. But be more, tolerant of one another... let some things slide that you might not have let slide in person. It just isnt worth fighting about these things over long distances.

 

[trouta]

Long distance relationships in my opinion are a recipe for disaster. Someone needs to relocate otherwise in my opinion

1.one of you will cheat

2.one of you will meet someone else and dump the other person

3.the anxiety and stress of being far away is not good for either of you for physical or mental health-I think one of you needs to relocate if at all possible.

good luck

While I agree with your point that things would be better if one or the other could move to be with the other, the other points you make are not necessarily true. While your #2 is a common occurence, I dont think that you can count on either #1 or #2 if the relationship was healthy to start with.

Long distance relationships are not a recipe for disaster. While more difficult than other relationships, they can and do work. Just because a relationship is now long distance is not a good reason to dump the whole thing.

I guess I just have a rosier perspective (it has worked for me so far).

 

[Cuteasaurus]

A person in any kind of relationship can cheat. Perhaps being long-distance makes it easier for him/her to go longer without getting caught, but if you wouldn't cheat in the first place distance won't "make you."

Besides, I don't think anyone here is advocating long-distance relationships over the other kind. Sometimes medical school or law school or some other situation makes it necessary, but I'm sure anyone in one would prefer his/her SO to be in the same place.

 

[ma-bas]

Anyone married and living apart while in med school? I am considering a school that is too far from my home for daily commuting, but a very easy weekend trip. Anyone have success with this sort of arrangement? Failures?

 

[GeneGoddess]

I'm not, but a friend of mine was living 800mi from her then boyfriend (now husband) for her entire med school career (and her intern year). He was getting his PhD and couldn't move and she wasn't accepted at any schools closer to him. They're finally living together now where she's doing her residency and he's doing a post-doc.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

There are quite a few members of my class who are married and have spouses even on the opposite coast. If you are close enough for weekend trips, then that'll be much better. I won't lie, it's not the most fun thing in the world, but it's works if your situation requires it. Good luck!

 

[Celiac Plexus]

I have noticed a number of posters stating that their long distance relationships are better than "'normal" realtionships they've had. This seems backward to me, but hey?

Nelson Mandela had a 3 decaded long-distance relationship with Winnie (his wife)... It worked great when he was locked away in prison for all those years...

Of course they divorced less than a year after he got released... SO maybe the solution id to maintain the LD thing indefintiely?

 

[hedera916]

It's not for everyone and it's not easy. But I've been in an LDR for three years now, and it's been smooth sailing, surprisingly. And we're crazy in love! First, constant communication is a must! Phone, text messaging, instant messengers and webcam, email...you have to keep in touch everyday, in any way. I'd suggest keeping an online journal too so your loved one can check how you're doing anytime. It costs a lot of money for phone cards, so always have some money set aside for that. Honesty and trust is key to a successful LDR. If anyone needs advice on LDRs, feel free to drop me a PM.

 

[neuronerd]

It's not for everyone and it's not easy. But I've been in an LDR for three years now, and it's been smooth sailing, surprisingly. And we're crazy in love! First, constant communication is a must! Phone, text messaging, instant messengers and webcam, email...you have to keep in touch everyday, in any way. I'd suggest keeping an online journal too so your loved one can check how you're doing anytime. It costs a lot of money for phone cards, so always have some money set aside for that. Honesty and trust is key to a successful LDR. If anyone needs advice on LDRs, feel free to drop me a PM.

I think this is great advice. I've been with my bf for seven years and as of right now, we are on opposite coasts. We've been through the long distance thing before, we have lived together, are doing the long distance thing again and probably will have to again if I get into med school.
Communication is key and so is trust and freedom. If you are committed, doesn't matter. . . you will get through it, it's just a bump in the road. There will be really really bad days, but those are worth it when you get to see your partner after several months and you get that exciting feeling back. You have to learn to grow with your partner as individuals and then share that with each other . . .there will always be new things to learn about each other.

 

[EpointH]

I've been in both types of LDRs -- the ones that don't work, and the ones that do. In the first, I was long distance with my boyfriend for 1.5 years (we had been going out for over a year when I went away for school) and we had never fought before I left. This just exemplifies to me what everyone else has been saying - communication is paramount! He and I eventually broke up because we were young and grew apart...though we are still in contact, it's clear to both of us that breaking up was the right option.

I am currently in the working kind of LDR. My boyfriend and I were only together for 6 months before he left for law school, so we wondered if we'd been together long enough to make it work. The first year was really rough at times, but we made a point of planning our weekends pretty far in advance to give us something to look forward to and also to make sure that the burden of travel wasn't disproportional. I could have moved to the city he's in for this year (I'm working before I go to med school), but the problem is that I absolutely hate that city. We both decided that it would be better for me to be in a city where I'm happy than to move to his city to be close, but then be unhappy and bitter about everything else. It was the right decision -- we've been long distance for over a year and we're still going strong!

I think this just shows that you don't have to be together for a really long time before you go long distance...I've found that having our relationship be based on getting to know the other person and talking about the important (and not so important) things has stood us in good stead, rather than having it be based solely on physicality. And then it's a big bonus when we DO get to see each other! Just my two cents.