long distance relationships

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by gabriela46, Jun 14, 2002.

  1. gabriela46

    gabriela46 Junior Member

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    Hopefully I will be going off to medical school next year, but my boyfriend may not be able to move with me because of his job. Depending on where I get in (if I get in) I will be somewhere between 6 to 12 hours away. We have been together for a year now. So far our relationship has been a long distance one; he lives 6 hours away from my school, but I am able to take every other weekend off to spend time with him and I spend most of my school vacations with him. I am assuming that once I get to medical school I will not have the time to be able to take every other weekend or even a weekend once a month off to see him. Not to mention the stress of being in a long distance relationship. It already causes some stress for me now only being able to see him every two weeks and not whenever I want to or need to. I can't imagine the stress of medical school and the stress of not being able to see him at the same time. I've been doing this for a year and the thought of having an extra 4 years of this is maddening. Am I going to have to choose between the two most important things in my life? Has anyone else been through a similar situation or have any words of wisdom for me?
     
  2. too-sweet-phat-cool 4-life

    too-sweet-phat-cool 4-life Way too Sweet for you!!!!
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    I went through a similar situation this summer. I start shcool in August and my Grilfriend was a broadcasting major getting a on-air job in Texas. I live in OKC and am moving to Tulsa. We tried the long distance thing and I was gettig very frustrated with the situation. All I could think about was that when I start school she would be almost 6 to 7 hours away. The closer school was getting the more crazy she was about my time and I realized that things were getting ugly. I knew I could not take the stress of not seeing her and going to school. I have wanted to be a doc my whole life and that is the most important thing to me so I ended our relationship. It has been a few weeks and I know now it was the right decision for my future.
    Good Luck
    Luke
     
  3. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    when the search function works again, look it up...theres been lots of discussions about LDR's. I'm in one, but maybe when I'm not so tired, I'll post about it again :rolleyes:
     
  4. Amma

    Amma Member
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    I am sort of in the same situation...I just got accepted to school in chicago. We are about 3 hours away right NOW and when i move, even farther about 8hours.
    I am scared about it, but he is really supportive and i think that if it is meant to be(and i think it is) he will find a way to come too, even if its not right away.
    i am also waitlisted at my state school which would keep me closer...hopefully it will come through!
    good luck with your boyfriend though, and just remember your priorities(whatever they are), and that things happen for a reason.
     
  5. prwunecom

    prwunecom Senior Member
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    If there is anyway to move together this is always the best. Medical school is extremely hard on relationships even when you live in the same place. I saw more than my share of long distance relationships fall by the wayside, mine included. Granted my own marriage of 15 years was already on the rocks when I went away to med school, but things only got worse. Many of my classmates had steadies that lived hours away, and it was just too difficult for them. I honestly don't remember many that survived the first year. Not to be a downer, just being realistic. People tried to tell me this before I started med school but I was sure I wouldn't become a statistic. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who is supportive in every way. But I don't recommend the stress of a long distance relationship when you are already going to be incredibly stressed with med school. Don't make things harder on yourself unless you have to. Of course, if there is no way to move together and you are committed, I supposed it can work, just realize that it is going to be an incredibly hard thing. Good luck to you.
     
  6. drchris33

    drchris33 MSIV
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    I am starting medical school this fall. I have been married for three years next month, but it has been a rough ride so far. I think things are getting better but some days I think they are not.
    Anyway, I am going alone my first year of school, due to financial reasons. We have four children, two of our own and two we have guardianship over (two of my wife's nieces), so it is going to be tough. My current plan is to study my [email protected]# off during the week so I can devote my time on the weekends to see my wife and kids. They will be about three hours away, so it isn't all that bad.

    Some people have told me that it is a good idea, due to our financial situation, but others have said it will be tougher. I don't know....only time will tell. But I am going to make it work....no matter what happens in my marriage (which is rocky anyway), I want the best for my kids. I love them more than life itself. That is going to be the toughest for me....not hearing them laugh everyday or play cars or whatever (my son is 20 months and my daughter is 3.5 months old)

    Good luck to all!!

    Chris
     
  7. RT

    RT Rt
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    I was in a long distance relationship once, but the relationship wasn't a couple hours away. It was 18 hrs by air. We didn't mind much simply because, to say the least, it was just two air tickets or rather $1200-1500 away.

    We thought about the idea of me going to med school and how we should go about in maintaining the relationship. Although it's an important decision, it wasn't difficult. We decided that she would move to find a job near where I'd be attending. Or if she could find a job a couple hrs away, that would still be much better than our situation at that time.

    I think the ultimate decision is based on how committed you are in the relationship. If it's a one-year one and things still haven't settled down and you're still not sure whether he's the one, then I guess you need to assess the pros and cons of each of the available options and seek out the best solution for both. In my case, we were highly committed so we both seek for solutions knowing that we would maintain the relationship no matter what. Ending the relationship was never a backup or an option.

    Personally I would do anything to keep "two of the most important things" in my life, but that's personal preference. If something is within our sphere of control, we could make it happen.

    But life is full of unexpected things. Solving this seemingly most difficult long-distance problem isn't just the only the requirement.

