- Joined
- Jun 26, 2013
- Messages
- 281
- Reaction score
- 30
Last edited:
Marriage and medicine
- Thread starter 700003
- Start date
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2012
- Messages
- 839
- Reaction score
- 28
enjoy your alimony payments
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2013
- Messages
- 1,608
- Reaction score
- 501
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2011
- Messages
- 8,624
- Reaction score
- 10,698
I'd probably try to have the kid(s) while in medical school if possible. Just have them as early as you want really. There is never a good time, but you'll make time for your kids.
There is never a good time to get married, have kids, or go on vacation. You just have to do it.
Not sure if your school does the same, but mine hosted a lunch time panel to discuss this issue. I found it to be very helpful. Some of the panel had children during medical school, and others had children during residency.
The ones who had children during medical school seemed to have more options (taking a year off [aka research]). The ones who had children during residency said they were open about family planning with their fellow residents. They took turns having children, and scheduled their heavier residency load before the pregnancy. Also, you have to create layers of childcare while you are in residency.
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2006
- Messages
- 6,133
- Reaction score
- 2,366
It would be better to get pregnant during your third year and have your child during 4th year.
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2010
- Messages
- 329
- Reaction score
- 63
But try not to be pregnant during interview season.
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2011
- Messages
- 89
- Reaction score
- 65
I got married after 1st year of medical school. Some things I picked up:
-It will work if both partners are busy. You're in med school? Your SO should be employed full time. Most of the marriages that dissolved by graduation involved the busy med student and the stay at home spouse who spent all day waiting for the other one to come home.
-It sounds like common sense, but just remember to make your marriage a priority every once in a while. Let's get real- your training will be your #1 priority for the next ~10 years. But when you're post call, studying 24/7 for that next step exam, and you're running on fumes, you still have to remember you owe that same effort into your relationship. Even after all the $hit that goes down in the hospital, your spouse still deserves some time. It's tough, but that's what being married means.
-In terms of kids, I can't really help you. Some specialties are more kid friendly than others, so depends what you plan on going in to. Personally, I know having kids now would be too much of a distraction, but I was blessed with a wife who is completely on the same page in terms of timing kids. Plenty of people do it, but keep in mind it's one more GIANT thing that you will have to juggle with your training and new marriage.
-It will work if both partners are busy. You're in med school? Your SO should be employed full time. Most of the marriages that dissolved by graduation involved the busy med student and the stay at home spouse who spent all day waiting for the other one to come home.
-It sounds like common sense, but just remember to make your marriage a priority every once in a while. Let's get real- your training will be your #1 priority for the next ~10 years. But when you're post call, studying 24/7 for that next step exam, and you're running on fumes, you still have to remember you owe that same effort into your relationship. Even after all the $hit that goes down in the hospital, your spouse still deserves some time. It's tough, but that's what being married means.
-In terms of kids, I can't really help you. Some specialties are more kid friendly than others, so depends what you plan on going in to. Personally, I know having kids now would be too much of a distraction, but I was blessed with a wife who is completely on the same page in terms of timing kids. Plenty of people do it, but keep in mind it's one more GIANT thing that you will have to juggle with your training and new marriage.
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2010
- Messages
- 916
- Reaction score
- 28
The problem is that many spouses have a hard time finding employment in their industry where you move for med school, residency etc. Big professional sacrifice on their part.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2011
- Messages
- 348
- Reaction score
- 141
many people do it
had a classmate who got married before med school and had a baby during M1 and another during M2
she never complained publicly during pregnancy
she never took any time off
i swear she only took like 3 days off before coming back to school
now that's a woman i can respect!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2010
- Messages
- 329
- Reaction score
- 63
Ugh comments like this make me realize how far we still have to come. Because a woman who *does* have to take off time to heal her body after a PREGNANCY does not deserve our respect? This just smacks of attitude where we get into the sphere of calling maternity leave "vacation" and women who take it "lazy".
