Red flag to get inspired by a doctor's experimental treatment, ask about electrolytes?

[Prometheus123]

OP: Does this contain red flags?

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[Med Ed]

“Why do you know that?” she asked.

What an odd question.

 

[hamstergang]

Are the sentences in bold red flags?

You obviously don't understand what everyone has been telling you in all your prior threads that address this same topic. Even if you get this forum to get your PS better, I have no doubt that you'll bring all this up again in your interview. Is there really a point in having all these threads still?

 

[BtmoreRavens18]

I think you keep circulating back to the same points. I am not an Adcom, so again, please take this with a grain of salt.

Everything you keep trying to fit into your PS makes the statement "look at me, I know so much about medicine". 1. That is not the point of the PS, it is about who you are and your motivations for medicine. Knowing about electrolytes does not address either of those 2. You are not yet in medical school, I don't believe anyone expects you to demonstrate specific medical knowledge yet. They want to know whether you understand what life of a physician is, not symptoms of Parkinsons.

I wouldn't call these specific things 'red flags' like you keep saying, it is more a repeated lack of focus on your personal statement. Again, I am not in medicine, but I do have good relationships with some of the Adcoms for our PhD committee, I think they would be rolling their eyes at the places where you try to demonstrate how much you already know about everything.

For a minute, try to detach yourself and read your own PS and ask the question "Does this make me sound like I am trying to demonstrate my scientific/medical knowledge?" If it does, get rid of it and see whats left. I expect you will end up with a story about finding yourself, being upset by inequalities in healthcare and a passion to care for other. This will be much better.

EDIT: I also just wanted to add, I find it very hard to believe she asked 'How do you know that?" 1. You were just asking about electrolytes, 90% of the US has seen a commercial for a sports drink... 2. It does not seem like a natural thing to ask in that conversation. As a result, like a lot of your little stories, it comes off as forced and as if you are going out of your way to tell the Adcom how much you know about everything.

 

[longhaul3]

These threads are getting more and more bizarre. For starters, I would advise that no personal statement should include the word "glutathione."

You could have known about electrolytes from watching a Gatorade commercial. Give it a rest—you learn medicine in medical school.

Edit: And if you've been doing so much research on your own and have such a passion, why did you think physicians were miraculous healers? That is high drama.

 

[UncertaintyPrinciple]

OP, I suggest reading some of the sticky threads with Personal Statement guides. Also, here is an article from the AAMC with 7 tips for writing your personal statement: Your Pathway to the White Coat: 7 Tips for Writing Your AMCAS® Personal Comments Essay. Pay special attention to Tip #3 - "Show don't tell".

Right now, you seem to be simply listing your medical experiences in paragraph form, rather than answering the prompt (as many others have pointed out).

After reading your personal statement, an adcom should easily be able to finish the sentence: "Prometheus123 wants to be a doctor, because ___________________." Think of this sentence as your thesis. Every anecdote that follows should be used to show why you want to be a doctor. After every paragraph that you write, ask yourself if you have answered this question.

Remember, Adcoms have to read a ton of these personal statements! Make their job simpler for them by making your personal statement easy to follow and by answering the question!

 

[jqueb29]

Not red flags for any reason other than that it's really poorly written. It's extremely hard to follow what point exactly you are trying to make. You want your PS to flow smoothly, and not be anything the reader has to hack through with a machete.

 

[Toutie]

You PS should be written in YOUR voice. In your words. Words that you would typically use when speaking to someone.

How would you explain why you want to be a doctor to your best friend? Your classmate? Your cousin? Someone you met at Starbucks? What words would you use in those situations to explain why you wanted to be a doctor? Those words would be your voice.

Now, if the words you are using your PS are the way you speak in real life...the way you would explain something to someone on the street...then by all means go ahead and use those words. Only you know what your voice is.

 

[Prometheus123]

Not red flags for any reason other than that it's really poorly written. It's extremely hard to follow what point exactly you are trying to make. You want your PS to flow smoothly, and not be anything the reader has to hack through with a machete.

I think you keep circulating back to the same points. I am not an Adcom, so again, please take this with a grain of salt.

