Married couple accepted at same medical school-live with in laws or move out?

[lady jac]

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Hi everyone. My husband and I were both recently accepted at a medical school a half hour drive away from where we live. We currently live with his parents who have been very gracious and supportive to us for the past year that we have been living with them. They do not mind us staying for another couple years because it means we won't have to take out as much money for loans. This is very attractive to us because even though we will get in state tuition, the total cost for us will be double what a single person would have.

However, I can't say that everything is peachy living with them, as you know it can be difficult living with in laws. And like any young couple, we would like to move out and mature into our own family at some point. Is this the right time to?

 

[Frozengrapes]

Hi everyone. My husband and I were both recently accepted at a medical school a half hour drive away from where we live. We currently live with his parents who have been very gracious and supportive to us for the past year that we have been living with them. They do not mind us staying for another couple years because it means we won't have to take out as much money for loans. This is very attractive to us because even though we will get in state tuition, the total cost for us will be double what a single person would have.

However, I can't say that everything is peachy living with them, as you know it can be difficult living with in laws. And like any young couple, we would like to move out and mature into our own family at some point. Is this the right time to?

I strongly suggest you move out on your own. Living with in-laws, as supportive and helpful as they may be, will likely grate on your nerves during a trying time such as med school. Plus, a half an hour drive is going to be difficult to keep up. I realize you could potentially be saving a good amount of money living with your in-laws, but you're really going to have to weigh out the pros and cons of sacrificing money for your mental well-being/stress levels. Plus, this is all my opinion, but I don't know how it would be for your marriage being somewhat dependent on your in-laws for that length of time.

 

[Brain Bucket]

Depends on his relationship with his parents and so long as is everyone is clear on a timeline. If he and they want to make it work, they will. It has very little to do with you, other than being a good guest.

If it is working out and you're spending the majority of your time in school/library, I see no harm for a few years. A half-hour drive is nothing. I walk 40 minutes to class every morning. Loans add up quickly.

Congratulations btw!

 

[NewPup22]

Congrats!

I believe it'll get stressful those nights before the exam when you don't want to clean your dishes immediately, or wash the pile of clothes, or want complete silence in the house. I also study with my husband, and it's great because we allow ourselves to be as messy as we want the 2-3 days before the exam, have whatever sleep-wake schedule, without worrying about anyone else's comfort or noise level. Move out and live responsibly, such as driving to school together, eating in or packing meals, save on not having cable, etc. Maybe your in-laws can donate or lend any furniture they may not need? Maybe you can go to their place for dinner some nights? This way, they are still helping you out. Also, moving 30 minutes closer will be better for those cold, early morning surgery rotations

 

[MerickManual]

It all depends on how your wife feels. Honestly, you'll be spending most of your time in class or in school studying. The first two years would be nice to stay at home, save money... when you go off to clinicals you guys can rent one-two years, then buy a house when you guys get residency (if that location is around where you want to practice)?

 

[madchemist89]

You are married. It's time to grow up.

 

[Sophocles]

Definitely don't stay! As a young couple you need your space to grow and become a independent. Something like this could literally ruin your marriage. Medical school has enough problems of its own that you don't need to add to it. Trust me, it'll be well worth the loan you guys will take out to have peace in such a stressful and fast paced environment.

Credentials: I'm married w/ kids. If I lived with my in-laws (either side), I would've lost my mind a long time ago.

 

[Brain Bucket]

Definitely don't stay! As a young couple you need your space to grow and become a independent. Something like this could literally ruin your marriage.

I've never understood this obsession with moving out and 'independence'. We're social animals and it should be perfectly normal for several generations to live in a communal setting (I don't mean a tiny house) and support each other based on our relative strengths. I would agree that old-timey newlyweds would need their space as they got to know each other, but as a married couple heading into med school together, OP and SO definitely know each other quite well, and therefore don't need that initial period

Medical school has enough problems of its own that you don't need to add to it.

?

Credentials: I'm married w/ kids. If I lived with my in-laws (either side), I would've lost my mind a long time ago.

That speaks to your relationship with them, and I feel badly for you, but you're missing out on a lot if you don't put in the effort to have a good relationship with extended family.

 

[throw away]

Saving money on rent may come at the expense of your relationship with your husband and/or in laws. Money is just money, but a relationship like that is priceless.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

A lot of the answers you're going to get here will depend on peoples' cultural backgrounds, and there is probably no one right answer.

