My intro....

[Wifty]

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Well, I am Rebecca aka Wifty and am the official moderator of this forum. 🙂

It doesn't look like I will have to do a whole lot since you all seem to play nice and discuss well. 🙂 Even in topics that could have become heated, you were quite civil and interested in the others point of view....I like that in a person. 🙂

Please, keep it up so that my job here is simple. 🙂 And please write to me privately if there is anything that you feel uncomfortable about or want to discuss....my modem is always open (cable you know! lol)

Anyways, hubby just got accepted to KCOM today and I am bouncing and happy and excited and a bit nervous. 🙂 It is quite an adventure but sometimes I catch myself wondering if I am 'grownup' enough to do all this responsibility of relocating and being a doctors wife. It just feels a bit unreal and yet very natural at the same time. 🙂

I am 31, a student, a non-working medical assistant, mom to 2 cats, married 3 years (1/1/02), trying for a human baby instead of just furry ones, and Wifty is a word I found in an old english dictionary that means 'eccentrically silly' which kind of sums me up pretty well. 🙂

Please introduce yourself so that we can become a group where we feel comfortable sharing what we might be experiencing in our role in this adventure. 🙂

With many smiles,
Wifty

 

[Devdas]

CONGRATULATIONS wifty!....for becoming the moderator of this forum.
I hope you will not boot me from this forum any time in your NEW POWER.Remember,I'm the first person to congratulate you!

Here..is my first question to you.
My wife is also a Physician....then who is the medspouse?...Me or She? <img src="confused.gif" border="0">

 

[csgirl]

LOL! Yes... we need a thread for Doctors' Hubbies. Don't worry wifty, Madanraj is still not "grownup" enough to be a doctor's spouse. 🙂 j/k!

Congrats on being a moderator. 🙂

 

[Devdas]

YES! I,m in REGRESSION STAGE!
gonna wear nappies!!!! 😎

 

[im4real]

Hi there Wifty!

Congratulations on your husband being accepted to KCOM! I am sure you are excited about the news! I'm Christy and a spouse of a 2nd year resident in Family Medicine. This looks like an interesting forum. I'll stop by from time-to-time to see what great advice I can get to help my role as a medwife.

Sincerely,
Christy

 

[Wifty]

No, no, no Christy! With so much experience behind you, you should stop by to GIVE some advice!! We newbies only have the horror stories of what med relationships are like!

I was told that you never see your spouse, and that the divorce rate is about 80% and about 60% of the married students cheat. Any truth to that from the other side?

Madanraj asked:
&gt;&gt;My wife is also a Physician....then who is the medspouse?...Me or She?&lt;&lt;
Thats an easy one!! Whoever changes the kitty litter! LOL Just teasing. If you are both doctors, and in a relationship with each other, you are both medspouses. 🙂 Anyone who has to live with a person in medical training or out, is a medical spouse/partner. 🙂 This means YOU!
And spouse is not synonmous (sw) with wife. 🙂
Btw, hope you are enjoying your regression! LOL

Happy sunday!
Rebecca

 

[im4real]

Should I call you Rebecca or Wifty? Just let me know! ~smiles~

Really, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't think I'm a good one for giving advice on medical relationships. I could learn a lot more from y'all than you from me. I just live my life day by day. I have been blessed with two boys and I do a lot with them, more than my husband. LOL! The best advice I guess I could give is to always be willing to adapt your expectations for your marital relationship.

As far as the divorce & cheating rate, I have no clue. In my opinion, it probably depends on how well the married couple deals with adaptation (change) and STRESS! Again, I haven't read statistics on medical marriages. Please just don't get wrapped up in the statistics though! They're just numbers and doesn't reflect that this WILL happen to you! I tell you this because I remember one time I got all wrapped up in thinking that my husband was BOUND to cheat on me because of the statistics & found myself all paranoid about whether he was cheating on me!!! I used to ask him all the time if the nurses were hitting on him and if he would cheat on me or wanted to or would they make him more happy than me??? Etc... and it made ME miserable!!! So, I decided one day that I was going to stop that foolishness and live my life. If it happens, it happens, but you can't live your life waiting for it to happen, at least that's my total personal take on it!

