S#%* doctors say

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This is from a 3rd year resident's (in internal medicine) blog that I follow. Its not really that funny, but its more of a "face palm" type of thing. There are other funny ones. If you like them, I can paste the good ones periodically, or just give you the link to the blog. Anyway:
"AMAZING QUOTE THAT IS VERY LONG"

Imma need a link. Pls and thanx.

I hope she got fired, honestly, that's un-remediatable level of incompetence.
 

Yep. That's it. Thanks for posting it.

I've been following him since the week before he started his residency. Ironically, THIS week he is finishing his residency. Its crazy how these 3 years flew right by. I hope he continues blogging through his fellowship year(s).

I know many of the funny ones over the years, and I can continue pasting a few here for those who like.

Not all of his posts are funny though (jokes don't happen EVERY day in his line of work) and some of them can be pretty depressing actually (like how it is so difficult to deal with the constant misery in the ICU, etc...)

I'll post a few that really stuck in my head over the years: This is from July 2010

"I can't find a good vein."

"Oh, use that one," says the patient.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it's the one I use when I'm shooting up."

And, sure enough, it works.

"Hey, maybe you ought to just let me put in the IV myself-- I'm better at it."

"No, that's okay."

"No, really, I'm happy to do it."

"No, but thanks."

"Anytime."

----------------------------------------
A nurse casually drops by the call room:

"Doctor, just wanted to let you know-- [the patient]'s blood pressure is 60 over 40."

"What???????????????????"

"Yeah, it's been like that for a while."

"What???????????????????" as I get up and RUN down the hall.

"Yeah, I've marked it in the chart every hour."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?"

"I wasn't sure it was accurate."

[Looking at the chart]

"You checked it eleven times, and it went from 80s to 70s to 60s... what made you think eleven readings weren't accurate?"

"It didn't seem like it should be that low."

"YES, EXACTLY, THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING!"

"Oh, okay. Next time."

"Yeah. Next time."
------------------------------------------------------------------ Lol

Top ten lies doctors tell.

1. "No, we ask everyone to get tested for chlamydia."
2. "This is very common."
3. "I'll call you tomorrow with the results."
4. "Your insurance will probably cover that."
5. "You look great."
6. "I remember that from the last time you were here."
7. "The lab must have screwed that up."
8. "I'll be back in five minutes."
9. "I don't have an e-mail address."
10. "I think you'll be OK."
-----------------------------------------------------
[conversations with a germophobic intern]


"Oh my god! Does this patient have HIV? His blood is on my shoe!"
"You know you're not going to get HIV from blood on your shoe, right?"
"I just want to be extra safe."
"Then why are you working in a hospital?"
* * *
"Oh no-- I think the patient's peritoneal fluid got on my scrubs--"
"Okay, so get new scrubs from the machine."
"But what if it makes me sick?"
"Are you licking your scrubs?"
* * *
"That patient touched my arm."
"So?"
"She might have something."
"Everybody has something. Calm yourself."
* * *
"I should wear gloves, right?"
"You're writing in a chart."
"Yeah, but the patient is filthy and contagious."
"But his chart isn't."
* * *
"Did you take the HIV prophylactic drugs?"
"No-- I haven't had a needle stick."
"But just in case you do."
"Do you understand how medicine works?"
* * *
"You think I'm going to get this guy's cold?"
"Probably."
"How do I avoid it?"
"Drop out of residency."
* * *
"You think our attending wears gloves, right?"
"I assume so."
"Because he just touched my pen."
"Please stop."
* * *
"I can't believe you're eating that bagel."
"I bought it downstairs."
"But it's been in the hospital air."
"So have we."
* * *
"Can [the other intern] and I switch patients?"
"Why?"
"My guy looks extra contagious."
"Can we pretend we didn't just have this conversation?"
* * *
"Do you know where I can get a paper mask?"
"Why do you need a mask?"
"I was going to use the bathroom."
"I have no words."

----------------------------------------------

And these two consecutive posts are by far the most memorable, because they really remind me of SDNers. I hope you guys enjoy!