I will throw in my .02 anyways:

-Half hour drive: This may not seem like much, but it adds up. A number of students in my class who lived further out first year moved closer that summer. It can be socially isolating (i.e. less able to show up for spontaneous/last minute events, less able to study at the school or nearby, etc), and can be a time drain that you just don't want at the end of a busy day.
-Your comment about everything not being peachy now: Any minor irritants now, will get magnified over time and under stress. If this is an issue now, you should consider whether you risk permanently damaging your relationship with the in-laws or your husband by staying in a potentially conflict-rife environment when you are a tired, cranky, stressed-out medical student.

I think for most first year med students, finding a living environment that maximizes their time and minimizes their stress is very important. That goes for singles and married folk. My vote would be for moving out ASAP!

 

[MerickManual]

A lot of people are saying that moving out will remove a lot of stress... I think it actually adds to it: finding the right apartment, monthly payments, etc. Only the OP would know what is least stressful for them, but I think that 30 min drive is nothing. I drove 45 min to get to school because I still lived with my parents. Saved a ton of money, could leave the house and go to school to focus and come back whenever I wanted. Besides, you stop going to lecture after a while. As for spontaneous things happening in school: that never happens. Even if there was a last minute party or something, driving 30-40 min didn't ruin anything. There are a ton of perks living at home. Adding it up I saved at least $40-50,000. But then again, I am not married. It all depends on the dynamics you have going on at home.

 

[MerickManual]

I would say see how it goes. If during first year it's not working out you always have an option to move out. That's a lot simpler than moving out preemptively and then asking to move back in. 😛

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

A lot of people are saying that moving out will remove a lot of stress... I think it actually adds to it: finding the right apartment, monthly payments, etc. Only the OP would know what is least stressful for them, but I think that 30 min drive is nothing. I drove 45 min to get to school because I still lived with my parents. Saved a ton of money, could leave the house and go to school to focus and come back whenever I wanted. Besides, you stop going to lecture after a while.

Like I said, everyone is different and there is no one right answer

Some people would consider finding your first home together as a couple exciting; others stressful.

Some people don't mind the commute, others do.

As for spontaneous things happening in school: that never happens.

Yes it does. Or at least it did at my school all the time. The thing about spontaneous events is the people who aren't around for them don't get invited...

I'm not saying med students are having spontaneous trips to Tijuana in the middle of the night. And this again speaks to why different people will have differing opinions. I'm talking about at 11 pm in the library when six or seven of us are losing our minds and decide we need a late night trip to get milkshakes, or the times we would ditch studying for a happy hour drink or two. Study groups over coffee for anatomy. Those little moments of seemingly trivial social contact meant a lot for my mental health during med school. Others may consider that insignificant and that is fine. But the people who lived far out from our school or who weren't socially active never took part in these and never heard about them except in the aftermath.

 

[notbobtrustme]

move the **** out. you'll be saner for it.

 

[Frozengrapes]

A lot of the answers you're going to get here will depend on peoples' cultural backgrounds, and there is probably no one right answer.

I will throw in my .02 anyways:

-Half hour drive: This may not seem like much, but it adds up. A number of students in my class who lived further out first year moved closer that summer. It can be socially isolating (i.e. less able to show up for spontaneous/last minute events, less able to study at the school or nearby, etc), and can be a time drain that you just don't want at the end of a busy day.
-Your comment about everything not being peachy now: Any minor irritants now, will get magnified over time and under stress. If this is an issue now, you should consider whether you risk permanently damaging your relationship with the in-laws or your husband by staying in a potentially conflict-rife environment when you are a tired, cranky, stressed-out medical student.

I think for most first year med students, finding a living environment that maximizes their time and minimizes their stress is very important. That goes for singles and married folk. My vote would be for moving out ASAP!

I completely agree with you. I'd also like to point out that I'm from a cultural background where multiple generations live together. I grew up with my grandparents on my father's side living with us, and despite that being a 'cultural norm' it cause so much tension and marital strife between my parents. Look, every family has different dynamics. I love my in-laws, but I lived with them for a couple of months after getting married and it was very difficult for me. I'm just saying that you will really have to sit and think about you being at your worst and most moody and how that would go over with your in-laws. Think about their annoying traits and your/your spouse's annoying traits and how that will jive when you're running on 3 hours of sleep.

