Mentioning a borderline abusive relationship in a secondary?

[yuiness]

---

Members do not see this ad.

deleted

 

[Bacchus]

I think this is a difficult situation. I personally wouldn't include such a story because I don't know if I'd be able to talk about it when brought up.

 

[yuiness]

I think this is a difficult situation. I personally wouldn't include such a story because I don't know if I'd be able to talk about it when brought up.

Yeah, that was what I was thinking as well... I'm not sure if I could or would want to talk about during, say, an interview. Ultimately, though, I think I may be able to handle it in a professional way (although uncomfortably) with some practice. I just feel like anything else I could write about would be trite in comparison (roommate troubles and the like), and that this is a situation where I feel like, in the end, I handled it decently well.

 

[lrendowi]

I'm inclined to say, go for it, unless you have another experience that ranks near that in terms of challenges in your life. I think that it would be helpful, if you've come to peace with it - especially if you have with medical/social worker help - because it's a situation a lot of primary care and emergency care doctors might have to deal with in patients.

I'd approach it from a, "I've been through this, it's made me stronger as a person, and it's something that shows me how much I can help other people." I myself wrote my personal statement about living with and getting through dysthymia, which I and my premed advisors had to think about a long time, but did, and have gotten lots of positive comments from my premed advisors. As long as you (and I, I guess!) can refrain from getting too emotional in interviews, I think it might really make a strong, standout impression on adcoms.

Good luck!

 

[AmoryBlaine]

No no no. You are applying to professional school.

 

[sm007thie]

I'm not in a position to give you advise.

I just have to say I'm a little shocked that you call this relationship "bordeline abusive." I'm no expert, but if you haven't figured out that this is way beyond the borderline, you might be carrying some excess baggage.

Congrats on seeing the light. I wish you the best.

 

[iampremed]

I have a few secondaries that ask about "confronting a difficult personal situation"/"overcoming adversity" and I've been debating whether or not to write about an unhealthy/borderline abusive relationship that I was in.

Basically, he was sweet at first, but then started calling me a "bitch" and generally making me feel worthless. He cheated on me multiple times, but my self-esteem had gotten so low that, instead of getting angry at him, I blamed myself for not being good enough. We also had occasional heated arguments in which he threw me against the wall, slammed doors into me, etc. that left me with bruises. We were on and off for a long time and actually decided to go to the same college during an "on" period. By the time we started freshman year, however, he had broken up with me and started dating another girl. Despite this, he refused to leave me alone (calling and asking to hang out, getting his friends to IM me, leaving gifts at my door, etc.--there was once when he outright asked me for sex). At the time, I was still clinging to the fantasy that it would somehow work out between us (I was convinced that no one else could possibly find me attractive at that point), and his behavior took a pretty heavy toll on me. Ultimately, I decided to remove myself from the situation by transferring to a different school and cutting all contact. I gave myself some time to get back on my feet and am now in a very loving relationship with a guy that basically worships me.

I feel like this experience has really had a big effect on who I am, and was definately the most difficult situation that I've faced. It seems, though, like the general opinion is that relationships shouldn't really be brought up. Also, I'm not sure if talking about this experience would reflect well on me.

My other question is, if I do talk about this, should I mention the guy's name? It feels weird to write around the name, and his first name is very common. Should I give him a cover name...?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

If I were an adcom, I'd question whether or not you are trying to get a free counseling session from the doctors on the admissions committee...

 

[135892]

I wouldn't talk about it. You're applying to professional school here, no one gives a damn about your relationship troubles

 

[yuiness]

I'm not in a position to give you advise.

I just have to say I'm a little shocked that you call this relationship "bordeline abusive." I'm no expert, but if you haven't figured out that this is way beyond the borderline, you might be carrying some excess baggage.

Congrats on seeing the light. I wish you the best.

I call it "borderline" because it doesn't quite fit into the mold that they always taught me about--the kind where the guy beats on his girlfriend regularly, threatens to kill her if she tries to leave him, etc. I recognize that my situation was quite horrible, but it wasn't quite as horrible as the stereotypical abusive relationship.

 

[mdmdt]

I call it "borderline" because it doesn't quite fit into the mold that they always taught me about--the kind where the guy beats on his girlfriend regularly, threatens to kill her if she tries to leave him, etc. I recognize that my situation was quite horrible, but it wasn't quite as horrible as the stereotypical abusive relationship.