The first post:

Thanks for all of the comments on Friday's post. Will come up with some posts based on them soon. In the meantime-- I need to figure out how to stop a medical student who's gone rogue. I go into a patient's room:

"...so we're thinking we're not going to be able to discharge you today like we planned."

"Oh, yes, Dr. Jones already told me."

"Dr. Jones?"

"Yes, the young-looking one. Dr. Jones."

"Oh, you mean Bill. The third-year medical student. He's not a doctor yet."

"He said to call him Dr. Jones. And he told me he thinks I have cancer."

"That's not necessarily correct. We're still running tests-- like we talked about yesterday. We don't know what's causing your symptoms. Cancer is certainly on the list of possibilities, but we have no reason to conclude that yet-- there are a lot of other things it could be."

"Dr. Jones said it was cancer."

"Dr. Jones is still a student. And let's call him Bill."

"Why would Dr. Jones tell me it was cancer?"

"I don't know why Bill would tell you it was cancer."

"Does he know something you don't?"

"No."

"Maybe he does."

"I promise you, he doesn't. We are still running tests. And he should not have been speculating as far as your diagnosis, because, honestly, we still don't know."

"He also said I should be on a liquid diet."

"That's not at all necessary."

"He said it would be better for my condition. Am I going to be okay?"

"You're on a normal diet. We may have you skip breakfast so we can run some tests in the morning, but tonight you'll have a normal dinner, tomorrow you'll have a normal lunch. There's nothing about the food that should be causing any alarm."

"It's not very good."

"I'm sorry that the food is not very good. I know, unfortunately, it's not very good. But from a medical standpoint, you are not on a restricted diet."

"So Dr. Jones--"

"Bill--"

"Bill was wrong?"

"Bill may have been misinformed. I'm going to take care of the miscommunication on our end, but I want you to know you can have me paged if you're told any information that seems new or confusing. I will keep you absolutely informed about what we find out. Bill is just a medical student. He's smart and absolutely means well, but he should not be the one giving you information."

"Dr. Jones also said I did this to myself from smoking."

"We don't even know what your diagnosis is, and whatever it is, what caused it is not our concern-- our concern is figuring out a treatment plan that's going to address it as best as we can."

"Dr. Jones said he would make sure I have the best nurse in the hospital assigned to my room."

"Our nurses are excellent, and unfortunately Bill does not have any control over which nurses are assigned to which room. But I will speak to your nurse and make sure he or she is fully informed as to what you may need, and what to keep an eye on."

"Dr. Jones also gave me his cell phone number in case I had any questions."

"I think it would be better if you gave me that slip of paper, and if you have any questions, ask the nurse to have me or whichever resident is on call paged. We can answer your questions, and are in a better position to do so than Bill."

"Okay. And you're an actual doctor, right?"

"Yes."

"Because Dr. Jones said some of the med students like to pretend they're doctors."

"Okay. I'm going to go have a talk with Dr. Jones. I'll come back and check on you a little later."

----------------------------------------- Second post:

Yesterday's post, continued.

"I don't want to confuse the patients."

"By calling yourself a doctor when you're not, you're confusing the patients."

"I'm wearing a white coat. They think I'm a doctor. I don't know what the big deal is."

"The big deal is that you're not a doctor. And you're not the person who they should think is in charge of their care. You're absolutely an important part of the team. But you're still learning."

"You know I'm smarter than [the intern]."

"You have a very high opinion of yourself. That can be good, but it can also be dangerous."

"I don't think I should have to apologize for knowing things. I feel like the surgeons told me this would be how it is in medicine. It's why I'm not going into medicine. In surgery they make decisions. They do things."

"It's important to do the right thing for the patient, to figure out the problem and not just jump to conclusions."

"I guess we just do things differently."

"And on my team, you need to do things my way. Which means not telling patients you're a doctor, and not trying to be in charge. I told you on the first day-- you can all get a good evaluation from me. I'm not judging you against each other. Medicine is not a competition."

"Another thing I like better about surgery."

