obtaining old AMCAS confidential letters of recommendation

[slowlybutshelly]

I matriculated to an allopathic school in 1992. I was hazed, entrapped, given an F for physiology courses that I passed; discriminated against as an out of state student. Altogether a terrible terrible nightmare. I left with 250k in debt and then went to a Carribbean School and went another 250k in debt to repeat courses I had already passed. I am the most in debt of any med student in the nation. I salvaged myself by passing my boards, only to let Step1 expire. I recently won an appeal to retake the exam.

I left said school knowing that the only way I could get records to my 'you were one of our top applicants' files was with a lawyer and I decided to cut my losses because as an INFP, I cant handle conflict.

For my recent appeal, I was able to get old MCAT records from 1990. I contacted my alma mater to try to get confidential letters of recommendation (composite) that was sent to AMCAS. The registrar's office said that they didnt keep electronic records prior to a certain year (1994).

The school I matriculated to said that my records were destroyed when I left.

If you were me, would you try to get these old confidential letters of recommendation? and if so, how?

My status now is that I am trying to get an ECFMG certificate by finding a school to sponsor me and let me finish clinical rotations.

#longwindymiserableroad

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[mhagerman]

.

 

[DokterMom]

Why are you wanting your old LORs? If I were evaluating your candidacy for something, I would certainly want new LORs. Or are the old ones wanted for some sort of legal action?

 

[Lawpy]

I matriculated to a top ten allopathic school in 1992. I was hazed, entrapped, given an F for physiology courses that I passed; discriminated against as an out of state student. Altogether a terrible terrible nightmare. I left with 250k in debt and then went to a Carribbean School and went another 250k in debt to repeat courses I had already passed. I am the most in debt of any med student in the nation. I salvaged myself by passing my boards, only to let Step1 expire. I recently won an appeal to retake the exam but only after finding old MCAT scores etc.

I left said school knowing that the only way I could records to my 'you were one of our top applicants' files was with a lawyer and I decided to cut my losses because an INFP cant handle conflict.

For my recent appeal, I was able to get old MCAT records from 1990 (which were 99%ile in sciences). I contacted my alma mater Duke to try to get confidential letters of recommendation (composite) that was sent to AMCAS. The registrar's office said that they didnt keep elctronic records prior to a certain year (1994).

The school I matriculated to said that my records were destroyed when I left.

If you were me, would you try to get these old confidential letters of recommendation? and if so, how?

My status now is that I am trying to get an ECFMG certificate by finding a school to sponsor me and let me finish clinical rotations.

#longwindymiserableroad

Honestly I don't know where you are in the process and what you intend on pursuing exactly. Going to tag @gyngyn for clarification regarding how to access letters from AMCAS long ago and whether that's even practical.

 

[gyngyn]

Honestly I don't know where you are in the process and what you intend on pursuing exactly. Going to tag @gyngyn for clarification regarding how to access letters from AMCAS long ago and whether that's even practical.

The pursuit of old, confidential letters is fruitless.
They probably no longer exist. If they do exist, they would not be released to OP.
If they were released, they would be of no value.

 

[Donald Juan]

This can't be a real story...

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

This can't be a real story...

So to summarize a few things in this thread from reading OP's prior posts.

1. Graduated Duke Undergrad in 1988.
-This has relevance since it means OP is at a minimum 50 years old. (Assuming age 21 at college graduation)

2. Graduated undergrad with a 2.7 GPA
-Presuming the end goal here is not just graduating medical school but matching into residency, this is relevant as it points to a history of sub-standard academic performance (relative to the applicant cohort) going back to undergrad.

3. Attended and dismissed from 1 US medical school and one caribbean school, now attempting to apply to a second carib school
-According to other posts the US school was UVM - not sure quite how this was a "top 10" US school

4. Failed Step 1 four times, passed on fifth attempt. Passed CS. Failed step 2 CK 4 times and has never passed it. Now has surpassed the seven year limit required for ECFMG certification, and would have to retake ALL Steps again.
-OP has been "on the outside" of any medical education for over 5 years at this point. And now is seeking a position that would require a complete restart.

I'm sure responding to this poster at this point is tantamount to beating a dead horse from looking at this and other threads. But it would appear there are major practical, financial, and legal/licensing hurdles that are just impossible to overcome. Even if the OP somehow gets into SABA, retakes and passes all three exams, they will then be applying to residency programs as a 55 year old with the above educational history.