You are of course allowed to call it whatever you want, but from most social service (and legal) standpoints what you went through would be considered abuse. In fact, the on/off cycle you described is classic abuser behavior designed to keep you locked in.

 

[yuiness]

I wouldn't talk about it. You're applying to professional school here, no one gives a damn about your relationship troubles

I realize this, but then again, no one cares about my roommate troubles either. It's a 400-word essay... If I were to write it, I would spend maybe ~150-200 words setting up the situation, and the remainder talking about how I coped with it-- reaching out to friends, focusing on the big picture/my career goals, removing myself from the situation and giving myself time to heal. I think it was also humbling in a way, because I remember sitting in health class as a freshman in high school and wondering how anyone could be stupid enough to find themselves in a relationship like this. I think it's made me realize that falling into something like that is easier than I thought (allowing me to better relate to patients whose lives have sort of... run away from them in a similar manner). It's also made me realize that I'm stronger than I thought, because there was a time when I couldn't imagine my life without this guy. Also, even though I was a mess during my freshman year of college, I didn't let my personal situation affect my schoolwork (I came out with a 3.85 GPA that year).

I just feel like my essay wouldn't be as strong if I talked about anything else...

 

[yuiness]

You are of course allowed to call it whatever you want, but from most social service (and legal) standpoints what you went through would be considered abuse. In fact, the on/off cycle you described is classic abuser behavior designed to keep you locked in.

I didn't realize that this was the case-- I don't have much background in social service or law, and was just going off of the little that they taught us in health class.

 

[mdmdt]

I didn't realize that this was the case-- I don't have much background in social service or law, and was just going off of the little that they taught us in health class.

I have a few years of social service education and experience with an emphasis in trauma intervention under my belt so I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my a**, I promise 😉

 

[TupacalipseT96]

No no no. You are applying to professional school.

QFT.
Come up with something else. These are adolescent-esqe issues and best left out of your application to a professional school where you're trying to appear mature and emotionally secure enough to undertake a life as a physician.

The nature of the situation is that you kept going back to this relationship due to your own insecurities/etc despite better judgment... that is not something medical schools want to hear, even though I can sympathize that you weren't in a healthy state of your life. Don't write about it just like you wouldn't write about being a diabetic who kept returning to Burger King despite better judgment. At the end of the day both show more negative qualities about you than you should want known -- despite your perceived adversity in the situation.

 

[yuiness]

I have a few years of social service education and experience with an emphasis in trauma intervention under my belt so I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my a**, I promise 😉

Well, then I guess my case is at least "official." I doubted the seriousness of my situation for a long time because a lot of the mutual friends that I confided in seemed to think that I was over-reacting (many of said friends are still friends with the guy).

 

[mdmdt]

The nature of the situation is that you kept going back to this relationship due to your own insecurities/etc despite better judgment... that is not something medical schools want to hear, even though I can sympathize that you weren't in a healthy state of your life. Don't write about it just like you wouldn't write about being a diabetic who kept returning to Burger King despite better judgment. At the end of the day both shows more negative qualities about you than you should want known -- despite your perceived adversity in the situation.

That's pretty harsh. I do have to agree that this probably isn't an appropriate essay topic, but there's no way you can equate it to a diabetic eating Whoppers. Abuse in the context of a romantic relationship is an intricate exercise in coercion and partial reinforcement that even the most intelligent, strong people can (and do) fall prey to, regardless of pre-existing insecurities.

I can only hope that you have a more thought-out and compassionate response ready when a patient confides in you about an abusive relationship.

 

[pianola]

No no no. You are applying to professional school.

ADCOMs might be tempted to question your mental/emotional stability after an event such as you described. Apart from the fact that there is often some subconscious blame placed on women who are not emotionally strong enough to extricate themselves from this type of relationship, the OTHER emotion evoked by your story is 'pity'. BELIEVE ME you DO NOT want your ADCOM member to pity you.

If anything, you want to show them how strong you are: psychologically, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

 

[yuiness]

Come up with something else. These are adolescent-esqe issues and best left out of your application to a professional school where you're trying to appear mature and emotionally secure enough to undertake a life as a physician.

The nature of the situation is that you kept going back to this relationship due to your own insecurities/etc despite better judgment... that is not something medical schools want to hear, even though I can sympathize that you weren't in a healthy state of your life. Don't write about it just like you wouldn't write about being a diabetic who kept returning to Burger King despite better judgment. At the end of the day both show more negative qualities about you than you should want known -- despite your perceived adversity in the situation.

