Need Feedback on Disadvantaged essay Please!

[hoihaie]

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[SecondChance84]

Would appreciate any feedback you guys have regarding my disadvantaged essay! Some location/names have been replaced for privacy (marked with brackets).
Thanks a bunch!

"My dad left when I was in second grade. Two years later, my mom, sister, and I immigrated to [America] to join my uncle for a fresh start. My mom, who was a teacher in [a foreign country], couldn't find any jobs except as janitor at a laundromat. Even though our financial status qualified us for low income health insurance ([government insurance policy name]), the limited acceptance of the insurance policy and language barrier prevented us from seeking medical attention except under dire times like when my forearm fractured.
While my dad agreed to provide minimal child support, I wanted to be independent and make my mom proud. Therefore, I started working part time with my uncle at his carpentry jobs starting middle school and through high school.
While my mom was busy at work, my sister and I struggled through school and maintaining our home. My first year of college was tainted by a lack of discipline which I later developed when I became interested in medicine. Aside from my [school name] jobs, I also held private tutoring sessions for organic chemistry and biology throughout college to support myself and share the financial burden with my family.
Despite these obstacles, I learned how to balance the various responsibilities I now have, as well as seeking out any resources and support needed to persevere through the difficulties."

I personally don't think anything after working in middle school should be included. I, along with many other people I know, had to work throughout high school to pay for car insurance, etc. Also, it seems like your trying to sneak in points that should be saved for a PS (lack of discipline but went on to become a tutor). I have seen other people disadvantaged essays on this forum, and in comparison yours seems to be weak. I worry that an adcom might think you are trying to milk the disadvantaged thing when you are not (as) appropriate as others. Also, its supposed to be for things that happen until you turn 18, I believe.

 

[Ismet]

Read this, maybe it will give you some ideas/perspective on how to write the essay: http://www.usnews.com/education/blo...t-it-means-to-be-a-disadvantaged-md-applicant

You say "While my dad agreed to provide minimal child support, I wanted to be independent and make my mom proud." That doesn't really demonstrate disadvantage. That paints the picture that you already had enough money to support your family, but you wanted to get a job anyway. The flipside of that would be having to forego educational opportunities because you had to work in order to put food on your family's table that night.

I'm not saying that you weren't disadvantaged, but right now your essay isn't conveying disadvantage after your first paragraph.

Also don't use passive voice. Your forearm didn't fracture. You fractured your forearm.

 

[blueharbor]

Would appreciate any feedback you guys have regarding my disadvantaged essay! Some location/names have been replaced for privacy (marked with brackets).
Thanks a bunch!

"My dad left when I was in second grade. Two years later, my mom, sister, and I immigrated to [America] to join my uncle for a fresh start. My mom, who was a teacher in [a foreign country], couldn't find any jobs except as janitor at a laundromat. Even though our financial status qualified us for low income health insurance ([government insurance policy name]), the limited acceptance of the insurance policy and language barrier prevented us from seeking medical attention except under dire times like when my forearm fractured.
While my dad agreed to provide minimal child support, I wanted to be independent and make my mom proud. Therefore, I started working part time with my uncle at his carpentry jobs starting middle school and through high school.
While my mom was busy at work, my sister and I struggled through school and maintaining our home. My first year of college was tainted by a lack of discipline which I later developed when I became interested in medicine. Aside from my [school name] jobs, I also held private tutoring sessions for organic chemistry and biology throughout college to support myself and share the financial burden with my family.
Despite these obstacles, I learned how to balance the various responsibilities I now have, as well as seeking out any resources and support needed to persevere through the difficulties."

I wouldn't say your first year was "tainted by a lack of discipline," since the rest of your essay is about the self-discipline/work ethic you developed growing up...it seems incongruent.

 

[LizzyM]

I agree with @Ismet "I broke my arm" is much better than "my forearm fractured".

 

[kyamh]

Went to the usnews site.

"2. Feeling a lack of belonging: Students from immigrant backgrounds, or who otherwise faced cultural or racial adversity in school, often use this space to discuss those issues."

Really? Doesn't every (non Canadian etc) immigrant feel a lack of belonging and face cultural isolation and bullying/discrimination in school. As an immigrant, I don't buy it.

 

[Ismet]

Went to the usnews site.

"2. Feeling a lack of belonging: Students from immigrant backgrounds, or who otherwise faced cultural or racial adversity in school, often use this space to discuss those issues."

Really? Doesn't every (non Canadian etc) immigrant feel a lack of belonging and face cultural isolation and bullying/discrimination in school. As an immigrant, I don't buy it.

I think it affects some more than others, depending on where you immigrated from and where you immigrate to. I grew up in a rural/suburban town that is 98% white Caucasian, and people in my high school (not all of them, but a fair number) were incredibly hostile toward "others." I had a Middle Eastern friend who was berated on a daily basis, often people making jokes that they had a bomb in their backpack or 9/11 stuff. If you grow up in a more urban/diverse setting, you're probably less likely to face as much isolation and discrimination.

 

[kyamh]

I think it affects some more than others, depending on where you immigrated from and where you immigrate to. I grew up in a rural/suburban town that is 98% white Caucasian, and people in my high school (not all of them, but a fair number) were incredibly hostile toward "others." I had a Middle Eastern friend who was berated on a daily basis, often people making jokes that they had a bomb in their backpack or 9/11 stuff. If you grow up in a more urban/diverse setting, you're probably less likely to face as much isolation and discrimination.

In some school districts you may be one of two white kids in the class Talk about the culture shock of having never seen anyone Black before. I get what you're saying though.