Relationship Help Please

[fulltilt]

hi, thanks for reading this post. i am going to be starting medical school and my girlfriend just finished her first year. we are at different schools but not too far away. we have been dating for many years. she had a hard time during first year and she has been trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. she goes out drinking every night with different friends. i have been spending time with family and traveling a little bit before school starts. recently she told me that she had kissed one of the guys that she used to study with two nights in a row. both times she was drunk.

this guy is totally not her style of person. she has been confused about our relationship for some time, especially since the demands of medical school have been pretty severe.

i am not sure what to do. she will not break up with me, but i feel like she did this so that i would break up with her. i care for her a lot, but recently she has been making me feel very bad, putting little priority on our relationship. in the past she didn't have many friends and i would always encourage her to be more social and outgoing. now that she had made some close friends in medical school i think she feels like our relationship is consuming too much of her.

i have left out a lot of details, and this post is not well thought out. but i would apprecaite any insights any of you may have. i have not been able to talk to anyone about this and i have become a little depressed of late. i appreciate your thoughtfulness.

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[Law2Doc]

hi, thanks for reading this post. i am going to be starting medical school and my girlfriend just finished her first year. we are at different schools but not too far away. we have been dating for many years. she had a hard time during first year and she has been trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. she goes out drinking every night with different friends. i have been spending time with family and traveling a little bit before school starts. recently she told me that she had kissed one of the guys that she used to study with two nights in a row. both times she was drunk.

this guy is totally not her style of person. she has been confused about our relationship for some time, especially since the demands of medical school have been pretty severe.

i am not sure what to do. she will not break up with me, but i feel like she did this so that i would break up with her. i care for her a lot, but recently she has been making me feel very bad, putting little priority on our relationship. in the past she didn't have many friends and i would always encourage her to be more social and outgoing. now that she had made some close friends in medical school i think she feels like our relationship is consuming too much of her.

i have left out a lot of details, and this post is not well thought out. but i would apprecaite any insights any of you may have. i have not been able to talk to anyone about this and i have become a little depressed of late. i appreciate your thoughtfulness.

If your girlfriend is repeatedly getting drunk and making out with another guy, you really don't need us to tell you that the relationship is not going well. And you didn't say it but, if she is going out "one on one" with this guy and getting drunk and kissing him, she is on a date, not just "out drinking with friends". Regardless, claiming drunkness is just a cop-out (it usually doesn't make you do things you don't want to do -- just lowers inhibitions to do things you do want), and while I can see forgiving this once ... not twice. Unless you have some reason to believe she is changing her ways, I would start looking around elsewhere.

 

[trishias]

ditto what law2doc said. If she was committed to you she wouldn't have kissed him. If it was the other way around she would be pissed and break up with u. No point in staying in a relationship where the other person isnt putting in their 50%. If she doesn't, drop her.

 

[tlew12778]

Maybe a short break is in order... maybe she feels the need to live the single life for a while... that sucks for you, but it's better than her deciding that in 10 years time with 2 kids in tow.

If you don't want to go that route, then what about couple's counseling?

Although it really just seems to me that she wants some freedom but it feeling too guilty to ask for it straight out.

 

[LADoc00]

Your tale is somewhat pathetic, although sadly I can sympathize. Do yourself a favor and kick her to curb now. Women like that never change and the more you are cowed into submission, the more she will take advantage of you. If you do end up making the epic mistake of marrying her, Im sure it will just be a matter time before she winds up sleeping with some guy in bar and leaves you stuck paying for the kids of random men.

20%-The percentage of children in stable western marriages that when tested are not the biological offspring of the husband....

 

[Law2Doc]

20%-The percentage of children in stable western marriages that when tested are not the biological offspring of the husband....

I agree with the rest of your post, but this statistic seems suspect. I must point out that the vast majority of people who have their kids' paternity tested are those that have reason to question it, with only a very small minority needing to do so for "legitimate" innocuous reasons such as organ transplant/blood transfusion matters. (I suspect that a big chunk of your 20% are not from this latter minority group.) If one has reason to question a child's paternity for non-medical reasons, then I would argue that that couple might not have a "stable western marriage"; and in such cases it's actually a wonder that the percentage is only 20%...

