Relationships and Depression

[DrCandyBarr]

I have dated many men, in fact, I have never had a problem attracting men wherever I live. But the moment most men find out that I've had a history of depression or am a bit "sensitive" when I have PMS, a large number of them tend to back out . Nearly all of them except one, who I'll call Ryan, for the sake of anonymity, have not exactly been sympathetic or understanding.

Ryan understands me because he's had a history of depression as well and is currently being treated for it. We dated for about a year about 5 years ago but when I had this "nervous breakdown" because of a series of bad events that occured in my life, he broke up with me and told me he needed time to think about our relationship. Ryan didn't contact me in the months that ensued. It took me about 6 months to get over him. Just when I thought I was over him, he suddenly popped back into the picture and wanted to get back together but I politely declined his offer.

Long story short - I moved away for three years and have recently returned to my hometown. I recently met an interesting fellow called Jack who as far as I know, has not had depression. Jack doesn't know that I have struggled with depression in my past. I am stable now so I don't feel a need to tell him.

Chance brought Ryan and I together again when I bumped into him a few days ago in the downtown area of this city. We talked for a good while and it seems like he is pretty happy now and his depression has been stabilized by his medications. He is still interested in getting back together. As a matter of fact, he's been quite persistent. I feel tempted to go back into his arms.

My question is, should I get back together with Ryan ? Should I continue dating Jack ? Should I date both? Does a woman with a history of depression have a chance at having a stable relationship with a man who has no depressive illness or can she only date a man who has had depression as well and can commiserate with her condition ?

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[YOYO230]

I have dated many men, in fact, I have never had a problem attracting men wherever I live. But the moment most men find out that I've had a history of depression or am a bit "sensitive" when I have PMS, a large number of them tend to back out . Nearly all of them except one, who I'll call Ryan, for the sake of anonymity, have not exactly been sympathetic or understanding.

Ryan understands me because he's had a history of depression as well and is currently being treated for it. We dated for about a year about 5 years ago but when I had this "nervous breakdown" because of a series of bad events that occured in my life, he broke up with me and told me he needed time to think about our relationship. Ryan didn't contact me in the months that ensued. It took me about 6 months to get over him. Just when I thought I was over him, he suddenly popped back into the picture and wanted to get back together but I politely declined his offer.

Long story short - I moved away for three years and have recently returned to my hometown. I recently met an interesting fellow called Jack who as far as I know, has not had depression. Jack doesn't know that I have struggled with depression in my past. I am stable now so I don't feel a need to tell him.

Chance brought Ryan and I together again when I bumped into him a few days ago in the downtown area of this city. We talked for a good while and it seems like he is pretty happy now and his depression has been stabilized by his medications. He is still interested in getting back together. As a matter of fact, he's been quite persistent. I feel tempted to go back into his arms.




Well first of all let me say that I'm sorry all the men you have dated can't seem to deal with someone who suffers from depression.

I might not be the right person to respond to this type of situation b/c I have been in a relationship for over 6 years (since I was 15) and I've never really been on the "dating" scene.
My question is, should I get back together with Ryan ? Should I continue dating Jack ? Should I date both? Does a woman with a history of depression have a chance at having a stable relationship with a man who has no depressive illness or can she only date a man who has had depression as well and can commiserate with her condition ?

But to answer your questions...did Ryan treat you well? Were you happy with him? If you feel like you might have something with Jack then why go back to Ryan...unless that's what you want! How do the two make you feel...who are you most comfortable with? Who do you think you could have a future with (if that's what you want). I believe that a women with depression CAN date someone who doesn't suffer from the same thing...only if that person is understanding and willing to help you get through the illness.

I hope this helps a little...good luck to you!

 

[MJB]

am a bit "sensitive" when I have PMS

Ya lost me right there.

My only other suggestion...don't let Depression define you. It seems you might be doing that.

 

[Do.the.DO]

Just be forewarned that this may not be the most gentle, but it will be honest.

Guy #1 has already bailed on you during a time of intense emotional instability. Yeah, that doesn't really scream "I'm a caring partner", in my book. Regardless of the fact that he wants you back. There are LOTS of guys out there who may not want to be with you, but SURE as hell don't want to see you with anyone else, either. That tends to become what I refer to as the Human Yo-Yo Syndrome.