    Best wishes on your relationship,

    RT
     
  8. s2o0o

    s2o0o Member
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    gabriela46: i think that i am in a very similiar situation as you. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 6 years and we know we are going to get married once we buy a house and can afford our own wedding. we met in college and lived together for 3 years but he graduated a year earlier than i did and took an irresistable job in the sf bay area (about 1.5 hours from davis where i went to school). the plan was for me to graduate and find a job in the bay area so that we could live together while i applied for medical schools. well, it turns out i was offered a great job at the UCD SOM which i couldn't turn down. we see each other every weekend without fail. but so then, we decided, okay, well, when i go to medical school, he would come with me wherever i go. the thing is, my boyfriend makes a six figure salary right now with his company and it would be absurd for him to leave. i have been accepted to schools in chicago, arizona, and waitlisted at a school in california. were it not for my boyfriend, i would definetely go to the chicago school, but after months of gutwrenching thinking, i also came to the realization that i didn't want medical school to be the ONLY thing in my life. i wanted to have a life outside of school...i wanted to have a family. i also knew that i need to go to the school where my environment is going to keep me the most satisfied so that i could keep my sanity while going through medical school. and of course, the environment would include having my boyfriend and my dog around. so right now i am holding out for the california school and keeping chicago as my backup school. it took me months to finally get to this point and now that i have decided what school i want to go to...i still haven't been accepted yet! i guess, that's life though.

    i think it is important for you to go to the school where you are going to be able to perform best at. and if that means choosing a state school over some top 10 school so be it. it would be useless to attend a top 10 school and have poor grades because you cannot function properly. might as well go to the state school and perform better because you are not so stressed out and have the support of your boyfriend. :) okay, i think i have babbled enough for now...good luck on your decisions.
     
  9. Would you guys classify a 2 hour distance from a partner as "Long Distance." Just curious.
     
  10. prwunecom

    prwunecom Senior Member
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    in my situation, my husband was 3 hours away, so i figured it would be a piece of cake......wrong...and many of those that I mentioned earlier who had relationships fail lived about 2 hours from their loved ones. And some of the ones that didn't work out were actually living together, MED SCHOOL IS TOUGH ON RELATIONSHIPS! That is the bottom line.
     
  11. s2o0o

    s2o0o Member
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    never really thought about exactly how far away is considered long distance...but it is an interesting question. i would think anything longer than an hour would be a LDR simply because it takes that long just to drive over there and see your partner. doesn't seem like much time but all of it sure adds up if the two of you like to spend time together...
     
  12. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member
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    distance might actually be a good thing with something like medicine

    But long distance relationships I've known about need work to last - without that then the few times you do see each other only serve to undermine the relationship - you want to see less of the other person each time they visit.
    They don't usually work for teenagers - new arrivals to med school cos med school is the perfect place to explore relationships with different people/partners. People get tempted astray, the truth comes out invariably...dosen't it?

    but more mature people seem to handle it well for what I know. Which isn't that much, admittedly:)
     
  13. CTKN

    CTKN Member
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    I too have been with my boyfriend for nearly six years. I've always felt like we have had a long distance relationship because he lived a 40-min drive away (except during two years of college in between those six years). But, in a week and a half, I'll be moving 3000 miles away to New York. It's strange how my perspective has changed.
     
  14. Ilovetocut

    Ilovetocut Junior Member
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    Hey,

    Am too in a long distance relationship. We met my senior year of college; he was a European graduate exchange student. After living together for 5 months, he went back to Europe and I stayed in the States for two years of hellish post-bac. We only saw each other every 2 1/2 months. Even holiday time was restricted as he had and still has a time-consuming career.

    I recently got into med school in Europe (grew up there and want to stay) but in a different country than my boyfriend.

    Nevertheless, we just got engaged and plan to get married while I'm still in med school. Thus, in the end, we will have had 7 years of long distance but it would have definitely been worth it in the end.

    Despite the arguments, the frustrating loneliness and those times when I think "why me?", I realize that I'm pretty damn lucky to be able to engage in my love for medicine, be independent and have someone who supports me without relying on physical proximity.

    So if you have to live apart, try to make the best of it. You don't need to trash what makes you happy, just because others claim that it can't work.
     
  15. Bomb#20

    Bomb#20 Bork Bork Bork
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    I love hearing from people in long distance relationships that work out!
    I'm very optimistic that the one I'm in will, because we're both very independent people and right now he's going to need to put most of his attention towards med school while I still putt away undergrad to hopefully get into med school. If we were together 24/7, we would distract eachother way too much for sure! ;) Since we both keep ourselves busy, time flies between visits, and we've learned to truly cherish the time we are together.
    Since we actually started out long distance (CA to VA!), and now have a much shorter gap (PA to VA), I'm thrilled that I won't have to wait months to see him anymore. :clap:
     
  16. oldman

    oldman Senior Citizen
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    i have been doing LDR since frosh year (3 hour flight away). now when i start school, she'll be leaving for cali. back to the old LDR again!

    only thing i can say is hang tough. if your sig other is worth it, a few years apart is no big deal. there's always phone sex. :)
     
