S#%* doctors say

[RomanTaylor]

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"The common cold will last about a week if treated. If untreated, approximately seven days." 😵

Oh...this says SO MUCH about the current state of medicine. Seriously laughed out loud on this one.

 

[Big N Tasty]

doctor to patient in surgery who is about to get an epidural from another doctor: "okay you're going to feel a prick..... And then you'll feel a small pinch."

Outstanding lol

👍

 

[BlueLabel]

An oncologist who I observed perform a number of bone marrow biopsies would say the following literally EVERY time as he was about to drill the needle into the patient's pelvis: "Okay, this is gonna feel weird..."
One day I asked him, "Doesn't it almost seem like an understatement to say it's just going to feel 'weird'??"
Him: "Well I have no idea what it actually feels like. Probably does feel weird"


Another (female) oncologist I met seemed to pride herself in her crudeness. "Have you seen that new study on FOLFIRINOX? Apparently now it's the bee's knees, mutt's nuts and all that"

On pop science/medicine: "Dr. Oz, don't make me barf"

Her, responding to another physicians enthusiastically positive evaluation for a mutual patient, "Well, I guess hope springs eternal"


One day while I was waiting by the nurse's station in a hospital, someone brought all the staff on that floor pizza. The nurses were in a tumult.
"Apparently we have pizza??"
"We have pizza!! We have pizza to go with my salad!!"
"Pizza makes everything better"
"We must be doing something right"

 

[La Presse]

Thank you for the laughs guys. 'ppreciate it.

I have nothing to share. All my shadowing is boring and very, very serious.

 

[Bangersandmash]

Shadowing a neurologist about to eat a banana.

Neurologist: "I really love bananas, but I hate the strings on them after I peel them."
Me: "Monkeys actually open them from the other end (the bottom end) and the strings usually come right off with the peel that way."
Neurologist: "That side is harder to peel open though."
Me: "They bite off the bottom."
Neurologist: *Bites bottom of banana and peels.* "Oh, wow! That takes care of it. Thank you! I can't wait to tell my kids."

 

[HM3]

My first year in the Navy was working on L&D :/. Well one of the PGY2s was about to do a cervical check on a corpsman who was delivering on the very ward she worked. Well he held out his sterile gloved hand with the ring finger retracted superimposbed by the thumb (two in pink one in stink). He said to me "got some lube"..in which I dropped on all three fingers. When he turned to the patient he gestured and said "Its time to check your cooter".

 

[UTsksk]

I was with an ENT in the OR and we noticed a swastika on the patient's shoulder. The ENT then yells out "Hail Hitler!"...it was epic. While walking out of the OR we were doing the nazi march. It was a great day hah.

 

[Chip N Sawbones]

----------------------------------------
A nurse casually drops by the call room:

"Doctor, just wanted to let you know-- [the patient]'s blood pressure is 60 over 40."

"What???????????????????"

"Yeah, it's been like that for a while."

"What???????????????????" as I get up and RUN down the hall.

"Yeah, I've marked it in the chart every hour."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?"

"I wasn't sure it was accurate."

[Looking at the chart]

"You checked it eleven times, and it went from 80s to 70s to 60s... what made you think eleven readings weren't accurate?"

"It didn't seem like it should be that low."

"YES, EXACTLY, THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING!"

"Oh, okay. Next time."

"Yeah. Next time."

After shadowing a doctor in a third world hospital, I can top that one.

The doctor looks over last night's vitals taken by the nurse, which were:
Pulse: 0
BP: 0/0
Breath rate: 0
Temperature: 81 degrees (room temp there)

"Mariama, why are these vitals like this?"

"That is what they were, doctor."

"When you took them last night, didn't you know they were bad?"

"Yes, but you were sleeping and I didn't want to disturb you."

"You're disturbing me now."

A different doctor, in America this time:
"Dr. Smith?"

"Uh, oh. This sounds like work. Uh... (puts hands over head in a circle) I'm a tree!
Oh, wait, there aren't any trees in this hospital... (Raises hands higher) I'm a pole!"

 

[Guero]

OMG! These are wonderful! I have plenty, mostly chart derived.

