Non-trad with family concerns

[TwirlerGirl]

Hi All,

I’m new to this, but I wanted to share my story and get some feedback. I am 30 years old, married, have two toddlers, and am currently an engineer. My spouse encouraged me to chase my dream of medicine, and I have now been accepted. The problem seems to be that even though I was told my spouse would follow me (and we have to move), that’s not the case now that I’ve gotten my acceptance. Of course this is extremely hurtful and frustrating since this has been my lifelong dream. Do I go or throw away the acceptance and move on? I wish I wasn’t put in this situation, but it seems that no matter the route, it puts strain on my marriage. Family is so important, but isn’t healing and pursuing what you’re made for? Thoughts?

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[SpoiledMilk]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Best that you and your spouse go speak to a counselor to work this out. SDN is just not the place to seek advice regarding something this life impacting.

I hope whatever decision you make, it's one that's best for you, your family, and that you will be happy and can live with...

 

[Shotapp]

I agree with DV-T. Don't seek advice from anonymous posters on the internet.

 

[precisiongraphic]

I agree with the others who say to see a counselor, as asking for help here might not be the best way. But I might suggest asking your school for a one-year deferral to give you more time. Some schools will and some won't but if you have to move that might be a good enough reason for another year to prepare and maybe they'll agree. Then you won't have to decide in a hurry and may have time to make an informed decision.

 

[Forever Geebs]

The complexity of your family dynamic is not one we can ascertain by reading your post nor is it any of our business, to be honest. As others have suggested, seek out a counselor/therapist and try to figure out what's best for you and your family. It's an unfortunate situation to be in, but with the right help and guidance, I hope for a positive outcome for all involved.

Best of luck to you.

 

[deleted480308]

As someone who has both, I propose family is more important than medicine

Seek counseling

 

[parabellum]

Why did they change their mind?

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Weird that he said to follow your dream and then bailed when you got accepted. Kind of seems like he never thought you’d get in. Family is more important than medicine, but I’m not sure I’d want to continue to be with someone who thought that little of me.

But I’m not a counselor. You should both go speak to a marriage counselor ASAP to get it figured out before you do anything.

 

[redfish955]

You could treat a pa program like a MBA. It would give you the same income as engineering after two years and forty hour work weeks. You would never be the boss and always work for a doctor.

 

[BC_89]

More than just to an extent I understand what your dealing with. Similar age, two kids and a spouse. Few years ago I got accepted in my #1 program (albeit different health field) and last second had to make a choice to stay with family or push on my own. To keep family together (oddly enough) I joined the military. My spouse is with me, kids are happy. I’m looking at many more years before I push onward to new educational goes just to get debt wiped clean due to keeping my family together.

My point: if I had to choose again, my family would still be my priority. Age is just a number and the goal will be that much sweeter when it arrives.

Like others said, I don’t know the rhyme or reason of why the spouse won’t follow persuit, but I’d seek further discussion with counselors and others if capable. You can always make more money, can’t make more time. Best of luck.

 

[TwirlerGirl]

Why did they change their mind?

Last minute entrepreneurial opportunity came up that he refuses to turn down. The thought is that of course he was all in, but situations changed, so he wants to satisfy that itch instead.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Last minute entrepreneurial opportunity came up that he refuses to turn down. The thought is that of course he was all in, but situations changed, so he wants to satisfy that itch instead.

Oh, wow, that's tough. I can understand if he was worried about the impact on the kids if, for example, you were all moving away from grandparents who were providing back-up child-care or if he was worried about changing jobs and that he wouldn't be able to get a new job at the med school location.

That he is prioritizing his goal over yours after your long (and I assume arduous) journey to an acceptance could be considered selfish. I still recommend asking for a deferral from your school for one year (tell them that the family needs more time to prepare for a move and job change) and go to counselling. Good luck.

 

[BC_89]

Last minute entrepreneurial opportunity came up that he refuses to turn down. The thought is that of course he was all in, but situations changed, so he wants to satisfy that itch instead.

If that’s the face value of it I completely have a change of mindset of what I would do in your shoes...nonetheless I still concur to discuss it with outside resources

 

[Fun1nth3sun1]

You could always try reapplying to a school nearby if there are any in your area? This is why I always recommend applying to schools you would consider going to and would be able to go to, to avoid these dilemmas even if it means applying to only 1 or 2 schools..

 

[TwirlerGirl]

You could always try reapplying to a school nearby if there are any in your area? This is why I always recommend applying to schools you would consider going to and would be able to go to, to avoid these dilemmas even if it means applying to only 1 or 2 schools..