OK, I hope that helps maybe just a tiny bit! Have a great holiday!

Take care,
Christy

 

[csgirl]

Im4real: WHy don't you just ask your man if he'd ever cheat on you? Ask him if he's ever thought about it... if he's ever wanted to, etc... But don't snap at him if he gives you an honest answer. Make him feel comfortable to tell you the truth. Share with him any times you've been temped to cheat on him... and be honest. If there's one thing I've learned from my own relationshp and from watching others... it's that TALKING is the key. Talk about everything... don't have any secrets between the two of you. It might be difficult at first, but after awhile you'll be amazed by the confort and trust level you'll have after committing to a no-secrets policy with each other.

 

[im4real]

I must have given a false impression because my husband and I are very close and have talked about the cheating topic. I have asked him the very question you pose. He is very adamant about telling me that he is not and I believe him 100%. I haven't felt the need to ask him because he shows no signs of an affair. I feel that we are close. And I wholeheartedly agree that communication is the key. My point was that even though he WAS NOT cheating on me, I felt that I had been pressured to believe that, well, IT COULD HAPPEN TO ME because it happened to them!!!! My husband tells me all the time that the nurses are very professional where he works and they know he's not a player. He is a very direct person and doesn't get into the 'chitchat' conversations with nurses. He's too busy for that!

I feel that I have an awesome husband, but I was paranoid for a time because what I was reading about medical marriages doomed to be destroyed. But now that I am stronger and pulled myself away from drawn to that lifestyle, I KNOW that my husband is a such a wonderful man that is TOTALLY devoted to me and our 2 young boys!!! We have no secrets between each other. We've been together for 11 years and married for 9 years!!!

I'm trying hard to not sound like I have a perfect marriage and trying to be more realistic. I'm NOT doing very well, am I? I've had problems in the past like sounding like I have a perfect marriage which I do not, but I handle situations as they come up and work hard not ever to over-react. So, I hope I have clarified a few mispreceptions! My marriage is great actually! My husband and I have never cheated on one another and never have wanted to... Some won't believe that, but that's a choice one has to make. It's silly to believe that ALL doctors are going to cheat and get divorces... I hate generalizations and that's a terrible one to make. I give physicians so much more credit than that. They are humans just like the rest of us and they make choices just like non-physicians.

Well, I'm babbling. Sorry about that. csgirl, I appreciate your thoughts. I too believe in exactly what you say about asking and communicating with your spouse. I couldn't agree with you more!

Take care,
Christy

 

[csgirl]

Christy, sounds like you and your guy have everything worked out just great. I think you both have a lot to look forward too in your relationship. You don't sound like someone who needs any help from us less experienced SDNers. 🙂 🙂

My man is so fine... I worry more about nurses and other women attacking him... than the other way arround. I trust him 100%, it's other women I don't trust. 🙂 😱

 

[im4real]

csgirl,

I know what you mean! My man is fine too! LOL He gets better with age! haha!

Christy 😉

 

[im4real]

Hey csgirl!

I wanted to add that I can definitely look to you all for advice and I want to. I learn from others' experiences. I really think I can learn a lot from your experiences, csgirl. I go through the same things as other married couples & want to know how y'all handle situations too! Conflicts can happen to any of us, and some things I handle better than others.

Well, I wasn't planning on being such anactive part of this great group of spouses, but I hope I can stay!

Take care,
Christy 😉

 

[Wifty]

Hope you can stay Christy?!?!? As moderator, I have you locked in and you can never leave ::bwa ha ha haha!:: 🙂

I am really enjoying the exchange on this forum. I too believe that communication is the key...even sharing things that you don't want to hear. For instance, if hubby feels comfortable and safe enough to share with me when he sees an attractive woman, then I KNOW he will share with me when something is bigger. Its creating an environment of total love, safety, trust, and openness. I would rather know if he was thinking of cheating, then not because we can work as a couple then to find a solution...and that is the key - to have your desires (whatever they may be) as known by your spouse as they are by you. People will share with each other the most innane things (ie - pumpernickel bread tickles my tummy), but they won't share the things that might actually change the relationship if not shared. But IF shared, then it becomes just another experience that two people go thru together.