"I don't think surgery is supposed to be a competition either."

"It is."

"Well, whatever it is over there, over here we need to work as a team. I don't want you seeing patients on your own anymore. Shadow [the intern] for a few days and she can assign you which notes to write. I don't want to have this conversation again. We have seven more days on this rotation, and I think we can get through them without any problems."

"I actually only have five more days."

"What?"

"I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I was going to tell you."

"We're scheduled to be on both days this weekend."

"Yeah, I'm not going to be here."

"Okay. You know what, that's fine."

"You want me to take on some extra responsibilities to make up for it?"

"Nope. It's fine."

"Great. Can I leave early today?"

"You can leave early every day."

"Awesome."

------------------------------------------------

Does that remind you guys of anyone? 😉
 
The sad part is, this happens ^.

Lol, of course! The guy's posts are legit, so there is no doubt that he is actually a resident.

I suppose you also have come across nonsense like this? As a med student, do you have any personal experiences (absurd ones - which are funny) that stick out? (His blog is roughly 50/50 serious + depressing/absurd + funny)
 
Haha, I liked the germophobic intern, he reminds me of myself (although I'm not as vocal about my annoying need for hygiene).
 
Me: "I don't feel comfortable putting in a Foley either, on zero hours of sleep, and having put in, uh, two Foleys myself in the past three years, since nurses are supposed to be able to do it. And I have six other patients to see. Is there another nurse you can ask?"
That's kind of sad. I helped put in a Foley about a week ago, and I put in Foleys probably once every month or two. I also put in the occasional NG when the nurses can't get it.

Me: "Okay, well, I need someone to do this. And you should learn how to do it, since you're going to have to do it."

Nurse: "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to know how to do. I just started working here."
Here was the point that he could have taught her. Surprisingly enough, there plenty of nurses with poor Foley technique. I've stopped a few from doing something that was really contaminated, and I once didn't stop one from doing something that looked like a bad idea because I thought she was experienced and knew what she was doing. She didn't.
 
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One of the **** doctors say that comes to mind was the anesthesiologist asking around the OR lounge "So if you guys had around a hundred grand in a savings account, where would you invest it?"
 
That's kind of sad. I helped put in a Foley about a week ago, and I put in Foleys probably once every month or two. I also put in the occasional NG when the nurses can't get it.


Here was the point that he could have taught her. Surprisingly enough, there plenty of nurses with poor Foley technique. I've stopped a few from doing something that was really contaminated, and I once didn't stop one from doing something that looked like a bad idea because I thought she was experienced and knew what she was doing. She didn't.

Thanks for your input!

Maybe it is "sad" or maybe it just depends on the hospital? Plus, you're a GS resident, he is an internal medicine resident. Do you think this would play a difference in the frequency and scope of procedures a resident does? (I'm talking about, general things such as a central line, or a NG, or Foley)
 
Lol, of course! The guy's posts are legit, so there is no doubt that he is actually a resident.

I suppose you also have come across nonsense like this? As a med student, do you have any personal experiences (absurd ones - which are funny) that stick out? (His blog is roughly 50/50 serious + depressing/absurd + funny)
I can't really think of anything to be honest. Not too many people have bothered me thus far/I must be lucky.
 
"all praise to sun god"

"life's a bitch and then you die"

something along the lines of "wait until you're 70 and i'll give you any drug you want"
 
Top ten lies doctors tell.

1. "No, we ask everyone to get tested for chlamydia."
2. "This is very common."
3. "I'll call you tomorrow with the results."
4. "Your insurance will probably cover that."
5. "You look great."
6. "I remember that from the last time you were here."
7. "The lab must have screwed that up."
8. "I'll be back in five minutes."
9. "I don't have an e-mail address."
10. "I think you'll be OK."
-----------------------------------------------------

With a little rewording, that top 10 could apply to almost any job that involves recognizing what's wrong and doing your best to fix it. Computer tech, mechanic, plumber-you name it and you could come up with basically the same thing after small adjustments for the specifics of the job. That said, that's probably what makes it so damn funny :laugh:
 
My mom has been working as an RN in the inner city county hospital for 25+ years and she could contribute quite a bit to this thread. This isn't necessarily something a doc said, but it's a good story nonetheless...