Everything you keep trying to fit into your PS makes the statement "look at me, I know so much about medicine". 1. That is not the point of the PS, it is about who you are and your motivations for medicine. Knowing about electrolytes does not address either of those 2. You are not yet in medical school, I don't believe anyone expects you to demonstrate specific medical knowledge yet. They want to know whether you understand what life of a physician is, not symptoms of Parkinsons.

I wouldn't call these specific things 'red flags' like you keep saying, it is more a repeated lack of focus on your personal statement. Again, I am not in medicine, but I do have good relationships with some of the Adcoms for our PhD committee, I think they would be rolling their eyes at the places where you try to demonstrate how much you already know about everything.

For a minute, try to detach yourself and read your own PS and ask the question "Does this make me sound like I am trying to demonstrate my scientific/medical knowledge?" If it does, get rid of it and see whats left. I expect you will end up with a story about finding yourself, being upset by inequalities in healthcare and a passion to care for other. This will be much better.

EDIT: I also just wanted to add, I find it very hard to believe she asked 'How do you know that?" 1. You were just asking about electrolytes, 90% of the US has seen a commercial for a sports drink... 2. It does not seem like a natural thing to ask in that conversation. As a result, like a lot of your little stories, it comes off as forced and as if you are going out of your way to tell the Adcom how much you know about everything.

The truth is that she was surprised by the fact that I knew what I knew about psychiatry and neurology at the time, and she asked me if I had ever considered medicine. I don't honestly remember the exact details I said that gave her that impression, but I vaguely remember her mentioning a delirious patient and electrolytes would be the logical first question I would ask about that. I was trying to fill in the details to show, not tell, but I see now that advice does not apply to this sentence.

What an odd question.

Yes, I wrote it like that to save space. I'm one character under the limit.

I'm not sure what the bolded tells your reader besides "I'm really smart/knowledgeable," which doesn't really answer the "why medicine" question if this is for your PS. It does tell the reader about you a little, but in my opinion the way you've written it comes off as bragging/cocky.

Also, I know this isn't what you asked for, but I'm also having trouble following the "story" from one sentence to the next - I feel like you're making three different and incohesive points in as many sentences.

Yes, I agree, the flow is still choppy in this paragraph.

You obviously don't understand what everyone has been telling you in all your prior threads that address this same topic. Even if you get this forum to get your PS better, I have no doubt that you'll bring all this up again in your interview. Is there really a point in having all these threads still?

I think so. I'll prepare for the interview too once I get through this.

These threads are getting more and more bizarre. For starters, I would advise that no personal statement should include the word "glutathione."

You could have known about electrolytes from watching a Gatorade commercial. Give it a rest—you learn medicine in medical school.

Edit: And if you've been doing so much research on your own and have such a passion, why did you think physicians were miraculous healers? That is high drama.

I will remove the electrolytes and make that sentence more general and vague. About the glutathione, the point of that isn't that I knew what it is--I didn't know what it was at the time. I thought physicians were miraculous healers at the time because this paragraph is from the first part of the PS, which takes place long before I started reading the scientific literature and watching USMLE videos. The point is that thanks to my relative's careful observations of my grandfather, we could tell that the treatment was slowing the progression of his disease and subtly but significantly reducing his symptoms. A doctor did that, and I found it inspiring because we loved my grandfather and it was exciting. Then he died after some years anyway, and I realized it's more complicated than I thought. Isn't that a great point to make? It's just the jumping off point for the essay.

 

[hamstergang]

I think so. I'll prepare for the interview too once I get through this.

Despite what you may think, you are clearly not learning anything from your multiple threads on the same topic. You have not shown any ability to apply the information provided to you any more generally than in the very concrete and specific scenario in which it is brought up.

 

[Prometheus123]

Despite what you may think, you are clearly not learning anything from your multiple threads on the same topic. You have not shown any ability to apply the information provided to you any more generally than in the very concrete and specific scenario in which it is brought up.