I might be projecting a little, naturally, but these are really things to consider!!

 

[Sophocles]

I've never understood this obsession with moving out and 'independence'. We're social animals and it should be perfectly normal for several generations to live in a communal setting (I don't mean a tiny house) and support each other based on our relative strengths. I would agree that old-timey newlyweds would need their space as they got to know each other, but as a married couple heading into med school together, OP and SO definitely know each other quite well, and therefore don't need that initial period

?

That speaks to your relationship with them, and I feel badly for you, but you're missing out on a lot if you don't put in the effort to have a good relationship with extended family.

First, it's not an "obsession" just a matter of life experience and secondly, if you haven't figured out why people care about "independence" then that speaks to your relationships with your parents (and perhaps in-laws, if you have any). Just because we are social animals doesn't mean that we have to live with our in-laws; especially as newlyweds. I don't even know how you came to that conclusion. Do you know the OP? How do you know whether or not they know each other quite well? Another faulty assumption is talking about my relationships. There are plenty of people that I have great relationships with that I couldn't live with-especially since I have my wife and kids. Where in the world do you get off telling people that they should work harder and put a better effort into having a good relationship with extended family? If you want to live with your mom then that's fine. If you want to get married and still have your mommy do your laundry, then that' s fine too. But, I think eventually you'll get off that teet and become a grownup, or not. Regardless, good luck to you in life buddy.

 

[Brain Bucket]

First, it's not an "obsession" just a matter of life experience and secondly, if you haven't figured out why people care about "independence" then that speaks to your relationships with your parents (and perhaps in-laws, if you have any).

It is. A lot of Americans equate independence with moving out. Independence is important to everyone's well being, but defining it thusly is doing yourself a disservice.

Just because we are social animals doesn't mean that we have to live with our in-laws; especially as newlyweds. I don't even know how you came to that conclusion.

I haven't. The conclusion I have come to its that there shouldn't be such vehement opposition to it.

Do you know the OP? How do you know whether or not they know each other quite well?

Ask OP? I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Another faulty assumption is talking about my relationships. There are plenty of people that I have great relationships with that I couldn't live with-especially since I have my wife and kids. Where in the world do you get off telling people that they should work harder and put a better effort into having a good relationship with extended family?

I haven't told anyone off yet. You'll know when I start telling someone off. You do appear to be singularly upset, though.

If you want to live with your mom then that's fine. If you want to get married and still have your mommy do your laundry, then that' s fine too. But, I think eventually you'll get off that teet and become a grownup, or not. Regardless, good luck to you in life buddy.

lol k. When you're done projecting, lmk.


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[jakeislove]

Moving out makes sense if you want to be a real married couple.

I love DGF's parents but wouldn't want to live in their house, LOL!

 

[Lavan]

My wife and I were engaged entering medical school and got married after first year. We bought a house the summer before medical school started. Those first years together were exciting and I wouldn't trade them. As we embarked on a new education/career, it was great to start our new life together in our own space. For studying/work it was great, and it was 5 minutes from campus which was crucial.

We took out max in-state loans and have a lot of debt, that's the downside. But we were comfortable in medical school and didn't want for anything significant. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

 

[MedWonk]

Hi everyone. My husband and I were both recently accepted at a medical school a half hour drive away from where we live. We currently live with his parents who have been very gracious and supportive to us for the past year that we have been living with them. They do not mind us staying for another couple years because it means we won't have to take out as much money for loans. This is very attractive to us because even though we will get in state tuition, the total cost for us will be double what a single person would have.

However, I can't say that everything is peachy living with them, as you know it can be difficult living with in laws. And like any young couple, we would like to move out and mature into our own family at some point. Is this the right time to?

I highly recommend moving out. No need for any added stresses beyond med school and what's in your own marriage. It will cost more money, and you will probably be a bit poorer for it, but I'm betting you'll be far happier.

 

[evilbooyaa]

If you think living on your own will be too stressful, then by all means live with your in-laws.

However, if you state there are some issues between you and the in-laws already, these will only be exaggerated during your med school years.

I know I wasn't willing to live with my parents during any part of my medical school (even though living in the same town as them and visiting frequently is AWESOME). I couldn't even imagine living with my in-laws during medical school.