The fact that I kept going back, I feel, was more a result of the verbal/emotional abuse that I received. The focus of my essay would be my freshman year of college... basically, the high school stuff would be mentioned briefly to set up the situation, and I plan to spend most of the essay talking about how I realized that it was an unhealthy situation, how I coped with it while maintaining decent grades, how I decided that I needed to get away and how I did that, and how I recovered after transferring schools.

 

[Retsage]

So basically, you want to demonstrate your good judgment and ability to understand people by talking about an example that tells everyone around you that you lack both? Your independence by talking about how the only way to recover your self-esteem was to find a new guy who treats you properly? None of these are characteristics looked for in applicants.

Come on. Think about it. You put yourself into that relationship, and no amount of "bu-bu-but my self esteem was so low!" is going to make anyone think of you as anything but a weak individual based on this story. I don't mean to offend you, really, I don't, but you have a loaded gun aimed right at your foot and your toying with the trigger.

 

[yuiness]

ADCOMs might be tempted to question your mental/emotional stability after an event such as you described. Apart from the fact that there is often some subconscious blame placed on women who are not emotionally strong enough to extricate themselves from this type of relationship, the OTHER emotion evoked by your story is 'pity'. BELIEVE ME you DO NOT want your ADCOM member to pity you.

If anything, you want to show them how strong you are: psychologically, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

The point is, though, that I DID extricate myself, and that would be the focus of the essay, if I were to write it. I feel like the fact that I overcame the situation and am now in a healthy relationship, have a strong social network, and live a generally happy life DOES demonstrate some measure of strength--that this happened to me, but I was able to move on.

 

[TupacalipseT96]

I can only hope that you have a more thought-out and compassionate response ready when a patient confides in you about an abusive relationship.

I agree, I wouldn't/shouldn't talk like that to a patient. But that's the point. We aren't the patient--and adcom's dont want patients. I just want to make sure she knows that before she risks tainting an otherwise strong application

 

[MrBurns10]

I guess I'm in the minority here when I say that I think it'd make for a really solid essay. First, this was several years ago and you've learned a lot and grown out of who you were back then. And second, you're not talking about a mental illness that the adcom can wonder if it can come back (e.g. bipolar), at least assuming you can illustrate why you know better and wouldn't let that happen again. If you do it right, I think it can make for a great essay. Just my opinion...others clearly disagree.

Whatever you choose, I have much respect for you for going through a difficult situation and coming out stronger because of it 🙂

 

[pianola]

The point is, though, that I DID extricate myself, and that would be the focus of the essay, if I were to write it. I feel like the fact that I overcame the situation and am now in a healthy relationship, have a strong social network, and live a generally happy life DOES demonstrate some measure of strength--that this happened to me, but I was able to move on.

Yes, but this does not stop ADCOMs from labeling you an 'abused woman' and that is the light that they will most definitely see you in -- if you decide to tell your story as you did in the original post. Perhaps there are other ways the story could be told, but I'm highly doubtful.

If you HAVE to tell it, I would seriously SERIOUSLY keep the description to a minimum (think: one sentence) and spend the rest of the prompt describing HOW you overcame the situation, HOW you are now happy and healthy. The more sensational the story becomes, the more you become an object of pity.

Like Tupacalipse, I would NEVER, in good conscience suggest that you write about this matter.

 

[yuiness]

So basically, you want to demonstrate your good judgment and ability to understand people by talking about an example that tells everyone around you that you lack both? Your independence by talking about how the only way to recover your self-esteem was to find a new guy who treats you properly?

Come on. Think about it. You put yourself into that relationship, and no amount of "bu-bu-but my self esteem was so low!" is going to make anyone think of you as anything but a weak individual based on this story. I don't mean to offend you, really, I don't, but you have a loaded gun aimed right at your foot and your toying with the trigger.

The new guy came afterwards and would probably never be mentioned in the essay. I wasn't ready to begin a new relationship after all that, and I knew it, and the new guy didn't come in until about a year after I left. In the meantime, I focused on my career/schoolwork, my hobbies, and my friends, and this is how I healed. I'm sorry if that was unclear.

I did put myself into the relationship, but it's not like I knew where it was headed when I began. It was my first relationship and I was inexperienced. I didn't realize that there was anything wrong until things were really wrong. I know I didn't leave right away and that I should have, but I did leave eventually--many don't.