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2012
- Messages
- 1,521
- Reaction score
- 108
yeah because you're full of respect when you're overworked but still have to cover for someone else as well while they're not around
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2005
- Messages
- 60,895
- Reaction score
- 13,699
I think you can get married if your SO is able to handle it.....(ie. not needy)
Kids.....I would wait until after intern yr at least
Kids.....I would wait until after intern yr at least
i wouldn't waste my time getting offended by Mr. Always Be Closing over here.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2011
- Messages
- 348
- Reaction score
- 141
just because i'm praising my classmate's ability to be superhuman doesn't mean i'm shaming anyone else who doesn't follow her example
strong defensive reaction
do you feel guilty/shameful/insecure whenever this issue is brought up?
Last edited:
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2006
- Messages
- 6,133
- Reaction score
- 2,366
I agree that it sucks to have to cover for someone. It leads to some resentment especially if you are in a small program where there are few extra hands to help pick up the slack.
Pick a program that has a system for coverage already set up
I agree. Before I was married, I dated a girl who was super needy and just didn't understand the time commitment medical school entailed. When I would be studying, it'd be as if I were ditching her to hang out with my friends at a bar... needless to say she got the boot.
In terms of waiting to have kids... I have plenty of classmates, residencymates and fellow fellows who all had kids either during med school or during residency.
I'd say have your kids whenever you're going to have them. Sure there are harder times to have kids (internship, third year, first year of a busy fellowship) but if you wait for the perfect time, you're going to be 40 without kids.
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2013
- Messages
- 1,229
- Reaction score
- 1,140
The first 2 years of medschool are probably about the easiest time I could ever picture to be a newlywed. First off the living expenses loans are big enough that you can basically completely support yourselves from your own loans, so anything extra he/she makes just makes financial concerns less of an issue. (Yes I know you have to pay back the loans later, but a lot of young couples are struggling to pay the bills, which is not as much an issue with the pretty substantial living expenses allotted by most schools).
Secondly, you have a tremendous amount of control over your time and when (and where) you study. My wife and I pretty much could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted which was awesome and got to do a lot of cool stuff living in a new city.
Im a little bit into 3rd year and its obviously been tougher for my wife and I to find time to hang out, but we have been making a point of going out to eat like twice a week because that guarantees some good time to talk without any household/school distractions or her work distractions. Granted Im on one of the rotations with the worst hours in all of medschool, so things will surely be less stressed on other rotations.
I also echo the sentiments of saying the spouse needs to be busy, my wife is almost busier than I am which I think makes things infinitely easier because whenever I have stuff I absolutely have to do, she always has something she has to get done anyway.
Having kids is a whole different situation though, no idea how people pull that off. I know two residents married to each other with a kid and the only way they survive is grandparents literally living down the block from them.
Secondly, you have a tremendous amount of control over your time and when (and where) you study. My wife and I pretty much could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted which was awesome and got to do a lot of cool stuff living in a new city.
Im a little bit into 3rd year and its obviously been tougher for my wife and I to find time to hang out, but we have been making a point of going out to eat like twice a week because that guarantees some good time to talk without any household/school distractions or her work distractions. Granted Im on one of the rotations with the worst hours in all of medschool, so things will surely be less stressed on other rotations.
I also echo the sentiments of saying the spouse needs to be busy, my wife is almost busier than I am which I think makes things infinitely easier because whenever I have stuff I absolutely have to do, she always has something she has to get done anyway.
Having kids is a whole different situation though, no idea how people pull that off. I know two residents married to each other with a kid and the only way they survive is grandparents literally living down the block from them.
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2013
- Messages
- 709
- Reaction score
- 358
Rich, intelligent, married folks do not get divorced
Or at least, it is statistically unlikely
Now, on the other hand, poor teenagers without diplomas tend to get divorced
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2012
- Messages
- 236
- Reaction score
- 410
lol
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2013
- Messages
- 32
- Reaction score
- 1
I'd say don't even get married, but perhaps I'm just bitter. Let me explain.
Two years ago my (then) fiancee and (now) wife and I were planning on applying to med school together. At that point we were both confident we would get into the same state school. I was already ready to apply to school, had all my ducks in a row, but ended up waiting a year before applying so she could finish her prereqs and take the MCAT.