98% of the PS does apply that advice. I start threads about the exceptions to that rule, the few sentences that still don't match the quality of the rest. I wish I were better at generalizing advice on this topic too. I'm fun, affectionate and compassionate, but I'm also a very cerebral person, so it's hard for me to keep straight when I'm supposed to be showing not telling with concrete details and when I'm supposed to speak in vague generalities and avoid ever revealing what I know.

Does that mean the new version is acceptable?

 

[BtmoreRavens18]

98% of the PS does apply that advice. I start threads about the exceptions to that rule, the few sentences that still don't match the quality of the rest. I wish I were better at generalizing advice on this topic too. I'm fun, affectionate and compassionate, but I'm also a very cerebral person, so it's hard for me to keep straight when I'm supposed to be showing not telling with concrete details and when I'm supposed to speak in vague generalities and avoid ever revealing what I know.

Does that mean the new version is acceptable?

I think what @hamstergang is trying to point out is that you keep trying to fit in these little stories to demonstrate how much you know despite everyone saying not too. If 98% of your PS answers the questions "why medicine?" then STOP WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD!! Do not try to add any more anecdotes to demonstrate your scientific knowledge.

From going back and forth with you on here I believe you are an intelligent and passionate person, but you will not have the advantage of a discussion when they read your PS. You are not going to have the opportunity to justify why you included something - they have more than enough qualified applicants so they will dismiss you if your PS doesn't clearly demonstrate your passion for medicine. The way you present these little stories just comes across as a desperate attempt to impress the Adcom and they add nothing of value. It doesn't matter one way or another what you know about electrolytes - in no way does it address your passion for medicine.

Focus on why this interaction on your first date with your wife inspired you to pursue medicine, NOT how you impressed her with your knowledge of neuroscience/psychiatry/electrolyes/parkinsons.

 

[Prometheus123]

I think what @hamstergang is trying to point out is that you keep trying to fit in these little stories to demonstrate how much you know despite everyone saying not too. If 98% of your PS answers the questions "why medicine?" then STOP WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD!! Do not try to add any more anecdotes to demonstrate your scientific knowledge.

From going back and forth with you on here I believe you are an intelligent and passionate person, but you will not have the advantage of a discussion when they read your PS. You are not going to have the opportunity to justify why you included something - they have more than enough qualified applicants so they will dismiss you if your PS doesn't clearly demonstrate your passion for medicine. The way you present these little stories just comes across as a desperate attempt to impress the Adcom and they add nothing of value. It doesn't matter one way or another what you know about electrolytes - in no way does it address your passion for medicine.

Focus on why this interaction on your first date with your wife inspired you to pursue medicine, NOT how you impressed her with your knowledge of neuroscience/psychiatry/electrolyes/parkinsons.

Yes, the fact that I won't get the benefit of a discussion when they read the PS is exactly what I'm having those discussions before submitting it on SDN. I am trying to stop while I'm ahead. I see how it comes across that way. I've mentioned it because based on the structure I've used, I have to transition somehow from meeting her to my past story leading up to that moment, then back again to her advice that changes my perspective. It's a somewhat awkward temporal double-jump, and it seems to work well enough, but I need a transition that makes sense.

 

[jm192]

I have to second others.

A physician asking " why do you know that" sounds like an attempt to make yourself sound impressive.

 

[Prometheus123]

I have to second others.

A physician asking " why do you know that" sounds like an attempt to make yourself sound impressive.

For sure, that makes sense. I'm struggling to come up with a better transition that doesn't sound that way. Unfortunately I've sort of backed myself into a corner on this point with the structure of my PS. It starts as a date, then it goes back in time and tells the story of how I got there, then we go back to the date for a big reveal leading to personal growth. This paragraph does the job of taking us back in time, but I agree, it's highly problematic. Does this vague version still come across that way?


Also, do you feel that way about the glutathione story? I thought that was good because it's not what I know, it's what a doctor did that inspired me. But maybe it still gives the impression because I'm the one writing it in my PS?