 

[Retsage]

I am not judging you. Quite frankly, it's not my concern beyond telling you that I'm glad you got out of it and have your life under control, so don't bother excusing your actions to me. I'm an irrelevant face of an anonymous message board.

That being said, I am merely trying to show you what most people will see if they're being forced to judge you relative to hundreds of other applicants based on that story. It does not, in anyway, portray you in a positive light. Regardless of your coping mechanisms, you put yourself in such a situation, you allowed it to spiral out of control, and you were the one unable to break the relationship off until well after you originally should have (the second the first argument got physical; the second he cheated on you). What does that tell the adcoms about you, exactly? Your stories need to show strength, moral clarity, confidence, etc., not weakness. Your recovery and turn-around demonstrates little more than the strength that any independently strong, confident human being would have had from day one. "I was a weakling for years, people treated me like **** and I took it laying down. I had zero self-esteem and needed to be loved. Nowadays, though, I behave like a normal person. If a boy hits me, I leave him immediately. Go me, I'm normal!" This is most definitely not something to base an essay on.

Coping through a dying mother, an abusive childhood, things that are outside of your control - up to the point of being competitive for medical school - shows extraordinary strength of character. Coping with a situation you put yourself in, one that is based on a high school relationship no less, does not. It merely portrays you as an intrinsically weak human being.

Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, and I know the world is far more nuanced than how I have portrayed it, but snap judgments will be made, and these will not be in your favor. Do not become argumentative, the choice is obviously yours to make and you needn't defend it to me. Personally, I feel like you're just looking for people to agree with you and tell you what a great idea it is. It is not. Keep your emotional skeletons in your closet.

 

[pianola]

snap judgments will be made, and these will not be in your favor.

Unfortunately, I think this is probably a true statement.

 

[VFTW]

The fact that I kept going back, I feel, was more a result of the verbal/emotional abuse that I received. The focus of my essay would be my freshman year of college... basically, the high school stuff would be mentioned briefly to set up the situation, and I plan to spend most of the essay talking about how I realized that it was an unhealthy situation, how I coped with it while maintaining decent grades, how I decided that I needed to get away and how I did that, and how I recovered after transferring schools.

No. This really has nothing to do with your qualifications for medical school, which is the point of the admissions essay. EVERYONE has baggage that will change what kind of clinician they will be, but you will change so much in medical school that honestly, you can't predict at this juncture how any experiences you had in HS or college will shape you. Sharing this story just makes you look weak and emotionally unstable. As a member of an admissions committee, let me tell you, we don't need to hear about your baggage, we need to hear about what makes you a STAR.

 

[yuiness]

I am not judging you. Quite frankly, it's not my concern beyond telling you that I'm glad you got out of it and have your life under control, so don't bother excusing your actions to me. I'm an irrelevant face of an anonymous message board.

That being said, I am merely trying to show you what most people will see if they're being forced to judge you relative to hundreds of other applicants based on that story. It does not, in anyway, portray you in a positive light. Regardless of your coping mechanisms, you put yourself in such a situation, you allowed it to spiral out of control, and you were the one unable to break the relationship off until well after you originally should have (the second the first argument got physical; the second he cheated on you). What does that tell the adcoms about you, exactly? Your stories need to show strength, moral clarity, etc., not weakness. Your recovery and turn-around demonstrates little more than the strength that any independently strong, confident human being would have had from day one. "I was a weakling for years, people treated me like **** and I took it like laying down, I had zero self-esteem and felt unloved. Nowadays, though, I behave like a normal person. If a boy hits me, I leave him immediately. Go me, I'm normal!This is most definitely not something to base an essay on.

Coping through a dying mother, an abusive childhood, things that are outside of your control, up to the point of being competitive for medical school show extraordinary strength of character. Coping with a situation you put yourself in, one that is based on a high school relationship no less, does not. It merely portrays you as an intrinsically weak human being.

Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, and I know the world is far more nuanced than how I have portrayed it, but snap judgments will be made, and these will not be in your favor. Do not become argumentative, the choice is obviously yours to make and you needn't defend it to me. Personally, I feel like you're just looking for people to agree with you and tell you what a great idea it is. It is not. Keep your emotional skeletons in your closet.