She scheduled to take the MCAT in the summer of 2011, ended up not being able to focus on studying and pushed it back till September or something like that. Still couldn't get to studying, pushed it back till January of the following year, pushed it back again till March (we were married in May of 2012), then May, and finally ended up taking it and doing poorly in June. We applied 2012, needless to say, I got in, she didn't. I don't even think she finished any of her secondaries. Mind you my last semester of school was in spring 2012, and I was working about 60 hours a week at the hospital and taking a full course load to pay for our wedding. I made like 10 grand in those couple months to pay for nearly everything (and worked a bunch of overtime after the wedding to pay the debt off).
Anyhow, she ended up being ridiculously jealous of me getting into school. Work through that, she is told by the adcom that if she retook the MCAT and applied again she would get in most likely because her husband would be in school. Decides not to take the MCAT. Decides to go to PA school instead, but needs the GRE. Plans to take the GRE in April of 2013. Guess who hasn't taken it yet...?
Mind you she's over $100,000 in debt from private school loans at her tiny liberal arts school. They're deferred at the moment because she is taking a graduate class in Public Health (which cost another couple grand).
She's going to end up being a CNA for the rest of her life. No amount of coaxing her, helping her, or even getting angry about getting her life together have worked. I've given up trying to push her. I don't care if she becomes a doctor or not, just something to take care of her $100 grand debt. I thought she was responsible, turns out she wasn't. Not at all. It'll all come crashing down sometime next year when she's not taking classes and we have to pay those loans. Try doing that on $13 an hour, lol.
Also, she's extremely jealous of other women, so I'm pretty sure the moment she sees a pretty girl in my class and me *gasp* talking to a classmate, it'll all unravel.
Yea, I'll be divorced before med school is over.
So here's my tip. Don't marry someone who pretends to be hard working, but ends up being lazy and irresponsible. The egg is on my face.
Two years ago my (then) fiancee and (now) wife and I were planning on applying to med school together. At that point we were both confident we would get into the same state school. I was already ready to apply to school, had all my ducks in a row, but ended up waiting a year before applying so she could finish her prereqs and take the MCAT.
She scheduled to take the MCAT in the summer of 2011, ended up not being able to focus on studying and pushed it back till September or something like that. Still couldn't get to studying, pushed it back till January of the following year, pushed it back again till March (we were married in May of 2012), then May, and finally ended up taking it and doing poorly in June. We applied 2012, needless to say, I got in, she didn't. I don't even think she finished any of her secondaries. Mind you my last semester of school was in spring 2012, and I was working about 60 hours a week at the hospital and taking a full course load to pay for our wedding. I made like 10 grand in those couple months to pay for nearly everything (and worked a bunch of overtime after the wedding to pay the debt off).
Anyhow, she ended up being ridiculously jealous of me getting into school. Work through that, she is told by the adcom that if she retook the MCAT and applied again she would get in most likely because her husband would be in school. Decides not to take the MCAT. Decides to go to PA school instead, but needs the GRE. Plans to take the GRE in April of 2013. Guess who hasn't taken it yet...?
Mind you she's over $100,000 in debt from private school loans at her tiny liberal arts school. They're deferred at the moment because she is taking a graduate class in Public Health (which cost another couple grand).
She's going to end up being a CNA for the rest of her life. No amount of coaxing her, helping her, or even getting angry about getting her life together have worked. I've given up trying to push her. I don't care if she becomes a doctor or not, just something to take care of her $100 grand debt. I thought she was responsible, turns out she wasn't. Not at all. It'll all come crashing down sometime next year when she's not taking classes and we have to pay those loans. Try doing that on $13 an hour, lol.
Also, she's extremely jealous of other women, so I'm pretty sure the moment she sees a pretty girl in my class and me *gasp* talking to a classmate, it'll all unravel.
Yea, I'll be divorced before med school is over.
So here's my tip. Don't marry someone who pretends to be hard working, but ends up being lazy and irresponsible. The egg is on my face.
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2011
- Messages
- 323
- Reaction score
- 32
Ugh, sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you've done all that you could. Just press on so that even if you end up having to go through the pain of a divorce, you won't be stalled on your education and career.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2011
- Messages
- 348
- Reaction score
- 141
my condolences
have u thought about having your wife be seen for depression/anxiety?