 

[DokterMom]

(In response to SouthernSurgeon's recap of post history)

Wow. There's persistence and then there's this...
@OP - Go live your other life and get over this doomed-to-failure endeavor.

 

[DrfluffyMD]

I am sorry....

 

[Yung Kelso]

If what Southern Surgeon said is true, OP, I don't think you have a chance of getting sponsored anywhere. Not even Pyongyang College of Medicine...I know sometimes its hard to give up on something when you have put so much effort into it, but sometimes you just gotta know when to throw in the towel...

 

[deleted765155]

I matriculated to a top ten allopathic school in 1992. I was hazed, entrapped, given an F for physiology courses that I passed; discriminated against as an out of state student. Altogether a terrible terrible nightmare. I left with 250k in debt and then went to a Carribbean School and went another 250k in debt to repeat courses I had already passed. I am the most in debt of any med student in the nation. I salvaged myself by passing my boards, only to let Step1 expire. I recently won an appeal to retake the exam but only after finding old MCAT scores etc.

I left said school knowing that the only way I could records to my 'you were one of our top applicants' files was with a lawyer and I decided to cut my losses because an INFP cant handle conflict.

For my recent appeal, I was able to get old MCAT records from 1990 (which were 99%ile in sciences). I contacted my alma mater Duke to try to get confidential letters of recommendation (composite) that was sent to AMCAS. The registrar's office said that they didnt keep elctronic records prior to a certain year (1994).

The school I matriculated to said that my records were destroyed when I left.

If you were me, would you try to get these old confidential letters of recommendation? and if so, how?

My status now is that I am trying to get an ECFMG certificate by finding a school to sponsor me and let me finish clinical rotations.

#longwindymiserableroad

I didn't even realize that this form of discrimination existed

 

[LutGholein]

I matriculated to a top ten allopathic school in 1992. I was hazed, entrapped, given an F for physiology courses that I passed; discriminated against as an out of state student. Altogether a terrible terrible nightmare. I left with 250k in debt and then went to a Carribbean School and went another 250k in debt to repeat courses I had already passed. I am the most in debt of any med student in the nation. I salvaged myself by passing my boards, only to let Step1 expire. I recently won an appeal to retake the exam but only after finding old MCAT scores etc.

I left said school knowing that the only way I could records to my 'you were one of our top applicants' files was with a lawyer and I decided to cut my losses because an INFP cant handle conflict.

For my recent appeal, I was able to get old MCAT records from 1990 (which were 99%ile in sciences). I contacted my alma mater Duke to try to get confidential letters of recommendation (composite) that was sent to AMCAS. The registrar's office said that they didnt keep elctronic records prior to a certain year (1994).

The school I matriculated to said that my records were destroyed when I left.

If you were me, would you try to get these old confidential letters of recommendation? and if so, how?

My status now is that I am trying to get an ECFMG certificate by finding a school to sponsor me and let me finish clinical rotations.

#longwindymiserableroad

I've seen your posts from before--all I can say is i'm sorry.

May I ask what's your reasoning behind obtaining the old letters of rec? I'd imagine they would hold little value now and would most likely not be in existence---no idea why a school would store those letters after all these years. I hope you find peace. I wish there was more I could say.

 

[username456789]

I matriculated to a top ten allopathic school in 1992. I was hazed, entrapped, given an F for physiology courses that I passed; discriminated against as an out of state student. Altogether a terrible terrible nightmare. I left with 250k in debt and then went to a Carribbean School and went another 250k in debt to repeat courses I had already passed. I am the most in debt of any med student in the nation. I salvaged myself by passing my boards, only to let Step1 expire. I recently won an appeal to retake the exam but only after finding old MCAT scores etc.

I left said school knowing that the only way I could records to my 'you were one of our top applicants' files was with a lawyer and I decided to cut my losses because an INFP cant handle conflict.

For my recent appeal, I was able to get old MCAT records from 1990 (which were 99%ile in sciences). I contacted my alma mater Duke to try to get confidential letters of recommendation (composite) that was sent to AMCAS. The registrar's office said that they didnt keep elctronic records prior to a certain year (1994).

The school I matriculated to said that my records were destroyed when I left.

If you were me, would you try to get these old confidential letters of recommendation? and if so, how?

My status now is that I am trying to get an ECFMG certificate by finding a school to sponsor me and let me finish clinical rotations.

#longwindymiserableroad

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop deluding yourself with misguided thoughts of practicing medicine. It 100% isn't going to happen for you, I'm sorry to say.

And as others have pointed out, Vermont is nowhere near a top 10 medical school.

