Non doctor dating doctor - Possible?

[ihsak4health]

Hello Everyone!

I am dating a first year resident so have started to read about the world of medicine. We are doing the long distance thing now and I have a very good professional job of my own. Although its always known the doctors are busy as hell but I don't think we both anticipated how challenging residency would be. He has been doing a great job with trying his best but i know it will take its toll eventually.

I am sure there are other couples out there whom one of you are not in medicine. So, what to do, accept the fact there are many lonely days ahead? Maybe if the guy was the one not in medicine, it would work better? Of course, long distance doesn't help either. I have been patient and have alot of capacity but maybe that is an unrealistic expectation as time goes by and the work never slows down.

Would love to get everyone's perspective. Thanks for reading!

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[contessas]

You stated:

" He has been doing a great job with trying his best but i know it will take its toll eventually."

" I have been patient and have alot of capacity but maybe that is an unrealistic expectation as time goes by and the work never slows down."

Those things haven't changed for me and my husband and from reading the forums, they didn't really change for a lot of the other spouses/significant others. Unless the ring is on the finger (even if the ring is on the finger), you'd have to ask yourself if you are okay with the two realities quoted above.

Those realities don't change. It will take its toll and you do have an unrealistic expectation if you think circumstances will somehow free up. Especially in a long distance relationship. Bear with the deprivation for the tiny light at the end of the tunnel, or go with what your gut seems to tell you in the post and move on.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic here. Anyone feel free to chime in and completely disagree with me.

Good luck.

 

[redstorm]

cant work!!!

Break up with him

immediately

ofcourse it depends on his specialty

 

[Tzips]

For a serious answer - THINK. How many of the physicians whom you know are married to physicians?

Now the long distance thing, that's a whole nother ballpark, and an extremely difficult, overgrown, weed-infested one at that. All I can say is, depends - not very helpful but the only honest one.

 

[bananaface]

I have known some very strong couples that have gone long distance - even after years of being married. As long as you understand that the other person is your partner, regardless of distance, it can work.

 

[ihsak4health]

From the number of replies, I wonder if that means, the general medical public dates other medical busy bodys.

Its only the beginning so I don't want to rule anything out. But it seems like practicing medicine puts you in a different world and I wonder if our worlds will ever cross.

I hope I get more replies.

 

[rafael1]

Here's the deal. ANY relationship CAN work but it takes alot of work. If you're up for the LD thang, go for it. If it works fine, if not... call me. (if you're hot) Haha.

Just jokin' around.

 

[Tzips]

From the number of replies, I wonder if that means, the general medical public dates other medical busy bodys.

Its only the beginning so I don't want to rule anything out. But it seems like practicing medicine puts you in a different world and I wonder if our worlds will ever cross.

I hope I get more replies.

Frankly, what do you want us to say? Firstly, this thread is in the wrong forum if you want serious advice from people who are sober, sane, and awake. Secondly, while relationships like the one you describe can and do exist, we have no way of predicting whether yours will be one of the surving ones or will fizzle out as so many LD relationships (which, imho, is the bigger barrier to a lasting relationship than professional differences - as long as you understand why he likes what he does, there should be no issue there) do. AFAIK, many "medical people" date and/or marry non-meds, but you seem not to believe me.

 

[DireWolf]

Frankly, what do you want us to say? Firstly, this thread is in the wrong forum if you want serious advice from people who are sober, sane, and awake. Secondly, while relationships like the one you describe can and do exist, we have no way of predicting whether yours will be one of the surving ones or will fizzle out as so many LD relationships (which, imho, is the bigger barrier to a lasting relationship than professional differences - as long as you understand why he likes what he does, there should be no issue there) do. AFAIK, many "medical people" date and/or marry non-meds, but you seem not to believe me.

stern.

 

[LovelyRita]

Hello Everyone!

i know it will take its toll eventually.

Maybe if the guy was the one not in medicine, it would work better? Of course, long distance doesn't help either. I have been patient and have alot of capacity but maybe that is an unrealistic expectation as time goes by and the work never slows down.

1. If you know it's going to take its toll eventually, then stop wasting your and his time. You could be dating someone in your same city that's really into you.