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2004
- Messages
- 35,944
- Reaction score
- 17,726
Yikes.
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2011
- Messages
- 287
- Reaction score
- 8
I'm having my first child this fall (start of second year) and my wife and I plan on having more kids during my last years of medical school and into my residency. Of course, I'm a dude, so it's a bit easier for us. I work in a hospital with two female internal medicine residents who are both nursing at the moment. They both think that pregnancy/maternity during residency is fine, even though obviously they want to be at home. One of the residents had her second child during her internship, and, even though it was challenging, she got through it without a problem. There's also a pulmonary fellow who is also currently nursing. All three of them think it's best to have kids as young as possible. That might seem backwards, because in terms of difficulty, it's probably hardest to have kids during your intern year, and easiest during fellowship/attending practice with residency somewhere in between. Now, we also have a female attending I see every day on the wards who waited too long to have kids and, after several miscarriages, ended up reaching the realization that she wasn't going to have a successful pregnancy. If she could, she'd unflinchingly trade her medical license and her entire practice if she could have just one kid. And if you're like me, you'll be well into your thirties by the time you begin practicing as an attending. So just remember, no matter how big the challenge of having kids now might be, it doesn't even touch the emotional toll you may endure if you wait too long. So have at it!
- Joined
- May 3, 2006
- Messages
- 4,698
- Reaction score
- 1,675
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2013
- Messages
- 32
- Reaction score
- 1
She actually has diagnosed depression. She does take her meds, but I feel as if the dosages or perhaps the medicine itself needs to be changed. I've been trying to get her to go back to her psychiatrist to better manage her depression, but she won't go. She says the situation of us fighting all the time isn't help her depression (obviously), but her capacity to cope is also a medical issue. Do I think she'll ever get up and go to one? No. As an example, she has headaches every single day almost, and it took me about 6 months of reminding/asking/pleading that she see a neurologist or her PCP about them. After making the first call to the neurologist, it took her about two months to schedule an appointment. There's just no help.
Of course, the entire situation is made worse from the fact that emotionally, I'm just not in it anymore, and she isn't able to give me space. Hopefully with school starting up I'll get some. I plan on many long days in the library lol.
Either fix the marriage or get out now. The last thing you want is an alimony payment because she "helped put you through medical school."
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2013
- Messages
- 210
- Reaction score
- 8
They do
Yeah. Everyone divorces.
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2013
- Messages
- 37
- Reaction score
- 1
I hate when people say this. As if finetuning knowledge on the job or doing some CMEs is anything compared to residency or fellowship.
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2010
- Messages
- 139
- Reaction score
- 34
When I first started med school, my wife had not yet found a job. Her lack of being busy was tough for both of us. If I told her I'd be done at 5 and it ended up being more like 630, it was hard for her. However, I thought that that was not an unreasonable sentiment for someone who just sacrificed their schooling/career to follow you to a random city so you could never be home, to have. However, once she found a job, and began pursuing her higher education as well, things quickly got much better. Being married in medical school is amazing. Having someone to come home to every night after a long day at school/work is the best. No longer having to worry about the instability of a dating relationship has helped me to be able to focus a lot and be successful thus far. Just make sure whoever you marry is independent and willing to put up with your crap. In reverse, you have to be patient with the occasional emotional break downs that might ensue (the type that can occur at any stage of marriage, med student or not). If you make your marriage a top priority along with your studies, neither one has to sacrifice too much. I know n=1 here, just like the rest of the stories on this thread, but as far as I see it, married in med school>>single in med school.
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2011
- Messages
- 8,624
- Reaction score
- 10,698
This. If you know you're going to get divorced you should probably do it before residency so she can't get any handle on "future earnings" etc. etc. Not sure exactly how divorce law works, so she might get some payments anyways.
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2010
- Messages
- 139
- Reaction score
- 34
There's almost always something so,some can find. My wife has a degree in elementary education but got a job as a program coordinator for a fellowship program at the university. Also, a benefit if being near a university also allowed her to start getting her masters degree. Is it her first choice? Probably not. But, she is willing to make some sacrifices for our marriage. Hopefully your h/w is willing to do so as well. If it came down to choosing my marriage over medicine, I'd drop out of med school in a heart beat. She knows that, and I know that she would never ask me to do that. But if push came to shove, wife/family>medicine any day.