 

[LADoc00]

I agree with the rest of your post, but this statistic seems suspect. I must point out that the vast majority of people who have their kids' paternity tested are those that have reason to question it, with only a very small minority needing to do so for "legitimate" innocuous reasons such as organ transplant/blood transfusion matters. (I suspect that a big chunk of your 20% are not from this latter minority group.) If one has reason to question a child's paternity for non-medical reasons, then I would argue that that couple might not have a "stable western marriage"; and in such cases it's actually a wonder that the percentage is only 20%...

If you look at the data from only those cases where there is suspicion of infidelity, the number is far higher, closer to 40%. 15-20% if often quoted in the blood banking/tranfusion med literature (my background) where there is no suspicion. When I was confronted with my first patient, a 25 year old pregnant female needing in utero transfusion, I realized her husband could not have been the father. Due to HIPAA confidentiality, I could not tell him OR her this result and merely had to advise a random blood donor (the husband was essentially not suitable).

Soooo, the point is you are guaranteed to never meet a women you can 100% trust with having your best intentions at heart and proper planning is needed for self-protection. I would advise off shore bank accounts, a second passport and hiring your own psychologist to perform a psych evaluation disguised as "premarriage counseling" (to weed out potential axis IIs).

 

[Febrifuge]

< i am not sure what to do. she will not break up with me, but i feel like she did this so that i would break up with her. i care for her a lot, but recently she has been making me feel very bad, putting little priority on our relationship. >

Let me just review: she has been with you for 'many years,' but this is the first time this has happened. It happened recently, in the summer. It happened with a guy she 'used to' study with, i.e., a guy from her MSI class.

Assuming all that is correct... tell her she should be ashamed of herself.

Not for just kissing the guy; if that were a one-time deal it may or may not be a problem. Twice is different. But shame didn't keep her from repeating, so let's not pile it on now. Rather, she should be ashamed for her sideways passive-aggressive attitude toward you. She dumped this on your lap now... why?

Sorry this happened, but she seems more than just a little confused and messed up right now, and she is NOT allowing for the kind of handling of this situation the way it should be , in a good partnership that the parties want to preserve and continue.

Tell her you're going to have to have some serious and uncomfortable talks, like right now. You might consider calling in a professional counselor to help you guys with ground rules and structure to the talk. If she's not willing to do that, then tell her you're not going to breaking up with her -- she already broke up with you, and she is going to have to take responsibility for it.

 

[Mr. Adventure]

I must say that she was the best study partner I've ever had

But seriously I kid...she sounds like a wonderful girl...for me to poop on!

 

[Law2Doc]

I must say that she was the best study partner I've ever had

You too? Boy, she gets around!

 

[DieselPetrolGrl]

as a girl let me the 10th person on this thread to say:
she is NOT acting like a lady by treating you this way.
tell her firmly your insulted and believe that you deserve better - if your relationship is strong she will try to understand your POV and realize the error of her ways (if they were errors in her mind)
your going to be in for a rough time too and you should be strong and respect yourself - you dont deserve this either!

 

[67192]

hi, thanks for reading this post. i am going to be starting medical school and my girlfriend just finished her first year. we are at different schools but not too far away. we have been dating for many years. she had a hard time during first year and she has been trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. she goes out drinking every night with different friends. i have been spending time with family and traveling a little bit before school starts. recently she told me that she had kissed one of the guys that she used to study with two nights in a row. both times she was drunk.

this guy is totally not her style of person. she has been confused about our relationship for some time, especially since the demands of medical school have been pretty severe.

i am not sure what to do. she will not break up with me, but i feel like she did this so that i would break up with her. i care for her a lot, but recently she has been making me feel very bad, putting little priority on our relationship. in the past she didn't have many friends and i would always encourage her to be more social and outgoing. now that she had made some close friends in medical school i think she feels like our relationship is consuming too much of her.

i have left out a lot of details, and this post is not well thought out. but i would apprecaite any insights any of you may have. i have not been able to talk to anyone about this and i have become a little depressed of late. i appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Hmm... Since she actually admitted to you that she kissed the guy (you didn't catch her), she may feel guilty about it and just be going through a rough period in her life. If so, maybe you should recommend going on a break so she can figure things out for herself and who knows, maybe she'll come running back to you (although then it's up to you whether or not you take her back)...

I only say this b/c i have a close friend who also is in a long-term relationship and she went through something similiar to what you're going through and after her bf took 6 months to figure his life out he realized what he had lost with her...

Good luck though, I'm really sorry and I know how you feel!!