Person comes in that has been turned away multiple times because he's a known hospital shopper and clearly didn't need anything. Well, he wasn't too thrilled with that so he found a wheelchair (he was walking just fine before) and proceeded to meander around the hospital in the wheelchair yelling about how he needed to be seen. Everyone ignores him. So he finds the busiest hallway possible and "falls" out of his chair and sprawls speed-bump style across the hall. Instead of escorting him out, they decided to room him and see how they could get rid of him once and for all.

Once they see him, they ask what happened to him...

"I think I'm paralyzed."

"Oh, really? Why do you say that?"

"Well, I fell down eight flights of stairs."

":wtf: Eight? So you fell down one flight, rolled around the corner, and fell down the next one multiple times?"

"...yeah."

"OK. Well I'll come back and we'll do some tests. Basically, what we do is we stick a biiiiiiig loooong needle into various parts of your body to see what you can and cannot feel. It takes a while, but we generally can figure out what the problem is after that."

":wow:"

"I'll go get the doctor and we'll be back in about 10 minutes to figure this all out, OK? Sit tight."

Leaves room, comes back five minutes later to find and empty wheelchair and no guy. Didn't see him again for a while.
 
Thanks for your input!

Maybe it is "sad" or maybe it just depends on the hospital? Plus, you're a GS resident, he is an internal medicine resident. Do you think this would play a difference in the frequency and scope of procedures a resident does? (I'm talking about, general things such as a central line, or a NG, or Foley)
A little bit. It's easy to get experience with things like that in the OR when the patient is asleep, but you should get enough Foleys and NG tubes as a med student that you can do them as a resident - on an awake patient. I sometimes do these things because I think I can get it done faster (like placing a Foley in a trauma patient) or because the nurse has their hands full, or because they've already failed, like with an NG tube. As a surgery resident, I'm highly motivated to get the NG tube, because if the patient can't be decompressed, then we're probably going to have to operate on them (and these things tend to roll in late at night, when I'd prefer to get a few winks rather than open up some belly full of adhesions).
 
I don't think you understand what the word "troll" means.

I know what it means. It is possible I mislabeled him. Sometimes I forget how certain pre-meds can so naive to the workings of the world.
 
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I know what it means. It is possible I mislabeled him. Sometimes I forget how certain pre-meds can so naive to the workings of the world.

Oh ok I assume you don't know what a word means since you used it incorrectly and from that you've determined that I don't know the workings of the world, thanks Dr. Phil

images
 
Oh ok I assume you don't know what a word means since you used it incorrectly and from that you've determined that I don't know the workings of the world, thanks Dr. Phil

images

I wasn't saying that you don't know the workings of the world. I really have no idea if you do. I was referring to my initial comment to the person who complaining that not all doctors fall in top 1% of the incorrect income level he noted.

And since troll is a subjective word, I can pretty much use it how I please.
 
I noticed a T+ on a post-it in a kid's chart and asked what it meant.
Pediatrician: "T is for talkers. When the parents doesn't shut up, I put a T. If they talk too much, T+. That previous family - probably a T++... They just won't shut up."

Ortho Resident: So, what kind of specialty do you want to go into?
Me: At this current moment, I really want to go into neurosurgery, but I have 6 more years of school left to decide.
Resident: *laugh* Oh neurosurgery. To help you decide, we surgeons all start off as interns, hang out, and just have a fun time. PGY-2 rolls around and we split into our specialties. You can see the slow loss of their souls. Neurosurgeons just become boring, angry people and never hang out."
Me: Oh ...........

Urologist: This kid has phismosis. He essentially can't pull his foreskin back and when he pees, it balloons up.
*Five seconds later*
Look! Look! He's peeing now!!! Isn't that the coolest thing ever????
Kid's foreskin was literally filling up like a balloon with pee trickling out through the tiny hole after putting put under anesthesia.
 