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2010
- Messages
- 1,028
- Reaction score
- 140
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2010
- Messages
- 55
- Reaction score
- 11
Hey OP, for more actual female doctor perspectives (rather than males/premeds/etc) check out mommd.com . They have a great forum of supportive women who know a lot about being moms and physicians. Not that dads are less important or anything, but not having to gestate and get the kid out does put them in a different situation.
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2007
- Messages
- 3,266
- Reaction score
- 805
One word, prenup.
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2013
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 0
lol, rofl
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2010
- Messages
- 2,624
- Reaction score
- 740
If family is extremely important to you then why are you becoming a doctor?... The way I understand it, there are a lot of other professions where the time commitment to work isn't nearly as much as in medicine.
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2010
- Messages
- 329
- Reaction score
- 63
Go away.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2010
- Messages
- 2,624
- Reaction score
- 740
don't be so rustled
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2013
- Messages
- 1,560
- Reaction score
- 740
Many people in medicine work part time so they can be there for their family.
I always get annoyed when people say that all doctors should be workaholics who care only for their job and work 90+ hrs/week as an Attending. I signed up to be a physician, not a monk. And I'll value my lifestyle to the extent that I please.
There's room in medicine for lifestyle-minded people, fortunately.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2013
- Messages
- 210
- Reaction score
- 8
You have to get used to that personality, it's a lot of doctors. I wouldn't be annoyed by it - let them live at the hospital while you enjoy a vacation with loved ones. No reason for any hostility though.
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2013
- Messages
- 1,560
- Reaction score
- 740
Yeah, you're right. I think the worst part is all the older Attendings who ramble on about lazy students and how doctors worked harder back in the good old days. I want to tell these people that back in the good old days, doctors were all men, they had a stay-at-home wife to take care of things at home, and they had more money too. Times have changed, for better or worse. Well, almost everything is worse, but at least we have iPads now.
Sorry to rage, I don't mind people who think that way as long as they keep those thoughts to themselves or are respectful about sharing them. It's when they start becoming sanctimonious, soapboxing in public forums, or putting down anyone who disagrees with them that I get annoyed. There's room for everyone in medicine. One older attending I know is a Pulmonologist who works 80+ hrs/week at a small community hospital, because thats what he wants to do. Another is an EM Physician who does locum tenens work because she feels her most important duty is to be a wife and mother, and being a physician must come after that. On SDN, people (premeds, mostly) would laugh at the woman and excoriate her, but what gives anyone the right to judge someone like that? ESPECIALLY if they are premeds (lol).
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2010
- Messages
- 1,028
- Reaction score
- 140
It is just annoying when people try to dictate what I should be doing. It's not just the workaholics who say you should have no life outside of work. It comes from the other side too, like "You need to have balance.... You can't work that much... You need to go out more..." It's like "B&tch, don't you ever tell me how to live my life."
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2012
- Messages
- 1,521
- Reaction score
- 108
It takes a lot of time and money to make a doctor and it's not just yours. If you want friendly hours so that you can be a mommy then pick something else. we already a shortage of physicians as it is
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2013
- Messages
- 1,560
- Reaction score
- 740
The powers that be have no interest in fixing the physician shortage, which is really more of a primary care shortage. Otherwise we would either increase the # of residency slots or import physicians en masse from India and Europe. It's pretty ridiculous to suggest that individual physician should make life decisions to try to end a "shortage" (to the extent that it exists) when nobody in power wants to do anything about it.
Look, I also get annoyed when a woman finishes medical school, meets a millionaire, then hangs up her stethoscope (Zuckerberg's companion, for example). But that's her choice to make. She spent hundreds of thousands and a decade of her life, and she gets to do what she pleases. Besides, it makes it easier for the rest of us to get a job.
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2012
- Messages
- 1,521
- Reaction score
- 108
I hate sanctimonious premeds as much as the next person but this is a service field. She didnt just invest her own time, she benefitted from the time given to her by her mentors and patients. a lot of taxpayer dollars go into the making of a physician. It is selfish to waste that training