-------------
From social history of H&P of an 87 year old patient:
"Drinks vodka with ensure."
-------------
Quoted in H&P of pt:
"On the morning of 6/7 he had the worst episode of chest pain feeling like 'japs in there trying to beat their way out' it was not relieved by 7 sublingual NTG."
-------------
" . . . and his EKG demonstrates lowish voltage . . . "
-------------
I copied and pasted this one:
". . .MOUTH WAS DRY, BU THE HAD A COTTON BALL IN HIS MOUTH...REASON?????"
-------------
Also copied and pasted, sad but cute:
". . . Speech is hesitant, lacks contact, the only fluent thing he says is 'Oh Lordy' requently."
-------
Copied & pasted:
". . . who presented to OSH ER c/o acute onset HA which started on 7/12 in am and
was 7-8/10 on pain scale. Pt relays he does not normally have HA's and thought
this was unusual. At that same time he thought his R hand may have been less
coordinated and he noticed thruout the day his R leg was "dragging". He tx
himself with whiskey and his complaints melted away."
-------------
I remember a particularly awful case involving a man presenting with urethral bleeding. An xray revealed ball point pen springs lodged mid-way along the phallus, transurethrally. *shudder*

I have plenty more, but will save them and dole them in bits. Glad I stumbled upon this thread. 🙂

 

[BlueLabel]

OMG! These are wonderful! I have plenty, mostly chart derived.

-------------
From social history of H&P of an 87 year old patient:
"Drinks vodka with ensure."
-------------
Quoted in H&P of pt:
"On the morning of 6/7 he had the worst episode of chest pain feeling like 'japs in there trying to beat their way out' it was not relieved by 7 sublingual NTG."
-------------
" . . . and his EKG demonstrates lowish voltage . . . "
-------------
I copied and pasted this one:
". . .MOUTH WAS DRY, BU THE HAD A COTTON BALL IN HIS MOUTH...REASON?????"
-------------
Also copied and pasted, sad but cute:
". . . Speech is hesitant, lacks contact, the only fluent thing he says is 'Oh Lordy' requently."
-------
Copied & pasted:
". . . who presented to OSH ER c/o acute onset HA which started on 7/12 in am and
was 7-8/10 on pain scale. Pt relays he does not normally have HA's and thought
this was unusual. At that same time he thought his R hand may have been less
coordinated and he noticed thruout the day his R leg was "dragging". He tx
himself with whiskey and his complaints melted away."
-------------
I remember a particularly awful case involving a man presenting with urethral bleeding. An xray revealed ball point pen springs lodged mid-way along the phallus, transurethrally. *shudder*

I have plenty more, but will save them and dole them in bits. Glad I stumbled upon this thread. 🙂

That was laugh out loud funny! Aging Pacific Theater vets with minimal inhibitions make for some of the best lulz around

 

[Guero]

That was laugh out loud funny! Aging Pacific Theater vets with minimal inhibitions make for some of the best lulz around

Indeed! Ah, the unique joys of receiving txfr pts from the VA next door!

 

[noworkhistory]

Heard this story from a friend who was shadowing in a hospital in the Midwest...

Patient had just gotten out of surgery, and for this particular procedure it was vital that the patient receive some kind of nutrition or nourishment (food, not liquid) through an IV as soon as possible before waking up. The hospital cafeteria was closed, and the surgeon was new so he didn't know where any of the IV bags were that had a food nutrition source in them because all the bags had been moved and he didn't know where the second storage site was located. There was a blender in the break room and a Big Mac meal sitting in the refrigerator, so he blended up the Big Mac and poured it into a small plastic capsule about the size of a fist and sewed it up inside the guy so that nobody would figure out that he hadn't remembered where the second storage site for the IV bags were (because he had been told numerous times). Then the surgeon changed the IV requirements on the chart, and then planned on changing them back again once the patient had run out of the Big Mac liquid, by which time he would have had time to locate the second storage site. Well, the surgeon ended up accidentally leaving part of the Big Mac box inside the patient, and it turns out he left a little bit of the box sticking out of the patient's stomach. So, a few doctors and the surgeon on duty the next day noticed it, and the surgeon from the previous day tried to say that he got hungry during surgery. Well, they did an emergency surgical procedure and discovered the plastic box with the Big Mac liquid in it, and the surgeon was promptly fired and the patient was immediately put back on the proper IV. Though the innovativeness of the Big Mac post-surgical capsule-insertion nutrition procedure would be recognized and the procedure itself would go on to actually be successfully applied in future situations where an immediate, direct nutrition source was required after surgery, the original surgeon obviously never went on to get any credit. And, he's currently working at a McDonald's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdKr1jlDzW4

 

[Guero]

Heard this story from a friend who was shadowing in a hospital in the Midwest...