2. I was in medicine, my guy was not. And we did long distance. He was jealous of my time commitments and my med school friends. I moved back to be with him and then we broke up.

Find a resident where you live.

Find happiness.

 

[yaah]

I am an MD and have never wanted to date another MD. I like my non MD girlfriend quite a lot and she likes me.

 

[alison_in_oh]

I am sure there are other couples out there whom one of you are not in medicine. So, what to do, accept the fact there are many lonely days ahead?

The simple answer is yes. From the very moment that my husband chose his pre-med path in college, his mother (the wife of a gastroenterologist) has been priming me for the inevitable unavailability of my partner. Time and again over the subsequent 6 or so years she has urged me to take up hobbies and have my own life that doesn't depend on him -- but that easily integrates him on the occasions that he's around. Medical spouses know that the one thing you can never do is count on your partner to entertain you or accompany you to social activities -- or even to show up on time to dinner. It's a hard lifestyle that demands sacrifice.

That said, there are a LOT of people making it work. From everything I've heard from those who've made it all the way through training and beyond, intern year is the very hardest thing your relationship will have to withstand. If you can be a flexible and understanding partner, if you can be patient and willing to carry the burden of making the relationship work much of the time, especially during training but also after, you can have a successful partnership. But that's an awful lot to ask of a long-distance relationship, one that sounds quite new from the tone of your post. So there's some soul searching in your future, and some open communication with your partner too.

Good luck!

 

[toofache32]

Why on earth would a doctor want to date another doctor? And why does anyone care what their occupation is?

 

[ihsak4health]

Thanks for telling me about the intern year being the hardest as this is his intern year right now. At least I know this may be the worse in terms of the next few years.

I think everyone thinks its cool to date a medical person, like its some sort of trophy. But I just started to realize how diff the life will be compared to other professions. Anyways, that being said, finding the right guy who works all the time is probably better than being w/ the wrong, 'alot of free time' guy.

My naive 2 cents.

----

The simple answer is yes. From the very moment that my husband chose his pre-med path in college, his mother (the wife of a gastroenterologist) has been priming me for the inevitable unavailability of my partner. Time and again over the subsequent 6 or so years she has urged me to take up hobbies and have my own life that doesn't depend on him -- but that easily integrates him on the occasions that he's around. Medical spouses know that the one thing you can never do is count on your partner to entertain you or accompany you to social activities -- or even to show up on time to dinner. It's a hard lifestyle that demands sacrifice.

That said, there are a LOT of people making it work. From everything I've heard from those who've made it all the way through training and beyond, intern year is the very hardest thing your relationship will have to withstand. If you can be a flexible and understanding partner, if you can be patient and willing to carry the burden of making the relationship work much of the time, especially during training but also after, you can have a successful partnership. But that's an awful lot to ask of a long-distance relationship, one that sounds quite new from the tone of your post. So there's some soul searching in your future, and some open communication with your partner too.

Good luck!

 

[Toofscum]

I am a newspaper editor, and my husband is a third year resident. We got together in his third year of med school.

Residency has been far harder than either of us imagined. Both of us decided on our current city for his residency, and I moved there after I was done with grad school. However, neither of us knew anyone here (no family here either). It's been 2.5 years since I've lived here, and I've only made one sort-of friend. It's been very, very lonely for me.

Med school was a walk in the park comapred to intern and residency. Intern year was hard but nothing compared to residency. My husband typically has call Q4 (though sometimes more frequnetly), rarely has a weekend off (like maybe once every 3-4 monts), and sleeps nearly all day in his post-call days. We really only go out one night a week, which for me is way too few. I feel very lonely nearly all the time, after I get home from work, because he is always either asleep after he comes home or studying or on call.

