SaltyDog

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So a while back someone started an anesthesia jokes thread. I think this forum could use a general joke thread. To kick things off:

Voted Joke of the year in Australia

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
> coast.
> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
> night wondering what could have happened to her.
> Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by
> a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
> says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
> news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>
> 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
> first?'
> The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
> Young Bill here found her lying at about
> five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line
> around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is
> naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But
> after a few minutes
> he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite
> a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
> so we've brought you your share.'
> He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and
> four or five crabs in it.
> 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
> and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
>
> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
> Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
> there and pull her up again!
 
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SaltyDog

SaltyDog

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Well since nobody else has any, I'll go ahead and amuse myself:

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but we're still not sure how they got in there.
 

Gern Blansten

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From a couple of years ago:

Top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival:

  • Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
  • Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
  • Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
  • Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
  • Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
  • Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
  • George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
  • Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
  • Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad."
  • Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
 
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From a couple of years ago:

Top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival:

  • Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
  • Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
  • Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
  • Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
  • Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
  • Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
  • George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
  • Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
  • Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad."
  • Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nice. Here's some more:

http://www.freemaninstitute.com/Wright.htm
 
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SaltyDog

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Ah yes. Who doesn't appreciate a good pedophile joke. Here's a few more:

A little boy and a child molester are walking into the woods at night. The little boy looks up and says "Gee mister, it's spooky out here." The child molester responds "Hey kid, you think you're scared - I gotta walk outta here alone in a few minutes."


A priest and a rabbi are eating lunch at a picnic table that overlooks a busy playground. The priest says "You know, I bet I could screw all those kids over there." The rabbi says "Screw 'em outta what?!"

(It's not too often you get to nail 2 religions in 1 joke)
 
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And now to clean things up:

A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a cop walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Is this a fukkin joke?!"
 

dhb

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Do you know what women and pools have in common?


It takes a lot of maintenance for the little time you spend in them.
 
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Pretty sure I posted this one a while back but:

What do CN VII and the vagina have in common?




Both supply taste to the anterior 2/3 of the tongue.
 

Chip N Sawbones

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Hello, and welcome to the SDN Psychiatric Department hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
If you have dissociative identity disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while trace your call.
If you have Kluver-Bucy syndrome, use your tongue to press 6.
If you have a depersonalization disorder, remain floating in the air while your body presses 7.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press. Nobody will answer.
If you have narcissistic personality disorder, have one of your many admirers press 8 for you.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice in your head will tell you which number to press.
If you have anterograde amnesia, press 9.
If you have anterograde amnesia, press 9.
If you have anterograde amnesia, press 9.
 
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So an African Anerican, a Democrat, an illegal immigrant, and a Muslim walk into a bar and the bartender says:


What can I get ya Mr.President?



Sorry, just had to sneak one in before he officially left office. Don't worry, I'm sure our president elect will provide PLENTY of material to work with.
 
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Vladimir Donkovic worked in a Russian pickle factory.
For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Vlad to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day Vladimir came home from work very early.

His wife, Sasha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the first time, Vladimir tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.


Sasha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?”

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
 

0kazak1

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Two toms and a cymbal fall of a cliff...ba dum tis.

What chord plays when a piano falls down a mineshaft? A Flat Minor

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes Whack ‘Dang it!’ the other goes ‘Dang it!’ Whack.
 
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SaltyDog

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What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes Whack ‘Dang it!’ the other goes ‘Dang it!’ Whack.
If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t for you.
 
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What do you call a masturbating cow?


Beef Stroganoff





What do you call a cow that had an abortion?


Decaffeinated.
 

Consigliere

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My dad cried after I gave him his 70th birthday card....he said one would have been enough.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said "Thanks. How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I replied "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical."

I named my hard drive "that ass" so now when Windows restarts it asks me if I want to back that ass up.
 

Consigliere

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I don’t know what you’re talking about. I honestly tried to find the most innocent image I could.
For fooks sake man! Now when I scroll through the threads, instead of seeing the familiar avatar, I see a stupid, motherf_ucking Care Bear and it angers me greatly.
 
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Fun Fact:
Dolphins are the only animal aside from humans that will engage in sexual intercourse for fun.






You have no idea how many animals I had to go through to figure that out.
 

dhb

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Women goes to a sex shop, looks around, then tells the clerk she wants the yellow green black and red dildos.

The clerk says no problem for the yellow green and black but for the fire extinguisher i'll have to ask the boss.
 

abolt18

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The part about the Capuchin monkeys is the best.
"...after his suspicions were aroused."

Are we sure it was his suspicions that were aroused?
 
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa .
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room."Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.



The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"



"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.



The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?"



"I remember that, too," she replied softly.



He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten outtoday.