 

[bachprotege]

If what Southern Surgeon said is true, OP, I don't think you have a chance of getting sponsored anywhere. Not even Pyongyang College of Medicine...I know sometimes its hard to give up on something when you have put so much effort into it, but sometimes you just gotta know when to throw in the towel...

You mean Pyongyang Medical University (Pyongyang Medical University | Facilities | NTI). Eh, my friend said it's going just soso there, but one time he got a 93% on both his micro and pharm tests (skipped the botulism and hypnotic sections in the Kim Il Sung Clinical Medicine book) and was forced to study in labor camp #11 next door. Hopefully it won't hurt his chances for US residency.

 

[Brahnold Bloodaxe]

How does somebody accumulate 250k in med school debt in 1992?

 

[EM hope]

Sorry I can't be of any help. I applaud your tenacity. Keep being true to yourself and do what you need to do.

 

[W19]

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop deluding yourself with misguided thoughts of practicing medicine. It 100% isn't going to happen for you, I'm sorry to say.

And as others have pointed out, Vermont is nowhere near a top 10 medical school.

Well, he technically can practice medicine if he becomes a NP or a DPM... I don't think OP has a chance to get into PA school...

 

[gonnif]

The pursuit of old, confidential letters is fruitless.
They probably no longer exist. If they do exist, they would not be released to OP.
If they were released, they would be of no value.

I agree with 'gyn on this. The only way to show evidence of these letters at this point would be affidavits from the original writers from nearly 30 years ago. However since MCAT and UG transcripts still exist show academic record, so I am unsure what the letters of rec would show, now would they likely stand up to a good lawyer in court who can easily discredited 30 year old memories and recollections

 

[gonnif]

I'm sure responding to this poster at this point is tantamount to beating a dead horse from looking at this and other threads. But it would appear there are major practical, financial, and legal/licensing hurdles that are just impossible to overcome. Even if the OP somehow gets into SABA, retakes and passes all three exams, they will then be applying to residency programs as a 55 year old with the above educational history.

At this point in debt and age, chances are much better in being admitted as a cadaver than as a student.

 

[username456789]

Well, he technically can practice medicine if he becomes a NP or a DPM... I don't think OP has a chance to get into PA school...

Nurses practice "nursing".

 

[Dr. Rafiki]

Nurses practice "nursing".

Alas, the sad state of affairs regarding NPs and their legal rights in this country. A person with the academic failings of OP could perhaps get a nursing degree and proceed to be a nurse who pretends he's a doctor. Could go all the way for the online DNP and then REALLY trick patients into thinking they're being seen by a physician.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

Alas, the sad state of affairs regarding NPs and their legal rights in this country. A person with the academic failings of OP could perhaps get a nursing degree and proceed to be a nurse who pretends he's a doctor. Could go all the way for the online DNP and then REALLY trick patients into thinking they're being seen by a physician.

Why does every thread have to devolve into this topic??

IMHO OP's obvious instability will prevent them from pursuing any of these routes.

 

[Brahnold Bloodaxe]

At this point in debt and age, chances are much better in being admitted as a cadaver than as a student.

Ouch! OP may have to contact @failedatlife and ask for username rights after that one.

 

[DokterMom]

Alas, the sad state of affairs regarding NPs and their legal rights in this country. A person with the academic failings of OP could perhaps get a nursing degree and proceed to be a nurse who pretends he's a doctor. Could go all the way for the online DNP and then REALLY trick patients into thinking they're being seen by a physician.

This is actually an interesting avenue with the potential for use/abuse depending on your perspective --

Get an MD (reputable or otherwise) but no MD/DO residency. Then get an online DNP. Then practice as a DNP (in states where permitted) using your DNP credentials but also calling yourself an MD. Sounds sleazy but legal.

 

[Brahnold Bloodaxe]

This is actually an interesting avenue with the potential for use/abuse depending on your perspective --

Get an MD (reputable or otherwise) but no MD/DO residency. Then get an online DNP. Then practice as a DNP (in states where permitted) using your DNP credentials but also calling yourself an MD. Sounds sleazy but legal.

Can you get an online DNP without any previous nursing degrees/background? I doubt it, but if so, then that would actually be a valid approach to take for graduating med students in the future depending on how the healthcare environment looks like at that point.

 

[DrfluffyMD]

This is actually an interesting avenue with the potential for use/abuse depending on your perspective --

Get an MD (reputable or otherwise) but no MD/DO residency. Then get an online DNP. Then practice as a DNP (in states where permitted) using your DNP credentials but also calling yourself an MD. Sounds sleazy but legal.

Not legal. Cannot use MD in a setting where potential to mislead patients exist.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

They were from top undergrad institution from which I got a BS and have a research publication. I know one of the letter writers is deceased, though.

The pursuit of old, confidential letters is fruitless.
They probably no longer exist. If they do exist, they would not be released to OP.
If they were released, they would be of no value.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

why the picture? really....

I didn't even realize that this form of discrimination existed

 

[slowlybutshelly]

Unfortunately my story was painful and real and involved discrimination on an education, out of state level. Disciplinary status was unequal for all students involved and the sons and daughters of doctors involved were not disciplined'. I am not pursuing legal action NOW. I did at the time and it was thrown out and I have CPTSD as a result of the experience. I am not throwing in the towel. I am recovering and forever will be. IF anyone wants to see my story in print, you can send me an email and i will send it to you. I suppressed it forever and am curious to know what others would have done.

This can't be a real story...

 

[slowlybutshelly]

One of my mentors who wrote my initial letter of recommendation also suggested the NP route after I told him my story. He, like many, thought I should adapt my path and do nurse anesthesiology. I believe right now that I have one open door, through the State of Georgia to relicense. I am working on finding a school to sponsor me. I just saw the 20/20 show about Otto Warmbier in North Korea; I do believe that I can get into a medical school outside pyong yang. I experienced entrapment at a top school; people saying I am sorry we met under these circumstances. Instead of celebrating a newborn baby "isnt it great to meet under these circumstances'? My ears had to hear so many terrible words come out of humans mouths in the school I matriculated to that it brings me to tears. Back then, the rule book of etiquette and politeness was thrown out the window in my situation;way before this past election.

Can you get an online DNP without any previous nursing degrees/background? I doubt it, but if so, then that would actually be a valid approach to take for graduating med students in the future depending on how the healthcare environment looks like at that point.

 

[deleted765155]

I just saw the 20/20 show about Otto Warmbier in North Korea; I do believe that I can get into a medical school outside pyong yang. I experienced entrapment at a top school; people saying I am sorry we met under these circumstances. Instead of celebrating a newborn baby "isnt it great to meet under these circumstances'? My ears had to hear so many terrible words come out of humans mouths in the school I matriculated to that it brings me to tears. Back then, the rule book of etiquette and politeness was thrown out the window in my situation;way before this past election.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

Thank you. I did not come here to 'get validated for this'. My father keeps telling me 'you know who you are' even after all the memories about a terrible situation. I will not have my parents much longer to provide the unconditional love that an institution could not. But it is painful to watch peers become chiefs of radiology and give their best to countries overseas, whilst I was set back seemingly forever. Like in the book of Job; where everything was taken from him and he had to figure out how to survive. The old saying 'if you get pushed, you can either push back (which i never do) flee, or get a lawyer. I fled for a year, then i got a lawyer. But not a day goes by when I do not regress, blame myself, shame myself because others shamed me, etc.

If I decide this thread is too painful, how do I delete it?

I am sorry....

 

[slowlybutshelly]

If you would like to call me unstable, I would invite you to please PMme. The most I am guilty of is utter FEAR after narcissistic entrapment in an adult learning environment. Which I believe I am trying my best to recover from. What I went through was real, true, and yes..some people rebound better than me. But to say 'obvious instability' when all I am trying to do is gather all my resources from as far back as I can to supplement my applications if need be.

 

[jcorpsmanMD]

I'm curious, if you've wanted this so badly why are you trying again after 24 years? Not just one decade, but two. What have you been doing all these years? I mean, you weren't pursuing medicine, at least not MD. I'm honestly baffled. I have no idea what this "top 10" institution did to you but dang - has it really taken you this long to recover from the emotional turmoil and has the fog finally cleared? Now you want to be a doctor again? This can't be healthy, please move on for your own sake.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I'm curious, if you've wanted this so badly why are you trying again after 24 years? Not just one decade, but two. What have you been doing all these years? I mean, you weren't pursuing medicine, at least not MD. I'm honestly baffled. I have no idea what this "top 10" institution did to you but dang - has it really taken you this long to recover from the emotional turmoil and has the fog finally cleared? Now you want to be a doctor again? This can't be healthy, please move on for your own sake.

Well I haven't been doing what I wanted to be doing which is pursuing loving stable home family environment and having children. I did go to Ross; and was 7 weeks from graduation when Katrina happened and I came back home. I stopped myself out of finishing because of one thing after another in la; constant state of emergency. Katrina, Rita, Gustavo, floods of a century. I am in depth psychology counseling right now trying to figure out 'what I deserve'. I think deep down it's issues of 'do I deserve this after all I have been through'? Fear, uncertainty. Feeling like the same thing will happen again.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I'm curious, if you've wanted this so badly why are you trying again after 24 years? Not just one decade, but two. What have you been doing all these years? I mean, you weren't pursuing medicine, at least not MD. I'm honestly baffled. I have no idea what this "top 10" institution did to you but dang - has it really taken you this long to recover from the emotional turmoil and has the fog finally cleared? Now you want to be a doctor again? This can't be healthy, please move on for your own sake.

It looks like you send your messages through tapatalk where I can upload an attachment. I am tempted to upload my 'situation'. But would rather ask you to send your email to me by Pm. Because I have uploaded the situation to this forum before and decided to take it down.

I think my prior school was halfway between shoving it under the rug or trying to protect me; still confused about it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[slowlybutshelly]

well, my health and looks are much younger than my 50 yrs for sure.
1. I cant take out loans to do anything else.
2. I am a true scientist at heart.
3. Hope? I come from a family of ClusterA and B disorders plus generations of poverty. Acadians getting kicked out nova scotia...and I feel an allegiance to use my education to help one of the most vulnerable and outcast populations; poverty and mental illness.

I'm curious, if you've wanted this so badly why are you trying again after 24 years? Not just one decade, but two. What have you been doing all these years? I mean, you weren't pursuing medicine, at least not MD. I'm honestly baffled. I have no idea what this "top 10" institution did to you but dang - has it really taken you this long to recover from the emotional turmoil and has the fog finally cleared? Now you want to be a doctor again? This can't be healthy, please move on for your own sake.

 

[W19]

If you want to dictate the trajectory of every single thread here, become a moderator.... answering to post #22

 

[username456789]

As much as I'm enjoying this train wreck of a thread, I almost feel bad gawking at what is clearly a public internet breakdown/manic episode.

You are overplaying your "victim" hand and seemingly have been doing so for over two decades. You may have been dealt some bad hands, but the way in which you've responded has demonstrated pretty clearly that you lack what it takes to succeed in this venue.

I wish you luck and health in life, but you are only hurting yourself more with this self delusion.

 

[Redpancreas]

As much as I'm enjoying this train wreck of a thread, I almost feel bad gawking at what is clearly a public internet breakdown/manic episode.

You are overplaying your "victim" hand and seemingly have been doing so for over two decades. You may have been dealt some bad hands, but the way in which you've responded has demonstrated pretty clearly that you lack what it takes to succeed in this venue.

I wish you luck and health in life, but you are only hurting yourself more with this self delusion.

Or OP is just a troll...

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

Or OP is just a troll...

No way. They've been consistently posting the same story for nearly a decade, and at one point posted legal documents supporting the saga.

They are unfortunately just delusional and show up when they are on a manic upswing hammer posting. Like someone said above it makes me sad.

 

[DrfluffyMD]

No way. They've been consistently posting the same story for nearly a decade, and at one point posted legal documents supporting the saga.

They are unfortunately just delusional and show up when they are on a manic upswing hammer posting. Like someone said above it makes me sad.

Sounds like she have a lot of issues, including relationship ones. It's a very regretable.

 

[Redpancreas]

No way. They've been consistently posting the same story for nearly a decade, and at one point posted legal documents supporting the saga.

They are unfortunately just delusional and show up when they are on a manic upswing hammer posting. Like someone said above it makes me sad.

Wow. OP, please take care of yourself. It's not worth it 🙁

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I never posted legal documents. I posted written descriptions of original scenarios; petitions. Upon advice, I removed them. I have been in a quagmire for many years with Step1 expiring and trying to find permissions to retake. "this story' is part of my journey. How relevant it is to application process is what I am trying to figure out. The original school this happened at did such a good job of sliding it under the rug that no residency program will even know I ecperienced this (because 'the situation' is not required to be explained by ERAS). SO put yourself in my shoes please. I have a situation that has greatly impacted my life, financially and emotionally; and the 'system' wants it to be invisible and me never to mention it again?

I never had institutional infractions before encountering this scenario. and I firmly believe I should not have been that institutions infraction.

No way. They've been consistently posting the same story for nearly a decade, and at one point posted legal documents supporting the saga.