To sum up: being the wife of a med student is easy. Being the wife of an intern/resident has been extremely hard. I knew what I was getting into (sort of) but I haven't been able to find enough hobbies/outside interests to sufficiently fill my time so that I don't get extremely lonely. (I work a 9-5 job, 40 hours per week). There really isn't anything I'd suggest, though, besides knowing what you're getting into and perhaps pursuing graduate study or getting a second job (something I've been considering) so as to decrease the amount of time you feel lonely. But honestly, the amount of hours they work/study is unbelievable. 80 hours at work and then at least 2-3 hours per night of study, more on the weekends. That leaves very little time for being with their spouse/partner. At first (like the first couple of years of residency), I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea of him just not having time for me. I struggled with this a good deal. Now, I thin I've finally internalized the concept that if he could, he would spend time with me. But he can't, because he has work responsibilities. I used to feel that if only he prioritized his time better, he'd have more time for "us." But once I allowed myself to realize that he isn't purposely not making time for me, I started to feel (a bit) better. However, it's still lonely for me when it's a Friday or Saturday night and I'm out at a restaurant and movie alone. It's also very lonely to sleep alone every 4th night.

Sorry to sound so depressing, but I'm home alone right now!

 

[kassie]

Keep in mind - trophies are sometimes nice to look at and sometimes hideous. Regardless trophies are practically worthless.

I always wonder why anyone else that works less than 2 full-tome jobs is ever attracted to an MD. It is just bizarre to me to suffer like that. People who make it work are special people with an independent and selfless heart. But the MDs sometimes like the non-meds because when it comes time to have kids, at least someone is able to chip in more than them. And for them its an outlet to this crazy world we're in that often doesn't make much sense and is a vicious cycle of work and ego.

don't get me wrong - I love what I do. My family doesn't put up with my hours I don't understand how a spouse who isn't in my world would. I tried dating non-professionals and it ended up in disaster every time. it wasn't a fair trade for them.

just my 2 cents.

I think everyone thinks its cool to date a medical person, like its some sort of trophy. But I just started to realize how diff the life will be compared to other professions. Anyways, that being said, finding the right guy who works all the time is probably better than being w/ the wrong, 'alot of free time' guy.

My naive 2 cents.

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[benelswick]

Its good to hear the the real deal advice and not the idyllic hopefulness of naive couples on their way into the process.

Even though I'm only a pre-med I work full time 40hrs+ and go to school full time. I was already married and living a different kind of life when I started on this path. My wife and i are stronger as couple than anyone i've met...not money or any other obstable was a problem for us. But the thought of being on the sideline of my future life in medicne has become a major concern for her. It may end up unraveling us. even though my wife is the love of my life I cannot see myself doing anything else but medicine...and so it seems a difficult road ahead. --Ben.

 

[ihsak4health]

The job I have not is a very good one, with actual career goals I can pursue. I travel alot so this doesn't make the 'long distance' part of it so difficult. But, if this relationship continues, I would think I need to move to his town b/c 5 yrs is too much since we have never lived in same town before. And, I know the companies in his area will not offer the career my current employer offers. Which means, I will be one of the no career lonely ladies at home.

The reason I even wanna try knowing what I knowing at 2months into dating is b/c I really like him and feel it will be hard to find something like him - with our similar culture background and general interest. If only doctors have weekends off, that would be more sane.

 

[ihsak4health]

I'm posting this while waiting for trick or treaters. Sorry for the wording mistakes.

 

[kassie]

What residency is he in? internal med? surgery? different fields have a future possibility of weekends off...

 

[ihsak4health]

diagnostic radiology. i think he told me its more family friendly. but geez, we are just dealing with dating now ... that part of the future seems quite distant.

but oh well. i try to tell myself i rather have 5% of him than none at all. Let's see how long i can keep this mentality ....

 

[ihsak4health]

Have you heard of the medical spouse website? I just found it yesterday and its so cool. Everyone is going through this and try to create get together in certain cities or at least have a forum for us to complain to.

www.medicalspouse.com

But yea, too many lonely nights can get to any strong, independent, optimistic person.

I am a newspaper editor, and my husband is a third year resident. We got together in his third year of med school.

Residency has been far harder than either of us imagined. Both of us decided on our current city for his residency, and I moved there after I was done with grad school. However, neither of us knew anyone here (no family here either). It's been 2.5 years since I've lived here, and I've only made one sort-of friend. It's been very, very lonely for me.