 

[BtmoreRavens18]

The glutathione story is a little different because it is the doctor who did the 'knowing' and you who was 'inspired'

 

[BtmoreRavens18]

I also think part of the problem is the self-aggrandizing way you tell a lot of these stories. I think if you toned down the drama a bit, they may make you sound less like a know it all. A good example of this is the diarrhea anecdote. This was painfully puffed up in the earlier versions and is much better now that you have toned it down.

 

[jm192]

I wouldn't talk about Glutathione. Or electrolytes.

My grandfather had an unusual condition for which he got experimental treatments and I was able to relate to a patient because of it.

 

[Prometheus123]

The glutathione story is a little different because it is the doctor who did the 'knowing' and you who was 'inspired'

Ok. Which do you like better?

 

[Prometheus123]

I wouldn't talk about Glutathione. Or electrolytes.

My grandfather had an unusual condition for which he got experimental treatments and I was able to relate to a patient because of it.

I'm going to try to rework it without the glutathione. This discussion has made me realize that the only reason this is in there is to establish the structure, so I'll try to find the simplest, barest-bones way of saying this without any details at all just so the structure works.

 

[BtmoreRavens18]

version 1

 

[cke11]

I haven't followed a lot of your threads, but one thing I think should be brought up is a lot of people are saying "show, don't tell" and you are responding with the fact that you are attempting to show, not tell, which makes sense. I think it should be clearly stated that when someone says "show, don't tell" you want the reader to imagine the scene themselves. If this was a creative writing assignment you wouldn't write: "John was out of shape." Instead you would say, "His heavy breathing mirrored his steps as he seemingly dragged himself up the stairs. Blossoms of sweat formed above his brow, and every few moments he would stop to gather himself...." You want to provide the reader with small details or images that allow them to formulate their own view. Does that make sense? With this anecdote it seems like it's a lot of telling.

 

[Toutie]

If this was a creative writing assignment you wouldn't write: "John was out of shape." Instead you would say, "His heavy breathing mirrored his steps as he seemingly dragged himself up the stairs. Blossoms of sweat formed above his brow, and every few moments he would stop to gather himself...." You want to provide the reader with small details or images that allow them to formulate their own view.

A PS is NOT a creative writing assignment. Your example is exactly what he should NOT try to do!

 

[cke11]

A PS is NOT a creative writing assignment. Your example is exactly what he should NOT try to do!

I understand, just trying to provide an example of how to show, not tell

 

[Goro]

You are rapidly approaching the point where I think that you are unteachable.

Dump both of these examples because all you're trying to do, or rather what is coming across is trying to show off what you know, but none of the why.

Ok. Which do you like better?

Version 1: Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. She asked me why I was so interested. I explained that I was inspired to take an interest in these topics by a doctor who used experimental glutathione injections to slow the progression of my grandfather's Parkinson’s. My naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was called into question, however, when his condition eventually deteriorated....

Version 2: Intrigued, I asked her more. When she told me about a delirious patient they had to sedate, she was surprised by how interested I was in the subject for a layperson. I explained that my grandfather suffered from Parkinson’s and depression. In an attempt to understand my grandfather’s conditions, I read books about neuropsychiatry, created a portrait of the brain with regional functions labeled, and kept up-to-date on what his doctors were trying. However, my naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was challenged when it became clear that he was deteriorating despite the best efforts of his care team.

 

[Prometheus123]

version 1

Got it, thank you. I'll do that but without the word glutathione, just "experimental treatments".

A PS is NOT a creative writing assignment. Your example is exactly what he should NOT try to do!

I understand, just trying to provide an example of how to show, not tell

It's interesting how this ubiquitous and seemingly-simple advice can be interpreted in so many different ways when you look too closely at it. It's a fine line I've done my best to walk in my PS. I do include certain vivid sensory details and images in one transformative story, but not a lot.

 

[Med Ed]

I understand, just trying to provide an example of how to show, not tell

That's not what show vs. tell means. Showing means providing compelling examples to substantiate whatever it is you are trying to assert.

Tell: "I am a generous person."
Show: "I have spent years volunteering at the homeless shelter, soup kitchen, collecting for holiday toy drives, and donating hair to the children's hospital."

 

[Prometheus123]

I wouldn't talk about Glutathione. Or electrolytes.