LOL Sorry...didn't mean to go on and on but I have seen too many marriages/relationships end because of not sharing. If you aren't able to share, then you should look at your relationship because somewhere there is not enough trust or love and that area needs to be worked on.

LOL There I go again! Too much coffee I am sure! 🙂

Oh...call me Rebecca or Wifty...

 

[csgirl]

I've been through so much with my man. Our relationship has been long-distance from day one. Just as we were getting used to the distance thing... it was time for him to apply to medical school... now that that's over... it's now my turn to apply to medical school! We fantasize about the day when we will both be in our residencies and in the same geographical area... when we will finally be able to live together for more than 4 months at a time. 🙁 😕 🙂

 

[im4real]

Hi Rebecca!!!

Thanks for the sweet invite! haha! Ummm... Let's see... I know you asked Kris about the tough times, and I know she'll have great advice. But I thought I would give you some thoughts on tough times we've had... I hope you don't mind.

My husband's first year (Intern year) was a tough one. When he was on his hard rotations, I literally had panic attacks. It was hard smack in the face that I was to take care of EVERYTHING!!! It was a weird feeling like I was a single parent with my spouse still living with me sleeping, eating, sleeping, eating!!! I had to be the strong one for the kids and my husband. I totally wore down! I got so depressed & overwhelmed!!! His Intern year changed me. I'm not sure if that's good or not! Anyway, now I take meds for my anxiety/depression and it helps! And when my husband has gotten depressed, it further overwhelmed me because I had a lot on my plate already! I wish I would have had a friend to talk to about the medical field & depression as it was a big deal going through it! I still have bouts of depression even though I take meds. It's a never ending cycle! However, 2nd year is so much better than first. It's better, but not perfect. I still have a hard time when my husband is on med service because there is no time for ME!!! I don't go out much. I have only gone out two or three times alone without the kids. I am always with them. And although I love them dearly, I wish I had some ME time!

What I also find hard about times in residency is having to give my husband a "REALITY CHECK". It's hard for me to have to tell my husband that he needs to get a grip and not expect me to cater to every whim when he walks through the door. I'm not a nurse who needs to be told orders!!! I'll take those orders when he pays me a nurses' salary!!! haha!

Well, those are some of the hard times I have experienced. My husband's med school must have not been that tough because we breezed through with little stressful times and then residency came and whack! I was in shock, denial, anxious times, and depression! It was tough for me personally, but I'm not always that strong! I think for me though a part of it was I had a newborn the beginning of his Intern year and he had a birth defect & sicknesses that I had to deal with all alone. I hate being alone!

Well, I've probably said too much! Sorry! It's just I need to talk it out. It's very therapeutic for me! Thanks for anyone who's listening!

Sincerely,
Christy

 

[Wifty]

Spout away Christy! ;-)

I am sorry that you didn't have anyone to talk with about the depression. I have 'brain glitches' of my own and they have occasionally made life interesting. I think that is why I like as much info upfront - so I can prepare. 🙂

It sounds like you have enjoyed the time though for the most part, even with the down times. What do you think keeps you going the most? What gives you the extra oomphh (official term) when things are difficult or extra lonely?

Its good to hear that med school can be a breeze (for the spouse at least! lol). I have been told that it really depends on the couple and what is important to them.

I want to ask about kids too, but will start another thread so that people can find it.

Btw, I am really glad you are posting a bunch....feel free to write me privately too if you get bored or lonely or whatever! 🙂

Wifty

 

[commymommy]

Christy,

I can relate to soooo much of what you say.....We did residency in germany and the UK, but it was still nothing in comparison to coming to the US and having him suddenly take call all of the time. Before, he had had call, but the hospital in the UK had an entire suite reserved for the house officers and I brought up our dinner and a movie every time he was on! When we arrived back in the US, my daughter was just 5 weeks old and my oldest was only 15 months, and I went from being what I thought was a good wife and mother to...well...to basically feeling like a big failure....