Med school was a walk in the park comapred to intern and residency. Intern year was hard but nothing compared to residency. My husband typically has call Q4 (though sometimes more frequnetly), rarely has a weekend off (like maybe once every 3-4 monts), and sleeps nearly all day in his post-call days. We really only go out one night a week, which for me is way too few. I feel very lonely nearly all the time, after I get home from work, because he is always either asleep after he comes home or studying or on call.

To sum up: being the wife of a med student is easy. Being the wife of an intern/resident has been extremely hard. I knew what I was getting into (sort of) but I haven't been able to find enough hobbies/outside interests to sufficiently fill my time so that I don't get extremely lonely. (I work a 9-5 job, 40 hours per week). There really isn't anything I'd suggest, though, besides knowing what you're getting into and perhaps pursuing graduate study or getting a second job (something I've been considering) so as to decrease the amount of time you feel lonely. But honestly, the amount of hours they work/study is unbelievable. 80 hours at work and then at least 2-3 hours per night of study, more on the weekends. That leaves very little time for being with their spouse/partner. At first (like the first couple of years of residency), I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea of him just not having time for me. I struggled with this a good deal. Now, I thin I've finally internalized the concept that if he could, he would spend time with me. But he can't, because he has work responsibilities. I used to feel that if only he prioritized his time better, he'd have more time for "us." But once I allowed myself to realize that he isn't purposely not making time for me, I started to feel (a bit) better. However, it's still lonely for me when it's a Friday or Saturday night and I'm out at a restaurant and movie alone. It's also very lonely to sleep alone every 4th night.

Sorry to sound so depressing, but I'm home alone right now!

 

[tlew12778]

I basically agree with everything contessas wrote.

Personally I find that medicalspouse website scarey. The few times I've been on it it seems like most of the women there don't work and they really fall into (and often like) the traditional "woman's role". I'm not saying that's bad, but I like a little variety IYKWIM.

 

[toofache32]

... and they really fall into the traditional "woman's role"...

...you mean like barefoot,pregnant, and in the kitchen?

That reminds me of a good joke. But I think I'll keep it to myself in the present company. Unless you want to hear it.

 

[bananaface]

...you mean like barefoot,pregnant, and in the kitchen?

That reminds me of a good joke. But I think I'll keep it to myself in the present company. Unless you want to hear it.

Guys have it good. I can keep a hubby barefoot and in the kitchen, but I still have to bear the kids myself.

 

[toofache32]

OK, I can't resist....What's wrong with a woman being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen? She can't cut the grass.

 

[benelswick]

I basically agree with everything contessas wrote.

Personally I find that medicalspouse website scarey. The few times I've been on it it seems like most of the women there don't work and they really fall into (and often like) the traditional "woman's role". I'm not saying that's bad, but I like a little variety IYKWIM.

Yo that's what i got from it. holy stepford psycho-spouses. it's like they don't have anything to do except organize the next group-knitting session.

 

[bananaface]

OK, I can't resist....What's wrong with a woman being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen? She can't cut the grass.

Whatever. She can get down on her hands and knees and clip around the table legs and you know it.

 

[BlueEyesInNYC]

Maybe its just me, but honestly if you truly love someone, then the sacrifice you make to be with that person isn't so much of a big deal.

However, if the "lifestyle" aspect of being with a future doctor has you enamored (consequently, I assume from medicalspouces, that's mostly the case) then of course you should feel lonely and miserable, IMHO.

You get what you give in this world. If he truly means the world to you, then putting up with his schedule shouldn't be the worst thing (putting up with his egomania is quite another matter, but i digress!) in the world.

It seems it takes a very strong, very independent partner to deal with the complications of a partner's career, but that is true of every field not just medicine. Seems a little cliche and entirely too sentimental, but the truth of the matter is "LOVE CONQUERS ALL."

Now if you just love him because of his credentials, then by all means feel lonely and miserable, because that's what you get for chasing someone for his/her (future) credentials rather than the person he/she is inside.

 

[bananaface]

Why on earth would a doctor want to date another doctor? And why does anyone care what their occupation is?

Well, some people like to be able to come home and talk about work while others don't. If someone in a medical field wants to be able to talk about work in detail, it is helpful if the other person has enough medical background to understand what they are blabbing about. If they want just light conversation about how the day went, it doesn't really matter either way. If they don't ever want to talk about work at home, it is best not to have a S.O. who has interests in the medical field.

Some people also find that relationships with someone on the same financial level eliminate any paranoia about golddiggers and potential alimony. It's not that they distrust everyone else, just that it's less complicated to avoid the issue.

 

[pharmeronadell]

Well, some people like to be able to come home and talk about work while others don't. If someone in a medical field wants to be able to talk about work in detail, it is helpful if the other person has enough medical background to understand what they are blabbing about. If they want just light conversation about how the day went, it doesn't really matter either way. If they don't ever want to talk about work at home, it is best not to have a S.O. who has interests in the medical field.

Some people also find that relationships with someone on the same financial level eliminate any paranoia about golddiggers and potential alimony. It's not that they distrust everyone else, just that it's less complicated to avoid the issue.

Right on! It's nice to be able to bounce ideas off of your spouse and have them understand what you are talking about.

 

[raspberry swirl]

i think that one of the most important things that has been sort of mentioned in the other posts is your ability to make friends in a new place and your proximity to your family and other friends. if your're in a city where you know no one, and you're not near your family, and you're not the type of person that meets people easily, you might be in for a lonely road. but if you have friends wherever you are living that you can do stuff with, and can go visit family or out of town friends for a weekend once a month or so, i dont think it would be so bad. plus, once intern year is over, diagnostic radiology does get a lot better. i did a radiology rotation, and those residents had a pretty freaking sweet schedule. one of the residents sat on the phone and talked to her husband all day while waiting for films to come in

 

[OphthoWife]

Seems a little cliche and entirely too sentimental, but the truth of the matter is "LOVE CONQUERS ALL."

QUOTE]

Love does not conquer all. Most of the time it just takes sheer determination.

 

[Do.the.DO]

Yo that's what i got from it. holy stepford psycho-spouses. it's like they don't have anything to do except organize the next group-knitting session.

I'm the wife of an MSII and the Medical Spouses website wives are a LOT like the ones I've encountered IRL. One actually told me that she didn't care what they had to go through during his education because he'd be making six figures in a few years. Okay, so much for wanting to help people... Needless to say, I don't hang out with a lot of them. I think my head would spontaneously explode after a very short amount of time.

So long as you have a very realistic idea of what this time in his education will be like and you both have a strong committment to making this work, then you two should have a successful relationship. Kinda hard to tell though if you're only at the dating stage.

My relationship with my husband works well for us. But I also had a VERY good understanding of his time constraints and what our lives would be like BEFORE he was ever accepted into school. The fact that I'm not now, nor ever was in the medical field is totally irrelevent to our marriage. What is relevent is that we are committed to each other, to making the other's life better if we can, and to acheiving each other's dreams.

And to whomever posted about the "trophy" of having a doctor spouse, you'd be surprised how different people treat you when your spouse is a med student/doctor. It's really odd. My husband is still the same goober he always was, but his family and many of his old friends treat us a little differently now that he's in medical school. Go figure. Freaks.

 

[don juan]

diagnostic radiology. i think he told me its more family friendly. but geez, we are just dealing with dating now ... that part of the future seems quite distant.

but oh well. i try to tell myself i rather have 5% of him than none at all. Let's see how long i can keep this mentality ....

diagnostic radiology...just think of all the fun you'll be able to have spending his money

 

[kassie]

And to whomever posted about the "trophy" of having a doctor spouse, you'd be surprised how different people treat you when your spouse is a med student/doctor. It's really odd. My husband is still the same goober he always was, but his family and many of his old friends treat us a little differently now that he's in medical school. Go figure. Freaks.

You spouse is only an MS2 so I don't think it's truly been felt by them yet, but if those people who give more respect just because someone's a doc/future doc only knew what med students/docs had to do sometimes...the rectal exams, relieving constipation mannually, putting in foley catheters, the smells, etc., they might think differently. I am convinced some docs have that holier than thou additude to make up for what they're really doing every day. Kinda like the guy who has a fancy car to make up for his small appendage down there...


I give a lot of credit to nurses who have to do this a lot more than we do - they deserve more money.