I like your ideas and theme but your writing/prose, in my opinion at least, is incredibly pretentious (especially in your opening paragraphs). You of all people, DJT, should know that simple language can be incredibly effective.
Too much rhetoric and lacks content. If I were you I'd use experiences to support the rhetoric from your intro paragraph and intro sentences of every body paragraph.
Clearly the Donald posted his personal statement and then deleted it.
My advice, dont ever post a draft of your PS on a public forum. You can of course send it to internetters in PMs, but you dont want that much info about you being public.
I like your ideas and theme but your writing/prose, in my opinion at least, is incredibly pretentious (especially in your opening paragraphs). You of all people, DJT, should know that simple language can be incredibly effective.