I also suffered from anxiety attacks and depression and I just...I didn't think I could make it. I was finally diagnosed with a post-partum depression because of the timing...but the best help for me was to have it treated.....The last year of his residency was really great, actually. He worked less, and I felt really good.

Fellowship was another "smack in the face" for both of us this time...I guess you remember how things were for us then Christy...it was horrible. I couldn't sleep, I cried all of the time...even when I was at school or in the lab...sometimes I just stood at my lab bench and sobbed because I just felt like such a failure at holding it all together. My husband was so busy working and was so focused on his career that there just seemed like there was no time for me or the kids...and any problem that one of the children had at the school was something that I had to handle...I felt so completely overwhelmed.....I would have to say that his two years of fellowship were the worst of my life....

We've been out of "trainging" since June, and although things are far from perfect, they are definately better! It is a shame that the process of training physicians in this country can really break the physician and their spouse...I look back on so many things that happened during those times and realize that they didn't need to be that way...

About having ME time, Christy...you and I are in a similar situation.....I still find that there is little time for "mom". Now that Thomas isn't a resident I have taken to going out by myself 😳 for coffee three nights a week to a really neat coffee shop with a good book...but I do find it all to be so isolating...at least for me...In real life, I am insecure and shy and so I have a hard time getting out and introducing myself...besides that...with my three little monsters in tow, it hardly seems worth the effort sometimes 😀 I really can't even imagine trying to take them to the mall alone now...even a trip to the Burger King play area is tough....

The biggest complication in my life right now, I would say, is feeling isolated and without a support network since we moved...starting over is always so tough...

You and your dh are half-way there now, Christy...doesn't it feel GREAT! Before you know it, you guys will be hitting the interview trail again.........

Have you thought of getting together with Raquel though?

BTW,

Don't believe Christy about not being strong..despite everything that she went through last year, she had a positive attitude that put us all to shame.

Kris

 

[im4real]

Rebecca!!!

I'm here too much today!!! You must be growing on me!!! haha! Thanks for your thoughtfulness! Depression is such an awful feeling. Unless you have had it, you just begin to describe how helpless you feel to do or be anything!

Oh my goodness, I was a BIG MESS during my down times. I just did what I had to do for the kids & crawled into my bed and slept the day away or surfed the net. I was totally depressed!! My self-esteem was shot. There has been other things that have happened in our lives that deeply affected me, that I have a hard time coping, but I manage the best way I can! I don't bother people and I keep to myself. I have really started becoming this way this past year. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to answer the phone. I just don't want to do anything, but what I have to do for my children & husband. That's why I feel that I can't really say how to handle a marital relationship, because what I do, I just do with no real oomph behind it! My life is pretty pathetic, but my husband is very good to me, so I can't complain in that department. I give him what he wants, even though I suffer in silence.

Sorry, I'm being so gloomy today. My husband is on med service this month, and like I mentioned previously, I always get depressed on his service months. Some days I feel like I am going to drown in my own depression, but deep down I know I'll survive this trial too! I must be in a lovey dovey sharing mood tonight to share this type of info with y'all! LOL

I'm crying even as I type this because I feel so abandoned this month. There is nothing I can do about it though. I just got to get through it! The more I think about my loneliness, the more upset I get. I mean I don't get any big thrills being married to a physician. I'm not thinking about monetary means when I think of him. I think of him as my Best Friend and One I want to be there for. Meanwhile, my spirit is broken.

For me, Rebecca, my kids are my strength. I have always wanted lots of kids and they mean everything to me! I cannot think of anything more wonderful to have than children! I try to thrust myself into their lives as much as I can and not think about the couple time I'm not getting. I guess days like today are depressing because my husband will come home and eat and then walk out the door to play basketball with the residents at the Wellness Center. Now, I won't complain & I'll wish him the best of luck in playing basketball, meanwhile, I am so increditably sad that no one can know. I can't bother others with my sadness. Lil' ole me doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. It's all about making him comfortable & happy that he pursued medicine. So, I just go along with the game plan and be what I'm supposed to be.