  17. Centrum

    Centrum SMILEY KING
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    It's always sex with oldman. Sheesh. ;)
     
  18. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    I HOPE HOPE HOPE I get into a school in boston...I dont want to be long distance for 4 yrs...1yr was bad enough....we dont fight a lot, but when we do, I think some of the stem from being apart...then again, if we were close we'd have different fights...oh whatever I wanna be near my man....waaaaaa! :(
     
  19. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member
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    I reallyad admire the fact that you guys want to keep something going over that kind od distance. If that doesn't define love then I don't know what would.
    Heres to many happy times together however far apart you get!:clap:
     
  20. lola

    lola Bovine Member
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    I'm going to be starting a long distance relationship next year. My boyfriend's Irish and can only work in the U.S. until March. After that he's moving back to Ireland for at least a year, and I will hopefully be starting med school in the U.S. It is going to be really hard. Basically, we have to get married if he is going to come back here and work. I would love to go over there, but it's not really feasible. I am applying to a school in Ireland and one in England, but I don't know if I'd be willing to risk not getting a good residency in the states afterward. It would be much easier if I was 100% certain I was in the relationship for the long haul.
     
  21. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    LDR's really are supertough, right after you leave each other from a visit.....im sad :( I miss him so much, there are so many other things we both are worried about etc, that it would be so much better to be closer together.....it sucks cause we really want to be in the same place next year, but for that to happen, i'd have to give a job (which i like so far), or he'd have to transfer schools...which is not so easy, and there aren't many pharm schools here at all........ :( :( :(
     
  22. souljah1

    souljah1 Attending
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    I'm in one (3000 miles or so apart) for abotu 13 more months. Atleast there is a definitive time. I'm not worried about what the distance will do to us. We've been together for a while, and have shared some experiences that have revealed our meaning to each other. That can't get squahed by distance. When people talk about ending a relationship b/c they became frustrated shows me that their relationship wasn't really going to last anyway..for it appears that the relationship was more about convenience...which is cool as long as it is mutually recognized. But if you found someone whom you love deeply, then distance should not really change that love. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is annoying. Yes, you will miss each other. And hopefully, yes, it will be worth it. I've only just begun my 'LDR', but really the only thing I do worry about is our safety should something happen. Tis' a strange world we live in.

    Distance is no barrier to love.

    And yes, Oldman, there is always phone sex

    :laugh:
     
  23. DrBravesgirl

    DrBravesgirl Surgeon for a year
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    LDR's are tough, no question...it's so hard knowing this amazing person who makes me unbelievably happy is 3,000 miles away, without a real prospect of this distance decreasing anytime soon. we're trying to make it so we'll be together next year, but it's a crapshoot on my end (dammit usc, let me in!), and it's tough for him (aspiring teacher), too, so who knows what will happen. i'm sorry everyone else is in the same boat i am, but then again, it's nice to have people to commiserate with on this
     
  24. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    i completely agree souljah....sometimes its especially hard :(
     
  25. Cochira

    Cochira spin spin.... sugah
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    you know what's interesting, I find that it works better when you're in a LDR. Both of us are in med school but in separate states (DC and FL) but it seems to work well b/c we both can focus on our studies while we are apart. We have really learned to communicate extremely well so misunderstandings seem to be on the decline :D . True, we don't get much time on the phone but it's nice to talk to someone who understands why embryo is driving me crazy (wait till you get to the UG system). Plus, there is always IM and email. It's nice to check email and get lil notes from him :D . It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :love: And yes it takes work but what doesn't? And yes there are tons of ppl in med school that you might click with but there should only be one person that you'd like to be with. When things get hectic in med school, it's important to just take a step back and breathe. Nothin is ever the end of the world... :D
     
  26. MustafaMond

    MustafaMond K-Diddy M.D.
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    Its hard to take advice from a girl w/ a sig like yours cochira.;)
     
  27. CTKN

    CTKN Member
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    I've noticed in our first year class that there were so many people who were in some sort of long-term relationship. It's been pretty hard having my boyfriend so far away from me, and I'm always jealous of my classmates whose significant others moved out here to be with them. But then there's my friend, who is actually married. Her husband is also 3000 miles away. She's really upset because the job market's really bad and so her husband hasn't been able to find any work out here (meaning he can't move out here yet). How many couples are there out there doing this type of thing?

    When we were having orientation, we met a third year who was being very discouraging. He told us, most of the people who were in long distance/long-term relationships his first year were all broken up now -- even married couples. Any comments?
     
  28. Cochira

    Cochira spin spin.... sugah
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    Perhaps he was bitter b/c his relationship didn't work out...regardless, don't let someone's negative outlook affect you. Rule of thumb: Don't buy into the hype.
     
  29. CTKN

    CTKN Member
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    Actually, the third year seemed to be advocating dating another med student...he'd been with his girlfriend, another third year med student, since their first year....
     
  30. Cochira

    Cochira spin spin.... sugah
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    Well if that was the case then I don't see any reason why he was so negative or why you are concerned. Well my point was to follow the rule of thumb. Things work out for the best. Until then, don't worry about it :)
     

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