62 year old patient brought in by EMS for illicit drug overdose:

Patient: I got some ecstasy off my grandson. I can't catch my breath, I'm hot, and I feel like my skin is crawling...my grandson said I was just tripping balls and I should calm down...

Attending (a little perturbed by the guys lack of responsibility): Tripping balls?!? You're 62 years old for crying out loud...more like tripping over your balls...you can't take ecstasy...!

Nurse (picking up jaw off of ground): Tox screen?

Attending (face in palm): Yes...Tox screen please...page social work....I need a moment...

Another one:

45 year old female with abdominal pain and profound weight loss for the past 60 days.

This woman had lived a rough life and it showed. Meth mouth, patchy hair, nearly a full mustache...we are talking rough.

Attending orders a abdominal CT and x ray kicks the order back because their is no hCG test and the woman is pre menopausal. Attending calls x ray on the phone:

Attending: Sorry I forgot the HCG. I'll tell you right now, if this lady is pregnant, I'll turn in my f'ing medical license right here!

(about 5 seconds of silence)

Attending: You'll see what I'm talking about in a minute...hCG order is in.
 
62 year old patient ...: I got some ecstasy off my grandson. I can't catch my breath, I'm hot, and I feel like my skin is crawling...my grandson said I was just tripping balls and I should calm down...

that is too good...
 
I have a meeting at 6:30pm with my boss to discuss a paper I'm working on. He walks in, holds up his iced coffee, points to it and says, "See this? 8 shots of espresso."
 
This is potentially just the dark humor of someone working in the ED, but I laughed pretty hard when I hear this. It also helps to imagine the speaker as a very short guy with a heavy chinese accent...

To the patient in for SOB who missed dialysis yesterday:
Nephrologist: You know why you here? You here because you did not go to dialysis
Patient: Well, I didn't go because I wasn't feeling well
Nephrologist: ........

To the patient in for "feeling sick" who hasn't been to dialysis for a month:
Nephrologist: You. You never go to dialysis. You know what? I am done with you. You will probably die soon {leaves}

______________________________________________________________

Heard this from a urologist....

IM Resident: Please consult on this patient. He has a foley catheter.
Uro: ? Ok....?
IM: We want you to evaluate it
{Uro goes to see pt - foley is draining well, no discomfort or issues with pt}
Uro note: "Foley looks very nice. Uro signing off"
 
I shadowed a urologist who liked to use the phrase, "Well, I'm off like a prom dress!" before heading home for the day.
 
I shadowed the county medical examiner for a while after I turned in my AMCAS. He and his team all had a very twisted sense of humor. My favorite quote of his was:

"Being a physician is a good deal. It's the one profession where you can be totally incompetent and still make a good living."
 
EM Doc: "Did you know that eating Church's Chicken can cause a positive urine test for cocaine?"

Me: "........"

EM Doc: "If you sprinkle cocaine on the chicken instead of salt."

Also

EM Doc writes on paper: "Cure: STOP EATING CHURCH'S CHICKEN. STOP DOING CRACK."

Interesting times in the ED.

--------------------------------------------------------

EM Doc who went to med school at 16: "I can read you in no more than 5 minutes."
Also: "Can you not stand so close next to me; you're too close, and I don't like you just standing there behind me. It feels like you're watching me."
 
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Found this on stumbleupon: http://rinkworks.com/said/patients.shtml

Just a list of stuff written on patients' charts. Here are some examples:

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"She is numb from her toes down."
 
Apparently doctors say this: http://www.cracked.com/article_16302_8-medical-terms-your-doctor-uses-to-insult-you.html

I've never really experienced it so i cant comment on its validity

I had a CBT moment when I was in for my exploded appendix. The doctor was explaining to the student nurse that they needed to pack the wound to help it heal due to my "subcutaneous adipose" and she got a nice deer-in-the-headlights, WTF does that mean look. I just laughed and said, "he means because I'm fat. I imagine he said it because most people would be insulted, but I know I could stand to lose some weight." Doctor looked chagrined, nurse looked like she was trying not to laugh. FWIW I talked to him about it during my post-release followups and I was about 250 then and down to 205 now, so I actually did take his advice 😉
 
Overheard from a resident in the MICU:

"the best way to honor a person after they pass is to eat the Haagen Das they left behind."