My grandfather had an unusual condition for which he got experimental treatments and I was able to relate to a patient because of it.

You are rapidly approaching the point where I think that you are unteachable.

Dump both of these examples because all you're trying to do, or rather what is coming across is trying to show off what you know, but none of the why.

I'm dumping all the details that could be construed that way. But I need something like this as a transition to make the temporal structure of the essay work, to take us back in time from the date to my history leading up to it, my initial immature interest, the challenge, and back to the date for a revelation leading to transformative personal growth. The why is not in these sentences, but it comes right after them. What about:

"Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. She asked me why I was so interested. I explained that I was inspired to take an interest in these topics by a doctor who used experimental treatments to slow the progression of my grandfather's Parkinson’s. My naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was called into question, however, when his condition eventually deteriorated. Challenged by this realistic understanding..."

 

[longhaul3]

I will remove the electrolytes and make that sentence more general and vague. About the glutathione, the point of that isn't that I knew what it is--I didn't know what it was at the time. I thought physicians were miraculous healers at the time because this paragraph is from the first part of the PS, which takes place long before I started reading the scientific literature and watching USMLE videos. The point is that thanks to my relative's careful observations of my grandfather, we could tell that the treatment was slowing the progression of his disease and subtly but significantly reducing his symptoms. A doctor did that, and I found it inspiring because we loved my grandfather and it was exciting. Then he died after some years anyway, and I realized it's more complicated than I thought. Isn't that a great point to make? It's just the jumping off point for the essay.

It's a fine point to make, but the way you put it is so dramatic. I'm saying it's just not relevant that the experimental treatment was glutathione, or that it's even relevant to mention the specific conditions that your grandfather had. "My grandfather had a chronic degenerative disease, and through witnessing his care I learned x, y, z about doctoring. Even thought he eventually passed away, his doctors' compassion stood out the most when they did a, b, c."

I wouldn't talk about Glutathione. Or electrolytes.

My grandfather had an unusual condition for which he got experimental treatments and I was able to relate to a patient because of it.

Exactly.

 

[Prometheus123]

It's a fine point to make, but the way you put it is so dramatic. I'm saying it's just not relevant that the experimental treatment was glutathione, or that it's even relevant to mention the specific conditions that your grandfather had. "My grandfather had a chronic degenerative disease, and through witnessing his care I learned x, y, z about doctoring. Even thought he eventually passed away, his doctors' compassion stood out the most when they did a, b, c."


Exactly.

All specifics have been removed except for the Parkinson's, which it didn't occur to me was a gratuitous detail until you pointed it out. I will take a look at generalizing that to "a degenerative disease" like you said.

I didn't actually shadow this doctor, I just heard about it and saw the results as interpreted by my family, so it can't follow that typical structure. However, the bulk of the essay is concrete stories about compassion.

 

[Sand&Stars]

Jumping into the middle of this conversation a bit, but I see you're posting a lot of questions about your PS and I'm wondering if you might benefit from some PS books like I did! They offer quite a few sample essays and critiques of the good and bad parts of them. They helped me a lot with proper structure and phrasing as well. I would be happy to let you know the books I used and found most useful if you're interested!

 

[Prometheus123]

Jumping into the middle of this conversation a bit, but I see you're posting a lot of questions about your PS and I'm wondering if you might benefit from some PS books like I did! They offer quite a few sample essays and critiques of the good and bad parts of them. They helped me a lot with proper structure and phrasing as well. I would be happy to let you know the books I used and found most useful if you're interested!

That would be lovely, but to be honest, my in-laws are flying in tomorrow, so this thing is getting submitted by tomorrow morning, warts and all. I have read several resources like that, and I did benefit from it a lot.

 

[Sand&Stars]

That would be lovely, but to be honest, my in-laws are flying in tomorrow, so this thing is getting submitted by tomorrow morning, warts and all. I have read several resources like that, and I did benefit from it a lot.

I wish you the best of luck! While I would caution against submitting any part of your app with "warts" it's your call and we're all rooting for you either way!