And as for your budding relationship with Guy #2, you need to be honest with him. There's a reason guys "back off" when they find out a woman has, as you so gently put it, "sensitivities". They don't know if those sensitivies manifest themselves in a bit of moodiness/angst/lethargy or if it's full-blown bunny boiling. You can't really blame them for getting spooked if they see you being intentionally vague about what could be a very serious health situation. That would scare the crap out of me, too.

I can see why you'd be skittish about revealing your innermost issues with someone, but when beginning a possible long-term relationship, at some point you've got to put your major cards on the table. For you, the biggest one is your history of depression and your breakdown. If you're not willing to be completely honest with Guy #2, it's not a relationship worth seeking.

And, ferchrissakes, DON'T go where you already know it doesn't work with Guy #1. Exes are exes for a reason. "..but, it's different this time..." No, it isn't. It's NEVER different "this time".

 

[DrCandyBarr]

Just be forewarned that this may not be the most gentle, but it will be honest.

Guy #1 has already bailed on you during a time of intense emotional instability. Yeah, that doesn't really scream "I'm a caring partner", in my book. Regardless of the fact that he wants you back. There are LOTS of guys out there who may not want to be with you, but SURE as hell don't want to see you with anyone else, either. That tends to become what I refer to as the Human Yo-Yo Syndrome.

And as for your budding relationship with Guy #2, you need to be honest with him. There's a reason guys "back off" when they find out a woman has, as you so gently put it, "sensitivities". They don't know if those sensitivies manifest themselves in a bit of moodiness/angst/lethargy or if it's full-blown bunny boiling. You can't really blame them for getting spooked if they see you being intentionally vague about what could be a very serious health situation. That would scare the crap out of me, too.

I can see why you'd be skittish about revealing your innermost issues with someone, but when beginning a possible long-term relationship, at some point you've got to put your major cards on the table. For you, the biggest one is your history of depression and your breakdown. If you're not willing to be completely honest with Guy #2, it's not a relationship worth seeking.

And, ferchrissakes, DON'T go where you already know it doesn't work with Guy #1. Exes are exes for a reason. "..but, it's different this time..." No, it isn't. It's NEVER different "this time".

Thanks, for your intelligent reply.

I definitely agree that Ryan (guy # 1) has the "Human Yo-Yo Syndrome" . As soon as he knows that I am dating someone else, he seems to get more interested in me. This has happened several times. He's not the only one who has done that with me. It seems like a lot of men are more interested in me when they know I am "taken".

Guys usually freak out when I tell them that I attempted suicide when I was 18 years old. My parents found me unconscious after I overdosed on sleeping pills . The EMS had to pump the drugs out of my stomach and I was subsequently hospitalized for a few weeks. I never made another attempt. That was about 8 years ago.

I just cry a lot when I am "sensitive"- not always, but sometimes when I have PMS.

At what point is it a good time to tell Jack (guy # 2) about my illness? We've been dating for 4 months.

 

[Do.the.DO]

I just cry a lot when I am "sensitive"- not always, but sometimes when I have PMS.

At what point is it a good time to tell Jack (guy # 2) about my illness? We've been dating for 4 months.

I don't think the crying thing is that big of a deal. Some people are more prone to it than others. My mom still cries everytime she sees a freakin' long distance phone commercial. I, on the other hand, probably don't cry often enough. So when I eventually do cry, it's a giant mascara smearing fiasco. Usually brought on by something tiny and stupid. (My poor husband!)

I think we all get a bit emotional when were in either high stress environments or high hormone times. Just prepare Guy #2 for the situation. If he's worth having a relationship with, he'll roll with the punches.

If you've been dating Guy #2 for 4 months, I think he's probably seen some of your more emotionally needy times already. If not, it's not a bad time to begin talking about it. Not that I'd blurt it out or anything. But talking about it sooner rather than later will make your life easier. You won't feel like you're keeping something from him. Just work it into those long getting-to-know-each-other talks.

Everyone talks about their own personal history. This is just part of yours. Even though your history doesn't define you, it is part of what makes you the person you are today. If you had to go through some rough spots to be the classy gal you are today, so be it. It helped to shape the nifty person you've become.

Oh, and on a side note: I think all women have dated some dingleberry who only wanted us after they found out we were with someone else. I think it's a guy thing. The whole "grass-is-always-greener-hey-I-wanted-that-give-it-back" thing is SUCH a pain in the a$$.

 

[DrCandyBarr]

I don't think the crying thing is that big of a deal. Some people are more prone to it than others. My mom still cries everytime she sees a freakin' long distance phone commercial. I, on the other hand, probably don't cry often enough. So when I eventually do cry, it's a giant mascara smearing fiasco. Usually brought on by something tiny and stupid. (My poor husband!)

I think we all get a bit emotional when were in either high stress environments or high hormone times. Just prepare Guy #2 for the situation. If he's worth having a relationship with, he'll roll with the punches.

If you've been dating Guy #2 for 4 months, I think he's probably seen some of your more emotionally needy times already. If not, it's not a bad time to begin talking about it. Not that I'd blurt it out or anything. But talking about it sooner rather than later will make your life easier. You won't feel like you're keeping something from him. Just work it into those long getting-to-know-each-other talks.

Everyone talks about their own personal history. This is just part of yours. Even though your history doesn't define you, it is part of what makes you the person you are today. If you had to go through some rough spots to be the classy gal you are today, so be it. It helped to shape the nifty person you've become.

Oh, and on a side note: I think all women have dated some dingleberry who only wanted us after they found out we were with someone else. I think it's a guy thing. The whole "grass-is-always-greener-hey-I-wanted-that-give-it-back" thing is SUCH a pain in the a$$.

Thanks for your good advice. You should start your own "Dear Ann Landers" or "Dear Abby" column.

I'm ditching Ryan (guy # 1) because I don't like men who have the "Yo-Yo Syndrome". Jack (guy # 2) really respects me and listens to me. It's hard to believe he's for real ! I am too afraid to ruin a good thing now. I'll wait a little longer. I need more time.

I must admit that part of my insecurity is related to the fact that other men have been rather insensitive towards me. I also feel a little nervous since Jack has been planning this romantic get away this summer. I think he may want to "pop the question"

 

[trustwomen]

I must admit that part of my insecurity is related to the fact that other men have been rather insensitive towards me. I also feel a little nervous since Jack has been planning this romantic get away this summer. I think he may want to "pop the question"

You've been dating four months and you're not sure you are ready to spill all your deep dark, yet you are thinking about marriage?

Slow down girlfriend... at the very least make it a really really long engagement.... Sounds like a great relationship, changing it so dramatically before giving it a chance to "grow into it" can be a bad idea....

Just my .02$.

 

[LADoc00]

I have dated many men, in fact, I have never had a problem attracting men wherever I live. But the moment most men find out that I've had a history of depression or am a bit "sensitive" when I have PMS, a large number of them tend to back out . Nearly all of them except one, who I'll call Ryan, for the sake of anonymity, have not exactly been sympathetic or understanding.

Ryan understands me because he's had a history of depression as well and is currently being treated for it. We dated for about a year about 5 years ago but when I had this "nervous breakdown" because of a series of bad events that occured in my life, he broke up with me and told me he needed time to think about our relationship. Ryan didn't contact me in the months that ensued. It took me about 6 months to get over him. Just when I thought I was over him, he suddenly popped back into the picture and wanted to get back together but I politely declined his offer.

Long story short - I moved away for three years and have recently returned to my hometown. I recently met an interesting fellow called Jack who as far as I know, has not had depression. Jack doesn't know that I have struggled with depression in my past. I am stable now so I don't feel a need to tell him.

Chance brought Ryan and I together again when I bumped into him a few days ago in the downtown area of this city. We talked for a good while and it seems like he is pretty happy now and his depression has been stabilized by his medications. He is still interested in getting back together. As a matter of fact, he's been quite persistent. I feel tempted to go back into his arms.

My question is, should I get back together with Ryan ? Should I continue dating Jack ? Should I date both? Does a woman with a history of depression have a chance at having a stable relationship with a man who has no depressive illness or can she only date a man who has had depression as well and can commiserate with her condition ?

Hmmm, lets makes some assumptions:
1.) Genetics has a large contribution in mental disease and in fact is inheritable(Annu Rev Psychol. 2006;57:117-37.)
2.) Whatever genetics issues you have, Ryan may also have these, putting your offspring at increased risk for homozygosity.
3.) Jack is unlikely to have these, so at worst he is a heterozygote for what we will call the "crazy person" gene.
4.) Your condition is incurable and it is unlikely to matter who you date, because you will be depressed anyway. Which, in and of itself, is depressing to think about.
5.) I would be depressed just thinking that every single application for medical staff, society membership and state as well as federal licensure requires disclosure of mental health issues, which can lead to your disqualification. I dont know if you are an MD or DDS or ???, but I hope you considered this.