Well, that gives you a taste of my life. I'm telling you about the sad, depressed times, but please know that I do have happy moments too! To think that spouses don't feel the pain of their resident is not true though. I make an extra effort to make my husband feel secure & loved & appreciated, but unfortunately the feeling are not reciprocated. If any of this makes sense, that's good! Every couple deals with situations differently and copes differenly. Find a good way to cope for yourself. I'm still learning!

Take care,
Christy 😉

 

[im4real]

Kris,

You asked about getting together with Raquel. Well, I just don't feel comfortable with it. I'm close to her as you are.

Christy

 

[commymommy]

I hope things get better for you really soon.....when is his next outpatient month?

 

[commymommy]

I have only talked to Raquel a couple of times to order Avon 😉 and she is a nice person...but also is having such a hard time....I asked her last time I talked to her why she didn't give you a call, because you all live so close, and she said that at one time you had talked about it but that she was also feeling on the shy side about it now....Give her an avon call...or send her an email....

I met Kelly...I didn't know her and she and I both were nervous as all get-out, but it turned out to be a really great thing....You and Raquel live so close, it would be such a shame for you guys not to help each other out!

I think we both know her equally well....

Kris

Well, if you ever want to talk, I know that you have your friends from your website and family and friends nearby...but if you ever feel like it, you can send me a private message and I'll give you my phone number...I know you probably won't take me up on it, Christy, and for sure, I don't have the answers 😀 ...at all...but I'd listen....I'm sorry that Bob is on such a hard month. I've been there!

Kris

 

[Wifty]

Oh Christy! I wish I could just wrap you up and give you a huge hug and a shoulder to cry on and then take you off to disney land for an all-adult silly time. I really wish I could....

I don't have children (we have had some difficulties) but everything else, I can relate to. I really have been there and felt that already, and it makes me sad that others have had to feel the same feelings. Though, it makes me strong and ready to face the future knowing that I might have those feelings again (as you are having them) but that others are going thru a similar thing.

Do you know what I mean? 🙂

And I am glad that I am growing on you....just call me Wifty the Mold. LOL

Write anytime....
With a hug...
Rebecca

 

[Devdas]

WOW!..........being in the medspouse forum feels like watching OPRAH SHOW!

I thought of throwing my 2 cents...then I realised the show would turn into JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!
So,I changed my mind.... 😀

Wifty...you are turning into a good host!...keep it up!....someday you would become like OPRAH! 😉

 

[im4real]

Originally posted by Madanraj:
•WOW!..........being in the medspouse forum feels like watching OPRAH SHOW!

I thought of throwing my 2 cents...then I realised the show would turn into JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!
So,I changed my mind.... 😀 •••

How in the world did you ever think this would turn into the Jerry Springer Show??? I don't see the connection really. I'm just sharing my thoughts about being a medical wife. I'm not throwing any chairs oe even thought to! haha!

Christy

 

[Devdas]

Christy,

I did not say that your thoughts would change MEDSPOUSE SHOW aka OPRAH SHOW into Jerry's show...only if I add my great Cheating experiences/escapades would turn 😀

 

[im4real]

heehee!

 

[Wifty]

Actually Madanraj, I would love to see your experiences....even if they made Jerry Springer look like the Tellitubbies! 🙂

I don't know how much like Oprah we are since I haven't watched her since she went all mushy, but I do know that no matter your experience, I will listen and offer support and try to make you feel like you have something of value. Hmmm....I DO sound sort of Pollyannaish. 🙂

So lay on some of the Jerry Springer cheating stories you have.....I am interested in how they happened and how you feel in retrospect.

Wifty aka Pollyanna-by-day/something-else-by-night LOL

 

[Devdas]

I really do not mind confessing in this forum 😱 but i'm worried Bizmarkie would discard me from my "Role model" status and there is also risk of losing my "Chummy" award.Award commitee has the rights to strip my award due to immoral behaviour.