I don't mean to sound defensive/argumentative. I was trying to clarify the approach that I would take. I'm just freaking out a bit, since I can't seem to think of anything else substantive to write about, and my secondary is due in 3 days

With that said, I am slightly offended by your portrayal of my story. I admit that I could have handled the situation better and, in retrospect, am ashamed of how long I let it continue. However, the abuse was, for the most part, very subtle and, even when the arguments got physical, I threw my fair share of punches. At the time, it didn't seem as clear-cut, and I'm a forgiving person. I tried to see things from his point of view and I probably empathized with him more than I should. At the time, I had little idea how bad it was. For the most part, I didn't see myself as being abused-- I saw myself as going through a rough patch with a guy that I loved and thought that I could stick it out. It was less that I knowingly let him step all over me and more that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I was inexperienced and ignorant, maybe, but I don't think I came into the relationship as a weak and insecure person.

 

[olivesolivia]

First of all, let me just say congratulations for standing up for yourself.

My opinion is that if you don't have something else to talk about other than something that happened in high school/beginning of college, they may think you haven't done enough community service or experienced anything that is deemed pretty darn crucial for pre-meds these days (with all the fierce competition). I really think that talking about something when you were still so young may be seen as juvenile (as others have already mentioned). All of us have to look at our essays/statements as objectively as possible, because that is what ADCOMS will and must do.

Maybe consider mentioning it at the beginning and expanding on how it led you to spend time volunteering or being involved in other activities, furthering your maturity and life experience (diversity, helping the underserved, etc). But even doing that is pushing it I think. I think you're better off to stick to something that we all know they will want to hear about. It's been said above me that we've all dealt with our fair share of relationship crap, and most of us have baggage that will change the way we practice. Instead of focusing on this, try writing about something that makes you stand out above all the rest of us! 🙂

 

[olivesolivia]

I don't mean to sound defensive/argumentative. I was trying to clarify the approach that I would take. I'm just freaking out a bit, since I can't seem to think of anything else substantive to write about, and my secondary is due in 3 days

With that said, I am slightly offended by your portrayal of my story. I admit that I could have handled the situation better and, in retrospect, am ashamed of how long I let it continue. However, the abuse was, for the most part, very subtle and, even when the arguments got physical, I threw my fair share of punches. At the time, it didn't seem as clear-cut, and I'm a forgiving person. I tried to see things from his point of view and I probably empathized with him more than I should. At the time, I had little idea how bad it was. For the most part, I didn't see myself as being abused-- I saw myself as going through a rough patch with a guy that I loved and thought that I could stick it out. It was less that I knowingly let him step all over me and more that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I was inexperienced and ignorant, maybe, but I don't think I came into the relationship as a weak and insecure person.

And please, don't feel like you need to defend what you did or did not do back then. It is none of our business! We (should) all completely understand, and we need not step beyond giving you advice about what to include in your secondary.

 

[Handy388]

Most of us here dated.
Some of us had horrible experiences.
But how exactly does a hurtful relationship experience helps you on the application? Can someone tell me ONE thing it may make you standout comparing to other adversity?

 

[foodfood]

I have a few secondaries that ask about "confronting a difficult personal situation"/"overcoming adversity" and I've been debating whether or not to write about an unhealthy/borderline abusive relationship that I was in.

Basically, he was sweet at first, but then started calling me a "bitch" and generally making me feel worthless. He cheated on me multiple times, but my self-esteem had gotten so low that, instead of getting angry at him, I blamed myself for not being good enough. We also had occasional heated arguments in which he threw me against the wall, slammed doors into me, etc. that left me with bruises. We were on and off for a long time and actually decided to go to the same college during an "on" period. By the time we started freshman year, however, he had broken up with me and started dating another girl. Despite this, he refused to leave me alone (calling and asking to hang out, getting his friends to IM me, leaving gifts at my door, etc.--there was once when he outright asked me for sex). At the time, I was still clinging to the fantasy that it would somehow work out between us (I was convinced that no one else could possibly find me attractive at that point), and his behavior took a pretty heavy toll on me. Ultimately, I decided to remove myself from the situation by transferring to a different school and cutting all contact. I gave myself some time to get back on my feet and am now in a very loving relationship with a guy that basically worships me.

I feel like this experience has really had a big effect on who I am, and was definately the most difficult situation that I've faced. It seems, though, like the general opinion is that relationships shouldn't really be brought up. Also, I'm not sure if talking about this experience would reflect well on me.