Good luck, the bright side is the guy issue may very well be a minor concern.

PS- I noticed all the responses appear to be from women, so let me give you the sane guy perspective, there will never be a good time to tell someone you are meds/was or is suicidal, period. I have and will bolt mid sentence (!) if someone I was dating disclosed that. Your best bet maybe to tell people that fairly quickly (maybe not on first date tho) and decide between those who havent bolted out the door. Pickings maybe a tad slimmer by then. I dunno, with all this media press about depressed moms chopping off their babies arms and drowning them and such, I would be scared crapless you might go Hannibal Lector on me.

 

[MJB]

Is the depression in your past or not? If it is, leave it there. If it's not, get it figured out.

I wish you luck.

 

[FDoRoML]

I definitely agree that Ryan is not a good idea. It's easy to fall back on "old habits" because it seems like less work once you've got a lot of the "dating" worked out, but don't go there unless you are madly in love with him and can't see yourself with anyone else, EVER! I have seen relationships that 'took a break to figure things' out get back together eventually, but the ones that seem to be the 'final breakup' in bad times never do well during the revisit. Plus, really, with a history of depression for you, and one for him... kids?? I'd avoid it.

I agree somewhat with the boy perspective of "tell them but don't make it a big deal" but I don't necessarily agree with getting it out of the way early. While it gives them a good excuse to leave quickly if they can't handle it, it might be wiser to get a relationship going so that he knows the REAL (current) you and then tell him. Most guys won't have a problem leaving at that point either (they don't tend towards staying in a relationship because of comfort or convenience as much as women do), and it seems like a more informed decision for both of you.

Also, if you tell them right up front (within the first month of dating), it also seems like it's a big deal and a big part ofyour life. If you no longer suffer from depression, then I don't think you should let it define you like that. I'd run like hell, too, if some chick made it a point before we really got to know each other well to share something so intimate and private. You'd tend to think they were still flakey if it was that important to them.

It's a good thing to discuss if you plan to get married to the guy. If the relationship has gotten that serious, it is important to share things like that since it will possibly become a factor in your future relationship or in your kids. You still don't need to make a big deal out of it if you haven't had major problems lately (PMS is not a big deal and is treatable, and teenage depression and suicide attempts are more common b/c of the neurochemical changes going on-- most teens outgrow those issues).

If, after 4 months of dating (unless you are long distance), he hasn't seen your PMS crying episodes, then I'd say your PMS is really not so bad. So, warning him about it might be moot.

Anyway, I personally had a physical illness (still do, I guess, since there's no cure, but it's 100% controlled now) that completely changed the course of my life through teens and early adulthood. My husband and I have been friends since I was 14, so he saw me go through a lot of it (although I didn't share a lot of details early on). When we discussed long-term relationship things, marriage, etc, I made it very clear that I most likely could not have children and we'd have to adopt if/when the time is right. I think if I had blurted it out to any old boyfriend along the way in the first few dates, they'd just think it was still a major problem and avoid me like the plague (who wants to deal with chicks that have problems which would effect either the physical or emotional aspects of a relationship when there are so many out there who don't?).

Anyway, good luck. The only kind of instability in women that my male friends would be happy about is the girls who have self-esteem problems and are a little too, er, giving of themselves. And then, only to date and never to marry!

 

[DrCandyBarr]

You've been dating four months and you're not sure you are ready to spill all your deep dark, yet you are thinking about marriage?

Slow down girlfriend... at the very least make it a really really long engagement.... Sounds like a great relationship, changing it so dramatically before giving it a chance to "grow into it" can be a bad idea....

Just my .02$.

We finally had "the talk" tonight. He's such a sweetheart. He told me that he knew the moment he met me that I was a bit sensitive, but in a good way. He said it won't change his feelings for me. If anything, now he says he feels more protective of me.

When your boyfriend wants to introduce you to his family, I think it is "serious", don't you ? There will be a big family gathering tomorrow for Easter Sunday and he wants to show me off