Patient had just gotten out of surgery, and for this particular procedure it was vital that the patient receive some kind of nutrition or nourishment (food, not liquid) through an IV as soon as possible before waking up. The hospital cafeteria was closed, and the surgeon was new so he didn't know where any of the IV bags were that had a food nutrition source in them because all the bags had been moved and he didn't know where the second storage site was located. There was a blender in the break room and a Big Mac meal sitting in the refrigerator, so he blended up the Big Mac and poured it into a small plastic capsule about the size of a fist and sewed it up inside the guy so that nobody would figure out that he hadn't remembered where the second storage site for the IV bags were (because he had been told numerous times). Then the surgeon changed the IV requirements on the chart, and then planned on changing them back again once the patient had run out of the Big Mac liquid, by which time he would have had time to locate the second storage site. Well, the surgeon ended up accidentally leaving part of the Big Mac box inside the patient, and it turns out he left a little bit of the box sticking out of the patient's stomach. So, a few doctors and the surgeon on duty the next day noticed it, and the surgeon from the previous day tried to say that he got hungry during surgery. Well, they did an emergency surgical procedure and discovered the plastic box with the Big Mac liquid in it, and the surgeon was promptly fired and the patient was immediately put back on the proper IV. Though the innovativeness of the Big Mac post-surgical capsule-insertion nutrition procedure would be recognized and the procedure itself would go on to actually be successfully applied in future situations where an immediate, direct nutrition source was required after surgery, the original surgeon obviously never went on to get any credit. And, he's currently working at a McDonald's.

Oh dear. *digs fox hole in an attempt to survive imminent flaming*

 

[mmmcdowe]

This was meant as a joke so please dont get cray:
Nurse: what happened to patient x?
Doc: He's dead.
Nurse: the patient died???
Doc: well no, but i tranferred him to a different service, so he's dead to me.

 

[greatnt249]

Heard this story from a friend who was shadowing in a hospital in the Midwest...

Patient had just gotten out of surgery, and for this particular procedure it was vital that the patient receive some kind of nutrition or nourishment (food, not liquid) through an IV as soon as possible before waking up. The hospital cafeteria was closed, and the surgeon was new so he didn't know where any of the IV bags were that had a food nutrition source in them because all the bags had been moved and he didn't know where the second storage site was located. There was a blender in the break room and a Big Mac meal sitting in the refrigerator, so he blended up the Big Mac and poured it into a small plastic capsule about the size of a fist and sewed it up inside the guy so that nobody would figure out that he hadn't remembered where the second storage site for the IV bags were (because he had been told numerous times). Then the surgeon changed the IV requirements on the chart, and then planned on changing them back again once the patient had run out of the Big Mac liquid, by which time he would have had time to locate the second storage site. Well, the surgeon ended up accidentally leaving part of the Big Mac box inside the patient, and it turns out he left a little bit of the box sticking out of the patient's stomach. So, a few doctors and the surgeon on duty the next day noticed it, and the surgeon from the previous day tried to say that he got hungry during surgery. Well, they did an emergency surgical procedure and discovered the plastic box with the Big Mac liquid in it, and the surgeon was promptly fired and the patient was immediately put back on the proper IV. Though the innovativeness of the Big Mac post-surgical capsule-insertion nutrition procedure would be recognized and the procedure itself would go on to actually be successfully applied in future situations where an immediate, direct nutrition source was required after surgery, the original surgeon obviously never went on to get any credit. And, he's currently working at a McDonald's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdKr1jlDzW4

Given the relatively easy availability of PPN/TPN, I seriously doubt this story ever happened.

 

[Geebeejay]

A couple:

Attending to patient: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you having?"
Young patient with some sort of hand injury: 10
Attending: Let me rephrase that... 1 feeling like a pinch, and 10 feeling like getting hit by a bus while you're simultaneously on fire, how much is your pain?"

Bunch of us talking about a patient with a self inflicted gunshot to the head. Due to the angle he fired the bullet, he suffered no brain damage, but pretty much blew his face off.