My other question is, if I do talk about this, should I mention the guy's name? It feels weird to write around the name, and his first name is very common. Should I give him a cover name...?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

first of all, hope you're doing fine after all this! from this reading thread, seems like you reallllly want to write about this, so just write about it. make sure you focus on how you overcame versus the actual situation itself. and show how it will make you a good doctor. and from your mdapps stats, you are obviously focused and driven and were able to overcome this. good luck :]

 

[bozz]

I have a few secondaries that ask about "confronting a difficult personal situation"/"overcoming adversity" and I've been debating whether or not to write about an unhealthy/borderline abusive relationship that I was in.

Basically, he was sweet at first, but then started calling me a "bitch" and generally making me feel worthless. He cheated on me multiple times, but my self-esteem had gotten so low that, instead of getting angry at him, I blamed myself for not being good enough. We also had occasional heated arguments in which he threw me against the wall, slammed doors into me, etc. that left me with bruises. We were on and off for a long time and actually decided to go to the same college during an "on" period. By the time we started freshman year, however, he had broken up with me and started dating another girl. Despite this, he refused to leave me alone (calling and asking to hang out, getting his friends to IM me, leaving gifts at my door, etc.--there was once when he outright asked me for sex). At the time, I was still clinging to the fantasy that it would somehow work out between us (I was convinced that no one else could possibly find me attractive at that point), and his behavior took a pretty heavy toll on me. Ultimately, I decided to remove myself from the situation by transferring to a different school and cutting all contact. I gave myself some time to get back on my feet and am now in a very loving relationship with a guy that basically worships me.

I feel like this experience has really had a big effect on who I am, and was definately the most difficult situation that I've faced. It seems, though, like the general opinion is that relationships shouldn't really be brought up. Also, I'm not sure if talking about this experience would reflect well on me.

My other question is, if I do talk about this, should I mention the guy's name? It feels weird to write around the name, and his first name is very common. Should I give him a cover name...?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

Wow, I am just astonished someone would do something like that to an extremely intelligent, young girl like you. I'm going to go against most people and argue that you should definitely include it.

Your MDApps. is amazing, and I am really in awe of how much you've done despite the problems this relationship has caused. You should be very proud of yourself, and as an admissions officer, I would be very impressed by how well you were able to do academically and extracurricularly. Spin it in that way --> Apart from my self-esteem, my career was extremely important.. despite being beaten down, I was able to extricate myself and succeed academically. That is NOT cocky.. and is way better than talking about wondering whether or not you should report your best friend cheating off of you. It also takes guts, something I feel like many adcoms would appreciate.

How about this? Use an anonymous email address to email the deans of admissions of several schools that you are NOT applying to. Explain the situation briefly, and ask if it would be a good idea to write an essay about your relationship. They are normally pretty helpful. See what they say. Find out for yourself, and if you sense even a little bit of hesitation from them, avoid mentioning it. Wouldn't you want this info straight from the horse's mouth?

 

[yuiness]

My opinion is that if you don't have something else to talk about other than something that happened in high school/beginning of college, they may think you haven't done enough community service or experienced anything that is deemed pretty darn crucial for pre-meds these days (with all the fierce competition). I really think that talking about something when you were still so young may be seen as juvenile (as others have already mentioned). All of us have to look at our essays/statements as objectively as possible, because that is what ADCOMS will and must do.

I've done plenty of community service and the like, but this question asks specifically about overcoming a difficult personal situation and asks for coping skills, which unfortunately rules out a lot of community service stuff (which is more like helping others cope with THEIR difficult situations).

My other two options for this essay are:
1. a bad roommate situation, but this seems pretty trite and possibly even more juvenile
2. accepting an internship in the middle of nowhere with no access to a car because I didn't want to rely on my parents to support me during the summer, and coping by taking 2 hours worth of public transportation into the nearest city on the weekends to shadow/volunteer in an ER

I just feel like the above options pale in their severeness and in the impact that they had on who I am as a person, in comparison to the relationship topic.

 

[Lacheln]

First of all, that was abuse. It was not "normal" relationship drama. I'm a crisis counselor and have worked with many people going through similar things, and I'd like to congratulate you on getting through it - it is not easy.

I am also in the minority that I think it makes for a good essay topic. It's about adversity, it's powerful, and obviously you have learned from it. It seems like people on SDN shy away from anything that could show vulnerability, but frankly vulnerability builds character, and most adults (ie. adcoms) know that. Anytime you make yourself vulnerable you are taking a risk, but I think this process is about calculated risks since that's the only way to really stand out.

