You don't have to be super eloquent, it makes you sound less sincere and down to earth. get out your laptop and type your feelings about your experiences and what you learned, then go from there. People don't want to read a treatise on philosophy, they want to get to know you
There are dedicated personal statement readers on one of the threads in the pre-med section
Pretentious and obscenely flowery. I don't often read personal statements so I'm no authority, but I absolutely detest the way you phrase virtually everything in the first few paragraphs. Couldn't make it past that point.
edit: Oh it went away... well that's probably for the best