Resident who was listening: "Well, at least he must have been an easy intubation" Resident simulates throwing an ET tube like a dart into a patients airway. I think this is a 'you had to be there' situation 🙄

 

[Winged Scapula]

Given the relatively easy availability of PPN/TPN, I seriously doubt this story ever happened.

And that's the only reason you doubt that story?

How about the simplest one: since when is the surgeon actually responsible for finding the patient nutrition and serving (in whatever manner) to them?

😉

 

[Guero]

A couple:

Attending to patient: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you having?"
Young patient with some sort of hand injury: 10
Attending: Let me rephrase that... 1 feeling like a pinch, and 10 feeling like getting hit by a bus while you're simultaneously on fire, how much is your pain?"

Bunch of us talking about a patient with a self inflicted gunshot to the head. Due to the angle he fired the bullet, he suffered no brain damage, but pretty much blew his face off.

Resident who was listening: "Well, at least he must have been an easy intubation" Resident simulates throwing an ET tube like a dart into a patients airway. I think this is a 'you had to be there' situation 🙄

Nope, no need to be there, the visual I got from your description was a gut-buster! Hahahahaha

 

[ilikevegetables]

Attending to patient: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you having?"
Young patient with some sort of hand injury: 10
Attending: Let me rephrase that... 1 feeling like a pinch, and 10 feeling like getting hit by a bus while you're simultaneously on fire, how much is your pain?"

Definitely seen a bunch like these. One time, even after an explanation similar to this one, one teenager (in no distress) was still complaining of a 10/10 headache. The doc sighed, mentioned a lumbar puncture... and poof! The headache wasn't so bad after all.

There was another doc who would approach patients who came in to the ED with a runny nose, sore throat etc. and he would ask them "So, what's your *emergency* today?" I was always nervous that the patients might be offended, but they never acknowledged that he was implying something.

 

[noworkhistory]

Yeah, my post was a joke----just letting you know! There doesn't appear to be any inflamed responses to my post though! Very very sorry if anyone's annoyed or upset! 🙂 Definitely not my intention at all whatsoever!

 

[Dmr6186]

And that's the only reason you doubt that story?

How about the simplest one: since when is the surgeon actually responsible for finding the patient nutrition and serving (in whatever manner) to them?

😉

Thinking the same thing. Where's the rest of the medical staff? Was he the only person in the hospital with the patient?

 

[Guero]

Yeah, my post was a joke----just letting you know! There doesn't appear to be any inflamed responses to my post though! Very very sorry if anyone's annoyed or upset! 🙂 Definitely not my intention at all whatsoever!

Flaming means to harshly insult someone. I was expecting someone to post something unnecessarily rude and harsh in response to your post because it seemed like you believed that the story was real. It didn't initially come off as a joke. So I was trying to facetiously preempt anything harsh. But I'm glad it never happened. I can't stand it when people go at each other's throats because of stuff they post on the intergoogles. 🙂

 

[Freesia88]

Flaming means to harshly insult someone. I was expecting someone to post something unnecessarily rude and harsh in response to your post because it seemed like you believed that the story was real. It didn't initially come off as a joke. So I was trying to facetiously preempt anything harsh. But I'm glad it never happened. I can't stand it when people go at each other's throats because of stuff they post on the intergoogles. 🙂

But it's so much fun to do....🙁

 

[LizzyM]

"I'm off like a prom dress" is still my favorite @#$ doctors say but "drinks vodka with Ensure" has got to be my favorite line from an H&P.

 

[Guero]

"I'm off like a prom dress" is still my favorite @#$ doctors say but "drinks vodka with Ensure" has got to be my favorite line from an H&P.

Tee-hee! Thanks!

 

[Guero]

This was said as the attending vascular surgeon walked into the OR while the anesthesiologist was prepping for the induction of a pt for a left lower extremity fem-pop bypass, keeping in mind that this particular pt has an above the knee amputation of her right lower extremity:

Attending: "Okay, which leg are we doing?"
Scrub techs: "Ooooh, that was low!"
Nurse: "I thought it was good."
Vasc fellow: *laughing*
Junior GSurg Res: *laughing*
Me: *shaking head with a smile as I assist the anesthesiologist I was shadowing*
Anesthesiologist: *engrossed in this utterly difficult stick of a pt necessitating 10+ tries for a second line*

Such an interesting environment...