They are unfortunately just delusional and show up when they are on a manic upswing hammer posting. Like someone said above it makes me sad.

.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I am not delusional. I know what delusions are. I currently have a family member who thinks the banking industry collapse is because of her and that I want to ruin her (and my families lives). I regret someone trying to diagnose me on the internet. I like to think SDN is better than social media.

I am just in a position of needing advice with regards to what documents support my application and what I do not need. I do not need judgement.

No way. They've been consistently posting the same story for nearly a decade, and at one point posted legal documents supporting the saga.

They are unfortunately just delusional and show up when they are on a manic upswing hammer posting. Like someone said above it makes me sad.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I understand that reactions to situations define where they go. When the incident happened, I was gaslighted with the words 'you must be very angry'. somehow they thought they admitted an angry person by nature. I am not. I simply cry at episodes of 'this cant be real' and when it happens to me. I cant believe i am crying over that state of humanity I find myself in. My original situation happened; no one but me was forced to apologize for anything. I realize now that happened in my family of origin and the way i handled it then was the i always handled it growing up. accepting blame for others issues. It is not me who 'handled this badly because of the way I reacted'; but a whole school and admin too. I am sure their is a lot of guilt on both sides.

MY FEAR is that the same thing will happen even if I match. to me being admitted to med school was like matching into a family; then having that family just pull out the rug under your feet. Thats almost as painful as having children and putting them up for adoption. The person has issues to work with forever. Instead of judging me, I am very thankful for the few kind words in this thread. someone suggested I am playing a victim card. That is not true. yes I was victimized. yes i am deeply hurt.

BUT I am still trying to salvage a life here. All I was asking about was genuinely trying to retrieve LOR from years ago. Trying to sort out what is relevant to the future is important.

For what its worth prior to this incident, I spent years living in a refugee camp in Africa; coming back from that reality to the 'institutional infraction' world of medicine is not kind. But there is a parallel; trying to survive in a culture one is not familiar with.

As much as I'm enjoying this train wreck of a thread, I almost feel bad gawking at what is clearly a public internet breakdown/manic episode.

You are overplaying your "victim" hand and seemingly have been doing so for over two decades. You may have been dealt some bad hands, but the way in which you've responded has demonstrated pretty clearly that you lack what it takes to succeed in this venue.

I wish you luck and health in life, but you are only hurting yourself more with this self delusion.[/QUOTE

 

[slowlybutshelly]

I do not see post "s? am I missing something?

You are overplaying your "victim" hand and seemingly have been doing so for over two decades.

I am extremely aware that I have been given more second chances and the benefit of more good will than most would have encountered trying to 'survive my situation'. BUT with all due respect, complex PTSD is REAl. Trying to correct one's life after seemingly good roads turned into ambushes is not an easy experience by any means. I am not overplaying any hand. I am trying to normalize a life that was severely deviated such that normal milestones (for me and my family) were unacheivable. I always prided myself on having good coping mechanisms; but my coping skillz are not so great anymore.

 

[mhagerman]

At the request of OP, I removed the upsetting Michael Jackson popcorn gif.

OP, some unsolicited advice: don't be surprised when you give many details about your personal situation and internet strangers comment on them. This is a message board and as such one has to be reasonable about their expectations. My recommendation is to seek honest to God professional assistance and stop posting in this thread.

I do not see post "s? am I missing something?

You are overplaying your "victim" hand and seemingly have been doing so for over two decades.

I am extremely aware that I have been given more second chances and the benefit of more good will than most would have encountered trying to 'survive my situation'. BUT with all due respect, complex PTSD is REAl. Trying to correct one's life after seemingly good roads turned into ambushes is not an easy experience by any means. I am not overplaying any hand. I am trying to normalize a life that was severely deviated such that normal milestones (for me and my family) were unacheivable. I always prided myself on having good coping mechanisms; but my coping skillz are not so great anymore.

 

[W19]

Is this thread f.... real?

Weren't you asking mod to delete this thread OP?

 

[iBS1972]

OP, I give you my deepest sympathies. I have no helpful/better advice than what has already been offered.
I also apologize on behalf of those who have said things that are less than understanding or empathetic, and even scathing. I have nothing against them, as many of them have offered great advice over other threads. Perhaps their words stem from having to read your situation repetitively, and frustration from minimal improvement in situation on your end.
Again, I am sorry that you are in such a situation. I hope that things do work out for you, and know that despite the many harsh criticisms in this forum, there are many of us who wish you the best.