 

[DocVapor]

I have to add a vote for moving out. Unless you are one of those couples that literally never fights, just think about your in-laws being able to hear your "heated discussions," and more importantly, your "heated make-ups."

But, of course it is up to you to put a $$ value on your privacy and ability to build your own relationship on your terms.

 

[windog]

As someone who is married to a med student, I wouldn't do it, but it just depends on how well you get along with the rents'. Maybe try living with them for a few months and just see how it goes. If it sucks, get an apt.

 

[cbrons]

You are married. It's time to grow up.

Exactly.

Don't do the childish thing.

Save the money and milk mommy and daddy for all their worth. It will be less you pay back in the long-run.

 

[stlrams22]

A lot of people are saying that moving out will remove a lot of stress... I think it actually adds to it: finding the right apartment, monthly payments, etc. Only the OP would know what is least stressful for them, but I think that 30 min drive is nothing. I drove 45 min to get to school because I still lived with my parents. Saved a ton of money, could leave the house and go to school to focus and come back whenever I wanted. Besides, you stop going to lecture after a while. As for spontaneous things happening in school: that never happens. Even if there was a last minute party or something, driving 30-40 min didn't ruin anything. There are a ton of perks living at home. Adding it up I saved at least $40-50,000. But then again, I am not married. It all depends on the dynamics you have going on at home.

As a husband and father, i couldn't possibly imagine how the stresses associated with living independently could be greater than living under someone else's roof and by their rules every single day. The only possible exception would be if the house is large and you are able to live separately, not sharing anything. Nothing could be worse than getting home each evening to a loud tv and your father- in- law in his underwear on the couch.

 

[brookssp66]

There is a lot of different cultures on here and you will get so many varying answers that don't apply to your situation. It comes from other people's different experiences and cultures, so do what is right based on your experiences and not what others are telling you they think is right. Others' suggestions may be right for their specific culture/experiences but not right in your situation.

Ultimately, sit down with everyone involved and talk about it extensively. Whether it is the right decision or not for you all is only up to you and those involved.

 

[dap]

Just to add another random anecdotal piece of advice:

My wife and I both have extremely good relationships with our parents and each other's parents. My wife's siblings are constantly joking about how alike her dad and I are, and similarly my wife and my mom get along great.

BUT even with all of that we decided to venture out on our own, and I would still recommend living on your own some early in your marriage. Either one of us would be fine living with the other's parents if it became necessary, but we ended up moving very far away instead and honestly it has been such a good experience for our marriage. I realize you wouldn't be moving that far away, but I think spending that time early in your marriage to really rely on each other and become closer friends is so valuable. Then, in a few years it is easier to be more flexible about doing your own thing because you have that solid basis.

Anyway, n=1 but definitely consider the benefit to your marriage that having that time to depend on each other/set up life together early on can have. You are going to be a dual-doctor household, I think you have earned the right to give at least as much consideration to marital/relationship issues as you do to financial ones at this point. If you live frugally, you should have similar living expenses to a single medical student anyway. Combine that with two state school docs and you are a good bit ahead of the curve already...

 

[Oo Cipher oO]

Depends on the couple and the relationship with the in-laws and how the house is set up. My in-laws offered a room for my wife and I and they didn't really understand why we would instead rent a tiny one bed room apartment 30 min away. Its in large part because they have a cozy one floor house that forces everyone to always be in everyone's business. That would be way too much for us to handle.

Now if we were living near my parents I think we could make it work. My parents are empty nesters and the entire basement is available with its own kitchen, bathroom, and outside private entrance. The set up is much easier since we all have our own space. If OPs in-laws house is kind of like this then I think it could work and save tons of cash. We are actually moving out there for a couple months this summer for some away rotations and we are excited to save a couple months rent.

 

[styphon]

Move out.

It makes "financial sense" to stay with inlaws but the negatives far out outweight the few positives.

Negatives:
-Medical school can be destructive to a relationship alone - much less without living with other people who have vested interests in the relationship(parents)
-While in medical school, before tests or during clinicals/long hours - you may get snippy/say something you regret - which will make the living situation even worse
-Living with parents stunts personal growth and delays critical everyday life skills. It is much different to live where you have to make your own food, wash/clean your own items, pay your own bills. This is a critical part of "being an adult", which is delayed more in graduate(MD/PhD/DO) students than the general population.