Also, the attending walks into the room and starts with "What's going on? You guys are killing a lot of people ."
 
After ordering a benzene levels test, MICU doc says he asked the patient why he's huffing gasoline.

Pt. : "I live in a small town, on a farm. There's nothing to do".
Dr. : "Well, why not go cow tipping?"
Pt. :"There are no cows on my farm."
...
 
I shadowed the county medical examiner for a while after I turned in my AMCAS. He and his team all had a very twisted sense of humor. My favorite quote of his was:

"Being a physician is a good deal. It's the one profession where you can be totally incompetent and still make a good living."

Ever taken a look at America's politicians? 😀
 
Apparently doctors say this: http://www.cracked.com/article_16302_8-medical-terms-your-doctor-uses-to-insult-you.html

I've never really experienced it so i cant comment on its validity
I've never used "cut & paste," but we say "peek and shriek" all the time. Someone comes in with mesenteric ischemia, and we take them to the OR, only to realize that there's way too much dead gut to salvage the situation. Takes about <1 minute to come to that conclusion most of the time, unless it's already perforated and you can't see anything until you clean it up.

Then you just sew them back up and give the family the bad news. Not a fun time...
 
.
 
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Black guy comes in with typical N/V/D...

Doc: Yeah, seems like you got some food poisoning.
Patient: Oh, that's not good.
Doc: Yeah, you must have got it from eating bad chicken.

:eyebrow:
 
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Black guy comes in with typical N/V/D...

Doc: Yeah, seems like you got some food poisoning.
Patient: Oh, that's not good.
Doc: Yeah, you must have got it from eating bad chicken.

:eyebrow:

lmao.

My favorite was when a group of ED docs were standing around discussing what painkiller they would abuse. The consensus was a Fentanyl patch b/c it the choice drug of abuse by anesthesiologists and they know their pain killers.
 
"you can't make chicken salad out of chicken ****".

one of the doctor's i work for got a consult on a patient in the hospital with a prolapsed bladder. he asked the nurse what the patient's name was and she said "idk, iva something". to which he replied, "iva prolapsed bladder"? hahah i still laugh thinking about this.
 
this was absolutely hilarious when it happened.

our athletic director at my university got fired last summer. i was shadowing an ortho surg at the university hospital who, at the time, was talking with another surgeon and a rep about the best way to use a new screw (his first time using it) in a rotator cuff repair. keep in mind that the main doc is scrubbed up as well as a resident. well i got a text about the firing and hollered it out in the OR. all 4 of them high fived each other and immediately, the two drs scrubbed up looked at each other, simply said "****" and walked out to rescrub.

*it was hilarious since it was a minor surgery and they were out of the room 2 minutes max and the other surgeon was there to monitor just in case while they left. *
 
Doctor to patient in surgery who is about to get an epidural from another doctor: "okay you're going to feel a prick..... and then you'll feel a small pinch."
 
Neurosurgeon: "Medicaid is bad.... medicaid is medic-AIDS. Only way I remember it."
 
one of those 'you had to be there moments': shadowing a pcp who had a patient referred to him by his pcp in another state. they graduated med school together. after assessment and 'srs patient business' then nonchalantly asks 'how's his man boobies? his chi chi's hanging low?' luls ensue.

while on emt clinicals in hospital: was at a non trauma receiving hospital and gunshot victim comes in. me, being naive, asks which squad brought him in. doctor doesn't miss a beat and affectionally refers to them as 'da homie ambulance'

different doctor talking to about his cases that night
md: 'hey emt azerkail how old are you?'
me: '22 sir'
md: 'are you single?'
me: 'unfortunately sir'
md: 'come here, i'd like you to meet someone'

brings me to assist with combative 23 year old female crack addict. spends the rest of the night teasing how excited i seemed. oi vey lol.
 
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