Yes that appears to be my only option. That’s the compromise. But there’s no guarantee. Just a hope that others see me the way the school that accepted me has.

 

[TwirlerGirl]

If that’s the face value of it I completely have a change of mindset of what I would do in your shoes...nonetheless I still concur to discuss it with outside resources

Agreed. I’m still trying to convince him that that is the appropriate course of action. I am speaking to someone, have been for two years now, but he does not want to join.

 

[TwirlerGirl]

Oh, wow, that's tough. I can understand if he was worried about the impact on the kids if, for example, you were all moving away from grandparents who were providing back-up child-care or if he was worried about changing jobs and that he wouldn't be able to get a new job at the med school location.

That he is prioritizing his goal over yours after your long (and I assume arduous) journey to an acceptance could be considered selfish. I still recommend asking for a deferral from your school for one year (tell them that the family needs more time to prepare for a move and job change) and go to counselling. Good luck.

A deferral has been granted, thank gooodness, as of Friday afternoon. We have a year to figure this out. I’m not sure how it will go, but we will try.

 

[Forever Geebs]

A deferral has been granted, thank gooodness, as of Friday afternoon. We have a year to figure this out. I’m not sure how it will go, but we will try.

I hope everything works out for you.


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[precisiongraphic]

A deferral has been granted, thank gooodness, as of Friday afternoon. We have a year to figure this out. I’m not sure how it will go, but we will try.

I'm glad that you acted on that suggestion and hope it works out for you.

 

[precisiongraphic]

You could always try reapplying to a school nearby if there are any in your area? This is why I always recommend applying to schools you would consider going to and would be able to go to, to avoid these dilemmas even if it means applying to only 1 or 2 schools..

It appears that he agreed to move so she could go to this school at one time and is now changing his mind. So she did only apply to schools that meet your criteria but now the spouse has changed the parameters without her concurrence.

 

[TwirlerGirl]

It appears that he agreed to move so she could go to this school at one time and is now changing his mind. So she did only apply to schools that meet your criteria but now the spouse has changed the parameters without her concurrence.

You are correct. My spouse did tell me he would move and that we would figure it out. Now it is not convenient for him, and he wants me to make alternate arrangements.

 

[parabellum]

It seems like your spouse is not open to compromise, and potentially didn't expect you to be successful, which indicates a bigger issue than competing job prospects. With the limited information provided, I say go. It may resolve on its own, he may give in, but I doubt it will be the last time you have issues like this.

 

[TwirlerGirl]

It seems like your spouse is not open to compromise, and potentially didn't expect you to be successful, which indicates a bigger issue than competing job prospects. With the limited information provided, I say go. It may resolve on its own, he may give in, but I doubt it will be the last time you have issues like this.

I agree that it won’t be that last time, and it isn’t the first time; although, it’s never been this big. I’m tired of being a door mat. If I didn’t have kids, it’d be easy. I know one option is to try and reapply to local schools, but there are some other factors in prerequisites, timing, and acceptances that make the choice I made the absolute best. He would like the compromise for me to reapply to local schools, but then I give up my other opportunity and risk not getting in. At 30, that just is not an option if I’m going to pursue this.

It’s ok to change your mind about something like buying a car or selling a house. I put this up there with big things like whether you want to get married, have kids, etc. It’s life altering. You don’t tell someone oh sure, sure, sure I’ll move wherever you get in and make it work for med school and residency up until you accept an offer and then change the rules. It just blows my mind.

 

[futuremdforme]

This is tough. He's the one with a new opportunity that you never agreed to -- seems like he is changing the rules and then making it seem like you're the one putting the family in a tough place. How long do you have to decide?

If you turn it down, I would think that chances of being accepted again are low.

I would be super angry... but at the same time, this is your spouse, you obviously want the marriage to work. I don't know if you can do that if you sacrifice your dream (that you followed with his support) then he put himself first, and threw your dreams under the bus.

 

[Forever Geebs]

Since activity on this thread has increased and other posters are offering advice based on new information OP has shared, I would like to remind everyone that we don’t know anything about OP’s personal situation and all of its complexities, so we should really do all of us a favor and not make such life-altering decisions. This is what a marriage counselor, therapist, etc. is for which they are much more qualified than us to do so. I say this out of respect for her personal life, marriage, children, etc.


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[precisiongraphic]

I agree that it won’t be that last time, and it isn’t the first time; although, it’s never been this big. I’m tired of being a door mat. If I didn’t have kids, it’d be easy. I know one option is to try and reapply to local schools, but there are some other factors in prerequisites, timing, and acceptances that make the choice I made the absolute best. He would like the compromise for me to reapply to local schools, but then I give up my other opportunity and risk not getting in. At 30, that just is not an option if I’m going to pursue this.

It’s ok to change your mind about something like buying a car or selling a house. I put this up there with big things like whether you want to get married, have kids, etc. It’s life altering. You don’t tell someone oh sure, sure, sure I’ll move wherever you get in and make it work for med school and residency up until you accept an offer and then change the rules. It just blows my mind.

It is one of those big decisions and I really feel for you being in that hard spot. Did you not apply to local schools or did you apply and not get in?

A somewhat related story is a friend and her husband who had had four miscarriages. Finally, on the fifth pregnancy, she was able to get to the seventh month and all looked good. One day that month, she came home from work and he had moved out, taking everything of his. She asked him why and he said he didn't want to be a father. She said, what about all those times we kept trying - didn't you think to tell me then? And he said "I never thought you'd succeed." Sounds like your husband didn't expect you to get in or didn't expect to ever have to move.

At least you got the deferral so you can examine the issues and decide over the next few months.

 

[curbsideconsult]

It is one of those big decisions and I really feel for you being in that hard spot. Did you not apply to local schools or did you apply and not get in?

A somewhat related story is a friend and her husband who had had four miscarriages. Finally, on the fifth pregnancy, she was able to get to the seventh month and all looked good. One day that month, she came home from work and he had moved out, taking everything of his. She asked him why and he said he didn't want to be a father. She said, what about all those times we kept trying - didn't you think to tell me then? And he said "I never thought you'd succeed." Sounds like your husband didn't expect you to get in or didn't expect to ever have to move.

At least you got the deferral so you can examine the issues and decide over the next few months.

Wow..... I thought that happened only in Lifetime movies. I hope karma bites him in the butt.

 

[Fun1nth3sun1]

Wow..... I thought that happened only in Lifetime movies. I hope karma bites him in the butt.

That is terrible! I cant imagine that....That is something one should discuss before getting married but I cannot imagine someone changing their mind like that..

 

[sindadel]

I am so sorry. Supporting a spouse through medical school is a major undertaking and one I am very grateful my husband was able to succeed at. I do think you need counselling, not because you shouldn't take advice from anonymous strangers on the internet but because I suspect the trust in your relationship is damaged. This is a tough decision, but career decisions have to be joint decisions when you have a family so if he doesn't want med school for you, why should you support his entrepreneurial opportunity. Good luck!

 

[Fun1nth3sun1]

It is one of those big decisions and I really feel for you being in that hard spot. Did you not apply to local schools or did you apply and not get in?

A somewhat related story is a friend and her husband who had had four miscarriages. Finally, on the fifth pregnancy, she was able to get to the seventh month and all looked good. One day that month, she came home from work and he had moved out, taking everything of his. She asked him why and he said he didn't want to be a father. She said, what about all those times we kept trying - didn't you think to tell me then? And he said "I never thought you'd succeed." Sounds like your husband didn't expect you to get in or didn't expect to ever have to move.

At least you got the deferral so you can examine the issues and decide over the next few months.

Honestly now that I think about is the way the husband reacted is very ridiculous and unacceptable. I mean if he did not want children he should have told her before even marrying her first of all. And secondly, he needs to accept the reality that he will be a father whether he likes it or not. The wife is not going to go out and have an abortion or kill the children since he waited until she was 7 months pregnant to tell her. A lot of men have not wanted children but when their significant other or spouse gets pregnant they accept it and become more open minded about the idea. Maybe it was destined for him to eventually have this child with his wife even though he did not want one. How can he just abandon the wife and now soon to be child after I am sure, like years of marriage? The child is going to exist whether he likes it or not so abandoning them is the solution?! He sounds very immature and kind of reminds me of a teenage boy who bails on his girlfriend when she gets pregnant..

 

[libertyyne]

I mean the husband does have valid issue he brought up to change his mind. Which is an entrepreneurial opportunity that didnt exist when OP was applying. So when things change our opinions and priorities do change. That being said , OP you should take the kids and move. Living apart while your hubby does his career thing isnt the end of the world and 4 years is a short time in the great span of things considering you have at-least 7 of training left 3 of which you have little control over. Deferment is also an option , but frankly it is only kicking the can down the road and not really changing the situation. You could also reach out to local schools and see if they would transfer you from the school you were accepted to.