Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?
Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.
#############
A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a
farmhouse in the country.
One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I
smell sausage!"
The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I
smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get
passed the two bigger moles.
Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
##############
Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?
A: None. It just lets out a little wine.
##############
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve
grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes,
has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The
duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the
bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve
grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck
beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
################
The blind man was out walking with his seeing -eye dog when suddenly the
animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched
out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting
him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "But I gotta find his head before I can kick
his butt."
#################
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
drink. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him,
stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him
it's a seeing- eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
He asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as
seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "What?!?! They gave me a
Chihuahua?!?"
################
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden,
he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
################
Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?
A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.
################
Q: Does an elephant ever forget?
A: Only if you loan him money.
#################
A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide
to rub it. A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant each of you three
wishes."
The bear says, "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof*
It's done.
The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done.
The bear says, "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof*
It's done.
The rabbit says, "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my
house." *poof* It's done.
The bear is thinking to himself. "Why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on
stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the
bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done.
The rabbit says, "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he
rides off on his motorcycle.
##################
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. the wolves chased the
rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do
you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number
them?"
##################
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must
be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.. . I must
be a god!
##################
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Damn!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of
my life digging a grave!"
################
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would
like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't
understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to
have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry
us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the
wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is now
barred from the church.
After the wedding, my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a
room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You
don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I
should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me
a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours
looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in
the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now
I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with
that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the
psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied,
"Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever.
I couldn't live any longer so lonely. "
The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a
man's best friend so get yourself a dog.