🙁

 

[Wifty]

Oh well, I guess then that I will be left to speculate and imagine about your so-called immorality. 🙂
Isn't it though, that immorality is in the eye of the beholder? Your life might be well within your moral code and so you should still be able to keep your 'chummy' award. 🙂
Little secret: some of the sweetest, most loving people I have ever met...were into some of the most kinky of activities. It had no reflection on their day-to-day friendships.
But, I will desist in trying to get you to teach us from your life. You will just have to come up with something else. What do chummy people talk about? 🙂

Wifty....poking a bit of fun...🙂

 

[jacquedai]

Hello everyone! I am a Chinese medical student of Peking Union Medical College and majoring in OB&Gy. And now I am taking rounds in Peking Union Hospital.I am't very skilled in expressing in English.But I still would like to say that it's my honor to join you. Maybe I will bother some of you with many medical questions in nearly future.Would you like to discuss with me?

 

[jacquedai]

I'm so sorry for I gived you a wrong adress. In September this year I transfered to Peking Union Medical College in Beijing from Chengdu.Since my email adress keep unchanged you still can reach me by mail.
I feel confused and boring recently even without the family problem like that of Wiffy's for still being single. Being a doctor in China become more and more dificoult with the very low salary compared with that of persons in IT and much higher medical risk. The health insurance reform is launching throughout the whole country. People both the patients and the doctors are feel confused facing much rapid change. The disagreement between patients and doctors, insurance companies and hospitals, patients and patients spread the daily rountin work. I often get tired not by the medical problem but by the non-insuranced drugs on my patient's insurance bill.

 

[acrowder]

First, I would like to say that you are all doing on hell of a job on this forum!!! I really mean that! My hat is off to you all.
My name is Allen and I have not posted much to the SDN but read it all the time. I'm 28, just married my bestest friend in the world and she has talked me into following my dream of being an
MD. She graduated top of her class at Virginia Tech but I do not hold any degree at all. So, I will be going back from scratch. Its a VERY long road and I'm not real sure that I should be attempting it
at my age since I would be over 40 before I would be out of school. I say this not because I think of it as a *age* issue but rather a *would it be fair too her* issue. We will also be walking away
from a fairly comfortable life salary wise since we both work for dot.com's here in the "Silly-Con Valley". When we met I was working as a commercial deep sea diver in the Gulf of Mexico and
made very good money, but for safety reasons and the long stretches at sea I quit the profession and work for an ISP now. ( I REALLY like seeing her every night on the pillow next to me.) She is
aggressively supportive that I should pursue this dream, but again I have to ask, is it fair to put her through all of the details that go along with the "yet another" career change? We talk about this
almost every day for the past couple years, usually at her prompting. We talk about how we will make ends meet and she is addimit that she will work 3 jobs if she has too. Sounds admirable and all,
but would I be willing or able to watch her do that and still be able to study effectively without feeling like a failure as a husband? Tough call! (Divers are known to have a testosterone surplus. This
is directly related to the "I must support my woman" mentallity...sorry)Plus, who's to say I have the gray matter to do it? I've spend several years sucking helium and absorbing nitrogen! 😀
When I was in Dive School I worked as an EMT in LA. That is where I got my first taste of the health care world. It's been in the back of my mind since day one that I would really like to be an
MD but I dismissed it as a pipe dream. May as well want to be Pres one day....Stuff like doesn't happen for guys like me. Now, after being with Kristin for the past 2 years, she has really opened my
eyes. She is really an inspiration for me. I pray I am as much too her. I guess its the fact that I could marry suck a woman (things like that doesn't happen to guys like me...) that made me realize
that maybe I've sold myself a bit short.
I have been following all or your stories/feelings/experiances and I have to tell you, it is a carbon copy of what I seen in the military! Also, in the military, we had a spouses club and from what I
could see, it really helped. Keep in mind, I was not married but several of my fellow solders were. You guys are doing some awsome stuff here. Keep it up.