Based on some of the comments here I get the feeling that the perception is that adversity has be completely external to yourself, something thrust upon you, but there is a lot to be said for talking about taking responsibility for your situation. Also, as a clinician you are going to deal with people who struggle with these issues, and as you mentioned, your experience will help with that. The combination of empathy, patience, and knowledge is very powerful in helping people deal with issues like this - you really need all three.

The key is to focus on what you learned and how you've applied what you learned since. The more you can focus on the post-abuse years and the benefits you got from the lesson the better. You do need to be able to talk about this in the interview, but again, focus on what this experience has provided to you in terms of being a future physician, hopefully backed up with concrete examples from your volunteer work, etc.

Oh, and as for how to refer to him - I think that depends on the style of your essay.

 

[engineeredout]

Look, not judging you, but just from an outside perspective this is what I see:

• Applicant appears to have extreme self esteem issues that may require counseling.
• Applicant decided to attempt to run away from a difficult situation instead of facing it. How can we be sure this won't happen in medical school or in a difficult job subsequently?
• Bad high school relationships are what she feels are her overcoming difficulty? If this is true then everyone deserves to go to medical school.

Good for you that you got away from it, it just doesn't sound like a good thing to bring up to an admissions committee.

 

[flip26]

OP: don't do it...

 

[Doodledog]

Yuiness:

Although overcoming childhood abuse, overcoming personal illness and even overcoming the type of situation you went through are all "acceptable" topics for such an essay, in order to include it, you must be willing to talk about it in detail in an interview. In general, this type of relationship situation is not a good setup for that interview discussion and will pull an interview away from talking about your goals, your future, etc, into a discussion of your personal life.

This will not be helpful to your application.

Although it is certainly your decision, I recommend you write about something else. I also think you're reaching the point where this thread is becoming less than useful to you and you might consider asking it to be closed or not responding too much more so that it heads to the bottom of the page. I think you've heard the range of answers you'll get.

 

[iheartsnow]

There is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and abusive relationships, much of which is apparent by the posts on this board. This idea that you should have "realized" it the second it became abusive (abusers are manipulative and these things don't happen overnight) is ridiculous. Comments that you ran away are similarly absurd. That's how you solve that kind of situation-- by removing yourself. I did a lot of domestic abuse counseling and as others have mentioned, your story isn't borderline. I think you did an admirable job in putting your life back together. And despite what many have indicated on this board, getting involved in that situation doesn't make you weak or unintelligent. Still, I would NOT write about it. The members of the adcom do not necessarily know all the nuances of abusive relationships and they may think the exact same things about you as the people on this board think. They are still people and they still might judge you, no matter how unfair and ignorant that judgement might be. It's a very risky topic to broach. I'd pick another topic, even if it might not have had as dramatic an impact on your life. Good luck.

 

[yuiness]

There is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and abusive relationships, much of which is apparent by the posts on this board. This idea that you should have "realized" it the second it became abusive (abusers are manipulative and these things don't happen overnight) is ridiculous. Comments that you ran away are similarly absurd. That's how you solve that kind of situation-- by removing yourself. I did a lot of domestic abuse counseling and as others have mentioned, your story isn't borderline. I think you did an admirable job in putting your life back together. And despite what many have indicated on this board, getting involved in that situation doesn't make you weak or unintelligent. Still, I would NOT write about it. The members of the adcom do not necessarily know all the nuances of abusive relationships and they may think the exact same things about you as the people on this board think. They are still people and they still might judge you, no matter how unfair and ignorant that judgement might be. It's a very risky topic to broach. I'd pick another topic, even if it might not have had as dramatic an impact on your life. Good luck.

Thank you. If I became defensive in my replies, it was less that I wanted to justify writing about it, and more that I felt insulted by accusations of weakness, lack of judgment, "running away," overdramatizing my "juvenile relationship drama," etc. I don't blame you--I probably would have thought the same thing several years ago. I will probably not write on this topic, as you suggest, just based on the general lack of understanding that I've seen in this thread.

 

[mdmdt]

There is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and abusive relationships, much of which is apparent by the posts on this board. This idea that you should have "realized" it the second it became abusive (abusers are manipulative and these things don't happen overnight) is ridiculous. Comments that you ran away are similarly absurd. That's how you solve that kind of situation-- by removing yourself. I did a lot of domestic abuse counseling and as others have mentioned, your story isn't borderline. I think you did an admirable job in putting your life back together. And despite what many have indicated on this board, getting involved in that situation doesn't make you weak or unintelligent. Still, I would NOT write about it. The members of the adcom do not necessarily know all the nuances of abusive relationships and they may think the exact same things about you as the people on this board think. They are still people and they still might judge you, no matter how unfair and ignorant that judgement might be. It's a very risky topic to broach. I'd pick another topic, even if it might not have had as dramatic an impact on your life. Good luck.