 

[Prometheus123]

I wish you the best of luck! While I would caution against submitting any part of your app with "warts" it's your call and we're all rooting for you either way!

Yes, thus the last-minute attempts to remove any remaining ones before the deadline. Thank you.

To clarify, I won't stop working on it until literally the last minute available to me, and I still welcome and will do my best to make use of any and all feedback. I just don't really have enough time to read books about PSs, which I've already done and would probably not be an optimal allocation of my time right now.

 

[boogiecousins94]

Ok. Which do you like better?
Version 2: Intrigued, I asked her more. When she told me about a delirious patient they had to sedate, she was surprised by how interested I was in the subject for a layperson. I explained that my grandfather suffered from Parkinson’s and depression. In an attempt to understand my grandfather’s conditions, I read books about neuropsychiatry, created a portrait of the brain with regional functions labeled, and kept up-to-date on what his doctors were trying. However, my naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was challenged when it became clear that he was deteriorating despite the best efforts of his care team.

You really don't need this, its just trying to show an adcom what you know. You're not an artist, you don't need to call it a "portrait". You literally could replace the whole sentence with "I researched topics associated with the condition" etc.

 

[Prometheus123]

You really don't need this, its just trying to show an adcom what you know. You're not an artist, you don't need to call it a "portrait". You literally could replace the whole sentence with "I researched topics associated with the condition" etc.

Makes sense, I deleted it. The word "research" is problematic, so I used "learn". That's what I thought, but my wife was insisting I keep it in. Thanks for the reassurance. Here's the current version. Nice and innocuous, no?

"Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. She asked me why I was so interested. I explained that I was inspired to learn about these topics by a doctor who used experimental treatments to slow the progression of my grandfather's Parkinson’s. My naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was called into question, however, when his condition eventually deteriorated. Challenged by this realistic understanding..."

 

[bbbcccppp]

Hello. Not really following your ps threads A minor technical point of information however. Experimental treatment in the context of a sanctioned New medication being tested on Humans is part of science and part of medicine. Off label medication use is when a medicine is approved for a certain illness but may have broad or narrow usage in the community for other illnesses. Experimentally treating a patient otherwise may imply making non scientific or semi scientific potentially dangerous attempts to treat a person. Like I said I didn't go through all of these threads but you don't want to be a proponent of arbitrary experimentation. You may have addressed this already. Also not commenting on the quality of your PS. looks like a firestorm is under way.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Prometheus123]

Hello. Not really following your ps threads A minor technical point of information however. Experimental treatment in the context of a sanctioned New medication being tested on Humans is part of science and part of medicine. Off label medication use is when a medicine is approved for a certain illness but may have broad or narrow usage in the community for other illnesses. Experimentally treating a patient otherwise may imply making non scientific or semi scientific potentially dangerous attempts to treat a person. Like I said I didn't go through all of these threads but you don't want to be a proponent of arbitrary experimentation. You may have addressed this already. Also not commenting on the quality of your PS. looks like a firestorm is under way.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Any thoughts of if how I could clarify this/if I should?

I'm not up to date on the current state of the evidence for glutathione in Parkinson's, but I know people have been doing clinical trials on it. I would say it was a somewhat evidence-based but ultimately unproven treatment. I don't know if GSH is FDA approved for any indication.

From my perspective, the firestorms and failures are just opportunities for improvement in disguise.

 

[The Broccoli Industry]

If you want to brag and demonstrate your scientific knowledge and intellect then get a 4.0 sGPA and 524 MCAT.

The personal statement isn't the time to demonstrate intellectual ability, it should be an opportunity to show adcoms what kind of person you are.

Adcoms will assess your intellectual vitality not based off of big words you plug into your personal statement you found on the internet, but on your sGPA and MCAT.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Prometheus123]

If you want to brag and demonstrate your scientific knowledge and intellect then get a 4.0 sGPA and 524 MCAT.

The personal statement isn't the time to demonstrate intellectual ability, it should be an opportunity to show adcoms what kind of person you are.