 

[AustinL911]

I've worked in our local public hospital in the ICU for over 3 years now and am usually regarded as one of, if not the biggest smart ass in the hospital.

The physicians usually don't say too much (save for the occasional F-Bomb [which I take credit for ]), but here are some of my most recent one-liners that I can think of off the top of my head:

-When getting ready to intubate a Pt. who we knew was going to be quite difficult:
Dr: Does this Pt. have any teeth?
Me: Not for long.

When coding a particularly old and frail Pt who we were certain wasn't going to make it:
Dr: How old is this Pt.?
Me: As old as she's going to get.

Our nephrologist was going in to see a Pt. with salmonella poisoning for the first time:
Dr: Do we have to use any kind of precautions for salmonella poisoning?
Me: Only if you plan on licking her.

When floated down to the ED. I was asked to start an IV on a PITA 17yo girl who was in a MVA. The previous nurse had missed his stick and she was flipping out.
Me: Hi __________, My name is Austin and I'm one of the nurses working down here tonight. I'm going to try to put an IV in you now.
Pt.: I hope you're better than the last guy.
Me: I am 😎
Pt.: You only get one try
Me: Ok....How about I put one in your hand? I see a ton there and I'm positive I can get it.
Pt: You are NOT putting it in my hand!
Me: How about your FA?
Pt. NO!
Me: Ok... How about your A/C?
Pt.: No. I hate you incompetent nurses. Why can't you just put it somewhere where it won't hurt?
Me: Listen, it's a needle. It's going to hurt a little. There's nothing I can do about that. How about you just let me put it where I am sure I can get it the 1st time and we'll be done with it?
Pt.: Listen. It's my arm, and you'll put it where I tell you to!
Me: That's fine, but just remember...I choose the needle size.




I've got a ton more of them from over the years. We are a particularly morbid bunch that work in the ICU. If you can't laugh about some of it, then I feel you should find another line of work. Some days you have to laugh to keep from crying.

 

[circulus vitios]

"It's hard to feel sympathy for some people," referring to a middle-aged male who fell off a roof while drunk and high, breaking both of his heels in the process.

"What do you think?" as we walked out of the examination room. Patient was an infant with flea bites all over its body. The mother was a pregnant stripper with 4 children from 2 or 3 different fathers, who dropped the f-bomb no less than a dozen times in a 20 minute appointment.

 

[Bacchus]

I've worked in our local public hospital in the ICU for over 3 years now and am usually regarded as one of, if not the biggest smart ass in the hospital.

Report on your clinical experiences in a few years if you keep it up. I will need a good laugh.

 

[Chip N Sawbones]

-When getting ready to intubate a Pt. who we knew was going to be quite difficult:
Dr: Does this Pt. have any teeth?
Me: Not for long.

This made my morning. I don't often say this in response to posts on the pre-allo board, but I really, really hope you get into med school.

 

[cliffhuxtableDO]

Shadowing a PCP a few years ago:

The patient had just had a baby, and this was during the worst of the economic crisis. Her husband wasn't working and she was just waiting tables.. It was a pretty standard post partum depression visit. She was ranting and raving, crying, blowing everything out of proportion. I was probably 22 at the time and hasn't seen anything like this before. I was alarmed at how emotional she was and was relieved to get out of the exam room. As soon as the doc closed the door behinds us he says "Well, she's just ****ing nuts."

 

[mk2015]

Another regarding scale of pain. From 1-10 how bad is the pain. And before you answer, 0 is nothing, 1 is a pinch and 10 is going down a slide of razor blades into a pool of acid.

Another that kind of made me laugh. The night ED doc came in at 11 with 40 some patients in the waiting room and another 20 to be seen of a 30 some bed ED. One of the docs looks at him and goes
"why don't we just go in the back and I'll kick you in the nuts until you pass out. That'll probably be less painful than what you're about to experience."

 

[AsianPersuasion]

So the doc was performing an I&D on an abcess on the buttock and while the doc is squeezing the gunk out of it, the patient screams "oh papi, it hurts!!"

Doc response "No ****! You have a ****ing baby coming out of your ass!!"

No lie!

 

[Guero]

So the doc was performing an I&D on an abcess on the buttock and while the doc is squeezing the gunk out of it, the patient screams "oh papi, it hurts!!"

Doc response "No ****! You have a ****ing baby coming out of your ass!!"

No lie!

Bahahahaha!! Please tell me that was somewhere in NYC.

P.S. Totally reminds me of this clip
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poat6y9bkbk[/YOUTUBE]

 

[VictorAlpha]

Came across this the other day and your post reminded me of it Haha

Not to be like too serious here; but I think ^^ this is kind of dangerous...

I mean, have some humility. With every patient...you're hoping to get lucky/blessed/whatever.... I mean yeah...know your **** down cold and do your best. But if you think you are in control of everything as the doctor; you're probably in for some tragic and humbling experiences. The fact is that if doctors were so almighty, they wouldn't lose patients. As a physician you only know so much; there is only so much under your control...so try your damndest to get that part right and just hope for the best. amirite?

 

[kitsunebito]

Frequent flyer in our ED who's verbally abusive to everyone is in a hall bed.
Had to douse him in water he smelled so bad.
Charge nurse walks by and guy starts hissing and tells her to F*** off.
She turns to him and says "F*** me? We can smell you in the lobby, I don't think anyone wants to be that close to you anyways"

Was shadowing in the ICU one summer, mainly run by NP's and residents, old attending known for taking extra long lunches to walk around a park (doesn't wear deodorant) is about to head to lunch.
Head NP: Alright Dr. don't wander off for too long.
*Chorus of agreement from staff*
Dr: Well how about this. I'ma take my sweet time, baking in this heat in my car, finishing a 5th of jack then I'm gonna JOG around the park, work up a sweat, and come right on back so y'all can deal with that!
*cackles and shuffles out, as we all start laughing*

Old neurosurg attending gets on the elevator with myself and one of his nurses.
Nurse: You like my new hair doctor?
Dr: You dyed your hair again? I swear only your OB knows your natural color.

Same neurosurg doc
Dr: Hand me a "tool thats not a drill"
Nurse: *Hands him a drill*
Dr: If you dont hand me the right d*** tool right now I'm gonna shove this so far up your *** itll make your head spin
Nurse: Hope it fits you old man
Dr starts cackling and says "take notes everyone, that's how you flip a joke"

Disclaimer: This guy sounds like a jerk but is probably one of the most respected doctor's in that hospital.

 

[Lys Ile Glu Leu]

My wide and I work in different departments of the same hospital. While I was shadowing one of our family physicians, my wife happened to come around on business. She looked and me and said, "you shaved?? Dr. Blank, my husband shaved his face for you!" And his reply?? "I hope it was just his face.."

Humor at my expense, but funny nonetheless.

Sent from my SGH-T769

 

[Lys Ile Glu Leu]

"...looked AT me..."***

Sent from my SGH-T769

 

[Guero]

Frequent flyer in our ED who's verbally abusive to everyone is in a hall bed.
Had to douse him in water he smelled so bad.
Charge nurse walks by and guy starts hissing and tells her to F*** off.
She turns to him and says "F*** me? We can smell you in the lobby, I don't think anyone wants to be that close to you anyways"

Was shadowing in the ICU one summer, mainly run by NP's and residents, old attending known for taking extra long lunches to walk around a park (doesn't wear deodorant) is about to head to lunch.
Head NP: Alright Dr. don't wander off for too long.
*Chorus of agreement from staff*
Dr: Well how about this. I'ma take my sweet time, baking in this heat in my car, finishing a 5th of jack then I'm gonna JOG around the park, work up a sweat, and come right on back so y'all can deal with that!
*cackles and shuffles out, as we all start laughing*

Old neurosurg attending gets on the elevator with myself and one of his nurses.
Nurse: You like my new hair doctor?
Dr: You dyed your hair again? I swear only your OB knows your natural color.

Same neurosurg doc
Dr: Hand me a "tool thats not a drill"
Nurse: *Hands him a drill*
Dr: If you dont hand me the right d*** tool right now I'm gonna shove this so far up your *** itll make your head spin
Nurse: Hope it fits you old man
Dr starts cackling and says "take notes everyone, that's how you flip a joke"

Disclaimer: This guy sounds like a jerk but is probably one of the most respected doctor's in that hospital.

Wow, and after seeing that car wreck meme I must have somehow missed, I thought I was going to comment on its depravity: Yours wins by a land slide! I wish I knew where these were coming from! As redundant as this is: wow! Just wow!