👍👍 Said it way better than I could have

 

[engineeredout]

There is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and abusive relationships, much of which is apparent by the posts on this board. This idea that you should have "realized" it the second it became abusive (abusers are manipulative and these things don't happen overnight) is ridiculous. Comments that you ran away are similarly absurd. That's how you solve that kind of situation-- by removing yourself. I did a lot of domestic abuse counseling and as others have mentioned, your story isn't borderline. I think you did an admirable job in putting your life back together. And despite what many have indicated on this board, getting involved in that situation doesn't make you weak or unintelligent. Still, I would NOT write about it. The members of the adcom do not necessarily know all the nuances of abusive relationships and they may think the exact same things about you as the people on this board think. They are still people and they still might judge you, no matter how unfair and ignorant that judgement might be. It's a very risky topic to broach. I'd pick another topic, even if it might not have had as dramatic an impact on your life. Good luck.

Let me just throw in that I didn't mean that I thought she was running away, just that its how some people (adcom) might possibly look at it.

 

[BrnEyes]

Look, not judging you, but just from an outside perspective this is what I see:

• Applicant appears to have extreme self esteem issues that may require counseling.
• Applicant decided to attempt to run away from a difficult situation instead of facing it. How can we be sure this won't happen in medical school or in a difficult job subsequently?
• Bad high school relationships are what she feels are her overcoming difficulty? If this is true then everyone deserves to go to medical school.

Good for you that you got away from it, it just doesn't sound like a good thing to bring up to an admissions committee.

Look man, not everybody got shot 9 times. You, like many others on these forums, seem to have missed the point of the question. They are interested in your reaction to the problem and how you coped/dealt with it. It is not a contest to see who has been dealt the worst hand in life.

 

[Retsage]

You people are so easily offended. Nobody in this thread is trying to attack the OP, we're just trying to demonstrate the myriad of reasons why she should avoid using this as her response.

Read Tildy's answer. He probably knows best.

 

[BrnEyes]

You people are so easily offended. Nobody in this thread is trying to attack the OP, we're just trying to demonstrate the myriad of reasons why she should avoid using this as her response.

Read Tildy's answer. He probably knows best.

What do you mean "you people"?

 

[8744]

The point is, though, that I DID extricate myself, and that would be the focus of the essay, if I were to write it. I feel like the fact that I overcame the situation and am now in a healthy relationship, have a strong social network, and live a generally happy life DOES demonstrate some measure of strength--that this happened to me, but I was able to move on.

So what? You are applying to a professional school and they don't care about your personal problems.

 

[priam18]

I'm a little surprised at some of the responses to the OP's situation..

Yes, you're applying to a professional school...but what's the point of a writing a *personal* statement if these schools weren't somewhat interested in your *personal* life? Not all applicants are picture perfect, and if anything, I'd be more worried about an applicant that claimed never to have a unique circumstance they had to overcome, versus someone like the OP. Fact is, if all an applicant has done all their life is spend time in a lab and study, and hasn't gone through any real, substantive issues...how are they going to be able to deal with life in general, talk less of medical school?

I guess since you decided you're not going to write about it anymore, there's not much point further discussing it. Personally though, I wouldn't shy away from experiences that do make one 'appear' weak, even if it was those where one had made a wrong/stupid decision..it only serves to highlight your personal strength, how much you've grown, and how you can also relate to people in similar positions and become an even better practictioner.

Just to give an example, there's a poster around here (forgot her name) who had undiagnosed clinical depression for a major part of her college years. When it finally was diagnosed, she got the help she needed and got her life back together. Just glad the adcoms at the 6-7 schools she got accepted to didn't think she was stupid for not clearly recognizing the signs of clinical depression.

 

[bcat85]

I probably wouldn't include that.

 

[rom3o]

(calling and asking to hang out, getting his friends to IM me, leaving gifts at my door, etc.--there was once when he outright asked me for sex).

There's the problem, you weren't giving him what he wanted. Don't you know lack of sex makes us men frustrated and violent?

 

[MsKrispyKreme]

It seems that you've already made up your mind to include this information in your application so good luck. 👍