Adcoms will assess your intellectual vitality not based off of big words you plug into your personal statement you found on the internet, but on your sGPA and MCAT.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

I've done my best to do that. I never got to 524, but I did get to 519 (97th percentile). Not exactly sure what my sGPA is yet tbh, inputting courses into AMCAS right now. All the fancy words have been burnished away, I think.

 

[Prometheus123]

If you want to brag and demonstrate your scientific knowledge and intellect then get a 4.0 sGPA and 524 MCAT.

The personal statement isn't the time to demonstrate intellectual ability, it should be an opportunity to show adcoms what kind of person you are.

Adcoms will assess your intellectual vitality not based off of big words you plug into your personal statement you found on the internet, but on your sGPA and MCAT.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

By the way, as strange as my persistence may seem, this is the exact mentality I applied to get to the 97th percentile on the MCAT. I don't expect perfection, but I'm aiming to surface above the 94th percentile on the PS too, because with your help, I can.

 

[bbbcccppp]

If you PM your current version to me I will give you my opinion. Hard to dissect it out in a thread


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[bbbcccppp]

My quick read through these is that a reader will want more Personal and less Statement. How old were you maybe some details about your gf or his illness. I agree don't use the word glutathione. I know every reader gets their own feel. This reads a little too technical for me In some parts
. "An experimental medication " sounds better to me than "experimental treatments"


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Prometheus123]

You're still missing something here - there's no transition from asking a doctor about her patients to developing a more realistic view of what physicians can do. It kind of smacks you in the face (in a bad way) when you get to that part. And honestly, you could probably say "I explained that I became interested in learning more about these topics while helping my grandfather manage his Parkinson's disease" or something much more simple.

I hear it. I think the temporal structure might be unclear because I tried to squish it too much to save characters. What about this?:

If you PM your current version to me I will give you my opinion. Hard to dissect it out in a thread

Thank you! Sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner, my family's in town so we were visiting with them. In case you have time tomorrow, I will PM it to you now. Would love your input.

 

[cactusman]

I think you wrote "later" instead of "earlier" in that last version.

 

[monty55]

I hear it. I think the temporal structure might be unclear because I tried to squish it too much to save characters. What about this?:

Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. She asked me why I was so interested. I explained that I had been inspired to learn about these topics by a doctor who used an experimental medication to slow the progression of my grandfather's Parkinson’s. I went onto tell her that years later, my naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer had been called into question when his condition got dramatically worse. Challenged by this realistic understanding, I [did X Y and Z].



Thank you! Sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner, my family's in town so we were visiting with them. In case you have time tomorrow, I will PM it to you now. Would love your input.

Just my two cents but I think if you took out the line "She asked me why I was so interested." and modified the following sentence it would read a lot better. I think it would take away from the vibe of trying too hard to impress and also flow much better. So it would instead be something like: Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. I was inspired to learn more about these topics by a doctor who used an experimental medication....

 

[Prometheus123]

Still not in love with it, but this is much better than the original.

That's been my reaction to almost every change I've ever made to this thing.

 

[Prometheus123]

Still not in love with it, but this is much better than the original.

Here. Is this it? Is the referene to the Dylan Thomas poem in my signature too much?

Is "behavioral sciences" the best term? That's what it's called on USMLE Step 1, right? Or maybe neuropsychiatry is clearer?

 

[cactusman]

Here. Is this it? Is the referene to the Dylan Thomas poem in my signature too much?

Is "behavioral sciences" the best term? That's what it's called on USMLE Step 1, right? Or maybe neuropsychiatry is clearer?

"Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. I told her how I had been inspired to learn about the behavioral sciences by a doctor who used an experimental medication to slow the progression of my grandfather's Parkinson’s. I went onto tell her that years later, my naïve view of the physician as a miraculous healer was called into question when his condition got precipitously worse. I felt rage against the dying of his light. Challenged by this realistic understanding, I took time off halfway through college to grieve and to explore more deeply what career I was most passionate about making a contribution to."

The literary reference conveys nothing you couldn't say in your own words and just does not sound good. I would not add that.

 

[Prometheus123]

The literary reference conveys nothing you couldn't say in your own words and just does not sound good. I would not add that.

Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you. What about this in bold, nice and simple?: